My Plea

Please. Do not disparage my brother. Bobbo was greatness. And I have never laughed so much as when his lovely face was covered in his own snot after over-inflating an AIDS hand shield. I presented dear Howie with the idea of a case picking game show after getting a good bit of entertainment watching some of my friends poke and prod at some air-dropped aid in the field by my house. I thought: "What if one box was filled with several dollars and the other with a ferocious lion?" or "What if one box was filled with a considerable sum of money and the other was filled with a clown and rancid bass?" or "What if one box was filled with dubloons and the other was filled with the dust of John Candy?" Now that's must see tv! HAHA.

My brother's comedy and game show hosting abilities: The fucking awesome!

-N. Mandela

Brain or No Brain?

Has anyone seen this new show? I'd feel better if you hadn't, but apparently it's a craze that's sweeping the nation. The new hit NBC show is titled "Deal or No Deal" and it's hosted by none other than the incomparable Howie Mandel. What?! You thought his career was over? You thought nothing could top the pointlessness of "Bobby's World"? You thought America was through with the man known solely for blowing up, through his nose, a latex glove outstretched over his head?

You were completely fucking wrong. Because even the D-minus celebrities have nine lives. Why is everyone so god damn worried about global warming? Don't you realize we're recycling celebrities at an alarming rate? At this point, we won't have anyone left to entertain us by 2060, much less polar ice caps. And if I can't get my latest celebrity-reality show on VH1 when I'm 80 years old, dribbling on my sweater and urinating myself, then I don't fucking care if the entire coast line is submerged. Or if hurricanes pummel Illinois in February. Or if China replaces the United States as the dominant world power.

Do we even deserve to be the world power? Look at what entertains our collective nation. We'd rather watch a complete slut imbecile fuck 20 guys on the Real World: Key West, or Flava Flav spout catch phrases that went out in the 90's, or obsess over a group of coddled, useless youths who haven't served a legitimate purpose their entire lives as they prance around Laguna Beach. We'd rather watch a bald, washed-up comedian discuss for an entire hour, with honest, normal Americans, whether or not they should open cases handled by completely artificial, obviously fake-breasted models. THERE IS A SHOW ON PRIME-TIME TELEVISION WHERE THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS BASED ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD OPEN A CASE. Just ... let that sink in for a second. Has anyone else thought about this?

Who am I to tell people what to do with their lives? I am no different than all of you. I merely suggest: can't we do better? Is this how we want to spend our Monday evenings? We have nothing better to do? I have a timely and, I believe, apt analogy. We are UConn (or in a slightly more disgusting comparison, Duke); the rest of the world is George Mason. We are a perennial power, drunk on our own history and bred to believe the hype set before us. But there are others out there without the history and without the pedigree, working harder than we are to get ahead. And eventually, like in the tournament this year, it's going to catch up with us. Maybe not now, maybe not in 10 years, but sometime. Obviously, I didn't just make up this idea myself, but it's worth reiterating. Years before we were born, the international situation has been, more or less, as it is now. So we just assume that the world is "naturally" this way. I know I used to.

OK, I'm officially off my high horse. But that show really fucking pisses me off. It's a show about opening cases with numbers in them. And most of the time, since no one seems to understand basic statistics, they don't even make the correct decisions. Fuck. Don't watch this show. Besides, it's on at the same time as "How I Met Your Mother". You remember Doogie Howser, right?

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006"

DEREK 360: JUS on the streets

Last night fellow JUS-er Andy and myself went for a jaunt into Deep Ellum. Deep Ellum, for those who do not already know, is an area in the sprawling urban monster that is downtown Dallas, Texas. While we were down there the following interactions with Deep Ellumians took place:

INTERACTION #1
RANDOM DUDE: (Yells) Don't nobody worry now!
DEREK (JUS): ............
RANDOM DUDE: (Turns in Derek's direction) Cause I'm retired!*

*NOTE: He may have said "retarded" in place of "retired". It was difficult to understand him due to the fact that he had been having a really awesome night of being a street person and drinking a lot.

INTERACTION #2
RANDOM DUDE: (Having trouble walking, talking and doing anything) Eiee Ma? Ame I tuy fughged uh?
ANDY (JUS): Are you too fucked up? Uhmmm, yeah man. I'd say you are, and you really stink...
RANDOM DUDE: Whuddaya mehn maans, Ig ott diss.
ANDY (JUS): (Remembering that this dude is probably totally crazy)...but i bet you had a great time tonight.
RANDOM DUDE: Chi manhns, dems puyliees wount eden adfres maiyass
DEREK (JUS): The police won't even arrest your ass? I guess you have some work to do then bro.
RANDOM DUDE: mahns, ayem dafunkhun devall en eeh gunnas gadrder elall ma demon brethren an fuchs dist owun adwa.
DEREK (JUS): ...........

That's about it.

-Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


Well, well, well. It's that fuckin' time again you shitty fucks. I know you guys normally rely on me to give you guidance on everything from how to get a woman off to quilting but today I've got something a little different planned for you. I'm gonna throw some opinions at you. This is some shit you fucks can talk about at the water cooler or the fucking bullshit commercialized coffee bar. Go up to your shitty fat-fuck coworker pals and tell them all about what "Crazy Vinny" said on the J-Tah. If you call me Vinny though I'll take out my dick, shave my ass, and fuck you. Just so you know.

Let's talk about movies. I'm gonna talk about some upcoming releases and then give you guys my thoughts on them. I don't know what else to fuckin' say right here. On with the movies.

Stay Alive
The plot of this movie seems to be pretty clear. It's about a videogame that is fucking alive and killing all of the sad sack fucks who are playing it. The game is called "Stay Alive". This shit looks pathetic. In the TRAILER it shows a bunch of stupid assholes sitting in a room playing some game. I think I saw Franklin "Malcolm in my fuckin' Middle" Muniz in there. I did blow with that motherfucker in the bathroom at the Roxy like three years ago. He looked up at me and told me he was like 13 so I spat on him and ran. I have a firm hatred of that tiny motherfucker and anything he touches so on that criteria alone I'll be staying away from this fuckin' garbage. Another problem I have with this tripe is that Stephen Dorff is not involved in anyway. I didn't think you could make a shitty horror flick these days without at least getting Dorff's blessing. Fuck it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Basic Instinct 2
Oh shit. You mean to tell me that the fucked up sex crazed bitch from BI-1 is back and she's actually got the same shit going on? What are the fucking chances there? Fuck this bullshit. This is a prime example of movies and the whole worthless fuckin' industry just fucking itself to make money. I'm sure that fat-fuck Ebert will love this shit though. Put some non-simulated cock sucking in a movie (see The Brown Bunny ) and watch out. Get some realness in there and people are all up in fuckin' arms but bring out Sharon Stone's antique tittys and everyone's popping fuckin' boners. Whoa. I got a little flustered there. Sorry about that. I just hate Roger Ebert. Lots. I watched the TRAILER and I kept wondering in my mind "why they would fuckin' make this shit". This is why I'm focused on music now. Oh, and who the fuck is David Morrissey? Fuck this shit all day.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Oh fuck. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck? FUCK! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WHITE-TRASH FUCK? IS THIS SHIT FUNNY?

Watching the TRAILER for this movie made me want to buy a pony and train it to fuck the daughter that I don't claim but undoubtedly have. If I, while watching this trailer, had held the cure to all fo the world's woes I would have shat on that cure and said FUCK THE MISERABLE WORLD THAT WOULD YIELD THIS FUCKING SWILL.

Shit like this makes me wanna go back to killing.

Thumbs Down.
Less than None Stars.

My blood pressure is up. Stay away from film. Go out and get fucked instead.

-Vincent Gallo

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello babies,

I present you guys with a short (and sweet) entry on this fine Sunday evening. It may become a new feature here on the JUS. It's tentatively called "Stupid Person Time" and it will chronicle stupid people and the stupid things they do. IT'S GONNA BE SOOO FUNNY!!!

Let me get this thing started with someone who is a really stupid person (with a really bizarre name).

In Los Angeles last week a man named Tekle Zigetta was charged with currency smuggling. From there the investigators were led to a Hollywood apartment where they found a stash of ONE BILLION DOLLAR BILLS. ONE BILLION DOLLARS??? IN A SINGLE BILL?? HOLY SHIT!!!

The only trouble is that Tekle goofed when he was doing his counterfeiting. The problem? There is no such thing as a billion dollar bill. The bills they found were supposedly issued in 1934 (a time when a billion dollars would have been even more ridiculous than it is now) and had a picture of Grover Cleveland on them. Grover Cleveland? He's not bill worthy. That's a dead giveaway of fake-ness right there.

The investigators found 250 of these billion dollar bills. That's a lot of billions. The story on Yahoo News did not elaborate but I imagine Tekle is in serious trouble. He is also the first person to be honored on Stupid Person Time.

What kinda name is Tekle anyway.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

Hello world.

Let me get some things out of the way before I get down to business.

First of all, I'm sorry for the inactivity of the JUS lately. There is no good excuse other than laziness.

Second, to clarify Andy's entry below, Hardin Sweaty and The Ready To Go (of which I am a member, please forgive the shameless self promotion) will be playing this Friday in Denton, TX. They however will not be playing with Record Hop. Instead they'll be playing with the bands Prayer for Animals and Knee Pad. The show will be at Hailey's in Denton and will be only five dollars. If you're in the area and want to see a good rock show come on over. Plug over.

NOW ON WITH THE DEREK 360 POST!

I'm a fan of advertising. Both good and bad. Today I am going to present an ad that I think is just unbelievably good. I'm sure you guys have seen this before but now (assuming my link works) you can revisit it any time you'd like.

The ad is for Volkswagen, who never fail to make great ads (both viral and traditional), and they feature Peter Stormare as an uber-German car...enthusiast. I'm a lover of things that are ridiculously German so this ad immediately struck me as awesome. Here it is:



Here's a couple others in the series:
"Jaaaassssoonnn"
"It's definitely sucking"

"It looks like it could fly"

Great stuff.

-Derek

Through the Aperture of Andy: Away on Business

Hey JUhSers -

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be out on vacation for the next week. So, don't expect the fast furious posts from yours truly that you've come to expect and come to set your watch to. No sir, I'm off to the great slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado where I'm sure I'll atrociously injure myself and be left broken for the rest of my life due to my current lack of health insurance. Now, as for whether or not this will occur on the slopes or off (I foresee me drunkenly slipping and eating the side of a hot tub while wearing my newly acquired leopard thong and bleeding a lot) is up in the air.

However, today I purchased my new (and first) digital camera. Hopefully some awesomenasity will be had and I will luckily capture on said camera.

So, before I go. I just wanted to cram a lot of stuff into one big post!

FIRST:
Hardin Sweaty and the Ready to Go played a near-raucous and dare I say best ever show this past Saturday (March 4th) at Rubber Gloves in Denton, TX. The turn out wasn't spectacular. But the guys kicked major ass...and a cutout of Darth Vader around the stage. Ask Michael Thomas about the post-show after-party happenings.

This next Friday, March 17th, the boys will be destroying Hailey's in Denton, TX with Record Hop. SEE THIS SHOW! I'll allow Derek to further hype this show, but you should probably consider wearing old paint clothes and diapers because...well.....(aside from it being the new fashion)...you'll be messing yourselves from every orifice in your previously thought to be liquid tight bodies.

SECOND:
On June 17th, 2003 the best album of 2003, 2004, and 2005 was released. This album was none other than Brand New's "Deja Entendu". YOU WILL GO BUY THIS ALBUM IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO. Well, my little hipsters. I want you to check this out:

http://www.myspace.com/brandnewdemos

THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT! (Sorry about the language...but I can't contain myself). BRAND NEW BRAND NEW! The longly awaited and longly anticipated album is underway and should be released this year! And you know what that means?! That's right. The best album of 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. 2010 should probably find their next release.

Just in time! If you don't buy this album...I hope your head goes through the windshield or you burn in the wreckage of a plane crash or drown at the bottom of the sea after said crash.

But don't worry, folks. Even if the album doesn't see 2006. "Deja Entendu" already has 2nd best album of the year in it's pocket. It can step up to the #1 spot.

(I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT I'M GONNA DO!)

FINALLY:

For those of you who like nothing but equality in a marriage, well, I just wanted to leave you peoples with this:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

Just read it! I know it's long. I know the quality isn't THAT great. But just read it! Let's get some discussion going.

Alrighty!

I'm out of here!

I'm heaven sent!

Don't you dare forget!

That's the world through the aperture of Andy. I'm still working on a sign off. But my head hurt (head hurts!) and my health is a joke and now I gotta go because my head phones broke.

-Andy

p.s. - JUhS = entirely smooth. We admit to the truth -- we are the best at what we do!

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Soggy Toast"

The rain felled down from the mountain top.
It went drippy drippy and it would not stop.

It hit some leaves on its way down.
And from there it sloshed into town.

While in town the rain drops flowed.
Until they hit a curb and explode.

The water, it goes into every home.
IT WILL NOT LEAVE THE PEOPLE ALONE.

It's only moments until the people understand.
This is not water, this is a man.

A dead dude, a spirit, a spectre, a ghost.
Some dead on your bread giving you soggy toast.

-Bad Poetry Guy

Good media: Natalie Portman

I don't watch Saturday Night Live. I'm too busy being radical. This was on SNL last night and when I saw it this morning and felt it was worthy of a repost.

My favorite part is when Natalie Portman says, "I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun so don't push me".

Enjoy!

-LINK REMOVED-

-The Radical Tad