Fed Chairman: "My beard is splendid, and without equal"

MEMORANDUM
FROM: THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE
TO: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
SUBJECT: MY BEARD

Fellow Citizens of the United States,

Fear not, our economy is chugging along just fine. Even as I write this message to you, Tuesday's small "issue" has already been resolved. I assure you, the Federal Reserve Bank is on it like Chinamen on a railroad. Apologies, Asian-Americans. All right, bad example. Haha! Oh my ... even boring Fed Chairman Ben has a chuckle every now and then. My point is, you don't have anything to worry about. Please refer to any of the mainstream media outlets for verification.

Today, I'm writing this memo for an entirely different reason. Namely, because my beard is splendid, and without equal.


Make no mistake, I'm not ordinarily one to boast. I don't presume to assert that my beard is the best. I merely state that it is magnificent. And also without peer. There just isn't another quite like it.

Look at how finely chiseled it is. So full and manly. So evenly distributed and perfectly trimmed. Only a beard as masculine as mine deserves to control the free world's economic and banking systems. And you know, females love the salt and pepper look.

This artist's rendition almost does it justice. Almost. Speaking of justice, my beard is stronger and fuller than Larry Justice's beard. And that's saying something. Quite a lot, actually. I challenge you to find any beard on this list even remotely approaching mine. It simply does not exist.

I'd match my beard against any other famous beard in history. Karl Marx? Pffft. Damn Communist. I've got something for you Karl. It's a little system called Capitalism. You may have heard of it. It's sort of my thing. Oh, and your beard doesn't hold a candle to mine. In fact, mine is so strong and praiseworthy, it could literally hold a candle aloft if properly positioned. Das Kapital? Das kiss my ass.

Fidel, I have to admit ... I respect you. You, the last bastion of a dying breed. I don't mean Communism, I mean ye of the awesome beard. For that I hold you in the highest regard. But I will never back down, you son of a Red whore. Consider this a challenge, mano-a-mano (or should I say, barba-a-barba?), for bearded supremacy.

In conclusion, America, your well-being and comfort is in safe hands. Strong hands. Hands attached to arms which are in turned connected to a torso, from which sprouts a neck. And this neck is bearded. Heavily bearded. I don't go in for that neck-trimming fashion. That's gay.

Give me a neck beard, symbol of the free world.

Give me the beard of a free thinker.

Give me the beard of a liberator.

GIVE ME...


Godammit. Nevermind.

Just forget this ever happened. I'm going to jack up interest rates so high you'll yearn for the days of my beard's reign. Where's my Remington...

May all your beards be full fall out,
BB