DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek