DEREK 360: Gummi Wheres

Best. Post. Ever.

The Johnny or Porn?

This is the question I was faced with this evening ... because you know why? I have the internet again, and it's a thing of glory. It almost defies comprehension, but for the past seven months I've been without the internet at home. Seven months. It's like living in the medieval times, or prison. In fact, I'm pretty sure some prisons have a fairly regular internet connection. In my home that hasn't been the case. Until today. And I'm fucking stoked about it, you have no idea.

The Johnny has been deprived as of late. But for my part, given my new internets situation, I can promise you a little something more. I'm so excited, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Alright, update time I suppose. Still living in London as you may or may not know. I went to Budapest last weekend. Two misconceptions: the Danube, as far as I could tell, was not exceptionally blue. Looked like any other river to me. Secondly, no one made any "I'M SO HUNGARY I COULD EAT A BORSCHT" jokes. Disappointing. Cool place though, I enjoyed it.

This weekend I have a trip to Amsterdam coming up. Just hold it right there ... I know what you're thinking. What I will be doing: biking and visiting the van Gogh museum. What I won't be doing: soliciting prostitutes and eating hash brownies. I promise. Come on people, I wouldn't want to lose my job...

...

More to report later, but believe me, the Johnny U is open for business. You love it.

-Andrew (JUhS)

DEREK 360: NICKELBACK EXPOSED! (16 days)

Hello friends,

I'm not going to waste any time on this one. Let's get to the point.


Let me present you all with an excerpt from the lyrical excellence that is Nickelback's new single, "If Everyone Cared":

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

Seems harmless right? Yeah I thought so too. Then, as it repeated for the 57th time inside the song's overlong three minute run time I realized that it is not harmless. It's a message. A statement on the way of life these Canadian imports are trying to impose on their pork rind loving fan base.

The first two lines are completely innocuous. They are solidly written on a 2nd grade reading level and are dominated by a stout rhyme scheme in the same style as a classic "star-car" or "bean-mean" rhyme. They represent Nickelback opening the doors to their awesome Maple Leaf mansion and saying "C'mon in! We've got all these pork rinds! Who will eat them?". You're drawn in by those lines (and rinds), and if you're not careful the next two lines will just slide on by your common sense filters and make a nest in your subconscious.

Stay sharp, because here comes the third line, "If everyone shared and swallowed their pride". Once again, seems harmless. However, it is obviously a statement dripping with a communist agenda. "Share everything you have and everything will be rad". In theory communism is a great idea...in theory.

So Nickelback are a bunch of beer drinking communists. We can get over that right? For these rockers? YEAH! Pass the pork rinds! Oh wait, there's one more line.

"We'd see the day when nobody died"

Huh?

So what they're saying is that if we adopt communism as our way of doing things no one will die? Like ever? What? I can only assume that not only is their some seriously RED blood flowing through their veins but that it also has traces of Satan. "Share your moneys and no one will die because we, Nickelback, have got a pact with the big guy downstairs and he'll just reach into the dirt and bring back your dead uncle". Millions of people are probably already trying to share everything they have in an attempt to make themselves undeadable. This is bad. Beware Nickelback.

Nickelback = Communist Satanists.

DEREK 360: Let's watch movies: Once Bitten

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about Once Bitten. Once Bitten is a chilling film from 1985 starring a before-he-was-famous Jim Carrey as the helpless victim to one-time-hottie Lauren Hutton's blood-thirsty vampiress. It's a story about dark forces and how said forces can be affected, both positively and negatively, by the personal choices a person makes...in 1980's California. It's a hardcore experience of a film. It's gritty, real and powerful and it makes everything Carrey has done since look like a bowl of burnt feces.

The movie opens by clearly laying out the troubling plot. The vampiress and her homosexual butler calmly discuss their problem. If she does not drink the blood of a virgin three times in the next ten days she will lose her youthful and totally ridiculously hot visage. She has been having a problem though. It seems that in 1980's California no one except kids are virgins and, because she is a vampire with a moral structure of blood drinking, she refuses to prey on kids. So what can she do? Her clock is ticking. The movie grabs you here and does not let you go.

From there we meet Jim Carrey's character. He is attempting to make love to his longtime girlfriend and she is resisting. Jim is defeated. Could he be the last virgin in all of California?

Naturally our two main characters intersect. On a chance night out at a Hollywood club Jim and vampiress cross paths and decide to go back to vampiress' house castle. From there lady vamp sucks Jim's blood (through his inner thigh...not the neck...Once Bitten does not trudge in the realm of the trite vampire cliche...it invents a new legacy of vampire fear and pain) and tells him that they made the sex like a couple of college kids hopped up on sugar-water and jelly beans.

At this point the movie has an almost playful air of fear. It's as though the film, unconsciously, is attempting to prepare the viewer for the lineup of tragic events that are to come. The viewer, however, can't be properly prepared for the visceral and unbelievable emotional ride they are about to be taken on. Jim Carrey's character spends the next solid hour of this masterwork of a film juggling the longtime girlfriend whom he loves and the vampiress who is clearly becoming more and more of a threat. This movie actually does what Fatal Attraction woefully attempted to do. Carrey's character begins to be torn, both through a physical transformation on par with some of the great visual performances of our time (i.e. Christian Bale in The Machinist, Jared Leto in that movie where he's a fat dude, etc.) and an emotional resonance that rips out the viewer's heart and breaks it again and again.

The movie is punctuated in a thrilling sequence that is Hitchcockian in its suspense and Speilbergian in its execution. In the end Carrey's longtime girlfriend must make the weighty decision to either give the man she loves the eternal gift of her virginity or watch him perish into the dark world of the occult. The choice she makes and the consequences everyone experience will move you to tears.

Normally I like to divulge prescious plot points in my reviews but doing that here would be patently unfair. Watch this film and as you are watching feel the feeling of knowing that you know that you are watching a film that needs to be needed and watched and let it run through your blood. It's powerful stuff.

+PROS+
+Everything.

-CONS-
-Nothing.

I give this film a 10.1 out of 10
-Derek

Nels' News

This is from Nels St. Claire.
The real one.

He sent me this clip from his Johnny outpost in The Tedo. Enjoy.

One Sentence Movie Reviews with Michael Thomas

In the tradition of previous entries in the franchise, SAW III shits itself and dies like a relapsed cancer patient.

0 boners out of 5.












Fuck you, Darren Lynn Bousman.

The Tragedy of Michael Thomas

by Danny Jordan, as told to Tits Drexler and Salazar Scuttle

There once was a boy named Michael Thomas. He was a boy with dreams, passions, and a desire to make it in the business. The film business. One day, Michael decided to pack his bags, leave his home, and head out to the great city of Los Angeles to make a name for himself and cure his depression.

Well, Michael moved to Los Angeles and found himself a small apartment in North Hollywood. There he set up his base, and was ready to set out into the city to make his dreams come true.

He started giving blow jobs on street corners, as practice for his big break. Michael Thomas got very good at giving blow jobs, but after a few months he started to feel like a failure. He was considering quitting this crazy life and moving back to his home... in Wisconsin.

One night, Michael Thomas was drowining his sorrows in a bar, when Bryan Singer walked in, and sat down next to him. Michael Thomas got excited because he knew how the prolific director felt about young boys, and even though Michael was a little too old for Bryan's taste, Michael was sure he could satisfy.

So Michael Thomas and Bryan Singer began talking, and Mr. Singer decided that he liked Michael. So much so, that he invited him back to his home in Beverly Hills.

Back at Bryan's home, Michael was getting nervous. This was his big break, and he knew how disapointed everyone in Wisconsin would be if Michael came back a failure. Before he could dwell any longer on his doubts, the front door opened. In walk Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA to his friends.) Michael could not ask for a better audition, so he went straight to work.

All Michael's practice seemed to pay off, because Bryan Singer and PTA were very satisfied with Michael's work. Michael, full of pride and ego, asked the two master's about job opportunities.

Instead of offering work, Bryan Singer and Paul Thomas Anderson stabbed Michael. Then they through his body into the Beverly Hills Ocean.

And there he floats to this day. Dead, bloated, and dejected.

The End