To Anonymous: Go Fuck Yourself

Alright. So it's been awhile. But then I'm searching through the comments in AWC's last post and I stumble upon this little something:

"anonymous said...

RIP JUHS?"

Uhhhhhhhhh, what the hell is that about? Let's get this straight: I fucking hate anonymous commenters. If you aren't man (or woman) enough to at least put a face to your opinion then you're an unselfconfident douche. I'd turn off anonymous commenting but ... meh. Fuck you.

And then it's "RIP" ... like this blog has somehow died? Why don't you get on here and write something your damn self, anonymous? We're fucking busy. We're not dead; it's called a summer slowdown. It's not our fault there's nothing entertaining going on in the news. Aquatic deaths have been down. Celebrity idiocy is at an all time historical high. Paris is getting the job done right now ... you don't need us. We're supposed to be out there digging up the hot underground shit for you, not feeding you what you can get on the front page of CNN. You lazy cunt. Fuck you.

And another thing, even if the blog did die, there's a really, really high chance it'd come back to life. It's died before and it's been resurrected before. This is a long term investment. And sometimes long term investments don't pay dividends for a while. You know? But do you sell when the market's slow? NO, you fucking buy that shit up before it gets hot again. Otherwise you'll sit there with your fake Gucci wallet wondering why you're not in the game. Listen, just stay in the fucking game. Don't sell now. Just don't. Don't. Don't. Oh... oh, just... Fuck you.

And when we say Takeover, we mean it. If you're gonna go through with this and get tookover, do us a favor and stay tookenover. This can't be a monthly uhh, occurrence, alright? We commence with a takeover once, and that shit sticks. We have all these plans, sure, but it takes a while to put into action. There's lots of planning and organizing and reorganizing and creative-head-juice-squeezing involved. We don't just shit out entertaining posts (present post excluded) ... it takes foresight. OK? Fuck you.

.......

Umm, I forgot where I was going with this. I had grand plans for this post, but that all went to hell somewhere in the last couple of paragraphs. Ehh, I don't mean to let you people in on more than you care to know about me ... but I haven't really been getting any lately (with English girls, that's probably a good thing). Honestly, I'm a little stressed. So if I come off strong ... that's why. Anyway, the blog is not dead. The Johnny is not dead. Wilbur Burris is not dead. Quit your fucking complaining, anonymous, and create something with your life. Completely seriously, fuck you.

An Open Letter to Edward Norton (8 days)

Earlier this week, the British media* ran a story claiming Edward Norton will portray Bruce Banner in next year's Hulk follow-up, The Incredible Hulk.

Almost immediately, I felt a snap somewhere in the back of my head. It hurt a little. I was vexed.


Umm ... Ed. Buddy. Brah.

What the fuck?

Seriously, what are you thinking? Did you not catch the first one? Don't expend the effort; it was a Piece Of Shit. Just walk away! Now, while you still can. You have a great career. We'll even forgive you for Death to Smoochy. Please, don't do this.

Sure, they got rid of Ang Lee, so we know it won't be another wearisome, overbearing atrocity. But hey, the same guys are running the show. And guess who they're bringing in to direct? A fucking Frenchman. You know how I feel about the French. I know this guy's got a career to look after (Transporter 3!), but believe me - he would love nothing more than to destroy yours.

You, Edward, one of the greatest American actors working right now. Then he'll fly back home, drink delicious wine, eat a baguette, and fuck some beautiful women. In other words, he'll be OK. And you'll be left there, dick in hand, wondering why Scarlett won't call you back.


Ehh ... who the hell cares anymore? Go ahead, make the fucking film. You'll be fine. We all know the real reason you're doing it, anyway:


Have fun getting stuck in a job you detest just for the payout ... like someone ... else ... I know. Wait, what?

[* Dark Horizons also ran this.]