The Johnny YouTube Premiere

Hello readers.

Back, way back, when everyone got tookenover, we here at the JUhS promised a multimedia experience like none other. Since then, you probably thought that promise was bullshit. Well, I'm here today to tell you the promise we made is now being made good.

You may remember Derek coming over to Europe awhile back to see the sights, eat shitty English food, bag some Eastern European hunnies, and "take the piss" out of the French.

We also made a few videos, and this is one of them. We think you'll like it. Scratch that - we know you'll like it, shoddy editing notwithstanding.

Without further ado ... The Great Primrose Hill Roll. Enjoy.

Coolin' (1 day)

The Existential Us is back from Paris, checking in on the Johnny once again. We/I/Us are/am/is busy getting situated for tomorrow's Takeover (note the handy countdown up above), so this will be brief.

Paris was everything we/us thought it would be. Pictures were snapped (Crazy Action Jumping and Faux Homelessness galore), museums were visited (except that pesky d'Orsay - closed on Monday), fake French accents were utilized, ridiculously hot French women were leered at, Quick Burgers were consumed, wine was smuggled, modern art videos were filmed, Le Catacomb was NOT visited, and French porn was NOT purchased (due mostly to lack of funds).

Rest assured that most of this wildly hilarious action will be hitting the JUhS screens in the not-too-distant future.

Until then, we leave you with this shot, which we/us feel sums up the trip quite nicely:


-Andrek Runvoni (JUhS)

DEREK 360: Yes/No (29 days)

YES!

NO!

NOTE 1: The words are links.
NOTE 2: Thanks to Andrew for the European flavored Yes/No content.

JUhS All-Stars (A New JUhS Bit)

Layoffs. Firings. Retirements. They happen every day, however, never are they more publicized than in the arena of professional sports. For years now, Derek and myself have played a “game” in which all newly retired or cut (fired for the un-sportsy) sports personalities would find themselves up for a job at the McKinney YMCA (don’t ask). For example, about a year ago Jerome Bettis retired from the NFL. He was then up for consideration as the starting running back/athletic director for the YMCA. Many a player and many a coach from many a sport soon found themselves newly employed with the McKinney YMCA.

Well, Derek and I, now being fully employed by the JUhS (check out the Rovers and Maybachs), have left the McKinney YMCA. However, sports dudes continue to retire and get all fired every of these days (?). These dudes need new employment as I, being the economist I am, will not tolerate them being a strain on the economy with their unemployment and welfare sucking. So, HERE! TODAY! I would like to announce the establishingment of the JUhS All-Stars! Due to newly freed cap room and that room of cash we discovered the other day while wondering around the JUhS mansion, we can now afford to field our own teams of sports stars (across all sports in the sports galaxy) who will do battle against the best other planets can offer (as well as staple and colate important JUhS documents, plunge JUhS office and mansion toilets and groom the pets).

Now, where to begin. This is going to be tricky because we find ourselves in a very odd part of the sports calendar where we find only the Association of Basketball National in season. This means that many a day has passed since football and baseball seasons ended so that means we have missed quite a few firings and retirements. So, I’m going to gently ease us into the water here and throw a couple of nominees out there for your consideration. Remember, this is just to start, later we can go back and find some new candidates. This is how it will work: I’ll throw out the names, I’ll make a couple of pointers about said names, we will vote, I will keep track on my JUhS issued computing machine (given by the Heavens) and make updates as necessary! Let’s play ball…


1.) Bill Parcells - Head Football Coach

• Real Name: Duane Charles “Bill” Parcells (How he got the name “Bill” and shed the often criminal elements and stigmas of the name Duane is a mystery and should be enough to hire him)
  
  
• Nickname: The Big Tuna
  
  
• Accolades: 2 Super Bowl Titles; 183-138-1 Record; Asstons of Coaching Awards; Responsible for 7 Current Pro and College Head Coaches; Awesomely round belly

2.) Jake Plummer - NFL Quarterback, Avid Beard/Mustache Supporter

• Real Name: Jason “Jake” Stephen Plummer
  


• Nickname: The Snake
  


• Accolades: Nothing Much More Than Extremely Sweet/Psycho-Looking Facial Hair Patterns and Growing Abilities; Led Some Teams to the Playoffs; Gives Fans the Finger

So, what you guys think? Bill Parcells for the role of Head JUhS Football Coach and Jake “The Snake Plummer” as QB1 of the JUhS Footballers. Lemme hear from you…

Fed Chairman: "My beard is splendid, and without equal"

MEMORANDUM
FROM: THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE
TO: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
SUBJECT: MY BEARD

Fellow Citizens of the United States,

Fear not, our economy is chugging along just fine. Even as I write this message to you, Tuesday's small "issue" has already been resolved. I assure you, the Federal Reserve Bank is on it like Chinamen on a railroad. Apologies, Asian-Americans. All right, bad example. Haha! Oh my ... even boring Fed Chairman Ben has a chuckle every now and then. My point is, you don't have anything to worry about. Please refer to any of the mainstream media outlets for verification.

Today, I'm writing this memo for an entirely different reason. Namely, because my beard is splendid, and without equal.


Make no mistake, I'm not ordinarily one to boast. I don't presume to assert that my beard is the best. I merely state that it is magnificent. And also without peer. There just isn't another quite like it.

Look at how finely chiseled it is. So full and manly. So evenly distributed and perfectly trimmed. Only a beard as masculine as mine deserves to control the free world's economic and banking systems. And you know, females love the salt and pepper look.

This artist's rendition almost does it justice. Almost. Speaking of justice, my beard is stronger and fuller than Larry Justice's beard. And that's saying something. Quite a lot, actually. I challenge you to find any beard on this list even remotely approaching mine. It simply does not exist.

I'd match my beard against any other famous beard in history. Karl Marx? Pffft. Damn Communist. I've got something for you Karl. It's a little system called Capitalism. You may have heard of it. It's sort of my thing. Oh, and your beard doesn't hold a candle to mine. In fact, mine is so strong and praiseworthy, it could literally hold a candle aloft if properly positioned. Das Kapital? Das kiss my ass.

Fidel, I have to admit ... I respect you. You, the last bastion of a dying breed. I don't mean Communism, I mean ye of the awesome beard. For that I hold you in the highest regard. But I will never back down, you son of a Red whore. Consider this a challenge, mano-a-mano (or should I say, barba-a-barba?), for bearded supremacy.

In conclusion, America, your well-being and comfort is in safe hands. Strong hands. Hands attached to arms which are in turned connected to a torso, from which sprouts a neck. And this neck is bearded. Heavily bearded. I don't go in for that neck-trimming fashion. That's gay.

Give me a neck beard, symbol of the free world.

Give me the beard of a free thinker.

Give me the beard of a liberator.

GIVE ME...


Godammit. Nevermind.

Just forget this ever happened. I'm going to jack up interest rates so high you'll yearn for the days of my beard's reign. Where's my Remington...

May all your beards be full fall out,
BB

Their Land Is Strong Earth

OK, so I completely ripped this off from a Sports Guy column. But honestly, I would be doing our readers a disservice if I didn't show it to them. It really needs no introduction. Enjoy.



Pay particular attention to the 2:20 mark. Brilliant.

Andrew (JUhS)