The Johnny Utah Symposium

DEREK 360: Hilarious

2008-07-04T13:09:00.002-05:00

Hey Kids!

2008-03-28T13:58:00.009-05:00

Making his very first appearance on the Johnny U, everyone please extend a warm welcome to Herbert the Violently Spooging Elephant!

Herbert hails from deep in the African savanna and we're pleased to have him on the symposium. Apart from his obvious talent, Herbert also excels at trampling small to medium sized brush, bathing with his trunk and swatting tsetse flies with his tail. Here are some other fast facts:

- Herbert enjoys Jessica Alba movies.
- Herbert once engaged a lion in a staring contest. The lion won.
- Herbert thinks Chuck Norris is a pussy, but wouldn't tell him to his face.
- Herbert's piano has ivory keys, but he doesn't find it ironic.
- Herbert was discovered in the wild between 1927 and 1931 by Wilbur Burris and it changed his life forever.
- Herbert has a cleft toe on his left rear leg, but hasn't let it stop him from achieving.
- Herbert loves mice and has a terrible memory.
- Herbert isn't embarrassed by his body.
- Herbert thinks global warming is bullshit.
- Herbert can't vote, but if he could it would be for Hillary.

Remember kids, Herbert is a wild animal and extremely dangerous. He's no camel, but watch out - he spits!

OK, it's time he was on his way home now.

Goodbye Herbert... see you soon!

Hey, Dudez.

2008-03-08T05:29:00.002-06:00

Yo. It's Mikey. I just want everyone to know that I think this blog blows ass, too.

See you next month,
Mikey

Happy Birthday, Tone Loc!!!

2008-03-03T15:23:00.007-06:00

He's been loc-ing tones and supplying my DJ playlist with the hottest jamz for 42 years now.

So let's all take a moment to reflect on greatness and take in a couple of things that Loc wanted you to know:

"I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer weiner"

"You know, ain't no plans with a man. This is the 80s and I'm down the ladies."

"Brothaz don't surf"

"The name's Juice."

Happy birthday stud!!!

January Cardigans: Top Ten List

2008-01-30T21:38:00.000-06:00

Hey, bitchys. Let's review the month:

1.) The Founding Dad Dudes experienced the healing power of awesome during their reunion in The Big Apple.

2.) I went back to work.

3.) THERE WILL BE BLOOD went into wide release, quickly becomes the best film of the decade. Milkshake sales go up six hundred percent:

3.) Brad Renfro died.

4.) I got promoted at work. :)

5.) Heath Ledger died. :(

6.) I wrecked my car.

7.) Quentin Tarantino experienced the healing power of awesome in Park City, Utah:

8.) Taj Mahal burned down, but was rebuilt so fast no one noticed.

9.) MEET THE SPARTANS became the number one film at the box office. Resulted in the true loss of America's innocence.

10.) Barack Obama confirmed he's black.

------------

You said it, Tony. January 2008 has been a rollercoaster ride. The only question is: The ride from FINAL DESTINATION 3 or from FEAR?

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

2008-01-24T22:24:00.000-06:00

EDITORS NOTE: Fuck the editors. I circumvented those mother-fuckers.

Enough is enough.

The four no-dick, sacks of shit that supposedly run this blog have done enough fucking around. I've been submitting articles to this e-rag for months now and none of them have been getting published. And when something does get published it's some trite chronicle of how "bad ass" and "awesome" these fuckin' guys are. I'm tired of the fiction. This blog needs to get fucked again and the cock that's gonna do it belongs to me.

With that said. Let's talk about some upcoming movies.

Witless Protection
I'm not even going to watch the TRAILER for this pile of burning human carcasses. I don't need to. Let me give some credit to Larry the shit-eater though. This guy really knows how to sell the same fuckin' joke over and over for years at a time. Sitting through this would be an exercise in recycling food. I'd fuckin' puke, eat the puke (cause that'd be more fun and interesting than watching this sandpaper gloved handjob of a movie) and puke again. I'm gonna be fuckin' sick. I wouldn't mind fucking the chick on the poster though but that's not the issue here.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Leatherheads
George Clooney. George fuckin' Clooney. Let me just explain my disgust for this guy real fast. I'm sure you've all heard of a movie called Ocean's 11. Not the original with Frankie S. but the update with George Clooney and Casey Affleck. I was in negotiations for the lead in that movie when fucking George Clooney comes in the room, takes out his dick and says, "cast this dick". Of course that cunning sack of shit got the part. The TRAILER for this Leatherheads thing looks like garbage though. Who fucking cares about sports. Or history. It's all about trusting the present and fucking embracing art. Now my blood is up.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

In the Name of The King
Uwe Boll is a fucking genius. Ghandi is bullshit. Sexy Beast is bullshit. The House of Sand and Fog is TOTAL bullshit (and Ron Eldard can suck my fuckin' dick). The best Ben Kingsley performance of all time was in Boll's under-appreciated masterwork, Bloodrayne. He was just so raw. The TRAILER makes it look like we can expect a similarly stunning turn out of Ray "I peaked with Unlawful Entry" Liotta. We'll see though.

Thumbs Up Really High.
A lot of Stars.

The Johnny Utah editors can't fuckin' stop me anymore so you can expect to hear from me. Lots. Hugs and kisses. Go fuck yourselves.

-Vincent Gallo

JUhS Christmas Minutes

2007-12-24T20:41:00.001-06:00

Sadly, the Johnny U Founding Dad Dudes were somewhat fragmented for Christmas Eve this year. In place of the Copes' annual Turtleneck extravaganza, a teleconference call was held. This being the first annual JUhS Christmas Eve Teleconference Call, no one was tapped to record the minutes beforehand. As junior Founding Dad Dude and former Eagle Scout, I was determined to have ultimately been responsible for taking down minutes and will thus attempt to do so retroactively in order to fulfil this duty.

The following is a fairly recent account of what transpired. These minutes are incomplete. In fact, this call may very well not have happened.

ROLL CALL:

Andy - Dallas
Michael Thomas - Dallas
PT (note: not a founding dad dude) - Dallas
Derek - Ohio
Andrew - New York
[????? non-understandable muttering, perhaps a Gen] - Dallas
"I don't want to be on this stupid call" - Dallas

TELECONFERENCE MINUTES:

[Dallas signs on]

[Ohio signs on]

[Ohio is booted]

[New York signs on]

Variations of "hello?" and "what's going on?" are uttered. It is determined that a sign in system should take place. Said system determines Ohio is not on the call. Time to flush it out.

[Call is aborted]

[Call is reinstated]

[Dallas signs on]

[Ohio signs on]

[Ohio is booted]

[New York signs on]

Again, after a sign on mishap, Ohio is not on the call. After some Christmas magic from the Dallas teleconference epicenter, all three JUhS outposts are simultaneously on the call.

Andy wishes everyone Merry Christmas and Happy Turtleneck Day.

Derek wishes everyone a Happy Christmas and large erections. This statement is to be taken as a scientific rather than crude one.

Andrew wishes everyone a Happy Jesus Day and very, very, very Happy Turtleneck Christmas.

Michael Thomas has nothing. He then leaves the teleconference room, very likely to inject, snort or otherwise imbibe some sort of banned substance.

Michael Thomas re-enters the room and states he fucked a black woman named Rasheed.

Andy said he woke up this morning with the following written in his mirror:
"I can't go down to the water's edge
I didn't do it, I saw who did it"
It is concluded this was likely written by Santa Claus.

The Founding Dad Dudes state this call may be the stupidest moment of their friendship.

An argument transpires over who will record the minutes for the call.

It is determined Andrew should have taken the minutes and is stripped of his Eagle Scout award.

Confused mumbling ensues.

All parties sign off. The teleconference call is adjourned.

-------

There you have it. I have no idea how to take minutes, but it's about time we had them on this blog. Merry Christmas everyone. Signing off.

Another Year, Another JUhS Reunion

2007-12-15T13:19:00.000-06:00

I'm still dead, but if you're in the area this holiday season my spirit will be roaming the streets of New York City.

Why New York? Because that's where the three surviving Dad Dudes (and their lady friends) will gather, finally together after a year and likely not at all lamenting my death. Not in the slightest.

But I'll be there in spirit, meant in a very real sense. If I can harness this Spectrix of Awesome I've been talking about and somehow inject said spirit into the body of a sentient being, have no doubt shit will go down. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but whoever said that was a pussy.

Despite my current state of non-livingness, it will almost certainly be a kick ass few days.

Since I'm dead and writing is a significant burden, I'd like to convey my prediction of how the New Year gathering will unfold through a series of images. Via stream of consciousness, if you will, since that's the only natural conduit left available to me. Oh, and fuck all of you.

NEW YEARS EVE, THE JOHNNY WAY

You know, more or less like that.

Consider Yourselves Haunted - A Canadian Rock Trifecta

2007-12-04T17:15:00.000-06:00

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Insanity!

aaaand... Fuck all of you.

Death® Revealed

2007-11-19T15:27:00.000-06:00

I am dead.

Yes, you read it correctly. This is not a joke. This is not made up. I have died. Michael's story is completely true.

I've drawn in my last breath. I've fucked with my last airport security employee. I've made fun of my last French person.

As a result, obviously, there are now three where once there were four. In which case you may be thinking to yourself, how is this guy still posting on the Johnny if indeed he is as dead as he claims to be?

My answer to that is simple. Because everything you thought you knew about Death® before today is wrong. The Johnny Utah Symposium, due to the passing of one of its founding dad dudes, is able to uncover what no physicist, chemist, major religion, minor religion, astrologer, catholic, biologist, crazy homeless man, geneticist or philosopher has ever, in the history of mankind, been able to explain: what happens to us when we die?

I, Andrew John Salvoni, once stuck in the colon that is Planet Earth, have now passed through the anus of Death® and emerged, turd-like, into afterlife.

Before rewarding our most loyal readers with an explanation of what Death® is, I'll start by telling you what it isn't.

First, there is no god, or heaven, or even hell. Jesus doesn't walk up to you with a lamb in one hand and the keys to paradise in the other. There aren't 60 big-breasted virgins waiting to satisfy your every whim. There isn't a 8-armed hindu goddess or a fat dude riding an elephant. It's not pitch black or blinding white. There's no tunnel. There's no pearly gate. Your life doesn't flash before your eyes. There's no purgatory, no nirvana and no reincarnation. You don't fly through the stars and immediately know all the secrets of the universe. You don't get to meet John F. Kennedy, Babe Ruth or Adolf Hitler. You don't wake up in a pool of goo and realize you were stuck in a matrix created by the machines feeding off human energy. It's not a Linklater film, or a Dali painting. In short, Death® is not even close to anything you could conceivably expect.

Before I tell you what it is, I have one more thing to say...

In fact, I'm not actually going to give away the secret. Instead, I'm going to haunt this blog incessantly until I feel like stopping, or until the cure for death is found. Fuck all of you.

Why We Haven't Updated: The Loss Of A Brother

2007-11-16T01:27:00.000-06:00

Hello Americans.

It's been nearly a month and a half since any of us have updated. In that time, I am sure that the Johnny Utah has fallen off your radar, and is no longer one of your daily web stops used to pass the time at work. Derek, Andrews, and myself greatly apologize for this.

There is a reason for our absentee-ism. Over the past month, we have suffered a loss that has rocked the Johnny Utah Symposium to it's very core.

On 10/31/07, Founding Dad Dude Andrew Salvoni passed away. He is stone fucking dead.

ANDREW JOHN SALVONI: 1983-2007

He was killed in a firefight with London police at Heathrow Airport. Apparently, he was mistaken for a terrorist in a last ditch effort to escape from his shackles of the banking world. He had almost made it passed security when was he asked to take off his shoes. Andrew refused, stating: "I ain't taking off my Chucks for you crooked teeth muthafuckas. I got bitches ta be explodin'."

It escalated from there. He tried to take a suitcase hostage, but was quickly gunned down. Toxicology reports revealed that he was drunk off Ketel One, and on three different forms of PCP.

His mother, Rosemary Salvoni, declined an interview with us. She said that, "I wouldn't even pay to have that idiot shipped back here, I'm not wasting weekend minutes talking to his asshole friends."

Andrew was cremated and his remains scattered around Abbey Road. We're aware he did not want it that way, but no one felt like putting much effort into his memorial.

Anyway, the four are now three, and our hearts go out to the hardworking men and women of airline security.

DEREK 360: Linkz

2007-10-02T21:34:00.000-05:00

1. JCPenney.
2. Dragons fucking cars (NSFW).
3. The Dig Dug.
4. Evil.

XOXOXOXO!

Danger Lurks in the Corners of your Mind

2007-09-30T16:18:00.000-05:00

DEREK 360: Gummi Wheres

2007-09-25T22:13:00.000-05:00

Best. Post. Ever.

DEREK 360: Freak Nasty FAQs

2007-09-04T22:12:00.000-05:00

I'm back.

Enough about me though. I want to talk about Freak Nasty. THE Freak Nasty. The dopest, illest, sickest, baddest, rottenest, pestulentest MC since that dude in C&C Music Factory with the pony tail. Freak Nasty, who gave us "Da Dip" and a metric ton of other life lessons along the way.

I present Freak Nasty FAQs

Q: What is Freak Nasty's real name?
A: Freak Nasty's real name is Freak Bill Nasty. He also sometimes goes by the following monikers: Coach B, Stephen Burnett, Brilliant Music Genius, and RenatO.

Q: Is Freak Nasty a Nordic God?
A: Technically no (you're thinking of Odin), but he is highly revered in all of the Scandinavian provinces and actually has a fjord named after him. Freak Nasty Fjord is beautiful in early Winter. He is not exclusively idolized in remote European nations though. He is renowned worldwide for his ability to bring people together in a cohesive and intelligent way. For example, before every G8 conference "Da Dip" is played on a loud speaker. His music is also one of the main reasons babies are being born today.

Q: I heard some busta talking shit about Freak Nasty the other day. What should I do to him?
A: Take away all of the Freak Nasty albums he's hiding (including his second copy of Controversee...That's Life...And That's the Way It Is which is probably hidden in a sealed bag in his toilet tank) and watch him die a miserable Dipless death. Either that or take him to any club in the world (except those where Oakenfold is spinning...Oakenfold and Freak Nasty go together like Maroon 5 and The Hives) and show him the wonders that the FN can bring.

Q: What is Freak Nasty's day job?
A: His day job is creating the music of a generation. He also dabbles in winning awards (The four Tony's he won back in '97 for his work as Raul in The Phantom of The Opera are only one example), inventing stuff, and teaching at Alameda High School in California.

Q: Wow, Freak Nasty is a teacher? Does he ever incorporate his groundbreaking music into the classroom activities?
A: Freak Nasty's music casts a pretty gigantic shadow. It would be impossible for him to dodge it, so naturally he embraces it and utilizes it as a teaching tool. At a pep rally at AHS in '04 he performed "Da Dip" to "pump up" the school before a big game. He was criticized after this performance for some innappropriate gestures with an underage student but because it's Freak Nasty the superintendent threw up his hands and said, "WHATEV!".

Q: Other than "Da Dip", what are some Freak Nasty jams I should be aware of?
A: This list can be long and daunting so I'll scale it back and give you the starter course on Freak Nasty appreciation. Start with "Da Dip". Learn it and love it, because remember, if you're not dippin' you must be trippin'. From there put in a copy of his self titled album and listen to track eleven, "1 4 Da T.H.U.G.S.". From there go back one track and listen to "My Alpha Bitches" before finishing up with track three, "Da End of Mista Big". Those three songs will give you a peek into Freak Nasty's early world. After that pop in his masterpiece, Controversee...That's Life...And That's the Way It Is, and listen to "Da Dip" eight times. After that hit up "Bump That Rump", "I Want 2 Fuck", "Boom Boom Bomb", "Deep Deep South", "Rumors Pt. 2" and "Fuckie Suckie (At Freaknasty Party)" in any order. The you should be ready. For anything.

Q: Was I conceived while my parents listened to "Da Dip"?
A: Yes.

That's all for now.

It's good to be back.

NOT Andy (JUhS)

2007-08-08T22:40:00.000-05:00

Hello internet world.

Just wanted to take this time to let you know that this is NOT me.

Thank you.

Awful evil bad bad

2007-08-04T00:04:00.000-05:00

Just a couple examples of stuff that's wrong with our world today but still gives me hope for my future as well as the future of the Johnny Dudes. If this crap can make it into the mainstream and be responsible for making dudes rich and famous, just imagine what OUR brand of zaniness and charm could do...

1.) Who's Your Caddy??? (dammit)

2.) Viva Viagra??? (I assume this is what happens to those dudes who bring their accoustic guitar everywhere with them as teenagers/20-somethings....p.s. - does they say "got me a horny?" and "i'm not a guy who's straight?".)

3.) Those piss me off...almost as much as this: Carlos Mencia Budlight.......AHHHHH!

I just don't know what to do.

Sorry to pollute the blog.

Come see my play.

The Johnny YouTube Premiere

2007-07-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

Hello readers.

Back, way back, when everyone got tookenover, we here at the JUhS promised a multimedia experience like none other. Since then, you probably thought that promise was bullshit. Well, I'm here today to tell you the promise we made is now being made good.

You may remember Derek coming over to Europe awhile back to see the sights, eat shitty English food, bag some Eastern European hunnies, and "take the piss" out of the French.

We also made a few videos, and this is one of them. We think you'll like it. Scratch that - we know you'll like it, shoddy editing notwithstanding.

Without further ado ... The Great Primrose Hill Roll. Enjoy.

HAPPY FUCKING FOURTH!

2007-07-04T21:49:00.000-05:00

Summer revelations:

1.) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is the most out-of-its-goddamned-mind action film I have ever seen. 80 boners out of 5.

2.) Billy Corgan has returned to his Rock God status, but with a little less omnipotency than before.

3.) Committing yourself to a long-term relationship is not only incredibly rewarding, but really really really really really hard.

4.) HAPPY FUCKING FOURTH!

The Johnny or Porn?

2007-07-04T17:04:00.000-05:00

This is the question I was faced with this evening ... because you know why? I have the internet again, and it's a thing of glory. It almost defies comprehension, but for the past seven months I've been without the internet at home. Seven months. It's like living in the medieval times, or prison. In fact, I'm pretty sure some prisons have a fairly regular internet connection. In my home that hasn't been the case. Until today. And I'm fucking stoked about it, you have no idea.

The Johnny has been deprived as of late. But for my part, given my new internets situation, I can promise you a little something more. I'm so excited, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Alright, update time I suppose. Still living in London as you may or may not know. I went to Budapest last weekend. Two misconceptions: the Danube, as far as I could tell, was not exceptionally blue. Looked like any other river to me. Secondly, no one made any "I'M SO HUNGARY I COULD EAT A BORSCHT" jokes. Disappointing. Cool place though, I enjoyed it.

This weekend I have a trip to Amsterdam coming up. Just hold it right there ... I know what you're thinking. What I will be doing: biking and visiting the van Gogh museum. What I won't be doing: soliciting prostitutes and eating hash brownies. I promise. Come on people, I wouldn't want to lose my job...

...

More to report later, but believe me, the Johnny U is open for business. You love it.

-Andrew (JUhS)

To Anonymous: Go Fuck Yourself

2007-06-18T12:55:00.002-05:00

Alright. So it's been awhile. But then I'm searching through the comments in AWC's last post and I stumble upon this little something:

"anonymous said...

RIP JUHS?"

Uhhhhhhhhh, what the hell is that about? Let's get this straight: I fucking hate anonymous commenters. If you aren't man (or woman) enough to at least put a face to your opinion then you're an unselfconfident douche. I'd turn off anonymous commenting but ... meh. Fuck you.

And then it's "RIP" ... like this blog has somehow died? Why don't you get on here and write something your damn self, anonymous? We're fucking busy. We're not dead; it's called a summer slowdown. It's not our fault there's nothing entertaining going on in the news. Aquatic deaths have been down. Celebrity idiocy is at an all time historical high. Paris is getting the job done right now ... you don't need us. We're supposed to be out there digging up the hot underground shit for you, not feeding you what you can get on the front page of CNN. You lazy cunt. Fuck you.

And another thing, even if the blog did die, there's a really, really high chance it'd come back to life. It's died before and it's been resurrected before. This is a long term investment. And sometimes long term investments don't pay dividends for a while. You know? But do you sell when the market's slow? NO, you fucking buy that shit up before it gets hot again. Otherwise you'll sit there with your fake Gucci wallet wondering why you're not in the game. Listen, just stay in the fucking game. Don't sell now. Just don't. Don't. Don't. Oh... oh, just... Fuck you.

And when we say Takeover, we mean it. If you're gonna go through with this and get tookover, do us a favor and stay tookenover. This can't be a monthly uhh, occurrence, alright? We commence with a takeover once, and that shit sticks. We have all these plans, sure, but it takes a while to put into action. There's lots of planning and organizing and reorganizing and creative-head-juice-squeezing involved. We don't just shit out entertaining posts (present post excluded) ... it takes foresight. OK? Fuck you.

.......

Umm, I forgot where I was going with this. I had grand plans for this post, but that all went to hell somewhere in the last couple of paragraphs. Ehh, I don't mean to let you people in on more than you care to know about me ... but I haven't really been getting any lately (with English girls, that's probably a good thing). Honestly, I'm a little stressed. So if I come off strong ... that's why. Anyway, the blog is not dead. The Johnny is not dead. Wilbur Burris is not dead. Quit your fucking complaining, anonymous, and create something with your life. Completely seriously, fuck you.

Flipping Out With the Johnny U.

2007-06-03T12:01:00.000-05:00

We here at the JUhS love many things. Two of those things are baseball and flipping out. Seriously. Love baseball and flipping out. So, of course, we love it when the two combine. About a year ago Joe Mikulik gave us this. In what I believe to be an homage, Phil Wellman of the Atlanta Braves’ AA affiliate, the Mississippi Braves, gave us this amazing bit of flipping out:

Johnny Flipping Out Rating: 8 out of 10 Eggs Fried on Foreheads (tied for lead with Mikulik)

Now, after his amazing performance, Joe Mikulik was given the Johnny as an arena in which to come on and explain himself and let the public know a bit about him. So, in fairness, the Johnny caught up with Mr. Coach Phil Wellman after the game:

JUhS: Welcome Mr. Coach.
Phil Wellman: You can call me Philbo.
JUhS: Not doing that. Anyway, we truly appreciate your performance the other night. I believe it tied the Flipping Out Fried Egg record. What do you have to say?
PW: Well, personally, I believe that to be an unstable rating system, but I’m glad. I wish I could've done more to set a new record. Next time, maybe I'll whip out my package or something....take a dump on the bat boy...something special. I’ve been studying under Bobby Cox, who is about to become the most ejected man in baseball history. As well, I consider Lou Piniella a mentor and hero and I have his poster above my bed.
JUhS: Hm. We certainly appreciate your creativity you put into your performance, meaning the army crawl and grenade attack with the resin bag. What was your inspiration?
PW: Well, few know this, but I’m actually a Soldier of Fortune. I’m well connected and very dangerous and that was just a warning to the umpire that his family’s house will probably be firebombed. Did you notice my thoroughness in covering the ENTIRE plate with dirt? Too many dudes just kick some dirt on there. But I wanted to make sure that it was done right.
JUhS: We’re kind of scared right now. So, what’s on your iPod?
PW: I have a huge mix of stuff. Charlie Daniels, Europe, Daughtry, Triumph, Da' Brat, and my all time favorite, Al Green. That was actually my iPod getting blazed over the PA during my performance. I called up to the booth and told Teddy the PA man to cycle over to my "Smooth Jams" playlist and crank up the good Reverend. I figured it established a good dichotomy for my performance. I like to sometimes call up and tell Teddy the PA man to cycle to my "Booty Jamz" playlist and get some JT Money in the air. Get them bitches in the crowd to "shake dey fat azzes".
JUhS: Wow. You’re quite the enigma...and crazy. Well, thanks for your time Coach. And best of luck.
PW: Thanks, man. But seriously, we’re the revolution.

After he said that, some horses crashed through the walls of the clubhouse and Coach jumped into the sidecar of a motorcycle driven by a leather-clad dude with a spiked-helmet (I THINK it was Dan Aykroyd). Then, they all stormed off and all that was left was the resonating sound of Lloyd Banks being bumped from the boom box being carried by one of the horsemen. Truly a weird night.

The Johnny Gets Jealous

2007-05-20T16:59:00.000-05:00

With the Texas Rangers' season already over (tease: FUTURE RANT TO COME!), the Johnny Dads need a new pastime.

Oh. Found it...

Darkon

We're already heroes.

"Wailing, teeth gnashing ... wait, where am I?"

2007-05-15T13:11:00.000-05:00

Wow. If you liked Jerry at all ... um ... don't scroll down to the previous post.

Then again, if you liked Jerry you probably weren't reading this blog.

First of all, the Johnny and its affiliates can not and will not take responsibility for what happened today. Personally, I think he just took it hard when Newt broke things off. It was inevitable. Tragic really.

Now, this may be a tad more severe than, say ... a 45-day jail sentence. And I don't (necessarily) care to promote senseless death. But like they always say, it's not like he didn't have it coming.

Inasmuch, here's to one less idiot on the planet. Let's hope he's not reincarnated (it's un-Christian, anyway). And if he is, let's hope it's as something farther down the food chain.

In parting, some items Jerry may learn on his way straight to ... well, wherever it is he's headed now:

The Earth is round

The Earth orbits the Sun (the Revolution Machine theory)

The Earth is more than 12,000 years old

We sort of look a little like monkeys for a reason

Michael Thomas (JUhS) once directed a one-act version of "Inherit the Wind"

The movie was way better

Religions other than Christianity exist

Christian denominations other than Southern Baptist-ism (Baptism?) exist

Countries other than America exist

People other than Americans exist

Those people most likely hated him

Turns out the gays didn't cause the war in Iraq

It was the Jews

Not really, it was just Cheney

Tinky Winky was the only straight Teletubby

People who think things other than the things he thinks exist (or something)

Church is boring

Jerry Falwell
RIP
1933-2007

P.S. - You're pointing the wrong way.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Newt Gingrich

2007-05-03T12:29:00.000-05:00

[Alarm sounds - digitized rendition of "God Bless America"]

[Newt hits the snooze button]

[5 minutes pass - repeat]

[5 more minutes pass - repeat]

[Another 5 minutes pass - Newt, in a fit of rage, throws alarm clock into wall - causes dent]

Newt: Fuuuuuck. I am tired. What the fuck am I gonna do today?

[Newt pulls flask from under pillow - takes swig]

Newt: Yes... *burp* ... hell yes.

[Newt takes Time magazine from night stand]

Newt: I am so ... awesome. Honey, look at this. Look at how awesome I am. Honey ... honey look.

Callista: [half asleep] I know baby ... I ...

[Newt dead-legs his wife]

Newt: Bitch, get up! Time to check for lumps! Shirt off, arms up!

Callista: [fully awake] Baby, we did this yesterday ...

Newt: Do I need to remind you about our little contract?

[Newt consults Contract with Wife, Third Edition displayed on night stand]

Newt: Honey, you know I can't be president if you've got the cancer. Come on, get 'em out.

[Newt checks his wife for breast cancer - finds nothing]

Newt: Clean. Good. You're good.

[Newt begins singing "My Humps"]

Callista: Baby, you know I get upset when you do that. Please, that joke is so played out.

Newt: [singing] ... my lovely lady lumps ... check it out!

Callista: New-new...

Newt: Honey, shut up, you know it's all in the contract. [taps on contract] You know what? It's time. Today I'm going to announce my candidacy.

Callista: Newton...

Newt: It's for the good of America. I'm running for president.

Callista: Are you sure that's such a great idea? Maybe you should stick to writing for a while.

Newt: I'll be running against a fake Republican who lives with the gays, Cancer McCancer-face, and some Mormon named Mitt.
I. Can't. Lose.

Callista: [pause] I want a divorce.

Newt: Fine. I was cheating on you anyway. Come on, Jerry. Let's go.

[Jerry Falwell jumps out of bedroom closet - completely nude except for throw pillow]

Jerry: Newt! Jerry! 2008!

Newt: Hells yeah!

Jerry: Hallelujah!

[They high-five - Kiss - Freeze frame]

SCENE.

Happy FYA Day

2007-05-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

Today is May 1st. May Day to some. Labo(u)r Day to others. "Fuck You America" Day to all. As if this differs from any other day on the calendar.

What once was a festival for pagans to prance around phallic totem poles has eventually devolved into a celebration of the working man, socialists, and anarchists. How something can sink below jumping around a giant, leafy wooden dick is beyond me, but there you have it.

I don't know what it's gonna take, but sooner or later the socialists need to realize it isn't fucking working out. You can whine and moan all you want about how America is the reason for all your problems. Or, you can take it a step further like Hugo Chavez and nationalize what little remains of your country's privately run oil companies. It's May! Fuck You America! How symbolic.

Not that I'm waxing apologetic for Big Oil (the fuckers). It's a topic that has been covered in this space before. However, I prefer my evil, faceless, autonomous corporations to fuck me via the free market system. ExxonMobil is like having the discomfort of an extra large dildo in your ass. But at least they have the courtesy to lube up first. Hugo is dry-fucking his country. And the dildo's red. With Che's famous logo emblazoned across the base.

You know what? Fuck all those know-nothing Che idolizers too. Dude's been dead for 40 years. You think all the fourteen year olds wearing his merch have any idea who he is? And I still have to see his righteous, revolutionary mug all over t-shirts, messenger bags, belt buckles, wallets. Wallets?! If that isn't irony at its base level, I don't know what is.

Here. Put this on a fucking t-shirt.

He's dead. Move on. I know he was a hero in Latin America. I'm all for rising up against oppressors when all other options fail. Our constitution was drafted to protect that very freedom (a freedom of which the NRA very frequently reminds us). But honestly, if you think dudes like Chavez and Castro aren't fucking you just as badly, then I don't know what to tell you.

Most of all - more than all this political bullshit - I hate May Day because everyone else in Europe gets the day off while I have to sit here at work. Fine. The pinkos win. For once, I'm jealous.

The JUhS Takeover Is Now (None days)

2007-04-26T05:25:00.000-05:00

And so it begins.

The Takeover.

Let the goodness wash over you for just a few moments. We have a shiny new masthead now. All professional-like. Please continue to bask in it's orangey-red, mildly carcinogenic glow.

And there will be more. Oh balls yes. There will be more to come.

Don't think we've been building this shit up all month just to slap on a new header and call it a Takeover. More is, most assuredly, on its way.

There will be proclamations.

Proclamation One: The Johnny is metamorphosing before your very eyes. JUhS has always been the fucking awesome. You already knew that. But it's about to get the awesome in so many more ways. Which brings us to ...

Proclamation Two: The Johnny is now a multimedia empire. There will be videos. There will be musics. There will be arts. There will be reviews. There will be lore and myths. There will be poorly pieced-together jpegs. The written word is no longer enough to adequately deliver all we seek to convey. But we will not eschew it completely. For it is what brought us to this point, it is goodness, and will therefore continue.

Proclamation Three: We are the symposium. A collection of minds wielding powers previously unknown to the human species, given to us by an anonymous space-faring benefactor in the form of four objects. What began on an undersized basketball court in McKinney, Texas has spread across the globe. But the original binding purpose, the electrons weaving between neurons in our brains, transporting the thoughts which you see here now on this blog - this original electromagnetic spectrum/matrix (spectrix) of awesome - is no longer of merely physical proportions. Those thoughts now reside on the internets, an unfettered microcosm unhindered by time or distance, culminating in a crux that is the Johnny Utah Symposium.

If that didn't blow you the fuck away then just leave immediately.

Proclamation Four: There will be introductions. The Symposium consists of Four. The Founding Dad Dudes. One is for lonelies and crazies. Two is for pussies. Three is the magic number, but lacks philosophical magnitude. Four is for those who enjoy creating gifts of wonder and amazement, then coolin' out really, really hard afterwards. There are four Founding Dad Dudes. There are four Proclamations. Four is the new three. Four is the tits. These are the Four FDDs:

Andrew (JUhS)
Currently resides in London. Banker. Penned some sick pieces on Dannielllyyynnnnnn, among others. Runs the presidential election previews. Would never, ever think of posting on the Johnny from work. Once woke up next to a feather duster. Despises the French.

Andy (JUhS)
Currently resides in Dallas. Actor. Frequently compared to Russell Crowe. Our comparison: Gary Oldman with an axe to grind. Penned a classic on Fidel Castro. Up keeps the JUhS All-Stars. Once teabagged Andrew (JUhS) for falling asleep during Lebowski. FDD most likely to pose nude for cash.

Derek (JUhS)
Currently resides in Dallas. Ad Exec/Rock Drummer. Author of the seminal Derek 360 publication. Specializes in leaping in fronts internationally significant monuments. Dig Day founder. Member of hard rock super group Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go. Capable of growing the most balls hard beard you've ever seen.

Michael Thomas (JUhS)
Currently resides in L.A. Post-Prod/Writer/Miscellaneous Badass Hollywood Shit. Once morphed into a slimy three-foot pig. Will literally do anything, including taking a dump on stage in full audience view. After party blow job recipient. Rates movies with his boners. Pipe shimmier.

All of the Dad Dudes have swum in creamed corn. All of them have worn orange jumpsuits. All of them appreciate the musical stylings of Boston. All of them have fled coyotes in certain parts of the McKinney wilderness. All of them are master freestyle walkers. All of them have participated in the distinguished Movies of the Week. All of them post here, on the Johnny.

And please, let us not forget Wilbur Burris, from whence all of this came, and who, in his benevolence, guides us.

You have now been Tookover. Enjoy the ride. Hhhhot yyyyeah.

-The Johnny Utah Symposium

Coolin' (1 day)

2007-04-25T02:30:00.000-05:00

The Existential Us is back from Paris, checking in on the Johnny once again. We/I/Us are/am/is busy getting situated for tomorrow's Takeover (note the handy countdown up above), so this will be brief.

Paris was everything we/us thought it would be. Pictures were snapped (Crazy Action Jumping and Faux Homelessness galore), museums were visited (except that pesky d'Orsay - closed on Monday), fake French accents were utilized, ridiculously hot French women were leered at, Quick Burgers were consumed, wine was smuggled, modern art videos were filmed, Le Catacomb was NOT visited, and French porn was NOT purchased (due mostly to lack of funds).

Rest assured that most of this wildly hilarious action will be hitting the JUhS screens in the not-too-distant future.

Until then, we leave you with this shot, which we/us feel sums up the trip quite nicely:

-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas (5 days)

2007-04-21T22:35:00.000-05:00

HOT FUZZ is better than getting a blow job in the back of a 30-Year-Old Mormon's car during the LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE after party, and is the best film of the year so far.

5 out of 5 boners.

Derek Arrives, Finds Intrigue (6 days)

2007-04-20T15:49:00.000-05:00

This post is a Johnny first, being written, that is, by two Founding Dad Dudes simultaneously. Now enjoy Derek and Andrew's musings, as they fuse together to become one existential voice, whatever the fuck that means.

Day one in foggy London town has been awesome. Everything was going so well, from the traveling to the sight seeing, that I was not prepared for the tragic and totally crazy headline I saw on one of the completely reliable street tabloids I was handed on The Underground this afternoon.

It speaks for itself.

Needless to say, I (we, Andrew & I, the royal we, the existential us) am/are/is on the case. We/I/Us need to find the head and the arms so we can ID this chick and solve this mutilation mystery.

Over and out.
-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

HOO-WEE!!! (7 days)

2007-04-19T10:13:00.000-05:00

Hello hello hello there, peoples of the JUhS! It's everyone's favorite Whipmaster, back from a sabbatical of sorts.

I can't fully disclose all the details, but I will say this ... you didn't think our pal Derek was going on a Euro trip blind, now did ya? I may be a Whipmaster by day, but by night I'm a reconnaissance-mission performing bastard (and Whipmaster). And let me tell you, night vision goggles have ... alternate uses. Just ask the Whipmistress.

But I digress.

I won't take up too much of your time there, but I did want to let you in on a little secret. Not too long ago, I gave my journal a good kick in the ass. And wouldn't you know it, today's your lucky day! I've got a new post up, and it's a doozy.

I highly recommend you go HERE and give it a gander. You won't soon regret it.

Alright, that's enough of ol' Charlie for now. But don't fret - I'll be back to whip your asses up in no time!

¡Viva La Johnny!

-Whipmaster Charlie (JUhS)

An Open Letter to Edward Norton (8 days)

2007-04-18T12:38:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, the British media* ran a story claiming Edward Norton will portray Bruce Banner in next year's Hulk follow-up, The Incredible Hulk.

Almost immediately, I felt a snap somewhere in the back of my head. It hurt a little. I was vexed.

Umm ... Ed. Buddy. Brah.

What the fuck?

Seriously, what are you thinking? Did you not catch the first one? Don't expend the effort; it was a Piece Of Shit. Just walk away! Now, while you still can. You have a great career. We'll even forgive you for Death to Smoochy. Please, don't do this.

Sure, they got rid of Ang Lee, so we know it won't be another wearisome, overbearing atrocity. But hey, the same guys are running the show. And guess who they're bringing in to direct? A fucking Frenchman. You know how I feel about the French. I know this guy's got a career to look after (Transporter 3!), but believe me - he would love nothing more than to destroy yours.

You, Edward, one of the greatest American actors working right now. Then he'll fly back home, drink delicious wine, eat a baguette, and fuck some beautiful women. In other words, he'll be OK. And you'll be left there, dick in hand, wondering why Scarlett won't call you back.

Ehh ... who the hell cares anymore? Go ahead, make the fucking film. You'll be fine. We all know the real reason you're doing it, anyway:

Have fun getting stuck in a job you detest just for the payout ... like someone ... else ... I know. Wait, what?

[* Dark Horizons also ran this.]

Derek's European Adventure (11 days)

2007-04-15T23:15:00.000-05:00

-CHEERIO!!
-BLOODY HELL!!
-LET'S RIDE THE MERRY LIFT TO THE TOPSY PARTS OF THE SHOPPE!!!
-G'DAY MATES!!

That's right! I'm going to Europe. On Thursday.

Right now it is time for a European fact attack. I've done an absolute shit ton of research to get ready for this adventure and I want to share some of what I've learned with you guys.

FACT ATTACK! TAKE COVER OR LEARN!

1. In England they use money called a POUND!
2. Europe is OLD!
3. England has a Monarchy. This has nothing to do with BUTTERFLIES!
4. Feudalism is the SHIT!
5. The buses in England have two LEVELS!

More fax to come!

Dannielynn Paternity Watch: LARRY'S THE DADDY (15 days)

2007-04-11T06:40:00.000-05:00

Dannielynn here.

It's been a hectic few weeks since I last checked in with my JUhS friends. I'm trying to relax, but it hasn't been easy. Baby stuff, you know? It's a hard life. Teething, shitting myself, sucking down capirinhas in the Bahamas, washing up unconscious on the beach every morning with sandy diaper rash (Desitin motherfuckers!), snorting heroin mixed with my dead mom's and brother's ashes. Some heavy shit.

And things just got worse.

A hell of a lot worse. Turns out Larry Birkhead, after the requisite DNA tests and likely payoffs, is the daddy. And not the "Johnny Founding Dad Dude" sort of daddy. He's the "Steal All My Money And Leave Me In A Texas Trailer With My Ogre Grandma" sort of daddy. Just look at this guy.

You think he's that happy because he has a new infant in tow? Is that what you would do if you suddenly found out you had a kid? Fuck no. That's a "I'm fucking rich, you cocksuckers!!!" pose. What a douche.

But I'm not here for your pity. Oh no. I need some help again. I pledged in my previous letter that if Larry Dickhead was my dad, I would "find any means possible to end my suffering." That wasn't a joke. I'm gonna off myself quick, and I need your help.

I'm not growing up to be a nappy-headed ho. I'm just not. I know I've got options. What's it gonna be?

1) Hanging
Too cliché, and I can't tie ropes yet.

2) Gun to Head
Again, sort of trite. Not very exciting. Messy. Loud. Gotta be something better.

3) Pills
One thing I'm not is a copycat. Worked for Momma and Bro-bro ... but I won't touch the stuff.

4) Kamikaze
Not with today's airport security.

5) Self-immolation
Now we're talking.

6) Self-defenestration
Another ritzy choice, but I may have trouble reaching the window sill.

7) Seppuku (hara-kiri)
If I can't be a princess in life, I may as well have a samurai's death.

8) Dynamite in the Mouth
Messy. Loud. Kind of awesome.

I need to get this over with soon people. I'm open to suggestions.

Smooches,
Dannielynn

PS - HAPPY BELATED EASTER!
XOXOOOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOOOXOXOXO

DEREK 360: NICKELBACK EXPOSED! (16 days)

2007-04-10T22:34:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

I'm not going to waste any time on this one. Let's get to the point.

Let me present you all with an excerpt from the lyrical excellence that is Nickelback's new single, "If Everyone Cared":

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

Seems harmless right? Yeah I thought so too. Then, as it repeated for the 57th time inside the song's overlong three minute run time I realized that it is not harmless. It's a message. A statement on the way of life these Canadian imports are trying to impose on their pork rind loving fan base.

The first two lines are completely innocuous. They are solidly written on a 2nd grade reading level and are dominated by a stout rhyme scheme in the same style as a classic "star-car" or "bean-mean" rhyme. They represent Nickelback opening the doors to their awesome Maple Leaf mansion and saying "C'mon in! We've got all these pork rinds! Who will eat them?". You're drawn in by those lines (and rinds), and if you're not careful the next two lines will just slide on by your common sense filters and make a nest in your subconscious.

Stay sharp, because here comes the third line, "If everyone shared and swallowed their pride". Once again, seems harmless. However, it is obviously a statement dripping with a communist agenda. "Share everything you have and everything will be rad". In theory communism is a great idea...in theory.

So Nickelback are a bunch of beer drinking communists. We can get over that right? For these rockers? YEAH! Pass the pork rinds! Oh wait, there's one more line.

"We'd see the day when nobody died"

Huh?

So what they're saying is that if we adopt communism as our way of doing things no one will die? Like ever? What? I can only assume that not only is their some seriously RED blood flowing through their veins but that it also has traces of Satan. "Share your moneys and no one will die because we, Nickelback, have got a pact with the big guy downstairs and he'll just reach into the dirt and bring back your dead uncle". Millions of people are probably already trying to share everything they have in an attempt to make themselves undeadable. This is bad. Beware Nickelback.

Nickelback = Communist Satanists.

Johnny U Preview: Paris (17 days)

2007-04-08T03:48:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone. I'm gonna keep this quick-like in a preview version because 1) I'm paying tourist rates out the ass for this internet connection, 2) there's about 700 museums to visit today and, 3) (and most importantly) Derek and I will be here in a few weeks anyway, after which we can give a much more awesomer and in depth sort of analysis you've come to expect from the Johnny.

Suffice it to say, Paris is pretty sweet. A little dirty, kind of smelly, and the residents are sort of punks -- but still, it's pretty sweet.

I'm here with my parents, so I feel like I'm not getting the full experience, so to speak. And they're getting on in age, so the pace isn't exactly up where I'd like it to be. They also get drunk after about two glasses of wine, after which it's like trying to walk down a busy street with two stumbling toddlers to look after. Loud, obnoxious toddlers. Not cool.

Anyway, like I said, a much more detailed report is on its way. Derek and I will have astonishing tales to tell, mixed with a pinch of disdain for the Europeans and a dash of debauchery for good measure. I know you're wet with anticipation.

-Andrew (JUhS)

P.S. - We here at the Johnny owe an apology to Mr. Mitt Romney. We looked down upon him for doing his Mormon mission in France instead of the Congo (or wherever). In retrospect, we were flat wrong. It seems Mitt had the right idea, that sly bastard. Paris is full of some tasty, tasty ass. After being stuck in London for the past six months, it's a welcome new perspective. More on this in the next report, as well.

A Couple of Propositions... (21 days)

2007-04-04T15:28:00.000-05:00

1.) Sad Farewell

It's with a heavy heart that the Johnny is forced to say "good-bye" to Coach Mr. Coach Eddie Robinson. He overcame his middle name of "Gay" and became the first college coach to reach 400 wins and was the winningnest football coach of college football history (past and present...fyi - he's 2nd now...confusing, right? kisses). "Coach" (as he was often referred to, by worldly people of the earth and the Johnny Dads) was a great man coaching the Grambling State Tigers in the ways of football and life. He was so much the man that the Football Writers of America decided to name their award for the most balls hard and awesome football coach of the year the "Eddie Robinson Award". DAMN! The Grambling State football stadium is named Eddie Robinson Stadium. DAMN! Plus, he overcame his uncomfortable and unstable middle name (as stated before). DAMN!

So, it is here that I propose that the Johnny set-up some kind of award in honor of coach. Perhaps, a scholarship in his name for young kiddos who show promise but lack the moneys necessary to attend the Johnny U. University (Johnny U. U.), where kids learn to learn about the world and then report about it. What do you guys think?

In any instance, we'll miss you coach.

Eddie Gay Robinson (1919-2007)

2.) What Do You Say?

So, the news recently came out that Keith Richards, after being questioned about the weirdest thing he's snorted, claimed that he once cut some cocaine with the ashes of his dead father and partied. A spokesman for Mr. Richards later came out and said he was just joshing. Either way, this jumpstarted the gears in my head and ideas started to squirt out onto a plate where I sifted through them with my Johnny U. brand of directing wand (don't ask questions) and arrived at this one genius idea:

I propose, that heretoafter, the still alive and kicking Johnny Dads snort the ashes of each dead and cremated Johnny Dad. I mean we already share the same blood and needles, why not a little ashed body? Huh? Huh? Derek (JUhS) already said as long as he doesn't have to include cocaine in the ash, then, he's down. I told him I'm cutting mine with Comet.

Johnny Dads, let me know. World...let us know. Happy Living.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Joe Biden (26 days)

2007-03-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

Meet Joseph Robinette (!!) Biden, Jr.

Joe is a six-term Senator (D) from the state of Delaware and 2008 presidential hopeful. Frankly, we here at the Johnny have more important things to do (The Takeover is nigh) than delve into the political history of a fringe candidate, so forgive us if our facts are ... fuzzy. But we do know this: Joe, highly respected as a senior legislator, is widely regarded as one who speaks his mind. "Great," you might say, "I'm looking for that sort of candor in my candidate." No. You're really not. This guy will literally say the first thing that bubbles to the surface. There's not a filter with Joe. No QC, to put it in JUhS terms.

Case in point, this widely publicized quote, uttered at the birth of Joe's candidacy. He had this to say regarding his highly-touted opponent, Barack Obama:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy ... I mean, that’s a storybook, man. Barack is my NEGRO, negro! Do you feel what it is that I am saying to you?"

Hold on there, buddy. We appreciate the use of colloquial banter. But Obama's Kanshawaikenyillindonesian posse will fuck you up Joe. We'd be careful. The multicultural gangstas are the ones you want to watch out for. Globalization. A president's got to know about these things.

Look ... the US had (and in all likelihood, still has) loads of racist lawmakers. But unless you were actually alive when slavery was around, you can't let voters know about it. Come on, you worked in the same Senate as Strom Thurmond. He got a pass for being 100. You don't.

Another example, this time on Indian-Americans:

"I've had a great relationship. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking ... They talk funny. And seriously, what's the deal with that dot on the forehead? Am I right? No joke, people."

You blew a great exit strategy here. Never actually tell anyone that you're "not joking." Even the most egregious verbal gaffes can be fixed with a simple "I was joking."

Upon further inspection, it appears Joseph needs a little more help with the whole Think-Consider-Speak deal.

Take this, just last week, to John Edwards:

“Cancer? Are you kidding me? And then he bumps up ten points in the polls. I mean, I love Johnny, he's my boy. But ... cancer? Screw it, I'll give my wife cancer. Where ... come here. Someone blow some smoke in her face. Strap a cell phone to her neck. I don't know. Line her sheets with asbestos. Shave that bitch's head! I'll give my wife cancer too, John. Don't fuck with me."

The lesson here is clear. Joe may be a pleasant, hard working, plain speaking guy. For good or for ill, he unabashedly speaks what he feels. Admirable? Yes. Noble? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely not. Get in the fucking game JB. You have to lie your ass off on the political battlefield.

Joe, what you need is a Head of QC. The Johnny Dads, perfect candidates though we may be, aren't available. But we can set you up with some interviews.

"Holla" at us.

DEREK 360: Yes/No (29 days)

2007-03-27T23:24:00.000-05:00

YES!

NO!

NOTE 1: The words are links.
NOTE 2: Thanks to Andrew for the European flavored Yes/No content.

Countdown to takeover. (30 days)

2007-03-26T23:14:00.000-05:00

Hello friends,

In one month's time The Johnny Utah Symposium will be taking over the Internets. Completely.

On April 26, The JUhS will relaunch itself (like SkyNet) and be full to the brim with the delicious bouillabaisse of ideas and topics you have come to expect, and it will look and feel even better while being that full. It will date your girlfriend and get her pregnant, and then disappear. It will wait for you to finally open that little music store in the middle of the quaint town square that you've been dreaming of all your life before it brings a franchise of Guitar Center in and puts it right across the street instantly bankrupting you. It will own really hard and strongly like and you will love it. Prepare.

Fear not though, for now we are going to keep the content coming. This is just a warning. The Johnny U takeover is imminent...and eminent.

April 26.
Post #200.
History.

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Love Poem #91"

2007-03-24T15:35:00.000-05:00

I love you
Like one million particles of love ions
charged with love

No Death.

I love you
Like the blood that runs in the rivers in a soft Hell
or the majesty of Africa

No Death.

I love you
And the love i feel is buoyant and strong
OUR BOND IS POWER

NO DEATH CAN STOP THIS LOVE OF OURS!

-Bad Poetry Guy

DEREK 360: Stupid(est) Person(s) Time

2007-03-20T22:44:00.000-05:00

Hello everyone.

I want to first declare that this edition of Stupid Person Time is not intended to "one up" or "kick the ass of" Andrew's Stupid Person Time article below. I love that he's keeping this segment going. The reason for the doubling up in such a short time is simply because there is a metric shit-ton of stupid people walking about on this day.

I was prepared to brush my teeths and go to bed when I happened over to CNN.com for one last glance at the world's happenings. It was then that I saw this kid for the six millionth time in the past two days:

Wee little Mikey Auberry. If you've been closely monitoring the Amber Alerts of the past week or so you'd know that Lil' Mike is the twelve year old Cub Scout who went missing from a camp ground in North Carolina. Now, I am not a person who belittles missing persons. I'm not Andrew. However when the boy is found unharmed and then later (like three hours ago) reveals why he got lost and it's some of the stupidest shit of all time, well, then I have to comment. I have to. I do.

Little Mikey A. got lost because he was homesick, and was going to find the closest highway so he could hitch a ride home.

WHAT???

This is a new level of Stupid Person Time. This is StupidEST Person Time. This kid is in the hall of fame of stupid. Not only does he wander off away from the rest of his group (den?), but he wanders off with the initial idea of hitching a ride home. DID HE NOT SEE PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? DID HE NOT SEE THE HITCHER REMAKE STARRING THE ODYSSEUST HIMSELF, SEEN BEEN? And this kid is twelve. This is not a five year old blind kid. He's an able-bodied twelve year old Cub Scout. Is there not a merit badge for common sense? I can't type fast enough to truly articulate just how foolish I think this kid is. There were, at one point, 25 seperate search groups and several dog teams searching for this little punk, and what is he doing? Looking for the highway so he can go rest stop to rest stop with some giant trucker who is, ironically, named Little Man Dave...or something.

It's totally insane. Insane crazy stupid. And, believe it or not, it gets worse. Mike's daddy, Kent, had this to say when he found out about that whole hitchhiking thing:

"We're going to have that lecture about hitchhiking again."

Again? Holy shit.

This is why this segment is today called Stupidest Persons Time. Michael Auberry, you are the six rolls of toilet paper you get for $1.99. Your dad is the bonus roll.

-Derek

Stupid Person Time

2007-03-20T14:20:00.000-05:00

Normally, Derek (JUhS) holds it down in the vast arena of Stupid Persons. Not to encroach upon his territory, but I felt compelled to share this with everyone today. While engaged in my daily routine of avoiding anything resembling work, I came across this beauty of an article from South Africa.

To recap, four recently-released criminals decided to hijack a darkly tinted car right in front of a police station that - get this - contained two armed police officers and two armed private investigators. Needless to say, they were unsuccessful. Somehow, no one was injured. Stupid? I'd say very.

This got me thinking ... would these criminals' severe lack of judgement apply to alternate scenarios? Where does this rank in the universe of patently bad ideas?

Some off-the-cuff examples:

Guy 1: My recurring case of explosive diarrhea is acting up again. Are you sure this roller coaster is such a great idea?
Guy 2: It's all good, mans. I'm right behind you.
-------------------------------
Man: Please, sweetie. Please blow me. Just ... work around the herpes sores.
Woman: Alright. Is herpes even contagious?
Man: No ... ??
-------------------------------
HS Basketball Player: Coach, that retard McElwain won't stop bothering us. We're losing by 30, can't you do something?
Coach: Don't worry. I'll put him in for a couple minutes, he'll miss a few shots, and we won't hear a word about it ever again.
-------------------------------
Britney: You know, I've been wondering ... bald. The new pink?
Paris: That's so hot.
-------------------------------
Marquette Mom 1: What's that one kid's name? The funny looking one with the curly hair. Something with a 'J'. Jopchinskee, Japdoogee ...
Marquette Mom 2: Fuck it. Just write "Jade".

I might be on to something here.

Readers, we know you're out there (you're on our counters!). We'd like to see your own thoughts in the comments. There's got to be some better examples. Have at it.

DEREK 360: Let's watch movies: Once Bitten

2007-03-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about Once Bitten. Once Bitten is a chilling film from 1985 starring a before-he-was-famous Jim Carrey as the helpless victim to one-time-hottie Lauren Hutton's blood-thirsty vampiress. It's a story about dark forces and how said forces can be affected, both positively and negatively, by the personal choices a person makes...in 1980's California. It's a hardcore experience of a film. It's gritty, real and powerful and it makes everything Carrey has done since look like a bowl of burnt feces.

The movie opens by clearly laying out the troubling plot. The vampiress and her homosexual butler calmly discuss their problem. If she does not drink the blood of a virgin three times in the next ten days she will lose her youthful and totally ridiculously hot visage. She has been having a problem though. It seems that in 1980's California no one except kids are virgins and, because she is a vampire with a moral structure of blood drinking, she refuses to prey on kids. So what can she do? Her clock is ticking. The movie grabs you here and does not let you go.

From there we meet Jim Carrey's character. He is attempting to make love to his longtime girlfriend and she is resisting. Jim is defeated. Could he be the last virgin in all of California?

Naturally our two main characters intersect. On a chance night out at a Hollywood club Jim and vampiress cross paths and decide to go back to vampiress' house castle. From there lady vamp sucks Jim's blood (through his inner thigh...not the neck...Once Bitten does not trudge in the realm of the trite vampire cliche...it invents a new legacy of vampire fear and pain) and tells him that they made the sex like a couple of college kids hopped up on sugar-water and jelly beans.

At this point the movie has an almost playful air of fear. It's as though the film, unconsciously, is attempting to prepare the viewer for the lineup of tragic events that are to come. The viewer, however, can't be properly prepared for the visceral and unbelievable emotional ride they are about to be taken on. Jim Carrey's character spends the next solid hour of this masterwork of a film juggling the longtime girlfriend whom he loves and the vampiress who is clearly becoming more and more of a threat. This movie actually does what Fatal Attraction woefully attempted to do. Carrey's character begins to be torn, both through a physical transformation on par with some of the great visual performances of our time (i.e. Christian Bale in The Machinist, Jared Leto in that movie where he's a fat dude, etc.) and an emotional resonance that rips out the viewer's heart and breaks it again and again.

The movie is punctuated in a thrilling sequence that is Hitchcockian in its suspense and Speilbergian in its execution. In the end Carrey's longtime girlfriend must make the weighty decision to either give the man she loves the eternal gift of her virginity or watch him perish into the dark world of the occult. The choice she makes and the consequences everyone experience will move you to tears.

Normally I like to divulge prescious plot points in my reviews but doing that here would be patently unfair. Watch this film and as you are watching feel the feeling of knowing that you know that you are watching a film that needs to be needed and watched and let it run through your blood. It's powerful stuff.

+PROS+
+Everything.

-CONS-
-Nothing.

I give this film a 10.1 out of 10
-Derek

THE JOHNNY CELEBRATES A HOLIDAY !UPDATED!

2007-03-17T19:26:00.000-05:00

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

-Drunky McJaderson

The North Hollywood Chapter of the JUHS:
Wasting lives, wasting talent, kissing fat chicks.

Nels' News

2007-03-16T20:07:00.000-05:00

It’s a Nels’ News Follow-up.

First of all, how do you know it’s a slow news day? When a station spends three-and-a-half minutes talking about last nights newscast. Watch the play-by-play of the cat attack below.

Now, another, even more shocking development. We’ve all been looking to Big Pooga for the coming invasion, suspecting it would come from the sea. But is it possible that the aquatic army has enlisted land animals to their cause? Perhaps the Cleveland cat attack was some sort of sign, a signal to feline America that the time for vengeance has come.

Case in point.

Could it be that the cats will attack en masse, herding us running and screaming towards the water, where Big Pooga’s aquatic minions will finish the work?

I fear that these attacks are connected, and that they will hearken the beginning of a wave of feline violence the likes of which we can scarce imagine. We must take to the bomb shelters, stock the shelves with food, and wait.

Pray to your Gods.

Nels St. Claire.

The Johnny U Newsreel: ARE YOUR BRACKETS BOOMDED OR BUSTED?

2007-03-16T07:03:00.000-05:00

doo doot doot deet dot doo doo doot--
dee dee dot doot deet dah dee doot--

The most amazing four days in the history of the year?!

...

...

The least exciting first day in the history of recent memory?!?!

...

...

DUKE DROPPING DANK DEFECATION ON THE DANCEFLOOR??!!??!!!!!

This just in--

[What's the name of that pool I should've joined by never got around to?]

You asshat. You mean the JUBL's first annual facebook tournament pool? It's the awesome.

[Tell us, won't you? Who's in the lead?]

None other than Joseph Morgenstern, longtime friend to the Johnny. He's only a perfect 16/16 on day one.

[How are the founding dad dudes' brackets doing?]

Andy, Andrew, and Derek's are just fine, thanks. Michael Thomas~~, not so much~~ is actually doing alright as well.

[What's the prize for winning?]

In addition to year-long bragging rights, the winner will receive one (1) post on the Johnny. This post can cover any topic of the winner's choosing. Our only request: that it not suck. The use of fictional characters is, as always, highly encouraged. (-pending JUhS committee approval-)

[Is there any other news to report besides basketball?]

Yeah. Cricket fucking sucks.

Happy Day Two to everybody. Until next time, after Kevin Durant melts all our faces, signing off from your favorite website and most trusted news source...

...THE JOHNNY U NEWSREEL

Nels' News

2007-03-14T18:57:00.000-05:00

This is from Nels St. Claire.
The real one.

He sent me this clip from his Johnny outpost in The Tedo. Enjoy.

JUhS All-Stars (A New JUhS Bit)

2007-03-13T15:17:00.000-05:00

Layoffs. Firings. Retirements. They happen every day, however, never are they more publicized than in the arena of professional sports. For years now, Derek and myself have played a “game” in which all newly retired or cut (fired for the un-sportsy) sports personalities would find themselves up for a job at the McKinney YMCA (don’t ask). For example, about a year ago Jerome Bettis retired from the NFL. He was then up for consideration as the starting running back/athletic director for the YMCA. Many a player and many a coach from many a sport soon found themselves newly employed with the McKinney YMCA.

Well, Derek and I, now being fully employed by the JUhS (check out the Rovers and Maybachs), have left the McKinney YMCA. However, sports dudes continue to retire and get all fired every of these days (?). These dudes need new employment as I, being the economist I am, will not tolerate them being a strain on the economy with their unemployment and welfare sucking. So, HERE! TODAY! I would like to announce the establishingment of the JUhS All-Stars! Due to newly freed cap room and that room of cash we discovered the other day while wondering around the JUhS mansion, we can now afford to field our own teams of sports stars (across all sports in the sports galaxy) who will do battle against the best other planets can offer (as well as staple and colate important JUhS documents, plunge JUhS office and mansion toilets and groom the pets).

Now, where to begin. This is going to be tricky because we find ourselves in a very odd part of the sports calendar where we find only the Association of Basketball National in season. This means that many a day has passed since football and baseball seasons ended so that means we have missed quite a few firings and retirements. So, I’m going to gently ease us into the water here and throw a couple of nominees out there for your consideration. Remember, this is just to start, later we can go back and find some new candidates. This is how it will work: I’ll throw out the names, I’ll make a couple of pointers about said names, we will vote, I will keep track on my JUhS issued computing machine (given by the Heavens) and make updates as necessary! Let’s play ball…

1.) Bill Parcells - Head Football Coach

Real Name: Duane Charles “Bill” Parcells (How he got the name “Bill” and shed the often criminal elements and stigmas of the name Duane is a mystery and should be enough to hire him)
Nickname: The Big Tuna
Accolades: 2 Super Bowl Titles; 183-138-1 Record; Asstons of Coaching Awards; Responsible for 7 Current Pro and College Head Coaches; Awesomely round belly

2.) Jake Plummer - NFL Quarterback, Avid Beard/Mustache Supporter

Real Name: Jason “Jake” Stephen Plummer

Nickname: The Snake

Accolades: Nothing Much More Than Extremely Sweet/Psycho-Looking Facial Hair Patterns and Growing Abilities; Led Some Teams to the Playoffs; Gives Fans the Finger

So, what you guys think? Bill Parcells for the role of Head JUhS Football Coach and Jake “The Snake Plummer” as QB1 of the JUhS Footballers. Lemme hear from you…

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

2007-03-08T22:03:00.000-06:00

I love local advertising.

Go here to watch a list of the "50 best local ads of all time". Much love to The Phat Phree for compiling these clips.

Here's one of my personal favorites:

It's just like.
It's just like.
A mini.
Mall!

Brilliant...and effective.
-Derek

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas

2007-03-07T22:33:00.000-06:00

In the tradition of previous entries in the franchise, SAW III shits itself and dies like a relapsed cancer patient.

0 boners out of 5.

Fuck you, Darren Lynn Bousman.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - John Edwards

2007-03-06T14:08:00.000-06:00

JUhS readers, we present to you here today a very, very special guest contributor to preview Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards. She's an accomplished columnist, author, blogger, television pundit, radio personality, actress, national sex symbol and professional sadist. Please welcome ... Ann Coulter.

Every warm-blooded, non-terrorist male just came in his pants.

And probably some of the ladies out there too.

Now, while the Johnny is a strictly apolitical blog, we can make no such guarantee for Ann and her guest post. We hear she leans slightly to the right. Kind of like Jade's dick.

Without further ado, Ann...

...

"AAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGGGRRRGHHHHHGG
AAAAAAARGRGRHRGRGRGHHHHHRRRGGGG
RRRRAAAFFFFGGGRRRRBBBRRGGGGHHHHH
ROWWWLLLLRRRRRGGRRRRAAAABBBBHHHH
JOHN EDWARDS IS A FUCKING FAGGOT!!!!!
AAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGGGRRRGHHHHHGG
AAAAAAARGRGRHRGRGRGHHHHHRRRGGGG
RRRRAAAFFFFGGGRRRRBBBRRGGGGHHHHH
ROWWWLLLLRRRRRGGRRRRAAAABBBBHHHH"

Wow ...

Scathing.

Thanks Ann!

After receiving a post full of such sexy, sexy animosity, we thought it was only fair we give the John Edwards camp a chance to retort.

And, wouldn't you know it, look who they sent:

It's Isaiah Washington, from Grey's Anatomy! Here's what he submitted to us:

"Listen up. I know a faggot when I see one. Alright? John Edwards is not a fag.

Ann. Call me, bitch."

With people like him on your team, John, we think you'll go far.

If you would like to support Mr. Edwards' campaign, feel free to attend a rally in San Antonio at the Sunset Station Depot. It's tomorrow, March 7th, at 5:00pm. But keep an eye out for Ann, she'll be looking to destroy you. Sexually.

Not to overpost, but...

2007-03-05T15:15:00.000-06:00

The JUhS and Mr. Peppermint want to wish a very special birthday to one of the most influential artists of all time.

EDDY GRANT

NOT to be confused with:

Brian Grant

Horace Grant

Hope you all love it and hope Eddy keeps on rocking.

Here's to living!

-Mr. Peppermint

The Johnny U Newsreel: HOLY FUCK, ANDY IS BACK

2007-03-05T14:38:00.000-06:00

doo doot doot deet dot doo doo doot--
dee dee dot doot deet dah dee doot--

An Andrews W. Cope sighting?!

...

...

Sexy beards in the world of high finance?!?!

...

...

HOT MONKEY AUTOFELLATIO??!!??!!!!!

This just in--

[Will Andy ever post again, EVER?]

You heard it here first on the newsreel. It was only a matter of when, and when is now. Catch it all here.

[Is this the comeback story of the year?]

Of the century, quite possibly.

[Michael Thomas on IMDB? And gay?!]

Yes and Probably.

[Will Dancing with the Stars suck a huge dick?]

Our primate friend says it all.

[Is the JUBL really hosting a facebook tourney pool?]

Yeah, and if you haven't joined already, kill yourself. Do it.

Until next time, when there'll be more 1318% accurate headlines from your favorite website and most trusted news source...

...THE JOHNNY U NEWSREEL

Excuse Me While I Eat This Guy...

2007-03-05T10:17:00.000-06:00

It is with a humble heart that I say “hello”. It has been a very long while since I have contributed anything to the great and honorable JUhS (and even longer since I contributed anything worth anything more than 8 seconds of your time). Many a day has passed since an Aperture hatched itself on the Johnny and many a person may have said “it’s for the best”. However, my personal human mind awareness being has encountered a few things since my last visit. I have had to battle many a personal demon and done quite a bit of soul searching. Some things took hold of me and I needed to pry myself free. It took time. It took energy. It took time and energy. It took me returning to the Truth, my faith and my family. Finally, with hope, prayer, persistence and tears, I changed.

At last, I had fled the darkness. I am here, back again. I have shed the evil skin of laziness. I have overcome the leprosy of being tired. I have broken the fever of mindlessly Facebooking and MySpacing all day. And, I have pretty much caught up on my “Arrested Development” watching. Coo-coo-ka-cha! Coo-coo-ka-cha!

I was like an ostrich who had run to throw his head in the sand, avoiding all human contact. Choosing not to pleasure others but rather to play with myself....hm...

I want to apologize to all readers out there for the lax attitude I have taken towards such an important pillar of the world (that’s right…the world). There are so many of you who turn to the JUhS for your daily entertainment, escape, enlightenment, enhancement and episodic elevation. There are so many of you who turn to the JUhS for your daily news updates (it IS like 1318% accurate…every time). There are so many of you who turn to the extremely dedicated and hardworking Dads: Derek, Michael Thomas/Jade and Andrew for your daily affirmations that the world offers better things than violence, greed, hate, “Dancing with the Stars”, Nickelback, Little Man, and, of course, John Buccigross. You…no…WE have so much to thank the Dad’s for that a bucket full of doubloons and some oiled up coeds could never approach our debt to them.

As a means of appeasing and paying the debt of my absence, I offer you this: THE TRUE STORY OF THE BIRTH OF THE JUhS. I remember the day on the JUBL Court (when it was merely “the court”) when the idea of a blog was hatched. Shortly there after, 4 objects fell from the stars to the 4 corners of the earth. Scientists, the media and world leaders covered it up and no one knew a thing. But we did…somehow….not really sure how…but we did. But what were these objects? We threw our inquiries towards the scientists, the media and world leaders and they told us they were “a combination of falling stars and/or meteors and/or leftover pieces of the Space Shuttle Columbia”. However, they were lying-ass liar pants just lying to us. Much like the dudes from Voltron (minus 1) we scattered to the ends of the earth and learned the ways of these machines (that we found, by the way). We decided the machines would best be used for blogging and somehow THE JUhS WAS BORNED. Daily, the dudes known as the Founding Dads would churn out entries for the masses. Sometimes employing a shotgun approach to blogging by just throwing out massive quantums of fodder occasionally hitting the genius bullseye. Other times, it was as if Moses himself was chiseling the world-wide-web with a typewriter made of gold and Godiva chocolate. In the beginning we were like David Freeman trying to pilot Max: we could kind of keep the ship levitated just enough to bump into shit inside the NASA hanger. However, before long we were zipping through time and space with a cute little alien on our shoulder singing Beach Boys.

There was an immense amount of responsibility placed up the shoulders of us dudes and ¾ of us have carried that burden. For over a year now, Derek, Michael Thomas/Jade, and Andrew (as well as numerous special contributors) have carried the JUhS on their backs like soldiers carrying dead dudes. And before this turns into another JUhS birthday entry, I just wanted to say: “I’m sorry” for abandoning my post and for my utter failure to the world.

However, I am rededicating myself to this cause and to this family of JUhS Dudes. I will be here on those days when you’re sitting in your cubicle all bored and stuff. I will be here on those days when you wake up hung over from the night before wondering what the news in the world of music or movies is. I will be here when there are updates in the struggle between man and fish. I will be here. Period. Mostly because of house arrest. I will be here with my fragmented sentences, typos, virtual abortion of grammar, misuse of punctuation and overuse of “…”. I only hope that you can soon accept me back as a Founding Dad and that my Founding Dads will hold in their arms again…slowly letting their arms slide down my back to the curves of my ass and proceed with a playful cup and a pinch. I know it will take time and I expect nothing...but...I will be here.

So watch out, assholes. Andy’s back.

Welcome to the JUBL 2007 Facebook NCAA Tournament Pool

2007-03-02T11:37:00.000-06:00

Welcome. We're honored to announce the Johnny Utah Basketball League (JUBL) is hosting its very own Facebook pool for this year's NCAA basketball tournament. If you decided to join us, we're certain you've already made the best decision of 2007, possibly of all time.

If you clicked that link on the left side of the Facebook pool front page, cool. It works. Good. Thanks for stopping by. If it's your first time at the Johnny Utah Symposium, feel free to look around. We hope you like it and stuff. And if you've been here before, welcome back. How are you? Cool ... yeah. We're fine. How's [work/school/panhandling/stripping]? Good, good. OK, stop standing around and help us welcome some of the new people.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, you have absolutely no shot at winning this pool. Don't get us wrong, we're sure you'll pick some awesome brackets. Unfortunately for you, the Johnny is all about winning. In fact, we've never really lost anything. Ever. So I'm fairly sure one of us will win, even if it means kicking you all out before the final four. Fair warning.

Seriously though, don't let that get in the way of your picks. It's only a game. Go wild. And you may want to consider a 2-15 upset (or is it time for a 16 seed to advance?). It's been a strange year.

Good luck everyone. And happy March.

Are you in the 0.007% of the population that doesn't have Facebook? Want to participate anyway? Email the JUhS at thedudesblog[-at-]yahoo[-dot-]com and let us know. We probably won't not sell your information to marketers.

Fed Chairman: "My beard is splendid, and without equal"

2007-02-28T13:01:00.000-06:00

MEMORANDUM
FROM: THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE
TO: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
SUBJECT: MY BEARD

Fellow Citizens of the United States,

Fear not, our economy is chugging along just fine. Even as I write this message to you, Tuesday's small "issue" has already been resolved. I assure you, the Federal Reserve Bank is on it like Chinamen on a railroad. Apologies, Asian-Americans. All right, bad example. Haha! Oh my ... even boring Fed Chairman Ben has a chuckle every now and then. My point is, you don't have anything to worry about. Please refer to any of the mainstream media outlets for verification.

Today, I'm writing this memo for an entirely different reason. Namely, because my beard is splendid, and without equal.

Make no mistake, I'm not ordinarily one to boast. I don't presume to assert that my beard is the best. I merely state that it is magnificent. And also without peer. There just isn't another quite like it.

Look at how finely chiseled it is. So full and manly. So evenly distributed and perfectly trimmed. Only a beard as masculine as mine deserves to control the free world's economic and banking systems. And you know, females love the salt and pepper look.

This artist's rendition almost does it justice. Almost. Speaking of justice, my beard is stronger and fuller than Larry Justice's beard. And that's saying something. Quite a lot, actually. I challenge you to find any beard on this list even remotely approaching mine. It simply does not exist.

I'd match my beard against any other famous beard in history. Karl Marx? Pffft. Damn Communist. I've got something for you Karl. It's a little system called Capitalism. You may have heard of it. It's sort of my thing. Oh, and your beard doesn't hold a candle to mine. In fact, mine is so strong and praiseworthy, it could literally hold a candle aloft if properly positioned. Das Kapital? Das kiss my ass.

Fidel, I have to admit ... I respect you. You, the last bastion of a dying breed. I don't mean Communism, I mean ye of the awesome beard. For that I hold you in the highest regard. But I will never back down, you son of a Red whore. Consider this a challenge, mano-a-mano (or should I say, barba-a-barba?), for bearded supremacy.

In conclusion, America, your well-being and comfort is in safe hands. Strong hands. Hands attached to arms which are in turned connected to a torso, from which sprouts a neck. And this neck is bearded. Heavily bearded. I don't go in for that neck-trimming fashion. That's gay.

Give me a neck beard, symbol of the free world.

Give me the beard of a free thinker.

Give me the beard of a liberator.

GIVE ME...

Godammit. Nevermind.

Just forget this ever happened. I'm going to jack up interest rates so high you'll yearn for the days of my beard's reign. Where's my Remington...

May all your beards ~~be full~~ fall out,
BB

DEREK 360: Dancing With The Stars Preview

2007-02-22T20:02:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone.

I love dancing. I love sexy dancing, classic dancing, dancing that involves food, food that can dance, ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, Mayan, Aztec, Sumarian, Hula, pop'n-n-lock'n, hyphy dancing, crunk dancing, pole dancing, stripping, the dancing you do on the line when you're completely blasted out of your mind and the officer asks you to walk straight, ceremonial dancing, Jewish dancing, dancing that involves a lot of jumping, skanking, gettin' low, grinding, freaking, bumping, dry humping, dancing with animals, dancing animals, dancing around issues, dancing around me writing the rest of this article-

Oh...I got off track there but I'm back. I apologize. So, as I was saying, I love dancing and there is really no television show that is a better outlet for my dance love than Dancing With The Stars on ABC. It is just so exciting to see all these awesome (and totally relatable) celebs dancing their way to the championship. So today I am going to preview the upcoming fourth season of DWTS by going through the list of new celebs and analyzing them. Oh yes.

Dancing With The Stars: Season 4 Contestants:

1. Laila Ali
Laila is an undefeated chick boxer and the daughter of Muhammad Ali. Because Papa Ali is (for some reason) just about the most beloved man in all of sports history, she is definitely one of the more "famous" people in this cast. I know that's scary. I'm sure her "sting like a bee" genes will do her a lot of good on the dance floor as she manipulates her softball player's physique in outfits that will not be flattering or appropriate on someone of her...stature. She has the potential to be a ridiculous chick oaf and make an ass of herself or she has the chance to dance herself into the final rounds (pun intended). She's hard to call.

2. Billy Ray Cyrus
Awwwwwwwwwww shit. Look who's back in the good graces of the American public. Billy "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus has wisely been keeping a low profile the last decade. He's on a show called Hannah Montana which, with a name like that, has to be absolutely awesome. Something tells me that Billy's dancing skills have atrophied in the same way his hit song writing skills have, so I don't see him making it to the end.

3. Clyde Drexler
Clyde fills the obligatory sports figure role on DWTS. He was nicknamed "The Glide" while in the NBA so I'm sure the producers expect that gliding ability to transfer over to some skill on the dancefloor. Unfortunately it was probably a nickname he gained, not on the basketball court as orginally thought, but in the many whorehouses that dot the fringe of downtown Portland. If it were Bangin' With The Stars or Playin' One on One With An Aged NBA Superstar That May or May Not Have The Clap he would be set, but in this contest he will not be the second coming of Emmitt Smith. He will lose.

4. Joey Fat One
Joey Fat One is a member of the now blown up boy band, NSYNC. He is not a porn star (yet) despite the obvious ease with which his name could transition into that realm. He is not the gay dude and he is not related to Mark Wahlberg. He has never had sex with Cameron Diaz but he may have given head to the writer/director of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (That's pure speculation...but when Fat One is on set, things happen). I guess he did some "dancing" when he was in NSYNC but I think he was always one of the lamer (lamer is being used here in the sense of a dying horse...not an uncool individual) ones who got stuffed in the back. He's an enigma, but I don't see him winning this thing.

5. Shandi Finnessy
Who the hell is this person? She's a former Miss USA so she's probably on board to fill the "hot ass" requirement. If she can dance even a little bit she can win...because people love hot ass. According to ABC.com she's also the host of a Gameshow Network show called Playmania. I'm sure that show is awesome. I've got a great feeling about this chick (and thats without even google image searching her name).

6. Leeza Gibbons
Leeza Gibbons is one of those disgusting entertainment journalists that cover celebrity weight fluctuation, create hybrid couple names and preview second rate reality television shows...

She also can't spell her name for shit and my gut tells me to call her Sleeza...and Sleeza's can't dance. She's losing.

7. Heather Mills
Heather Mills was, at one point and time, married to Paul "I'm Bullshit" McCartney. ABC is making a big deal about the fact that she is the first DWTS contestant to have an artificial limb. I think that's great too, except for the fact that you kinda need two good (and real) legs to dance your way to the top of the celeb dancing pile, so it'll be an uphill battle. She is missing one of her legs below the knee and she is also "famous" for her landmine awareness and prevention programs. Irony? She'll get all the attention at first until it's revealed that wheelchairs and limping are frowned upon. At that point she'll bow out gracefully to pursue "her causes".

8. Apolo Anton Ohno
Just typing this shithead's name makes me wanna vomit. He's a speed skater and he'll probably go all the way to the end. "OHNO? OH YES!" will become a nationally embraced catchphrase and this three named jackass will finally become the star he was destined to become five Olympic medals ago. Somewhere some place someone will make the incredible point of how disturbing it is that people are glued to a show about washed up has been "celebrities" dancing in a competition that is reigned over by the host of America's Funniest Home Videos while the Olympics, a legendary international matchup of might and will that dates back to Zeus, barely registers as a top ten program in the Neilsen ratings anymore. This point, however, will not register with anyone because they will all be watching DWTS.

9. Vincent Pastore
This dude is famous for playing a character named Big Pussy on The Sopranos. He is overweight. He will probably be extremely self-disparaging as the judges (dance experts) rip him a new one week after week before finally booting him off the show. He's comic relief in the form of a lovable big dude. He will lose. Maybe after this he can be on the inevitable second season of Armed and Famous.

10. Paulina Porizkova
This chick is a model. She's good looking so she has a chance to go all the way. She is, according to ABC.com releasing a book in the Spring so I guess she's a model/author now. Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. She is not the foolish model chick who is dating James Blunt. That chick is different...and really, really, really foolish.

11. Ian Ziering
It is pronounced EYE-AN. This joke was a member of the cast of Beverly Hills 90210. He's taking the pathway layed out before him by the brilliantly bald Joey "Whoa" Lawrence. The path of a completely washed up former television actor who is now busy "producing" films while weighing the pros and cons of dabbling in softcore porn. If he performs like Mr. Lawrence he may earn the chance to go back to doing what he's doing now...nothing. DWTS is not a springboard to fame (just ask that chick with the breasts who won the first one), it's a celebration of famous people figuring out that they have a talent and then nurturing that talent to fruition.

The final two will be Laila Ali and Apolo John Anthony Ohno with Ohno winning, as not even a solo dance by Ali's dad is enough to sway the voters. It will be emotional. It will be real. It will be brilliant.

It will suck. Real bad.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Yes/No

2007-02-21T21:09:00.000-06:00

YES!

NO!

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Mitt Romney

2007-02-21T06:35:00.000-06:00

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

You may or may not have heard by now, but on November 4, 2008 the United States is electing a brand new president. That's a mere 622 days away. That's less than 15,000 hours. Don't lose your shit just yet. This sort of thing tends to sneak up on people, so we won't blame you for falling behind. But seriously, it's time to get off your ass and throw down fisticuffs in the political arena.

The Johnny made a promise to you, its readers, to be even bigger and better in 2007. Allow us to make good on that promise by providing you with the know-how and weaponry necessary to become a formidable political warrior. Consider us the brass knuckles for your weak, pasty girl fists (think Clay Aiken). When we're done with this preview, you'll have rock hard man fists (think Rocky on steroids). With a sweet pair of brass knuckles. And when some election pollster wanders up to you on the street asking "Hi, which candidate do you support blah blah blee blah...", instead of stammering like a halfwit with a blank stare on your face, you can smash said pollster in the face and scream "OBAMA, YOU LITTLE BITCH! WHAT!?" And you thought politics was boring.

Instead of pummelling your face with a jackhammer and laying it out all at once, these will be released periodically. We'll shoot for weekly installments, but if you follow the JUhS at all you know how these things tend to turn out.

Alright, let's start this thing off with ... Mitt Romney.

First things first, Mitt is a fucking awesome name.

Mitt. Immediately evocative of baseball, the musky smell of glove leather, and all that is right and good in America.

Mitt. Fuckin' A.

Unfortunately, the list of positive things we have to say about the guy ends with his first name. This is not encouraging. Romney, as far as last names are concerned, is a poor follow-up to Mitt. His first name is like a Mavs-era Steve Nash lobbing up a perfectly placed pass near the rim waiting to be ooped. His last name is Shawn Bradley botching the play, missing the put back, and hustling back on defense before getting dunked on by someone two feet shorter than him. A poor follow-up.

Hey, guess what else he has in common with Shawn Bradley? That's right, they're both Mormon. But he's not just any Mormon. He did his missionary work in France. He's a French Mormon. First of all, if there are any two things Americans hate, it's Mormons and the French. So right off the bat we know this man can't be president. And secondly, why the hell are you doing your mission in France? You should be going somewhere badass and dangerous like Bolivia or the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Not France.

We have one more slight problem with Mitt. And you're gonna have to take this with a grain of salt because, well, he is a politician and all. But Mitt is a fucking liar. Let's take a look at a featured quote on the front page of his campaign website.

"America's greatest innovation is freedom. Without freedom, we have nothing. With freedom, nothing can hold us back."

Hmmhm ... that's funny. Mitt is opposed to abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage, and ... let's see here ... oh, and freedom. Sort of waters down that quote a little bit, doesn't it Mitt? You lying d'bag. Go back to Utah.

Badass first name though. We like where you're headed with that.

Romney for President, Inc. will begin airing television ads today in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Michigan and Florida. If you would like to contribute to his campaign, you probably weren't reading well enough. Start again from the top and read better this time.

UPDATE: Sorry Mitt, we have one more nice thing to say about you. Your wife is hot. Nice work, you fucking frog.

JUhS Exclusive: Dannielynn Smith Speaks

2007-02-14T14:03:00.000-06:00

First of all, I'd like to thank all the Johnny Utah Symposium members for giving me a platform to communicate with the public here today. All too often, the voices of former Playboy Playmate of the Year and reality TV entertainer's five-month old daughters go unheard. Today we can finally say this wrong has be unwronged. It has been righted. Thank you, Johnny U.

Alright.

You may be thinking, "Excuse me, five-month old children cannot talk, much less write ... the hell is this?" I would reply thusly: are you that surprised? After all that has occurred in the circus-that-was-my-mother's-life, the life of one Anna Nicole Smith, is it completely out of the question? Of course not. Just run with it.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I was completely fucked off my face for the second and third trimesters. My mother rammed enough shit through her system to kill Barbaro ... faster. But she survived. For long enough to birth me, anyhow. And do you know how she did it? Me, you assholes. All that toxicity got sucked into my head. Here's a table to illustrate just how bad it was:

But instead of killing me, it somehow morphed my tiny unborn fetus brain into a radioactive mash of super intelligence. Great. Now I'll actually be smart enough to realize how pathetic and unfullfilling my existence will inevitably become. The rest of my family jaunted along in blissful ignorance, lucky bastards. I'm left here, robbed even of my youth.

But I will be a millionaire, so there's that.

However ... there are some serious dickheads who will, as surely as we can be sure of anything, try to take my money. We all know this. That's why I've enlisted the help of the Johnny U and its readers. I badly need to make the least horrible choice here. Which of these people do I want to be my daddy? Let me give you the rundown.

1) Howard K. Stern (Jew)
This is the head douchebag of the group. Just look at this asshole. Unfortunately, it looks like he's most likely to get his hands on the sweet green. This cannot happen. There's gotta be someone better than this, right? RIGHT?

2) Larry Birkhead (Photographer)
Again, as you perhaps can tell, huge douchebag. If he wins, my intellect will be used to find any means possible to end my suffering. And soon.

3) Prince Frederic von Anhalt (Husband to Zsa Zsa Gabor, Badass)
I'm rooting for this guy. Princess Dannielynn? Hell yes. Unfortunately, he's insane. And probably not the daddy. One can hope.

4) Vergie Arthur (Mother of ANS, Grammie)
See #2. If this monstrous woman is my daddy, death will come swiftly.

5) Alexander Denk (Bodyguard)
The good news: if he's the father, I will immediately lose all intelligence, by the looks of it. The bad news: that will make it harder to end my life.

6) Nuke Gingrich (Blogger)
Pros: Beer, Sunny locale
Cons: Straw hat, Full of shit

7) J. Howard Marshall II (Former husband of ANS, Deceased, Badass)
Ohh, the good ol' days. The source of my supposed wealth. It's been alleged that I was borne of his frozen seed. This is my straightest route to the hard cash.

So what do you think? I can tell you one thing, it's looking bleak for me. If there's anyway to avoid the end that has thusfar been laid out for me (lying facedown in a mix of blood, glass shards, and my own vomit in the empty hottub of an abandoned reality television set), please help me. Whichever choice, one through seven, just show me the scratch. It's my only hope...

Sincerely,
Dannielynn

PS - Happy Valentine's Day!
XOXOXO

The Johnny U Newsreel: SHOCKING TWISTS & HAPPENINGS

2007-02-09T02:46:00.000-06:00

doo doot doot deet dot doo doo doot--
dee dee dot doot deet dah dee doot--

JOHNNY U INFIGHTING?!!???!

...

...

TURF WARS????!!!!

...

...

CHEESEBALLZ???!!!!?!?!?!!

This just in--

[Did Andrew hijack newsman entity "Nels St. Claire" for his own demented purposes?]

Stay tuned for the latest...

[Will Derek call on the services of the Toledo Hitsquad Assassins, led by his older brother?]

Dunno, stay right here if you want to find out...

[Is Michael Thomas looking to steal Andrew's parking space and take a shit all over it?]

We don't really want to know, but maybe you do ... so, stick around...

[Will Andy ever post again, EVER?]

It's probably a matter of when, not if, but hey ... you gotta keep it tuned right here to be sure...

All this to come (and more!) at your favorite website and most trusted news source...

...THE JOHNNY U NEWSREEL

DEREK 360: Yes/No

2007-02-05T22:02:00.000-06:00

YES!

NO!

Low on the list of preferred Sunday morning topics:

2007-02-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

I changed apartments this past weekend (from west to east London, not that you were interested). Out of necessity, I called a car to help me move the ridiculous amount of shit I own for someone essentially living out of a suitcase. An extremely pleasant gentlemen helped me load my luggage and quickly headed us across town. I was, however, forced to sit in the front seat since the cab was completely full. Normally, I don't prefer to do this. You'll see why after I explain what transpired.

Attempting to break the ice with both of us crowded in the front seat, mister driver decided to strike up a conversation. It went something not unlike this:

"So, my friend, you are not from the UK. Where are you from?"

"Uh... I'm from America. I used to live in Texas."

"Ahhh, Texas. I know Texas. George Bush!" [note: this is always the response, it never fails]

(quickly) "Yeah, yeah ... I know. Not all Texans like George Bush though. And he's not technically from there. I mean, he wasn't born there."

(incredulous) "He is not Texan?"

"Well, it's, uh ... well yeah, he's Texan. Pretty much. But you know, people don't really like him any more. He's on his way out of office."

(uncomfortable pause)

(trying to be polite) "So, where are you from?"

"Afghanistan."

Shit. Awkward.

(stammering) "Oh, well, er- of course you are..."

(really long uncomfortable pause)

"I'm from the anti-American part." (oh, Jesus) "Well, not anti-American, just anti-Bush." (whew)

"Well I don't blame people for not liking the guy who bombed your country."

(really, really awkward pause. In fact, I probably could have done well keeping that last bit to myself)

"But ... umm ... I mean, we're just starting the process for getting a new president. So he'll be gone soon."

"Do you think Hillary Clinton will win?"

I have to admit, I was a bit surprised. I wouldn't assume that an Afghan cab driver in London would be clued in on the upcoming presidential race, much less know who the frontrunner is. We went on to have a short conversation on politics and the campaign that would probably rival any one might have with the average American. For a brief moment, everything was less strained.

He talked about his kids. One is seven and one is ten. He could have brought them to live in the UK sooner, but he wanted them to grow up in Afghanistan so they would remember their culture and where they came from. That struck me as particularly important. In just a few sentences I got a picture of how serious culture and national identity are where he's from.

We were soon at our destination, fortunately, and my thoughts quickly turned towards getting the hell out of the car.

"So, thanks a lot for everything. I think I was quoted £23 on the telepho...."

"Yes, but you had many bags."

(quickly) "I don't mind giving you £30."

"That is fine. Are you happy my friend?"

(no) "Yeah, I'm happy. Take it easy."

"Goodbye my friend."

Like that, he was off. It was good to meet you mister Afghan taxi driver, wherever you are.

Realization: Apologizing for your president sucks.
Lesson: Don't sit in the front seat of a cab. Ever.

Super Bowl Predictions from the Johnny U.

2007-02-02T20:32:00.000-06:00

The Johnny Utah Symposium is proud to present the predictions from some of our correspondents. Feel free to give your predictions in the comment section.

(Other Johnny correspondents please fill in this post with your pix before Sunday.)

Derek
"I really want the Colts to win but I think the Bears are gonna control the clock and take it home. None of it will matter after a player dies on the field in the third quarter. Grim."
CHICAGO: 24 Indianapolis: 13

Andrew
"Vinatieri wins it with his foot, but Peyton makes one play good enough for the win: a TD to Dallas Clark. Urlacher will injure at least one Colt."
INDIANAPOLIS: 16 Chicago: 12

Vincent Gallo
"Eat shit. And die."
CHICAGO: 1 Indianapolis: 0

Bad Poetry Guy
"Four quarters are a dollar so holler for football!"
-No score provided-

Big Pooga (Willy)
"Peyton Manning will throw nine interceptions. Afterwards he will be known as Peyton BOYning. Not that any of it matters."
CHICAGO: 73 Indianapolis: 0

Whipmaster Charlie
"YIEE! The Sex Cannon hisself, mister Sexy Rexy, will win the day folks! You heard it here first! And my boy Adam will whip up some serious kickage in a losin' effort! CHA!"
CHICAGO: 49 Indianapolis: 15

It should be a good one.

Politico

2007-02-01T20:24:00.000-06:00

Corruption is what keeps us safe and warm.

There is something so wrong with this.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

2007-02-01T00:03:00.000-06:00

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the semi-occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today I want to talk about what appears to be a new epidemic in the world of stupidity. Specifically the world of stupid ways to off yourself. I'm talking about this. Stowing away in the wheel well of planes in an attempt at a free ride. In the past month two dudes have been found dead in the wheel wells of planes after they attempted to stow away and suffocated to death next to the landing gear.

What kind of shit has to be going on in your life for this to seem like a viable option. It must be bad news on the home front for you to say to yourself,

"I need to get out of here...but I don't have any money...well I guess I could just stowaway on that British Airways flight to Los Angeles...yeah...that'd work...but how can i do it?...I could poke some holes in a box and ship myself...nah...that's so, like, four years ago...no, it's gotta be something fresh...I got it!...I'll crawl into the wheel well while all of the (supposedly) dozens of security and airport personnel have their backs turned...yes!...then I'll cool out next to the landing gear for like a few hours until I hear the plane landing...then when the wheel well opens up again i'll, like, jump out...yeah...fuck yeah...i'm sure there is air in there...and maybe I can snag some food...it may seem crazy but I love airplane food...I just love the portions...they're so right for me...yeah...this is a great idea...".

And how are these dudes getting down onto the tarmacs of our world's totally secure airports and then, and this is even more frightening, actually getting inside the planes. What would happen if one of these stowaways was fat or something and they affected the landing gear? Of course that's silly because everyone knows that stowing away is a skinny man's game but you never know.

Also...and forgive me but I'm just throwing out these queries as they come to me here...but also, if these stupid stowaway corpses are crawling into the wheel well in like Barcelona or something (they always have a lot of trouble determining when and where the person came on board since the planes literally go all over the world in a given day) do they just flop out after a certain amount of time? When a pilot is landing and he lowers the landing gear does a body just plop out from time to time? That would be quite ghoulish.

The stupidity of this whole thing just baffles me.

Have their been successful stowaways using this method?

What happened to the old poke a few holes in a box and ship yourself trick? Where did it go?

The stowaway world has gone to the stupid and it's a real shame.

I apologize for the unfunniness of this post, but the strength of my feelings about this issue supplant all attempts at humor.
-Derek

Nels' News

2007-01-31T09:59:00.000-06:00

Hey there people. I'm back with an update. I just wanted to tell you that all Italians are dirty and greasy. OK!

Wop bop a-dago a-wop bop bip,
Nels St. Claire

Godammit.

2007-01-31T07:35:00.000-06:00

You know what I don't like? Bloggers blogging about blogging. It's sort of ... pointless. Not really adding a lot of insight, are you, going on and on about your "job" in this new "industry" you have?

I realize, of course, this means I'm blogging about bloggers who blog about blogging. I'm now going to wrap this up. While my brain explodes. Whenever you see me next, and I'm not acting right and I have this glazed look in my eyes like there's something terribly wrong (brain explosion), remember it's because I decided to post this today.

God, I hate everyone...

Why can't these online journals be more like the Johnny?

DEREK 360: !QUIK HITZ!

2007-01-28T23:06:00.000-06:00

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

This is the most horrifying news story I've read in a long time. This is actually (and I know it seems impossible) more frightening than the whole fish rebellion/bird flu pandemic bit. This story is the proof that true evil exists. Plus, the casual tone that it is presented with adds to my fears. If we can't get freaked out by large, alien-looking, eelish, prehistoric, H.R. Giger inspired creatures that look like something a special effects house would create for a movie about hardcore alien-animal-monster-things eating scuba divers then we won't get freaked out by anything. We, as a culture, are completely desensitized to true evil. We're too busy trying to spot terrorists or other more common enemies. We need to open our eyes though and start looking around for monsters and draculas and werewolves. If shit this nasty is just a couple thousand feet under the water who knows what kind of awesomely horrible stuff is lurking inside THE CENTER OF THE MOTHER-FUCKING EARTH!!! WHATTTTTT!!!

I'll never sleep again.

2. TWO. DOS.

This is some blog appropriate news. This is also one of the best ideas the stage world has had in a long time.

3. THREE. TRES.

Clint Eastwood is an overrated asshole.

Oh baby,
Derek

Life. Truly.

2007-01-26T01:16:00.001-06:00

Willy Watch: Update

2007-01-23T08:16:00.000-06:00

Not to get in the way of Derek's Music Noose post, but I had to bring this to your attention.

Willy strikes again, this time down under. Eric is one of the lucky ones. Again, we must reiterate to you, no water-related activities. Please people, this is a serious issue. Jesus...

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
Dear lord... what is this? Many thanks to the Johnny's Japanese contingent for capturing the beast and killing it. Keep fishing, indeed.

DEREK 360: MUSIC NOOSE!

2007-01-22T23:07:00.000-06:00

HEY!

The Johnny is one year old. We still don't have any teeth but we're starting to put sounds together. We can lift ourselves up and stand next to furniture but we still can't walk on our own without completely biting it. We shit ourselves. A lot. We are babies. Babies who can type 48 WPM.

I want to take this time to thank Andrew for turning the pressure on for the coming terrible two's of Johnny-dom. His statements about how year two will be bigger and better than year one have both frightened and inspired the writers here at the Johnny. But, fear not. We will increase productivity by further slacking on the few minor quality control measures that were already in place. With that said...

MUSIC NOOSE!

Today is Monday January 22 (for like another 45 minutes or so). Tomorrow is Tuesday. Hott new musics come out on Tuesdays. What do we have to look forward to this week???

****Well there is this band called The Shins. They've got a new record coming out. It's called Wincing the Night Away. I don't know about all of you, but when I think about the word wincing I picture Jesse Ventura in Predator. He ain't got time to bleed but he does have time to wince. Wait. What? I told you guys, quality control is flushed.

The new Shins record is a hotly anticipated release in the "indie" rock realm. I listened to it back in October, when it was delivered by mail to everyone in the country for free (at least that's how it seemed...it was everywhere...they were airdropping it over Africa instead of food at some points). It's solid. If you're a Shins fan you'll like it. Zach Braff will probably write about it in his blog and then buy the rights to it in a Michael Jackson buys all the rights to Beatles songs manner and use the songs to soundtrack every one of his scenes on Scrubs. No QC.

****Some dude named Pretty Ricky has a new album coming out. I listened to some of it on AOL. It sounds sexy as hell. The first line of the first song has Mr. Ricky proclaiming "DOES ANYBODY WANNA COME HOME WITH PRETTY RICKY TONIGHT???" Just crooning the shit out of it. Unfortunately for Rick, no one wants to come home with him. Why? Oh because we're all still hanging out with Sisqo back in the year 2000 when he did the exact same fucking thing.

****Of Montreal have a new record coming out. I haven't heard any of this record. I really don't know anything on this one. Starting your band's name with "of" is a bold move. Bold.

Speaking of bold.

****The top music release of the last half decade is coming out tomorrow. It's coming straight from a man who is as bold as the trucks in Texas and as rich as the soil at the bottom of the Mississippi. From the East coast to the West coast. From the Dixie highway back home (I think those are the words). That's right folks. Finally, after months and months of hype...

...the Cougar returneth.

John Mellencamp, Mr. "Our Country" himself, releases his new one tomorrow and on it (track seven) is the epic anthem of patriotism and awesomeness, "Our Country". Some of you may have heard "Our Country" when it was played during every commercial break of every show during every hour of tv on every network (with double playings during every sporting event). A lot of Chevy trucks have been hocked using the always reliable power of patriotism to help sweeten the deal for the buyer. This album also has a song called "Ghost Towns Along the Highway" which had better be 100% literal. There's no point in discussing this any further. "Our Country" is the new "Star Spangled Banner" and that's that. What the fuck is a spangle anyway.

"Oh say can you seeeeeeeeeeeee,
That this is Our Country!!"

I hate this shit. Fuck you John Mellencamp.

That's the QC free music noose. I'll do better next time.
-Derek

"Real" Blogs Rip Us Off.

2007-01-22T06:21:00.000-06:00

Uh... Let's hearken back to March 2006. You may or may not remember a piece I penned entitled Brain or No Brain. It was more or less a short rant describing why Deal or No Deal sucks a lot of ass. A worthless show, through and through. I haven't seen it in a while, but I'm sure it's still just as bad. Please correct me if it unexpectedly became both enlightening and entertaining.

Now, let me direct your attention towards this post (it's from a blog called Defective Yeti, which apparently people read) Note the striking resemblance.

Sorry dude, but this is old news. Seriously, it took you almost a year after this revelation was posted on the JUhS? Let's keep it fresh, blog writers of the world. I will give him props, however, for suggesting an alternative (as opposed to fruitless complaining, as I am known to do now and again). Double points for the alternative incorporating blunt trauma to the nads.

-Andrew (JUhS)

... and ... NOW

2007-01-19T04:30:00.000-06:00

Sym·po·si·um (sĭm-pō'zē-əm)

1. a collection of opinions expressed or articles contributed by several persons on a given subject or topic.
2. a meeting or conference for the discussion of some subject, esp. a meeting at which several speakers talk on or discuss a topic before an audience.
3. (in ancient Greece and Rome) a convivial meeting, usually following a dinner, for drinking and intellectual conversation.

Today is the Nineteenth of January in the year Two-Thousand and Seven.

The organization we now know as The Johnny Utah Symposium is one year old. This is the Johnny U's first anniversary. 365 days have passed since the JUhS was created. The revolution machine we call the Earth has completed its solar circumnavigation one whole time since our humble Symposium began.

Quite a feat, but make no mistake! This is only the beginning.

First, a recap is in order. This is by no means an exhaustive list. One can only attempt to describe what wonders have gone down in the past year.

Bad Poetry Guy wrote us several captivating (and, dare we say, good) poems

A certain V. Gallo taught us many fucking things

The partial history of Yousef the Sun God and The Radical Tad was transcribed

Flaunt-it Flaunt-it Gary helped us appreciate some of the finer things in life

We were treated to stunning sights, as seen through Andy's aperture

Derek pontificated on all 360 degrees of existence

Whipmaster Charlie began his quest to change the world, one skin lesion at a time

Michael ranted on multiple subjects, but mostly treated us to a inside look at La-La Land. We don't hate him for it

Andrew traveled the globe, spreading the Johnny goodness like it was appleseed

The JUBL was founded

Various movies, albums, books, YouTube clips and orchestral movements were reviewed

(Inter)National Dig Day was founded

Fidel Castro entrusted to us his last will and testament

The Diabolical Fish Mastermind Formerly Known as Big Pooga (aka Willy) killed many humans, including the inimitable Steve Irwin - but his plot was discovered by the JUhS

A little tiny baby's face was made very, very famous

The blog died

The blog was resurrected

Salazar Scuttle and Nels St. Claire assisted in many endeavors

Our Sister Blog was founded. True. Amazing. True and Amazing.

Sweaty Frank Viola sweated

Chris Penn died

Wilbur Burris smiled, and all was right in the world

It's been an active first year. Establishing and executing an international blog of such distinction isn't easy. Much has been done, but there is much still left to do. We can say, without an ounce of hyperbole, that the second year will be even better than the first. A tall order, yes, but one that the brothers of JUhS will undertake with fervor.

A hearty "thank you" to each of our readers. Without you, our Symposium would have even less meaning than it already does. We hope you'll continue the journey with us into Year Two. Many exciting events are in store. We're confident you won't be disappointed.

With Hot Love and Admiration,
The Johnny Utah Symposium

Wait for it...

2007-01-18T04:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers:

Tomorrow is a monumental day in the life
of our beloved Johnny U.

Consider yourself notified.

Much Love,

The Information Station

Fish Rebellion: The Report.

2007-01-14T15:15:00.000-06:00

"2007 will bring about the end of days": A really long and terrifying report by Derek.

It's been a long time my friends. I've phoned in a few stock posts on silly little nothings while all the time I have been gathering vital intel for this post. This is the big one. This is the report that will open your eyes and encourage you to either take action...or die.

Let's first go back to the past to anticipate the future.

2006 was a grand year. Everyone had a great time buying stuff and laughing and having casual sex with models and things of that variety. However, all the while, certain areas of the Earth were experiencing changes. Fish were becoming unruly. They were killing people.

There was Ian Card, in Bermuda, who got run through by a blue marlin. Mr. Card, being a hoss of ridiculous durability, did not die.

There was that dude in Florida who got slapped by a sturgeon while water skiiing and nearly died.

There was the tragic story of Steve Irwin, who was done in by a stingray in an aquatic accident that experts said was "one in a million".

There was a second ray attack a few weeks later that, conveniently, got very little media attention.

There was the still unsolved case of the Russian man who was killed by some sort of radiation poisoning that may have been caused by him eating some faulty sushi. The poison sushi is the Kamikaze pilot of the rebellious fish world.

On top of those there were the literally thousands of cases of fish attacks, some minor and some extreme, that the government covered up and erased from the public consciousness.

Throughout all of this there has been a central figure. A fish that can talk. A fish known to me only as Big Pooga. A fish that was so bold as to give me numerous audiences throughout the course of the last six months and in these audiences tell me point by point how the fish of the world, a species that outnumbers human beings by a ridiculous margin, were going to rise up and kill all of human kind. He outlined the fish rebellion that started out as a semi-funny story that I presented in gest and has now turned into something that is so much larger than anyone could ever anticipate...or prepare for.

In my final audience with Pooga, in the middle of December, he outlined in detail how the fish would destroy human kind in 2007 and bring about the "end of days". He warned me against posting his words and plans on my "silly little human blog" but I feel like withholding information of this magnitude would be monumentally irresponsbile. So here is an excerpt from my last conversation, with some background notes thrown in.

Q: So Pooga, you've called me back to the water. What is it this time?
A: I want to tell you something Derek. I want to tell you that you don't have much time. You should probably go out and buy some stuff and laugh and fuck some supermodels. I like you Derek, I always have. And while I won't hesitate to kill you along with the rest I want you to enjoy these last few months to their fullest. And my name is not Pooga, it's Willy.

Q: I've been making trips to see you for the past few months and it's always been this doom and gloom line of shit. What are you planning?
*Let it be noted that after I asked this Pooga's eyes appeared to flash red. It's an image that shook me to my very core.
A: In the coming months there will be a number of strange things that will happen. Some will be a part of the plan and some will be acts of diversion. All are calculated measures in the rebellion.

Q: Give me examples.
A: Birds will start dying, just falling out of the sky. Strange smells will start showing up in major cities and no one will be able to explain them. Food will start turning on people by making them sick and ultimately killing them. Fish will continue to attack people. Entire bodies of water will turn to poison. The climate of the Earth will shift and a change in power will finally occur. 2007 will bring about the end of days.

*In recent weeks there have been two cases of mysterious dead birds. First in Austin, Texas a large group of dead birds were discovered. The cause of their death is still undetermined. Then a few days later thousands of birds started falling from the sky in an Australian town. The cause of their death is also unknown. Also, the highly publicized case of the stink in New York City also slots into Pooga's statements.

Pooga and I spoke a while longer on other issues. From the context clues of some of the other things he said I have deduced the fish rebellion plan.

First they are getting together, and in strategically selected areas of the water, organizing ritual fish suicides. The power of thousands of dead fish in one area of the water apparently has the ability to do several different things, depending on the amount and species of the dead fish involved. Certain combinations of dead fish can actually send a geyser of posion gas to the surface area that is strong enough to kill smaller creatures (like birds) but only present itself as a disgusting nuisance to humans (NYC). These posion gas geysers mix into the atmosphere at a certain altitude and stay there. The lasting power of this poison fish gas means that after enough fish suicides there will be enough dead fish toxin in the atmosphere to down all of the birds in the world. From here the inability of any of the world's governments to properly dispose of the bird carcasses will lead to outbreaks of the avian flu. The avian flu will spread through the world fast and kill most everyone in a pandemic fashion. Those that survive will die a slower death due to the fact that so many of the birds that are falling to their deaths are falling into bodies of water, and then contaminating this water. After a time all the Earths water will be contaminated with bird flu and fish toxin and the people that are left will have to survive without any water, which is impossible. The only source of new water, the rain, will also be affected by all of the animal toxins in the atmosphere and the rain will not be suitable to drink after a small amount of time. Resiliant humans may be able to live for a while but the vast majority of the human race will be dead.

2007 will bring about the end of days.

Unless...

CALL TO ACTION!

Unless we go out now and start catching fish. All of the fish. We need to stop doing whatever it is we are doing. Stop working a normal job or managing a family and get to the world saving work of fishing. If we can catch all, or at least most, of the fish in the worlds bodies of water in the next few months and dispose of them properly we may be able to stop this fish rebellion once and for all. It is in our hands.

Pooga may send a fish assassin to kill me for writing this but I felt my duty to the human race was stronger than my safety.

It is in our hands.
-Derek

Weird.

2007-01-10T11:31:00.000-06:00

As some of you may or may not know, I live relatively close to (two blocks from) Abbey Road Studios in Northwest London. You know the place.

It's commonly known as a pilgrimmage site for Beatles fanatics throughout the world. Countless fans write endearing graffiti on the white wall directly in front of the studio (seen in the above picture on the left, behind the VW). Imagine my surprise when, walking to work one morning this week, I glanced upon the following inscription:

Amazing. Nevermind the fact that it's actually true (how did he/she know?!). There are two possible explanations.

1) Our organization has grown at an alarming pace, unforseen even by us. We can also surmise that this includes an astonishing international contingent. Wilbur Burris, it seems, was adept at spreading his seed.

2) This is all an elaborate hoax, masterminded by none other than Big Pooga himself. I will leave it to Derek (JUhS), fish killer and self-proclaimed Big Pooga nemesis, to confirm or disconfirm this suspicion. We do know he's recently been operating in the London area...

A startling discovery indeed. Further exploration will be needed to more fully flesh out this story. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.

Take care,
Andrew (JUhS)

Thanks, Nic!

2007-01-09T20:05:00.000-06:00

Here's the thing. I love Nicolas Cage. He's a fantastic actor. Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, Raisiing Arizona, Lord of War, The Weather Man, most of Face/Off, even The Rock all showcase his talents as a quirky likeable leading man.

On the flip side then, there's Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Windtalkers, and the rest of Face/Off putting credence to the theory he's an overacting fuckbeetle. Feburary's craptacular Ghost Rider won't be helping my argument any.

Last year, Mr. Cage stared in a remake of THE WICKER MAN. Apparantly, it's bad. I had no idea how bad until this montage of clips found it's way on the internet. Thank you, Random Editor, for this here goldmine. And thank you, Devin Fareci over at Chud.com for showing this to the world.

Enjoy.

Not the bees,
Mike

2006.

2007-01-04T23:26:00.000-06:00

Here it is my brothers and sisters. The obligatory year end "Derek ranks shit based only on his opinions and previously existing biases, he is by no means an expert who saw every movie or heard every song from every album this year but he thinks he's just important enough to warrant him writing all of his opinions on a year in major media down in the blog he contributes to on a not-so-regular basis" list. I'm gonna throw in some pictures to keep it interesting. Let me know your thoughts on my thoughts.

MUZICKS OF 2006!
-The top 10 albums released in 2006-

10. Everything All The Time
Band of Horses

09. God And The Devil Are Raging Inside Me
Brand New

08. Show Your Bones
Yeah Yeah Yeahs

07. Let's Get Out Of This Country
Camera Obscura

06. Mr. Beast
Mogwai

05. Begin To Hope
Regina Spektor

04. Young Machetes
Blood Brothers

03. Paper Television
The Blow

02. The Greatest
Cat Power

01. Bring It Back
Mates Of State

MOVEESZ OF 2006!
-The top 10 films released in 2006-

10. Thank You For Smoking
09. The Fountain
08. The Prestige
07. Borat
06. Nacho Libre
05. The Science of Sleep
04. The Descent
03. V for Vendetta
02. Children of Men
01. The Departed

PURE SHIT OF 2006!
-The worst stuff that came out in 2006-

WORST ALBUM
9 Crimes by Damien Rice

WORST MOVIE
X-Men 3: The Last Bland

BAND THAT HAS TAKEN OVER FOR CREED AS THE WORST BAND IN A CREEDLESS WORLD
30 Seconds to Mars

All in all I liked 2006 a lot. Good and merry tidings to you all.
-Derek

"The dolphins in my bloodstream..."

2007-01-03T22:05:00.001-06:00

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

2006-12-24T23:51:00.000-06:00

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

From the Johnny Utah Symposium to you...

Beginning today, 'TWAS the season. Remember that. Have a wonderful day friends and readers!

(There's a present in my diapers!)

A Very Johnny Reunion

2006-12-21T09:42:00.000-06:00

JUhSians,

Today marks a momentous occasion in the history of the Johnny Utah Symposium. For the first time in many months the moons & stars will align.

(aligned)

All four founding members of the Johnny U (McKinney chapter) will gather together in the same venue this very evening. We predict either the Earth's violent demise in a fiery explosion, or the immediate onset of world peace. One or the other.

While world peace is the more noble outcome, we, frankly, are indifferent. This is because the Johnny has been made the beneficiary of many small space traveling modules, commissioned by none other than Richard Branson himself.

Thanks dude.

The ships are specially designed to power off of Wilbur Burris' mind-rays. We'll feast in space on the dried meat of young Turkish boars. A 360 year supply. Water will be squeezed from the juice of passing comet tails caught in our net, a la the Little Prince.

We'll learn the secrets of space, traveling through suns with our ultra heat absorbent fuselage and navigating black holes with the help of Stephen Hawking's Voice Box (JUhS). He won't be needing it anymore. And if you've by some miracle managed to survive the explosions, the Johnny will return to Earth to rule you with a brass-knuckled (but fair) fist. And, if you're nice we'll share our several secrets of the universe. (Note: stockpiling virgin maidens will speed up the process)

So, in conclusion, be careful on the roads tonight. If you have the unlikely opportunity to acquire some sort of space travel device, do so by all means. Because honestly, which do you think is the more likely outcome? But you'll have a tough time making it past our laser cannons. Fair warning.

Best Wishes,
The Johnny U

-UPDATE-

Alright, well ... the Earth narrowly averted fiery disaster, and that bagadouche Branson never actually delivered the spaceships. But they're supposedly arriving next week. Honestly people, this whole explosion thing could happen at any moment, so be careful.

A Brief Irritant, A Theory, and English Breakfasts

2006-12-08T06:50:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone. Happy ~~consumer~~ holiday season to you. It's me, your least frequent JUhS poster. I have three quick subjects to bring to your attention:

-One-

Umm... look. I feel bad for James Kim and all. I'm sure he was an awesome husband and father. But seriously folks, has it been a slow news week? Here's a shocker: "Coroner: Kim died of exposure, hypothermia."

Let me get this straight. He left the relative warmth and safety of his car (not to mention his family), walked ten miles through the freezing Oregon wilderness in nothing but normal street clothes, and froze to death as a result? ... Well no shit. I'm sorry, but did this surprise anyone? Why is this the top story on cnn.com? Everyone realizes there are - eh - larger issues going on in the world, right? Oh screw it... I can give you one right now.

-Two-

Ready? Here it is. Big Pooga's operation is larger and more sophisticated than we previously thought was possible. He possesses nuclear technology, is recruiting suicide assailants, and may very well be the underground ruler of everyone's favorite upstart nation, Russia. I realize this is quite a statement. Allow me to explain.

That's right. We're going there. You all know the late Mr. Litvinenko. He was killed by sushi laced with the lethal radioactive material polonium 210.* The mainstream media would have you believe the powers-that-be in Moscow wanted Litvinenko, a critic of Putin's administration, killed. Likely, and easy for an average person to accept, but untrue.

I pose the following argument: It was Big Pooga, not Putin, who poisoned Litvy. In the depths of the Baltic sea, BP recruited the most cold-blooded salmon and spicy tuna he could find, convinced them to ingest radioactive material before knowingly subjecting themselves to the sushi knife, and (inexplicably) ensured their delivery to the very Itsu at which Litvy was eating that fateful evening. "Impossible," you say. Not if BP is himself the leader of Russia. The man (or in this case, fish) behind the curtain, if you will. Putin is obviously his puppet, the instrument whereby he will enact his scheme for the destruction of humanity. BP has furthered his operation from rural lakes in the southern US to the former Soviet Union at an alacritous pace. Before long he'll have Russia up and running again, gaining steam. Next thing you know, they'll be united with China. And once the PLA is involved, well, it's all over but the crying.

This should be worrying you, people. Not James Kim's exact location and body temperature when he died. I wouldn't be surprised if BP controls the mainstream media by now. Has Ted Turner made any trips to Russia lately? (Salazar, can you look into this please?) In the meantime, I highly suggest that everyone keep away from sushi. Just to be safe. And no watersports.

-Three-

In complete and utter digression, English food sucks. This is what I ate for breakfast this morning:

Disgusting (but seafood-free).

It's a permanent revolution folks,
Andrew (JUhS)

*statement may or may not be true

Let's not get it twisted.

2006-11-26T22:08:00.000-06:00

Hello.

This is Sacha Baron-Cohen.

He is the star of the new hit film, Borat. He is also the actor behind the Ali G character. He is hot shit.
----------
This is Sasha Cohen.

She is an Olympian. She took silver in Torino. She is 5'2".
----------
This is Sasha Mitchell.

He starred in Kickboxer 2 and was an important part of the sitcom, Step by Step's success in the mid-90s. He's probably an asshole.
----------
Thank you,
Derek

THE JOHNNY GIVES YOU STUFF!

2006-11-22T14:18:00.000-06:00

The Johnny Utah Symposium gives you stuff.

For example, today the Johnny is giving you the opportunity to copy and paste this sweet (and historically accurate) image, and use it to supplant that picture of your spouse's genitals that you've currently got as your wallpaper. Click it to make it big. The image. Not the genitals. Awkward.

Next time we may give you herpes. We'll see.

This blog is dying.

2006-11-15T23:07:00.000-06:00

This blog is dying.

2006-11-12T16:34:00.000-06:00

A JUhS Holiday

2006-11-03T15:33:00.000-06:00

Today, the JUhS celebrates the 24th birthday of one of our founding dads: DEREK!!!

That's right, roughly 24 years and 9 months ago, Hot Janet and Magic Don finished up with some humping and 9 months later...voila...one Derek jumps out of Janet like a stripper from a giant-ass stripper cake....complete with sexy dance and g-string.

Today is truly a day of greatness as you, Derek, share your day of exploding onto the scene of the earth with:

1.) John Montague 1718 - Supposedly Invented the Sandwich

2.) Stephen Fuller Austin 1793 - Founding Dad of The Texas.

3.) Bronko Nagurski 1908 - Fullback for the Chicago Bears (making him Derek's favorite footballer of all time)

4.) Bob Feller 1918 - Pimp-ass Pitcher

5.) Charles Bronson 1922 - Badass Actor Who Set the Bar Really High for November 3 Births

6.) Larry Holmes 1949 - Boxer

7.) Roseanne Barr (Arnold) 1952 - Not Completely Worthless, Funny At Times Actress

8.) Dennis Miller 1953 - Overrated Dude

9.) Adam Ant 1954 - One of Andy's (JUhS) Default Band/Singers

10.) Phil Simms 1955 - Quarterback, Spare Commentator, Loins Exploded Out Chris

11.) Karch Kiraly 1961 - Pimpass Volleyball Player, One of Andy's (JUhS) Favorite Default Obscure Athletes

and finally,

12.) DOLPH "I'M DOLPH LUNDGREN" LUNDGREN! 1959 - Swedish Born Actor Whose Credits Include: "Masters of the Universe" (WHAT IT IS?!), the original "The Punisher", "Showdown in Little Tokyo", "Universal Soldier", many other spare-ass B-films...BUT...Most Known for His Role as Captain Ivan Drago, the Much Feared Nemesis of Rocky in "Rocky IV".

Today is a day of greatness, INDEED!

So, today, Drocolate, we celebrate your birth with baskets of buttery shrimp and numerous rounds of rums and delicious Coca-Cola brand cola. So let's party til we cry and puke and repeat!

Happy Birthday, Derek!

For Your Consideration...

2006-10-24T02:52:00.000-05:00

Juhsoldiers,

In light of the recent uptrend in global stingray attacks per capita, coupled with the attention gravitating towards the southern African nation of Namibia (due mostly to the Pitt-Jolie offspring -- aka Genesis -- and Snipes' tax evasion, or "filming"), I have reached a startling conclusion. I suggest to all of you that I have, through induction, found where Big Pooga resides; the very location of his headquarters for world domination.

We need look no farther than Namibia itself. I present to you the following exhibits:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

There you have it. Namibia is clearly shaped like a stingray, Big Pooga's assassin of choice. Coincidence? I think not.

What does this confounding revelation tell us? What should our next course of action be? I don't have the answer folks. But as our good friends in Metallica tell us, "fight fire with fire." And the only way I know to fight the whip of a stingray tail is with the whip of, well ... a whip. You all know what this means.

I beseech you ... help us Whipmaster Charlie. You're our only hope.

Stay the course,
Andrew (juhs)

DEREK 360: Let's take a trip!

2006-10-23T23:37:00.000-05:00

Hello friends!

Come along with me to a magical place. A place where luxury is an understatement. A place where ostentatious is the norm and everything reeks of cleanliness and money. A place where there are a billion rainbows and each has a pot of gold that is filled with gold. A place that reeks of gold. A place that is fucking incredible. And awesome. A place where black limos patrol the streets just begging to take opulent citzens from gala to gala.

LET'S FLY AWAY TO SNIPES LAND!!!

All the luxury 12 million in stolen government money can buy!!
(Note the sweet "Snipes Land" marquee Wesley had installed. It is 3 miles in length. The "Land" part has been slowly falling down Mt. Blade II for the past few months due to massive tectonic activity around Jungle Fever Cove.)

Slowly Reloading,
Derek

FYI

2006-10-23T19:08:00.000-05:00

Sean Penn is the shittiest actor in the world, and anyone who thinks different gets to die of cancer.

-Tits Drexler

BREAKING NEWS

2006-10-22T22:05:00.000-05:00

Attention All:

The currency in Vietnam is called a "dong". One dollar will get you 16,000 dongs.

That is all.

Warmest Regards,
Andrew (juhs)

GRINDHOUSE!

2006-10-13T03:51:00.000-05:00

Briefly reporting in,
Mike

Let's watch movies: The Departed

2006-10-09T22:32:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about The Departed. Actually, that is not entirely accurate. I am going to gush about how awesome The Departed was. I would like to believe that I am a movie "buff" (whatever the hell that term means). I go to the movies on a semi-regular basis and my knowledge of movie crap is marginally impressive. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to believe me when I announce that The Departed is the best movie of 2006 (thus far).

Martin Scorsese has crafted another movie in the same mold as his previous best. Goodfellas, Taxi Driver and even Casino share the same style. Gritty, layered, powerful cinema that just feels cool in every way. The Departed brings Marty back to this same style after his good and bad historical dalliances of the past half decade. He's back on the streets and it's fucking awesome.

The Departed follows the trials and tribulations of two cops in Boston. One is a high ranking officer (Matt Damon) who is a rat for a crime lord (Jack Nicholson). The other is an undercover cop (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is in with said crime lord ratting to the cops. The movie blazes at a quick pace as the two rats jockey for position in an attempt to benefit their respective sides. People get shot, punched, beaten up with coat racks, and thrown off of buildings. Everyone swears. A lot. Nicholson even breaks out a dildo in a porno movie theatre at one point. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg is in there too stealing every scene he's in with his "holy shit this guys is SUCH an asshole" attitude. Alec Baldwin is also in top form.

I warned you above. Forgive my gushing.

This was a movie that plastered a big stupid smile on my face and left it there for like 150 minutes. Everytime someone would get punched or say something menacing this little jar labeled the "jar of cool" would just get more and more full in my mind, until by the end of the movie I was walking to my car feeling really awesome. I think the jar overfilled and made me believe that the movie theatre parking lot was quite a bit more awesome then it actually was. Point is, the movie is really, really good. And cool. And awesome. Gushing. Pros and Cons.

+PROS+
+There were like 4 or 5 different times in this thing when one cop punched another cop in the face in the middle of the police station. Realistic? Doubtful. Awesome? Oh yeah.
+Wahlberg really tore it up.
+All the performances were top notch.
+The whole movie was kind of a pro.

-CONS-
-The dude next to me eating ice during the movie. Not cool fat man.

I know this wasn't funny and I don't care. Go see The Departed.

I give this film a 9.12332 out of 10
-Derek

Happy Columbus Day!

2006-10-09T00:08:00.000-05:00

Go out and rent Nine Months, Stepmom, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Mrs. Doubtfire AND Adventures in Babysitting. Actually, get Stepmom off that list and add Bicentennial Man. You guys remember that one? It's where Robin Williams (in sober mode) played a robot and, well, I've never seen it, but i think he wants some feelings or something. Actually that's A.I., which isn't a Columbus gem. Shit. I'm missing the point here. It's Columbus Day and we need to celebrate the man and his accomplishments.

Obvious Joke Master,
Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to flirt online

2006-09-25T23:28:00.000-05:00

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to encourage everyone to read the article that Mr. Gallo is plagiarizing. It can be found here. It really sucks.

That's right you fuckin' bastards. I'm back. Back from the fucking dead. I was submitting articles to this shitty blog for the last like two months but Derek, that fucking hack, wasn't posting them. Maybe one of these days he'll release them as the "Lost Gallo Articles" or some other commercialized bullshit thing. I hate that guy. I hate this blog. I hate skiing. I hate-

Oh wait...you guys want to know how to flirt online. Fine. Here's some tips.

1. Humor is your ally.
Basically what this means is that if you're funny you'll get fucking laid. If you're not funny you can go ahead and service yourself for the millionth time. If you're not funny you may as well go ahead and swallow some fucking bullets, because you're never gonna get fucking laid. Unless you're rich. Or a rapist. Next tip.

2. Keep it simple.
Don't talk a bunch of shit about how you know every fucking character in the whole goddamn Star Wars universe. Don't brag about how you can do some ghoulish shit like stapling your dick to your stomach. No one cares about the fact that you're a fuckin' freak. Tip one tells you that people just want you to be funny. Not interesting. Fucking funny.

3. Hand out compliments.
Examples:
"Hey bitch, you look unfat in your picture."
"You look so good that I actually don't want to kill you."
"I want to fuck you."

You know, compliments. Use your fuckin' head.

Here's a little bonus for you shit kids. I'm gonna go ahead and list some questions that you pathetic, spineless mother-fuckers can use when your too chicken-shit to meet someone face to face and you want to simply email them until you get whatever fucked up jollies you can from a relationship as weak and pointless as that. Put a few of these in an email and let the object of your e-affections do the rest.

*Where did you get that fantastic smile?
*What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
*Have you seen Buffalo '66? You should. It's great.
*How long have you played guitar?
*Why are you so fucking ugly?
*What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
*Do you fuck in the ass?

With the fuckin' tips I've laid out for you shitty, fucking, fat-fuck, mother-fuckers you should be able to score some Internet sex in no time. Cyber sex? That's what it's called right? This shit is disgusting.

-Vincent Gallo

!QUIK HITZ!

2006-09-21T22:41:00.000-05:00

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

According to CBS, and more specifically the CBS show CSI: Miami, Brazil is the sexiest place on Earth. For a few weeks now CBS has been heavily hyping the Brazilian season premiere of the most intense member of the CSI family. The show is going to feature Caruso and the gang jet-setting down to Brazil (or as CBS has taught me to think of it: Sexyland) to solve some murder using gross jump-cuts and awesome dialogue. Caruso will probably also threaten someone.

What CSI: Sexyland needs to figure out is why all of these FUCKING HAWKS are attacking people. That is not sexy. Running from place to place having to flail your arms so that your eyes are not pecked out of your skull is not sexy. Not sexy. Sexy.

CBS needs to rent City of God.

2. TWO. DOS.

Banksy.

Banksy is a British artist who spends his time painting stuff (streets, buildings, canvases, elephants). He paints stuff legally and he paints stuff illegally. He sells paintings to Brad Pitt. Disneyland and Banksy do not see eye to eye. He dropped bogus copies of Paris Hilton's debut album into London boutiques. He loves stencils. He also loves to put his work up on the walls in famous museums. He REALLY loves doing that.

He is a total bad ass.

Go here. Take five. Enjoy.

3. THREE. TRES.

I don't really have a third one. All those links wore me out. Well, no, here's a little something. 300 will be coming out next year. Sparta. Fight. Die.

MUCH LOVE,
Derek

DEREK 360: The Odysseust

2006-09-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: This post is worthless AND pointless.

Last night I was flipping through the channels when I caught a few minutes of the total shitfest that is Troy. I happened upon a scene between Brad Pitt (in total phoning-it-in mode) and Seen Been. Seen Been was playing the always awesome role of Odysseus and it got me thinking.

Of the few men who have portrayed Odysseus in films throughout film history, who was the Odysseust?

1. Armand Assante - The Odyssey
(1997 TV mini-series)
Armand Assante is well regarded as a total bad ass. I mean, just look at the body of work here. He was in three of the best films of the past dozen years with his star turns in Judge Dredd, Two for the Money, and Striptease. He also played John Gotti in the appropriately titled TV movie Gotti. Oh, and he was also in one of those Christopher Columbus biopic's that came out in the early 90's. All of these totally awesome roles were just mere stepping stones to the role that Armand made his own. That would, of course, be the role of Odysseus.

But, was he the Odysseust?

He did get to do the whole Odyssey thing, which is awesome. He, however, did not have the same awesome psuedo-mullet-from-another-time hair that Seen Been had in Troy. He was good. He may have even been great.

2. Sean Bean - Troy
(2004 shitty movie)
Seen Been is an uber-pimp and everyone knows it. He's gotten his paws on a few of the great franchises of the past few years. He was one of the fellowship dudes in that whole Lord of the Rings thing. He did die in the first movie like a little bitch though. He was also Han Solo in the Star Wars movies. He wasn't the star of Troy but his presence (and the presence of his awesome hair) stole many a scene.

But, was he the Odysseust?

The fact that he was in Troy is definitely working against him. His credentials are strong though, and he played a more level-headed, less crazy Odysseus. He got to play the Illiad era Odysseus, who was a cyclopsless dude just coolin' in the ancient world. He's definitely in contention.

3. George Clooney - Oh Brother, Where Art Thou
(2000 movie)
George Clooney is a big star. He's got an Oscar on his mantle next to a certificate from People Magazine lauding him as the sexiest man alive back in like '98 or something. He also played Batman at some point back in the dark (yet light...and gay) days of the Batman franchise. He played Everett in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, which is an adaptation of The Odyssey. He had a lot of room to change up the role and experiment with the character.

But, was he the Odysseust?

He, technically, didn't even play the role of Odysseus. However, because there haven't been that many Odysseus' in semi-recent film history he's gonna get tossed in there. He's not a throw-away candidate though. He kicked cyclops ass. He made his way home. He did the whole thang and he did it well.

So who is the Odysseust?
The obvious answer here is Armand Assante. I, however, have got to deviate from the obvious and go with Seen Been. His confident, "I know I'm a bad ass" turn as a pre-Odyssey Odysseus helped bring the total crap fest that is Troy out of the shitty movie cellar (though it's still awful...don't get me wrong). He's also got some wicked-awesome (and historically accurate...I assume) hair. There may also be some influence from the fact that I haven't seen Armand Assante's The Odyssey since it first aired back in '97. Seen Been is fresh in my mind and sometimes freshness = Odysseust.

CONGRATULATIONS SEEN BEEN, YOU ARE THE ODYSSEUST!

Yikes,
Derek

Sympathy for the Sooner

2006-09-17T10:16:00.000-05:00

Fellow JUhSians,

Now, I hate the Sooners as much as any other Texas alumni. It's true. But you, my friends, were robbed. Robbed. Plain and simple. Now, I'm relying on extremely grainy ESPN motion video. And I didn't watch the full game. But seriously, those were some egregious errors.

If it makes you feel any better, Adrian Peterson is an absolute maniac. So you've got that going for you. And you'll probably beat us in Dallas. However, our quarterback beats yours in the "awesomeness of name" category, mustachioed or otherwise.

But that's besides the point. In conclusion, say it with me: fuck you ducks. Fuck you and your ugly ass uniforms, and the state you live in. No one likes you.

There, I bet you feel better.

Andrew (JUhS)

P.S. - I realize I'm not carrying my weight around the symposium. I'm working to rectify that. Really, I am.