The JUhS: Taking It to the Streets...

Once again, we here at the JUhS enjoy being able to offer a stage for men to express themselves in blog form (we call it whining when women chime in). It seems that our MLB preseason prediction post from last month inspired enough emotion and incited enough energy from a regular reader that he had to make his voice heard. So, without further adieu, we proudly present:

"Royals Will Fuck You. Hard." - by Joshua "Penis" Bradt

"First off, let me introduce myself. I am a long time friend of Johnny Utah, but am a first time writer. I sometimes tune to the symposium to see the comments that my dear friends, and forefathers of this site, have to say about life as they see it. But let me say readers, I’ll tune in no fucking longer.

A while back Derek, Andy, Vincent Gallo, Tits Drexler and a bunch of other dickheads decided they knew two shits about baseball. Derek predicted the crappiest team of 2006 would be the Kansas City Royals. Well let me just tell you something folks: The day of reckoning is upon us. The mighty and storied Kansas City Royals franchise will rise from the ashes of mediocrity like a phoenix reaching for the sun. A sun made of boobs.

I know it’s easy to bash a team who had one of the worst seasons in franchise history last year, but let’s not be short sighted with our assessment. The rumor mill is churning, and sources say that both Bret Saberhagen and George Brett are coming out of retirement to whip this team into a winning frenzy. Bret Saberhagen, with his patented “whizz ball” and George “The Pine Tar Punisher” Brett don’t just plan to embarrass the other teams, they plan to make the other teams shit their pants at the mere whisper of Mike “Sweet Swingin” Sweeny’s name.

But how will they do this? Aren’t they too old? What the hell is a Royal anyways? You may ask. Well dear friend, let me elaborate.

A mere 21 years ago the Royals were knighted as the World Champions of baseball. Leading that team’s charge were Saberhagen and Brett. That level of excellence can never fade with time, folks. Look at Jack Lalane, or for a lesser example sports blooper funny man Bob Uecker. Sure they might have gained a little weight, lost a little muscle, and have prostate problems, but as soon as we juice those motherfuckers up and get them on the field, the spark that lights the Royals comeback will be ignited. They will once again become the kings of baseball. Your TV screen will morph into a baby blue blur of home runs, grand slams, and pictures of George Brett flexing in front of the cameras, in attempt, no doubt, to get laid.

So friends, I conclude by saying that cheering for the Royals this season is not an option, it’s your obligation as an American. Not only should you root for the underdog out of principle, but you should do so to prevent the consequences of not cheering for the Royals. Once George Brett and Bret Saberhagen hear about your treason, the steroid rage will kick in and they’ll no doubt visit your home, lube up with big league chew, and spit tobacco juice on your back as they rape you doggy style (AKA Bret/Brett style). So don’t be an asshole, and help bring this team back the respect it deserves."

So, there you have it. How exciting. No more need for running. We're taking it to the streets.

- The Royal Men of JUhS

Liz Zuerker Presents: "Grass Fire Anatomy"

At the JUhS we appreciate the guest columnist. I actually think this may be our FIRST guest columnist...I'm too lazy to read back through the archives. So without further adieu we proudly present: LIZ ZUERKER!!! (Her words will appear in quotes and special colored text and font style)

"Following another delightful episode of Grey's Anatomy. One in which im please to point out that "Robin" from Batman & Robin fame had a guest staring roll. I just didnt think my sunday night could be topped... UNTIL the 10'o'clock news.

Their live opening broadcast was about a grassfire in the Colony. Just a few seconds into the guy's opening monologue an airhorn is heard and then NAKED OLD MAN BUTT! Myself and my friend Lindsaytunes used my TIVO rewind button three times to insure that we had not imagined it, but each time there it was in all its gross glory! That only left us with the question as to how the news guy managed to keep a straight face at the airhorn blowing streaker. I am also please to announce that on WFFA.com, this is a top story right next to some big car crash.

Ladies and Gentleman This is Dallas!"

im very excited about this
i have a feeling mike will be pissed
because of the greys anat reference
but i simply dont care

(That last part was her "off the record" remarks about one of my fellow JUhS Founding Fathers. I just wanted to include those to show how gritty and uncompromising Liz is...and to throw a rock in the machine)

Overall: Great work by one of our favorite readers. Keep up the good work, Liz!

-The Men of JUhS