Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: Fuck the editors. I circumvented those mother-fuckers.


Enough is enough.

The four no-dick, sacks of shit that supposedly run this blog have done enough fucking around. I've been submitting articles to this e-rag for months now and none of them have been getting published. And when something does get published it's some trite chronicle of how "bad ass" and "awesome" these fuckin' guys are. I'm tired of the fiction. This blog needs to get fucked again and the cock that's gonna do it belongs to me.

With that said. Let's talk about some upcoming movies.

Witless Protection
I'm not even going to watch the TRAILER for this pile of burning human carcasses. I don't need to. Let me give some credit to Larry the shit-eater though. This guy really knows how to sell the same fuckin' joke over and over for years at a time. Sitting through this would be an exercise in recycling food. I'd fuckin' puke, eat the puke (cause that'd be more fun and interesting than watching this sandpaper gloved handjob of a movie) and puke again. I'm gonna be fuckin' sick. I wouldn't mind fucking the chick on the poster though but that's not the issue here.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Leatherheads
George Clooney. George fuckin' Clooney. Let me just explain my disgust for this guy real fast. I'm sure you've all heard of a movie called Ocean's 11. Not the original with Frankie S. but the update with George Clooney and Casey Affleck. I was in negotiations for the lead in that movie when fucking George Clooney comes in the room, takes out his dick and says, "cast this dick". Of course that cunning sack of shit got the part. The TRAILER for this Leatherheads thing looks like garbage though. Who fucking cares about sports. Or history. It's all about trusting the present and fucking embracing art. Now my blood is up.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

In the Name of The King
Uwe Boll is a fucking genius. Ghandi is bullshit. Sexy Beast is bullshit. The House of Sand and Fog is TOTAL bullshit (and Ron Eldard can suck my fuckin' dick). The best Ben Kingsley performance of all time was in Boll's under-appreciated masterwork, Bloodrayne. He was just so raw. The TRAILER makes it look like we can expect a similarly stunning turn out of Ray "I peaked with Unlawful Entry" Liotta. We'll see though.

Thumbs Up Really High.
A lot of Stars.

The Johnny Utah editors can't fuckin' stop me anymore so you can expect to hear from me. Lots. Hugs and kisses. Go fuck yourselves.

-Vincent Gallo

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas (5 days)

HOT FUZZ is better than getting a blow job in the back of a 30-Year-Old Mormon's car during the LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE after party, and is the best film of the year so far.

5 out of 5 boners.

DEREK 360: Let's watch movies: Once Bitten

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about Once Bitten. Once Bitten is a chilling film from 1985 starring a before-he-was-famous Jim Carrey as the helpless victim to one-time-hottie Lauren Hutton's blood-thirsty vampiress. It's a story about dark forces and how said forces can be affected, both positively and negatively, by the personal choices a person makes...in 1980's California. It's a hardcore experience of a film. It's gritty, real and powerful and it makes everything Carrey has done since look like a bowl of burnt feces.

The movie opens by clearly laying out the troubling plot. The vampiress and her homosexual butler calmly discuss their problem. If she does not drink the blood of a virgin three times in the next ten days she will lose her youthful and totally ridiculously hot visage. She has been having a problem though. It seems that in 1980's California no one except kids are virgins and, because she is a vampire with a moral structure of blood drinking, she refuses to prey on kids. So what can she do? Her clock is ticking. The movie grabs you here and does not let you go.

From there we meet Jim Carrey's character. He is attempting to make love to his longtime girlfriend and she is resisting. Jim is defeated. Could he be the last virgin in all of California?

Naturally our two main characters intersect. On a chance night out at a Hollywood club Jim and vampiress cross paths and decide to go back to vampiress' house castle. From there lady vamp sucks Jim's blood (through his inner thigh...not the neck...Once Bitten does not trudge in the realm of the trite vampire cliche...it invents a new legacy of vampire fear and pain) and tells him that they made the sex like a couple of college kids hopped up on sugar-water and jelly beans.

At this point the movie has an almost playful air of fear. It's as though the film, unconsciously, is attempting to prepare the viewer for the lineup of tragic events that are to come. The viewer, however, can't be properly prepared for the visceral and unbelievable emotional ride they are about to be taken on. Jim Carrey's character spends the next solid hour of this masterwork of a film juggling the longtime girlfriend whom he loves and the vampiress who is clearly becoming more and more of a threat. This movie actually does what Fatal Attraction woefully attempted to do. Carrey's character begins to be torn, both through a physical transformation on par with some of the great visual performances of our time (i.e. Christian Bale in The Machinist, Jared Leto in that movie where he's a fat dude, etc.) and an emotional resonance that rips out the viewer's heart and breaks it again and again.

The movie is punctuated in a thrilling sequence that is Hitchcockian in its suspense and Speilbergian in its execution. In the end Carrey's longtime girlfriend must make the weighty decision to either give the man she loves the eternal gift of her virginity or watch him perish into the dark world of the occult. The choice she makes and the consequences everyone experience will move you to tears.

Normally I like to divulge prescious plot points in my reviews but doing that here would be patently unfair. Watch this film and as you are watching feel the feeling of knowing that you know that you are watching a film that needs to be needed and watched and let it run through your blood. It's powerful stuff.

+PROS+
+Everything.

-CONS-
-Nothing.

I give this film a 10.1 out of 10
-Derek

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas

In the tradition of previous entries in the franchise, SAW III shits itself and dies like a relapsed cancer patient.

0 boners out of 5.












Fuck you, Darren Lynn Bousman.

Let's watch movies: The Departed

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about The Departed. Actually, that is not entirely accurate. I am going to gush about how awesome The Departed was. I would like to believe that I am a movie "buff" (whatever the hell that term means). I go to the movies on a semi-regular basis and my knowledge of movie crap is marginally impressive. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to believe me when I announce that The Departed is the best movie of 2006 (thus far).

Martin Scorsese has crafted another movie in the same mold as his previous best. Goodfellas, Taxi Driver and even Casino share the same style. Gritty, layered, powerful cinema that just feels cool in every way. The Departed brings Marty back to this same style after his good and bad historical dalliances of the past half decade. He's back on the streets and it's fucking awesome.

The Departed follows the trials and tribulations of two cops in Boston. One is a high ranking officer (Matt Damon) who is a rat for a crime lord (Jack Nicholson). The other is an undercover cop (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is in with said crime lord ratting to the cops. The movie blazes at a quick pace as the two rats jockey for position in an attempt to benefit their respective sides. People get shot, punched, beaten up with coat racks, and thrown off of buildings. Everyone swears. A lot. Nicholson even breaks out a dildo in a porno movie theatre at one point. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg is in there too stealing every scene he's in with his "holy shit this guys is SUCH an asshole" attitude. Alec Baldwin is also in top form.

I warned you above. Forgive my gushing.

This was a movie that plastered a big stupid smile on my face and left it there for like 150 minutes. Everytime someone would get punched or say something menacing this little jar labeled the "jar of cool" would just get more and more full in my mind, until by the end of the movie I was walking to my car feeling really awesome. I think the jar overfilled and made me believe that the movie theatre parking lot was quite a bit more awesome then it actually was. Point is, the movie is really, really good. And cool. And awesome. Gushing. Pros and Cons.

+PROS+
+There were like 4 or 5 different times in this thing when one cop punched another cop in the face in the middle of the police station. Realistic? Doubtful. Awesome? Oh yeah.
+Wahlberg really tore it up.
+All the performances were top notch.
+The whole movie was kind of a pro.

-CONS-
-The dude next to me eating ice during the movie. Not cool fat man.

I know this wasn't funny and I don't care. Go see The Departed.

I give this film a 9.12332 out of 10
-Derek

Quick update: 2006 Cinema in review.

Hello, JUHSers. Here is my brief list for the top 5 best movies of 2006 so far. Ready? I'm ready.

5. HOSTEL
4. THE HILLS HAVE EYES
3. THE DESCENT
2. SUPERMAN RETURNS (also the most underrated film of the year)
1. V FOR VENDETTA

Wow. What a crappy list. Superhero movies and horror flicks. 2006 needs to get its head in the game.

-Michael Thomas

Let's watch movies: The Island

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch The Island. This movie came out last year and it stars Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou and Seen Been. This movie is not based on the crappy Peter Benchley book of the same name. That book was about pirates. This movie is about clones. This movie also has nothing to do with herpes.

Ewan and Scarlett play a pair of clones who do not know they are clones. Seen Been, in classic scientist-dude-playing-God-with-a-smarmy-British-accent mode, is the propreitor of a giant underground utopian world where rich people in the real world have paid money to house their clones until they are needed for organ transplants and kinky sex play (mmmm). The clones are living blissfully until Ewan's clone starts to get curious about stuff. Why can't he eat bacon? Why do these overly aggressive dudes in black jumpsuits give him shit everytime he gets too close to Scarlett? What's up with this island thing?

Oh, the island is the place they tell the clones they are going to when their real world counterpart needs to harvest organs from them. Hmmm. This is confusing. The clones in Seen Been's utopian society are told this string of lies about how the outside world is contaminated. The last remaining noncontaminated spot on the globe is the island. Seen Been has a rigged lottery whenever he needs some organs and the winner of the lottery gets offed (but they think, up until they're on the operating table, that they are going to the island). You know what I mean?

This is awful.

Did i mention that it's set in the future.

Eventually Ewan busts out of the underground utopia and takes Scarlett with him. From there they get to Los Angeles (but it's future L.A. so there's like tons of trains and some vehicles can hover now). In future L.A. the movie provides the viewers with its best nine or ten minutes. There's a pretty sweet car chase thing with a bunch of stuff falling off of an eighteen-wheeler (except, because it is the future, it's got like twenty plus wheels) and that stuff hitting cars and trucks and killing lots of people.

The entire time Scarlett is grunting and screaming in the most unsexy baritone rasp imaginable. She yells words like "Run!" and "Lincoln!" (that's Ewan's name and her fav president) with the tone you'd expect from a professional wrestler. Unsexy.

Oh, and Djimon Hounsou is in there too and for some reason he is ridiculously shiny in every scene. Is he sweaty like all of the time or is his skin just crazy shiny? Who knows. Good work with the silent "D" though.

Right now I would like to say how I got off track in this review, but, to be off track you have to be on track in the first place...which I was not. So...let's do some pros and cons.

+PROS+
+That car chase was pretty fun.
+Despite knowing that this movie kinda sucks, I didn't really mind watching it. I think that's a Pro.

-CONS-
-Most of this movie is pretty crappy.
-This movie somehow manages to waste the talents of both Michael Clarke Duncan and Steve Buscemi. Well, the talents of Buscemi anyway.
-The bass utterances of Scarlett. Unsexy.
-The ending sucks.

This is an awful review.

I give this film a 4.65537 out of 10
-Derek

Let's watch movies: Alien Hunter

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Alien Hunter. Alien Hunter stars the incomparable James Spader as the title role and one-time-fastest-man-on-Earth, Carl Lewis (I shit you not).

Let's clear something up first here. Alien Hunter is not The Thing. Yes, they both take place at a remote research facility in Antartica. Yes, they both center around the existence of extra-terrestrial life forms on said research facility. Yes, they are both taut thrillers made with a keen eye for detail and scene construction. Ok, I lied about that last one. Alien Hunter does not have Kurt Russell with a beard but it does has James Spader. In this movie he aimlessly spouts off lame strings of dialogue about how "math is the universal language" and "Aliens are real". He hijacks elements of Jeff Goldblum's characters in both Jurassic Park and ID4 and makes you believe every poorly orchestrated scene.

The story of Alien Hunter is pretty straight forward. An alien disturbance is believed to be discovered at a remote Antarctic-an research facility that is dedicated to growing corn (for some reason...I wasn't listening). The scientists call on James Spader (because he is a FUCKING ALIEN HUNTER...YEAHHHHHH!!) to consult on the alien that they have in their midst. The alien spends most of the movie in a cocoon thing "thawing" out so there really isn't any "hunting" involved. The title of the movie is hugely misleading. Eventually the alien cocoon thing hatches and the alien escapes and people start dying. People's faces melt off in an unimpressive "we stole this effect from Raiders of the Lost Ark and somehow fucked it up" way. Eventually things escalate to a point where some politician dudes (who are sweating a lot because of the gravity of the decisions they are being forced to make) have to send a submarine to blow up the research facility. Spader, some chick scientist and the Wilford Brimley equivalent wind up walking into some alien light and get sucked up into their space ship. The ending is wide the fuck open. Sequel anyone?

This movie was pure turd. Spader tried to carry it on his back and make it awesome but not even Spader is capable of such a feet. Perhaps if he would have played the same part he played in Pretty in Pink. Who knows.

+PROS+
+Carl Lewis is in this movie.
+Spader.
+Carl Lewis.

-CONS-
-Carl Lewis dies in this movie.
-Carl Lewis doesn't do any running in this movie.
-There are no shots of Carl Lewis outrunning alien energy waves or fire.
-When the research facility that was used to grow corn is blown up by the dudes on the submarine not one of them makes a popcorn joke. Hardcore missed opportunity.
-The fact that the alien "costume" was obviously an old (and used) prop from ID4.

I give this film a 3.15564 out of 10
-Derek

Let's watch movies: Heat

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Heat. Heat stars Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, Tommy "Boom Boom" Sizemore and one of my favorite actors, Tom Noonan.

Heat is a movie about bad mother-fuckin' dudes. I actually heard that Bad Mother-Fuckin' Dudes Kickin' Ass and Stealin' Some Shit was a potential title. The movie centers around the "adventures" of two men. Pacino plays a cop (who kicks ass) and DeNiro plays a crook (who steals some shit). The two men respect each other but want to put a stop to one another at the same time. The movie is punctuated by some of the slickest and most radical action scenes ever captured in a movie. There are a lot of bullets and a lot of windows being broken. The movie takes a turn for the awesome as Pacino and DeNiro get more and more intense until it eventually pole vaults well over the previously set record of awesome and sets a new one during the final hour. Oh yeah, Tom Noonan is in it. He hasn't been this good since Robocop 2 and that is really saying something. Heat is an astoundingly awesome and all around amazingly astute action adventure (ALLITERATION BITCHES) movie. It is three hours long but it's a good three hours. It doesn't really feel long. It feels developed. Yeah.

Reviews tend to be both more difficult to write and less entertaining to read when the movie being reviewed is good. I will make a note of this and try to review pure shit (see Havoc) more often in the future.

+PROS+
+Stellar cast that delivers on all of its potential.
+Multiple hair styles from Val Kilmer!!
+Tom Noonan with a beard.
+LOTS of broken glass.
+Jeremy Piven is actually in this movie.

-CONS-
-There were not enough references to the temperature being "damned hot". This made me feel cheated by the title. A movie called Heat should be about hotness. Pacino should've looked DeNiro right in the face and said, "DAMN IT MAAANNN! IT IS HOT!". That would've really made it for me in a big way.
-The fact that John Voight (yeah he's in this too...and he's surly as balls) doesn't spell his name John VOYT.

I give this film a 8.99878 out of 10
-Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Let's watch movies: Havoc

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Havoc. Havoc stars Anne Hathaway, the always reliable Bijou Phillips and some Latin dudes.

Havoc is about a group of girls (with the focus being primarily placed on two of them) who become so bored with the safe suburban world that they live in that they decide to go over to the "bad side" of town and hang out with some bad ass Latin dudes. The Latin dudes are drug dealers and they live a fast and dangerous lifestyle that gets Bijou and Anne a wee bit excited. Things escalate when the ladies go to a shady hotel room and ask to become "a part of the gang". Oh yeah, the Latin dudes are, of course, in a gang. The Latin dudes are totally cool with the idea of them joining the gang but their is an initiation. The initiation is that the girls each roll a single dice (or is it a die). Whatever number they roll is the number of awesome Latin gang member dudes they have to fuck. I think all at the same time or something. Anne rolls a one and good old Bijou "I'm a dirty slut" Phillips rolls like a 15 (I don't remember). So from there things get out of hand. Anne turns into a prude (after displaying her nude bod for like the eighth time in the movie...not complaining) and refuses to fuck the one dude she was supposed to fuck. Bijou however is all about it. She starts fucking some dudes and, what a surprise, she has a bad time. The Latin dudes let up and let the chicks leave. The chicks then blow things out of proportion and say the Latin dudes raped them. Actually I think Bijou's the only one that flips the script on the Latins but I don't remember. From here things escalate even more when Anne's "I wanna be black" boyfriend gets involved. I don't remember the ending. I don't know if I was watching. This movie sucks.

The point of this movie was clear. It was trying to serve as a cautionary tale to parents and to kids. To parents it is trying to tell you to watch your kids. If you think they may be sneaking off to East L.A. for a fiesta then maybe it is time to intervene. To kids it is telling you to NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS WHO ARE IN GANGS. That is a life you stumble into, not a life you seek out. Just say no and stuff.

Let's do like a pros and cons thing here:

+PROS+
+Anne Hathaway's boobs
+The realistic depiction of Latin gangs (cough cough)

-CONS-
-Basically everything
-Bijou Phillips has got to be on the cons despite being naked for the majority of the movie. She just sucks.

I give this film a 3.31785 out of 10
-Derek

Brokeback to the Basics

Let's get this straight. The movie was fine. A career-defining moment for the director and many of the actors involved. I personally enjoyed watching it. It was well-filmed and rightfully placed in many crtitics' 2005 top ten lists. But please, citizens of the world (and non-JUhS members everywhere), let's not get carried away. It's a movie about two gay cowboys. Respectfully portrayed, a wonderful love story, but ... two gay cowboys. Nothing to write home about, really. It's as if the population has been reduced to snickering pre-teens. Most of us have seen the faux-trailer Brokeback to the Future. Slightly more than mildly amusing, I must admit. But please, I beseech all social editorializers, let this end where it began. There's nothing ahead of us that can't easily be predicted, if we take but a moment. I submit to you a list of what may well be referenced in future Brokeback Mountain parodies. This list will, well ... suck. I present it as a warning. The way I see it, if it's recorded here, it can no longer be an original thought. Feel free to add your ideas to the comment area. It will be for the greater good.

1) Brokeback in the Saddle Again
2) Brokeback that Ass Up
3) Brokeback in the Day (When I Was Young, I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Somedays, I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again...)
4) Brokeback to Back to Back National Champions
5) Brokebackslider!
6) Brokeback Spasms
7) Brokeback to School Sale
8) Brokebackwater Hick
9) Broke-little-black-back Pack
10) Brokeback in the U.S.S.R.


-Andrew
[Proud JUhS member since 2006!]

p.s. - As a follow-up comment to the latest "Through the Aperture of Andy", let it be known that I have never seen Grey's Anatomy. But my girlfriend has, and she loves it. Therefore, his editorial must be correct in all aspects (based solely on this one example, of course). Thank you.