DEREK 360: Stupid(est) Person(s) Time

Hello everyone.

I want to first declare that this edition of Stupid Person Time is not intended to "one up" or "kick the ass of" Andrew's Stupid Person Time article below. I love that he's keeping this segment going. The reason for the doubling up in such a short time is simply because there is a metric shit-ton of stupid people walking about on this day.

I was prepared to brush my teeths and go to bed when I happened over to CNN.com for one last glance at the world's happenings. It was then that I saw this kid for the six millionth time in the past two days:


Wee little Mikey Auberry. If you've been closely monitoring the Amber Alerts of the past week or so you'd know that Lil' Mike is the twelve year old Cub Scout who went missing from a camp ground in North Carolina. Now, I am not a person who belittles missing persons. I'm not Andrew. However when the boy is found unharmed and then later (like three hours ago) reveals why he got lost and it's some of the stupidest shit of all time, well, then I have to comment. I have to. I do.

Little Mikey A. got lost because he was homesick, and was going to find the closest highway so he could hitch a ride home.

WHAT???

This is a new level of Stupid Person Time. This is StupidEST Person Time. This kid is in the hall of fame of stupid. Not only does he wander off away from the rest of his group (den?), but he wanders off with the initial idea of hitching a ride home. DID HE NOT SEE PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? DID HE NOT SEE THE HITCHER REMAKE STARRING THE ODYSSEUST HIMSELF, SEEN BEEN? And this kid is twelve. This is not a five year old blind kid. He's an able-bodied twelve year old Cub Scout. Is there not a merit badge for common sense? I can't type fast enough to truly articulate just how foolish I think this kid is. There were, at one point, 25 seperate search groups and several dog teams searching for this little punk, and what is he doing? Looking for the highway so he can go rest stop to rest stop with some giant trucker who is, ironically, named Little Man Dave...or something.

It's totally insane. Insane crazy stupid. And, believe it or not, it gets worse. Mike's daddy, Kent, had this to say when he found out about that whole hitchhiking thing:

"We're going to have that lecture about hitchhiking again."

Again? Holy shit.

This is why this segment is today called Stupidest Persons Time. Michael Auberry, you are the six rolls of toilet paper you get for $1.99. Your dad is the bonus roll.

-Derek

Stupid Person Time

Normally, Derek (JUhS) holds it down in the vast arena of Stupid Persons. Not to encroach upon his territory, but I felt compelled to share this with everyone today. While engaged in my daily routine of avoiding anything resembling work, I came across this beauty of an article from South Africa.

To recap, four recently-released criminals decided to hijack a darkly tinted car right in front of a police station that - get this - contained two armed police officers and two armed private investigators. Needless to say, they were unsuccessful. Somehow, no one was injured. Stupid? I'd say very.

This got me thinking ... would these criminals' severe lack of judgement apply to alternate scenarios? Where does this rank in the universe of patently bad ideas?

Some off-the-cuff examples:

Guy 1: My recurring case of explosive diarrhea is acting up again. Are you sure this roller coaster is such a great idea?
Guy 2: It's all good, mans. I'm right behind you.
-------------------------------
Man: Please, sweetie. Please blow me. Just ... work around the herpes sores.
Woman: Alright. Is herpes even contagious?
Man: No ... ??
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HS Basketball Player: Coach, that retard McElwain won't stop bothering us. We're losing by 30, can't you do something?
Coach: Don't worry. I'll put him in for a couple minutes, he'll miss a few shots, and we won't hear a word about it ever again.
-------------------------------
Britney: You know, I've been wondering ... bald. The new pink?
Paris: That's so hot.
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Marquette Mom 1: What's that one kid's name? The funny looking one with the curly hair. Something with a 'J'. Jopchinskee, Japdoogee ...
Marquette Mom 2: Fuck it. Just write "Jade".

I might be on to something here.

Readers, we know you're out there (you're on our counters!). We'd like to see your own thoughts in the comments. There's got to be some better examples. Have at it.

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the semi-occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today I want to talk about what appears to be a new epidemic in the world of stupidity. Specifically the world of stupid ways to off yourself. I'm talking about this. Stowing away in the wheel well of planes in an attempt at a free ride. In the past month two dudes have been found dead in the wheel wells of planes after they attempted to stow away and suffocated to death next to the landing gear.

What kind of shit has to be going on in your life for this to seem like a viable option. It must be bad news on the home front for you to say to yourself,

"I need to get out of here...but I don't have any money...well I guess I could just stowaway on that British Airways flight to Los Angeles...yeah...that'd work...but how can i do it?...I could poke some holes in a box and ship myself...nah...that's so, like, four years ago...no, it's gotta be something fresh...I got it!...I'll crawl into the wheel well while all of the (supposedly) dozens of security and airport personnel have their backs turned...yes!...then I'll cool out next to the landing gear for like a few hours until I hear the plane landing...then when the wheel well opens up again i'll, like, jump out...yeah...fuck yeah...i'm sure there is air in there...and maybe I can snag some food...it may seem crazy but I love airplane food...I just love the portions...they're so right for me...yeah...this is a great idea...".

And how are these dudes getting down onto the tarmacs of our world's totally secure airports and then, and this is even more frightening, actually getting inside the planes. What would happen if one of these stowaways was fat or something and they affected the landing gear? Of course that's silly because everyone knows that stowing away is a skinny man's game but you never know.

Also...and forgive me but I'm just throwing out these queries as they come to me here...but also, if these stupid stowaway corpses are crawling into the wheel well in like Barcelona or something (they always have a lot of trouble determining when and where the person came on board since the planes literally go all over the world in a given day) do they just flop out after a certain amount of time? When a pilot is landing and he lowers the landing gear does a body just plop out from time to time? That would be quite ghoulish.


The stupidity of this whole thing just baffles me.

Have their been successful stowaways using this method?

What happened to the old poke a few holes in a box and ship yourself trick? Where did it go?

The stowaway world has gone to the stupid and it's a real shame.

I apologize for the unfunniness of this post, but the strength of my feelings about this issue supplant all attempts at humor.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today we are going down to the Bermuda area for the tale of a fisherman who got his damn self stabbed while fishing for marlin. Marlin, more specifically blue marlin, can grow to be really huge (like 800lb.) and they have a natural sword shaped protuberance coming out of their foreheads. They are the narwhal of the fish world.

Ian Card, a 32 year old fisherman, was fishing with his father when all of a sudden the fish he had on his hook did its natural fishy thing and jumped out of the water (huh?). It jumped face first right into Ian's chest and stabbed the shit out of him. The force knocked him right out of the boat and into the water.

From here Mr. Card managed to "free himself" from the marlin's tusk/horn/sword/thing and...wait a second here. How do you free yourself? This dude got presumably run through by this fish's nose sword and then he somehow managed to pull the thing out? Did he leverage himself against the side of the boat and push as he watched gallons of his blood paint the water around him. I know this is supposed to be "Stupid Person Time" but this Ian Card dude is kind of a bad ass. If I got run through by a marlin tusk I'd flip out and probably just die. The marlin would carry me under the water and introduce me to the mayor of marlin town. They would show me all the coral-crafted landmarks of their marlin made metropolis. It would be magnificent...wait, what was I talking about?

Ok, back on track here. Ian Card managed to get loose and was treated at a local hospital after a 40 minute boat ride back to shore. He is alive but "very lucky" according to a doctor who treated him.

Ian, you are the subject of "Stupid Person Time" because:
1. You got stabbed by a fish...and that's awesome. Wait, no, that's stupid.
2. You got away from your marlin assailant and in doing so flushed your ticket to marlin town down the toilet.

In honor of you, Ian, I created a cautionary poster for future fisherdudes to learn from. I used fellow Johnny founding dad dude, Andrew, as the subject of this poster because if there is one guy I know who could get stabbed by a fish it's him.


I think this post might suck.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello babies,

I present you guys with a short (and sweet) entry on this fine Sunday evening. It may become a new feature here on the JUS. It's tentatively called "Stupid Person Time" and it will chronicle stupid people and the stupid things they do. IT'S GONNA BE SOOO FUNNY!!!

Let me get this thing started with someone who is a really stupid person (with a really bizarre name).

In Los Angeles last week a man named Tekle Zigetta was charged with currency smuggling. From there the investigators were led to a Hollywood apartment where they found a stash of ONE BILLION DOLLAR BILLS. ONE BILLION DOLLARS??? IN A SINGLE BILL?? HOLY SHIT!!!

The only trouble is that Tekle goofed when he was doing his counterfeiting. The problem? There is no such thing as a billion dollar bill. The bills they found were supposedly issued in 1934 (a time when a billion dollars would have been even more ridiculous than it is now) and had a picture of Grover Cleveland on them. Grover Cleveland? He's not bill worthy. That's a dead giveaway of fake-ness right there.

The investigators found 250 of these billion dollar bills. That's a lot of billions. The story on Yahoo News did not elaborate but I imagine Tekle is in serious trouble. He is also the first person to be honored on Stupid Person Time.

What kinda name is Tekle anyway.

-Derek