DEREK 360: Hilarious

DEREK 360: Linkz

1. JCPenney.
2. Dragons fucking cars (NSFW).
3. The Dig Dug.
4. Evil.

XOXOXOXO!

DEREK 360: Gummi Wheres

Best. Post. Ever.

DEREK 360: Freak Nasty FAQs

I'm back.

Enough about me though. I want to talk about Freak Nasty. THE Freak Nasty. The dopest, illest, sickest, baddest, rottenest, pestulentest MC since that dude in C&C Music Factory with the pony tail. Freak Nasty, who gave us "Da Dip" and a metric ton of other life lessons along the way.

I present Freak Nasty FAQs

Q: What is Freak Nasty's real name?
A: Freak Nasty's real name is Freak Bill Nasty. He also sometimes goes by the following monikers: Coach B, Stephen Burnett, Brilliant Music Genius, and RenatO.

Q: Is Freak Nasty a Nordic God?
A: Technically no (you're thinking of Odin), but he is highly revered in all of the Scandinavian provinces and actually has a fjord named after him. Freak Nasty Fjord is beautiful in early Winter. He is not exclusively idolized in remote European nations though. He is renowned worldwide for his ability to bring people together in a cohesive and intelligent way. For example, before every G8 conference "Da Dip" is played on a loud speaker. His music is also one of the main reasons babies are being born today.


Q: I heard some busta talking shit about Freak Nasty the other day. What should I do to him?
A: Take away all of the Freak Nasty albums he's hiding (including his second copy of Controversee...That's Life...And That's the Way It Is which is probably hidden in a sealed bag in his toilet tank) and watch him die a miserable Dipless death. Either that or take him to any club in the world (except those where Oakenfold is spinning...Oakenfold and Freak Nasty go together like Maroon 5 and The Hives) and show him the wonders that the FN can bring.

Q: What is Freak Nasty's day job?
A: His day job is creating the music of a generation. He also dabbles in winning awards (The four Tony's he won back in '97 for his work as Raul in The Phantom of The Opera are only one example), inventing stuff, and teaching at Alameda High School in California.

Q: Wow, Freak Nasty is a teacher? Does he ever incorporate his groundbreaking music into the classroom activities?
A: Freak Nasty's music casts a pretty gigantic shadow. It would be impossible for him to dodge it, so naturally he embraces it and utilizes it as a teaching tool. At a pep rally at AHS in '04 he performed "Da Dip" to "pump up" the school before a big game. He was criticized after this performance for some innappropriate gestures with an underage student but because it's Freak Nasty the superintendent threw up his hands and said, "WHATEV!".


Q: Other than "Da Dip", what are some Freak Nasty jams I should be aware of?
A: This list can be long and daunting so I'll scale it back and give you the starter course on Freak Nasty appreciation. Start with "Da Dip". Learn it and love it, because remember, if you're not dippin' you must be trippin'. From there put in a copy of his self titled album and listen to track eleven, "1 4 Da T.H.U.G.S.". From there go back one track and listen to "My Alpha Bitches" before finishing up with track three, "Da End of Mista Big". Those three songs will give you a peek into Freak Nasty's early world. After that pop in his masterpiece, Controversee...That's Life...And That's the Way It Is, and listen to "Da Dip" eight times. After that hit up "Bump That Rump", "I Want 2 Fuck", "Boom Boom Bomb", "Deep Deep South", "Rumors Pt. 2" and "Fuckie Suckie (At Freaknasty Party)" in any order. The you should be ready. For anything.

Q: Was I conceived while my parents listened to "Da Dip"?
A: Yes.

That's all for now.

It's good to be back.

DEREK 360: NICKELBACK EXPOSED! (16 days)

Hello friends,

I'm not going to waste any time on this one. Let's get to the point.


Let me present you all with an excerpt from the lyrical excellence that is Nickelback's new single, "If Everyone Cared":

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

Seems harmless right? Yeah I thought so too. Then, as it repeated for the 57th time inside the song's overlong three minute run time I realized that it is not harmless. It's a message. A statement on the way of life these Canadian imports are trying to impose on their pork rind loving fan base.

The first two lines are completely innocuous. They are solidly written on a 2nd grade reading level and are dominated by a stout rhyme scheme in the same style as a classic "star-car" or "bean-mean" rhyme. They represent Nickelback opening the doors to their awesome Maple Leaf mansion and saying "C'mon in! We've got all these pork rinds! Who will eat them?". You're drawn in by those lines (and rinds), and if you're not careful the next two lines will just slide on by your common sense filters and make a nest in your subconscious.

Stay sharp, because here comes the third line, "If everyone shared and swallowed their pride". Once again, seems harmless. However, it is obviously a statement dripping with a communist agenda. "Share everything you have and everything will be rad". In theory communism is a great idea...in theory.

So Nickelback are a bunch of beer drinking communists. We can get over that right? For these rockers? YEAH! Pass the pork rinds! Oh wait, there's one more line.

"We'd see the day when nobody died"

Huh?

So what they're saying is that if we adopt communism as our way of doing things no one will die? Like ever? What? I can only assume that not only is their some seriously RED blood flowing through their veins but that it also has traces of Satan. "Share your moneys and no one will die because we, Nickelback, have got a pact with the big guy downstairs and he'll just reach into the dirt and bring back your dead uncle". Millions of people are probably already trying to share everything they have in an attempt to make themselves undeadable. This is bad. Beware Nickelback.

Nickelback = Communist Satanists.

DEREK 360: Yes/No (29 days)

YES!

NO!

NOTE 1: The words are links.
NOTE 2: Thanks to Andrew for the European flavored Yes/No content.

DEREK 360: Stupid(est) Person(s) Time

Hello everyone.

I want to first declare that this edition of Stupid Person Time is not intended to "one up" or "kick the ass of" Andrew's Stupid Person Time article below. I love that he's keeping this segment going. The reason for the doubling up in such a short time is simply because there is a metric shit-ton of stupid people walking about on this day.

I was prepared to brush my teeths and go to bed when I happened over to CNN.com for one last glance at the world's happenings. It was then that I saw this kid for the six millionth time in the past two days:


Wee little Mikey Auberry. If you've been closely monitoring the Amber Alerts of the past week or so you'd know that Lil' Mike is the twelve year old Cub Scout who went missing from a camp ground in North Carolina. Now, I am not a person who belittles missing persons. I'm not Andrew. However when the boy is found unharmed and then later (like three hours ago) reveals why he got lost and it's some of the stupidest shit of all time, well, then I have to comment. I have to. I do.

Little Mikey A. got lost because he was homesick, and was going to find the closest highway so he could hitch a ride home.

WHAT???

This is a new level of Stupid Person Time. This is StupidEST Person Time. This kid is in the hall of fame of stupid. Not only does he wander off away from the rest of his group (den?), but he wanders off with the initial idea of hitching a ride home. DID HE NOT SEE PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? DID HE NOT SEE THE HITCHER REMAKE STARRING THE ODYSSEUST HIMSELF, SEEN BEEN? And this kid is twelve. This is not a five year old blind kid. He's an able-bodied twelve year old Cub Scout. Is there not a merit badge for common sense? I can't type fast enough to truly articulate just how foolish I think this kid is. There were, at one point, 25 seperate search groups and several dog teams searching for this little punk, and what is he doing? Looking for the highway so he can go rest stop to rest stop with some giant trucker who is, ironically, named Little Man Dave...or something.

It's totally insane. Insane crazy stupid. And, believe it or not, it gets worse. Mike's daddy, Kent, had this to say when he found out about that whole hitchhiking thing:

"We're going to have that lecture about hitchhiking again."

Again? Holy shit.

This is why this segment is today called Stupidest Persons Time. Michael Auberry, you are the six rolls of toilet paper you get for $1.99. Your dad is the bonus roll.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Let's watch movies: Once Bitten

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about Once Bitten. Once Bitten is a chilling film from 1985 starring a before-he-was-famous Jim Carrey as the helpless victim to one-time-hottie Lauren Hutton's blood-thirsty vampiress. It's a story about dark forces and how said forces can be affected, both positively and negatively, by the personal choices a person makes...in 1980's California. It's a hardcore experience of a film. It's gritty, real and powerful and it makes everything Carrey has done since look like a bowl of burnt feces.

The movie opens by clearly laying out the troubling plot. The vampiress and her homosexual butler calmly discuss their problem. If she does not drink the blood of a virgin three times in the next ten days she will lose her youthful and totally ridiculously hot visage. She has been having a problem though. It seems that in 1980's California no one except kids are virgins and, because she is a vampire with a moral structure of blood drinking, she refuses to prey on kids. So what can she do? Her clock is ticking. The movie grabs you here and does not let you go.

From there we meet Jim Carrey's character. He is attempting to make love to his longtime girlfriend and she is resisting. Jim is defeated. Could he be the last virgin in all of California?

Naturally our two main characters intersect. On a chance night out at a Hollywood club Jim and vampiress cross paths and decide to go back to vampiress' house castle. From there lady vamp sucks Jim's blood (through his inner thigh...not the neck...Once Bitten does not trudge in the realm of the trite vampire cliche...it invents a new legacy of vampire fear and pain) and tells him that they made the sex like a couple of college kids hopped up on sugar-water and jelly beans.

At this point the movie has an almost playful air of fear. It's as though the film, unconsciously, is attempting to prepare the viewer for the lineup of tragic events that are to come. The viewer, however, can't be properly prepared for the visceral and unbelievable emotional ride they are about to be taken on. Jim Carrey's character spends the next solid hour of this masterwork of a film juggling the longtime girlfriend whom he loves and the vampiress who is clearly becoming more and more of a threat. This movie actually does what Fatal Attraction woefully attempted to do. Carrey's character begins to be torn, both through a physical transformation on par with some of the great visual performances of our time (i.e. Christian Bale in The Machinist, Jared Leto in that movie where he's a fat dude, etc.) and an emotional resonance that rips out the viewer's heart and breaks it again and again.

The movie is punctuated in a thrilling sequence that is Hitchcockian in its suspense and Speilbergian in its execution. In the end Carrey's longtime girlfriend must make the weighty decision to either give the man she loves the eternal gift of her virginity or watch him perish into the dark world of the occult. The choice she makes and the consequences everyone experience will move you to tears.

Normally I like to divulge prescious plot points in my reviews but doing that here would be patently unfair. Watch this film and as you are watching feel the feeling of knowing that you know that you are watching a film that needs to be needed and watched and let it run through your blood. It's powerful stuff.

+PROS+
+Everything.

-CONS-
-Nothing.

I give this film a 10.1 out of 10
-Derek

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

I love local advertising.

Go here to watch a list of the "50 best local ads of all time". Much love to The Phat Phree for compiling these clips.

Here's one of my personal favorites:

It's just like.
It's just like.
A mini.
Mall!

Brilliant...and effective.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Dancing With The Stars Preview

Hello everyone.

I love dancing. I love sexy dancing, classic dancing, dancing that involves food, food that can dance, ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, Mayan, Aztec, Sumarian, Hula, pop'n-n-lock'n, hyphy dancing, crunk dancing, pole dancing, stripping, the dancing you do on the line when you're completely blasted out of your mind and the officer asks you to walk straight, ceremonial dancing, Jewish dancing, dancing that involves a lot of jumping, skanking, gettin' low, grinding, freaking, bumping, dry humping, dancing with animals, dancing animals, dancing around issues, dancing around me writing the rest of this article-

Oh...I got off track there but I'm back. I apologize. So, as I was saying, I love dancing and there is really no television show that is a better outlet for my dance love than Dancing With The Stars on ABC. It is just so exciting to see all these awesome (and totally relatable) celebs dancing their way to the championship. So today I am going to preview the upcoming fourth season of DWTS by going through the list of new celebs and analyzing them. Oh yes.


Dancing With The Stars: Season 4 Contestants:

1. Laila Ali
Laila is an undefeated chick boxer and the daughter of Muhammad Ali. Because Papa Ali is (for some reason) just about the most beloved man in all of sports history, she is definitely one of the more "famous" people in this cast. I know that's scary. I'm sure her "sting like a bee" genes will do her a lot of good on the dance floor as she manipulates her softball player's physique in outfits that will not be flattering or appropriate on someone of her...stature. She has the potential to be a ridiculous chick oaf and make an ass of herself or she has the chance to dance herself into the final rounds (pun intended). She's hard to call.

2. Billy Ray Cyrus
Awwwwwwwwwww shit. Look who's back in the good graces of the American public. Billy "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus has wisely been keeping a low profile the last decade. He's on a show called Hannah Montana which, with a name like that, has to be absolutely awesome. Something tells me that Billy's dancing skills have atrophied in the same way his hit song writing skills have, so I don't see him making it to the end.

3. Clyde Drexler
Clyde fills the obligatory sports figure role on DWTS. He was nicknamed "The Glide" while in the NBA so I'm sure the producers expect that gliding ability to transfer over to some skill on the dancefloor. Unfortunately it was probably a nickname he gained, not on the basketball court as orginally thought, but in the many whorehouses that dot the fringe of downtown Portland. If it were Bangin' With The Stars or Playin' One on One With An Aged NBA Superstar That May or May Not Have The Clap he would be set, but in this contest he will not be the second coming of Emmitt Smith. He will lose.

4. Joey Fat One
Joey Fat One is a member of the now blown up boy band, NSYNC. He is not a porn star (yet) despite the obvious ease with which his name could transition into that realm. He is not the gay dude and he is not related to Mark Wahlberg. He has never had sex with Cameron Diaz but he may have given head to the writer/director of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (That's pure speculation...but when Fat One is on set, things happen). I guess he did some "dancing" when he was in NSYNC but I think he was always one of the lamer (lamer is being used here in the sense of a dying horse...not an uncool individual) ones who got stuffed in the back. He's an enigma, but I don't see him winning this thing.

5. Shandi Finnessy
Who the hell is this person? She's a former Miss USA so she's probably on board to fill the "hot ass" requirement. If she can dance even a little bit she can win...because people love hot ass. According to ABC.com she's also the host of a Gameshow Network show called Playmania. I'm sure that show is awesome. I've got a great feeling about this chick (and thats without even google image searching her name).

6. Leeza Gibbons
Leeza Gibbons is one of those disgusting entertainment journalists that cover celebrity weight fluctuation, create hybrid couple names and preview second rate reality television shows...

She also can't spell her name for shit and my gut tells me to call her Sleeza...and Sleeza's can't dance. She's losing.

7. Heather Mills
Heather Mills was, at one point and time, married to Paul "I'm Bullshit" McCartney. ABC is making a big deal about the fact that she is the first DWTS contestant to have an artificial limb. I think that's great too, except for the fact that you kinda need two good (and real) legs to dance your way to the top of the celeb dancing pile, so it'll be an uphill battle. She is missing one of her legs below the knee and she is also "famous" for her landmine awareness and prevention programs. Irony? She'll get all the attention at first until it's revealed that wheelchairs and limping are frowned upon. At that point she'll bow out gracefully to pursue "her causes".

8. Apolo Anton Ohno
Just typing this shithead's name makes me wanna vomit. He's a speed skater and he'll probably go all the way to the end. "OHNO? OH YES!" will become a nationally embraced catchphrase and this three named jackass will finally become the star he was destined to become five Olympic medals ago. Somewhere some place someone will make the incredible point of how disturbing it is that people are glued to a show about washed up has been "celebrities" dancing in a competition that is reigned over by the host of America's Funniest Home Videos while the Olympics, a legendary international matchup of might and will that dates back to Zeus, barely registers as a top ten program in the Neilsen ratings anymore. This point, however, will not register with anyone because they will all be watching DWTS.

9. Vincent Pastore
This dude is famous for playing a character named Big Pussy on The Sopranos. He is overweight. He will probably be extremely self-disparaging as the judges (dance experts) rip him a new one week after week before finally booting him off the show. He's comic relief in the form of a lovable big dude. He will lose. Maybe after this he can be on the inevitable second season of Armed and Famous.

10. Paulina Porizkova
This chick is a model. She's good looking so she has a chance to go all the way. She is, according to ABC.com releasing a book in the Spring so I guess she's a model/author now. Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. She is not the foolish model chick who is dating James Blunt. That chick is different...and really, really, really foolish.

11. Ian Ziering
It is pronounced EYE-AN. This joke was a member of the cast of Beverly Hills 90210. He's taking the pathway layed out before him by the brilliantly bald Joey "Whoa" Lawrence. The path of a completely washed up former television actor who is now busy "producing" films while weighing the pros and cons of dabbling in softcore porn. If he performs like Mr. Lawrence he may earn the chance to go back to doing what he's doing now...nothing. DWTS is not a springboard to fame (just ask that chick with the breasts who won the first one), it's a celebration of famous people figuring out that they have a talent and then nurturing that talent to fruition.

The final two will be Laila Ali and Apolo John Anthony Ohno with Ohno winning, as not even a solo dance by Ali's dad is enough to sway the voters. It will be emotional. It will be real. It will be brilliant.

It will suck. Real bad.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Yes/No

YES!

NO!

DEREK 360: Yes/No

YES!

NO!

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the semi-occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today I want to talk about what appears to be a new epidemic in the world of stupidity. Specifically the world of stupid ways to off yourself. I'm talking about this. Stowing away in the wheel well of planes in an attempt at a free ride. In the past month two dudes have been found dead in the wheel wells of planes after they attempted to stow away and suffocated to death next to the landing gear.

What kind of shit has to be going on in your life for this to seem like a viable option. It must be bad news on the home front for you to say to yourself,

"I need to get out of here...but I don't have any money...well I guess I could just stowaway on that British Airways flight to Los Angeles...yeah...that'd work...but how can i do it?...I could poke some holes in a box and ship myself...nah...that's so, like, four years ago...no, it's gotta be something fresh...I got it!...I'll crawl into the wheel well while all of the (supposedly) dozens of security and airport personnel have their backs turned...yes!...then I'll cool out next to the landing gear for like a few hours until I hear the plane landing...then when the wheel well opens up again i'll, like, jump out...yeah...fuck yeah...i'm sure there is air in there...and maybe I can snag some food...it may seem crazy but I love airplane food...I just love the portions...they're so right for me...yeah...this is a great idea...".

And how are these dudes getting down onto the tarmacs of our world's totally secure airports and then, and this is even more frightening, actually getting inside the planes. What would happen if one of these stowaways was fat or something and they affected the landing gear? Of course that's silly because everyone knows that stowing away is a skinny man's game but you never know.

Also...and forgive me but I'm just throwing out these queries as they come to me here...but also, if these stupid stowaway corpses are crawling into the wheel well in like Barcelona or something (they always have a lot of trouble determining when and where the person came on board since the planes literally go all over the world in a given day) do they just flop out after a certain amount of time? When a pilot is landing and he lowers the landing gear does a body just plop out from time to time? That would be quite ghoulish.


The stupidity of this whole thing just baffles me.

Have their been successful stowaways using this method?

What happened to the old poke a few holes in a box and ship yourself trick? Where did it go?

The stowaway world has gone to the stupid and it's a real shame.

I apologize for the unfunniness of this post, but the strength of my feelings about this issue supplant all attempts at humor.
-Derek

DEREK 360: !QUIK HITZ!

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

This is the most horrifying news story I've read in a long time. This is actually (and I know it seems impossible) more frightening than the whole fish rebellion/bird flu pandemic bit. This story is the proof that true evil exists. Plus, the casual tone that it is presented with adds to my fears. If we can't get freaked out by large, alien-looking, eelish, prehistoric, H.R. Giger inspired creatures that look like something a special effects house would create for a movie about hardcore alien-animal-monster-things eating scuba divers then we won't get freaked out by anything. We, as a culture, are completely desensitized to true evil. We're too busy trying to spot terrorists or other more common enemies. We need to open our eyes though and start looking around for monsters and draculas and werewolves. If shit this nasty is just a couple thousand feet under the water who knows what kind of awesomely horrible stuff is lurking inside THE CENTER OF THE MOTHER-FUCKING EARTH!!! WHATTTTTT!!!


I'll never sleep again.

2. TWO. DOS.

This is some blog appropriate news. This is also one of the best ideas the stage world has had in a long time.

3. THREE. TRES.

Clint Eastwood is an overrated asshole.

Oh baby,
Derek

DEREK 360: MUSIC NOOSE!

HEY!

The Johnny is one year old. We still don't have any teeth but we're starting to put sounds together. We can lift ourselves up and stand next to furniture but we still can't walk on our own without completely biting it. We shit ourselves. A lot. We are babies. Babies who can type 48 WPM.

I want to take this time to thank Andrew for turning the pressure on for the coming terrible two's of Johnny-dom. His statements about how year two will be bigger and better than year one have both frightened and inspired the writers here at the Johnny. But, fear not. We will increase productivity by further slacking on the few minor quality control measures that were already in place. With that said...

MUSIC NOOSE!

Today is Monday January 22 (for like another 45 minutes or so). Tomorrow is Tuesday. Hott new musics come out on Tuesdays. What do we have to look forward to this week???

****Well there is this band called The Shins. They've got a new record coming out. It's called Wincing the Night Away. I don't know about all of you, but when I think about the word wincing I picture Jesse Ventura in Predator. He ain't got time to bleed but he does have time to wince. Wait. What? I told you guys, quality control is flushed.

The new Shins record is a hotly anticipated release in the "indie" rock realm. I listened to it back in October, when it was delivered by mail to everyone in the country for free (at least that's how it seemed...it was everywhere...they were airdropping it over Africa instead of food at some points). It's solid. If you're a Shins fan you'll like it. Zach Braff will probably write about it in his blog and then buy the rights to it in a Michael Jackson buys all the rights to Beatles songs manner and use the songs to soundtrack every one of his scenes on Scrubs. No QC.

****Some dude named Pretty Ricky has a new album coming out. I listened to some of it on AOL. It sounds sexy as hell. The first line of the first song has Mr. Ricky proclaiming "DOES ANYBODY WANNA COME HOME WITH PRETTY RICKY TONIGHT???" Just crooning the shit out of it. Unfortunately for Rick, no one wants to come home with him. Why? Oh because we're all still hanging out with Sisqo back in the year 2000 when he did the exact same fucking thing.

****Of Montreal have a new record coming out. I haven't heard any of this record. I really don't know anything on this one. Starting your band's name with "of" is a bold move. Bold.

Speaking of bold.

****The top music release of the last half decade is coming out tomorrow. It's coming straight from a man who is as bold as the trucks in Texas and as rich as the soil at the bottom of the Mississippi. From the East coast to the West coast. From the Dixie highway back home (I think those are the words). That's right folks. Finally, after months and months of hype...

...the Cougar returneth.

John Mellencamp, Mr. "Our Country" himself, releases his new one tomorrow and on it (track seven) is the epic anthem of patriotism and awesomeness, "Our Country". Some of you may have heard "Our Country" when it was played during every commercial break of every show during every hour of tv on every network (with double playings during every sporting event). A lot of Chevy trucks have been hocked using the always reliable power of patriotism to help sweeten the deal for the buyer. This album also has a song called "Ghost Towns Along the Highway" which had better be 100% literal. There's no point in discussing this any further. "Our Country" is the new "Star Spangled Banner" and that's that. What the fuck is a spangle anyway.

"Oh say can you seeeeeeeeeeeee,
That this is Our Country!!"

I hate this shit. Fuck you John Mellencamp.

That's the QC free music noose. I'll do better next time.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Let's take a trip!

Hello friends!

Come along with me to a magical place. A place where luxury is an understatement. A place where ostentatious is the norm and everything reeks of cleanliness and money. A place where there are a billion rainbows and each has a pot of gold that is filled with gold. A place that reeks of gold. A place that is fucking incredible. And awesome. A place where black limos patrol the streets just begging to take opulent citzens from gala to gala.

LET'S FLY AWAY TO SNIPES LAND!!!


All the luxury 12 million in stolen government money can buy!!
(Note the sweet "Snipes Land" marquee Wesley had installed. It is 3 miles in length. The "Land" part has been slowly falling down Mt. Blade II for the past few months due to massive tectonic activity around Jungle Fever Cove.)

Slowly Reloading,
Derek

DEREK 360: The Odysseust

DISCLAIMER: This post is worthless AND pointless.

Last night I was flipping through the channels when I caught a few minutes of the total shitfest that is Troy. I happened upon a scene between Brad Pitt (in total phoning-it-in mode) and Seen Been. Seen Been was playing the always awesome role of Odysseus and it got me thinking.

Of the few men who have portrayed Odysseus in films throughout film history, who was the Odysseust?

1. Armand Assante - The Odyssey
(1997 TV mini-series)
Armand Assante is well regarded as a total bad ass. I mean, just look at the body of work here. He was in three of the best films of the past dozen years with his star turns in Judge Dredd, Two for the Money, and Striptease. He also played John Gotti in the appropriately titled TV movie Gotti. Oh, and he was also in one of those Christopher Columbus biopic's that came out in the early 90's. All of these totally awesome roles were just mere stepping stones to the role that Armand made his own. That would, of course, be the role of Odysseus.


But, was he the Odysseust?

He did get to do the whole Odyssey thing, which is awesome. He, however, did not have the same awesome psuedo-mullet-from-another-time hair that Seen Been had in Troy. He was good. He may have even been great.

2. Sean Bean - Troy
(2004 shitty movie)
Seen Been is an uber-pimp and everyone knows it. He's gotten his paws on a few of the great franchises of the past few years. He was one of the fellowship dudes in that whole Lord of the Rings thing. He did die in the first movie like a little bitch though. He was also Han Solo in the Star Wars movies. He wasn't the star of Troy but his presence (and the presence of his awesome hair) stole many a scene.


But, was he the Odysseust?

The fact that he was in Troy is definitely working against him. His credentials are strong though, and he played a more level-headed, less crazy Odysseus. He got to play the Illiad era Odysseus, who was a cyclopsless dude just coolin' in the ancient world. He's definitely in contention.

3. George Clooney - Oh Brother, Where Art Thou
(2000 movie)
George Clooney is a big star. He's got an Oscar on his mantle next to a certificate from People Magazine lauding him as the sexiest man alive back in like '98 or something. He also played Batman at some point back in the dark (yet light...and gay) days of the Batman franchise. He played Everett in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, which is an adaptation of The Odyssey. He had a lot of room to change up the role and experiment with the character.


But, was he the Odysseust?

He, technically, didn't even play the role of Odysseus. However, because there haven't been that many Odysseus' in semi-recent film history he's gonna get tossed in there. He's not a throw-away candidate though. He kicked cyclops ass. He made his way home. He did the whole thang and he did it well.

So who is the Odysseust?
The obvious answer here is Armand Assante. I, however, have got to deviate from the obvious and go with Seen Been. His confident, "I know I'm a bad ass" turn as a pre-Odyssey Odysseus helped bring the total crap fest that is Troy out of the shitty movie cellar (though it's still awful...don't get me wrong). He's also got some wicked-awesome (and historically accurate...I assume) hair. There may also be some influence from the fact that I haven't seen Armand Assante's The Odyssey since it first aired back in '97. Seen Been is fresh in my mind and sometimes freshness = Odysseust.

CONGRATULATIONS SEEN BEEN, YOU ARE THE ODYSSEUST!

Yikes,
Derek

DEREK 360: Popeye is gonna die.

E. coli is back at it. Back at its unawesome game of killing people and making people ridiculously sick. This time the food blamed for the spread of Mr. Coli is spinach (hence the Popeye title...haha...right?...shit). So far there has only been one death, which happened in Wisconsin, but 50 others have reported sickness in seven other states. The scariest part is that all the states are not even bordering Wisconsin. New Mexico, Idaho, Connecticut, Utah, Michigan, Oregon, Indiana. This shit is all over the map.


The tainted spinach (or "nasty greens" as I prefer to call them) can't be traced back to one source so all spinach could be at risk of a visit from the Coli. The nasty greens are mostly being found in those nifty bags of spinach you see at the grocery store, but they could be present in restaurant cooking or anywhere else spinach is used.

Just to freak you all out a little more, here is a brief description (which I completely plagiarized from the yahoo story) of what E. coli can do to the body:

E. coli causes diarrhea, often with bloody stools. Most healthy adults can recover completely within a week, although some people -- including the very young and old -- can develop a form of kidney failure that often leads to death.

Bloody stools?
Kidney Failure?
Death?
OH FUCK!

Bottom line: Beware Spinach.
-Derek

P.S. It is a lesser known fact that most spinach prefer to wear Converse sneakers, as the art shows. Just FYI.

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion! (update)

The fish rebellion that I have been talking about for the past month took its first high profile casualty a few hours ago.

Steve Irwin, the man better known as "The Crocodile Hunter", was killed by a stingray off the coast of Australia. The stingray stuck Irwin with a barb. The barb pierced his chest and killed him.

Big Pooga could not be reached for comment.

More on this to come.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Nuts Busted

Hello everyone.

This one should probably be another installment in my stupid person time feature but I couldn't resist putting the words "bust" and "nut" in the title. I am a child.

In Gainesville, Florida a glitch at the University of Florida Women's Health Center killed thousands of sperm samples. Some of the samples belonged to men who had stored the sperm because of impotency fears. That is a major bummer right there. The glitch caused the temperature in the sperm cooler tank things to rise without warning. The sperm scientists (or spermitists) thought they had detected the problem and saved the sperm in time, but they were wrong. All of the sperm were killed.


The Spermitists at The University of Florida Women's Health Center are a bunch of fucking murderers.

To ensure this doesn't happen again I want to urge all of the dudes out there to always keep a few sperm samples on hand in your fridge at home. Just remember to ALWAYS label these samples clearly. Also, I'm sure those sperm killing murderers down in Florida could use some new sperm samples to replenish their sperm coffers so feel free to "bust a nut" into a baby food jar, write "Florida" on said jar and hand it to your local mail person. They will know what to do. Remember tomorrow is Labor Day so all sperm deliveries will have to wait until Tuesday.

Together we can all make a difference. For sperm. For man. For all.
-Derek