Through the Aperture of Andy: "Come out with your hands up and titties out!"

Hello children. Let's take a look at what we have today:

NOW SHOW US THEM TITTIES!

Ladies! Would you show this man your bazongas?

What if he knocked on your door saying he was a doctor offering free door-to-door breast exams on behalf of the local hospital? That's what happened in one Miama, Florida neighborhood. Phillip Winikoff, a.k.a. The Awesome Dr. Hooter Handler, is the suspect pictured above and is an awesome 76 years old. He has been charged with sexually assaulting two women in their 30s after being invited in by the women to check their breastaseses. However, one woman became suspicious after "Dr." Winikoff started giving her genitals a thorough looksy without putting on rubber gloves. (I'm guessing her nether regions looked clean so he didn't think he needed them...and that this woman thought it was an all inclusive breast exam?!) The prude lady called the cops and reported Winikoff.

Winikoff was arrested after trying to expand his practice in another neighborhood. A spokesman for the local sheriff''s department had this to say about Winikoff: "Winikoff was not a doctor. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership." That just adds to the awesomenacity of this dude. Although he's creepy and perverted. And a sexual criminal. (Ok, he's not THAT awesome). But he still looks like the man.

I'm not saying I support sexual assault or anything like this at all, but LADIES! Come on now! An old man, looking like that, hell...forget physical appearances! IF ANY man comes to your door saying he's offering free breast exams: YOU DO NOT LET HIM IN! Use some good...or ANY judgement.

However, a dude coming to my door looking like the man offering to feel me up...I'd probably let him in also.

(Dr. Feel Ya Good)

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! ...HELLO?

Ahhh. Oklahoma City Police Department. OKCPD. Or is it OPD? Not sure. It doesn't matter. Anyway, after sitting for SEVEN HOURS outside a home involved with a drug investigation, the police decided it was the right time to make a move even though they had had no contact with anyone from inside the house. Units at the scene called in the tactical team, who subsequently made the entrance into the house. They made their entrance only to find: no one was there (cue the trumpet and the "WAH WAH Wah-wah-a-a-a-a").

Good work boys. I guess this was the Keystone Unit of the OKCPD...EFAHDS.

(Benny Hill Theme in Full Effect!)

That's it for today. Just some nifty quick hits.

And that's the world through the Aperture of Andy...them breasts looking firm and clean.

Through the Aperture of Andy: Spitting Fire (Did I s-s-s-tutter?)

**This is a special, spur of the moment Aperture. Warning - contains unusually offensive language from Andy. Just a warning as Andy turned red in the face and just began typing. Thank you.**




You know what I can't stand? Fucking liars.

About a month or two ago Sportscenter put the spotlight on one Jason McElwain, an "autistic", high school basketball team manager. In the closing minutes of a game, in which his team was losing and ultimately lost, Jason was given some pity playing time by his coach. He played four minutes and, like a pimp, sank six 3-pointers. Pimp status quickly faded after this kid got his own stupid Sportscenter segment/report and was shown being carried off the court on the shoulders of his classmates with his deformed, pubescent face all big and stupid. Now, I know I would probably look just as stupid were I to be carried off a court all excited like. But...I'm not a fucking liar.

The report was filled with interviews of Jason's parents and coach crying. It showed his classmates talking some stupid shit and our dear, "autistic" Jason spitting out stupid shit. Stupid shit like "I was on fire." and then smirking and sitting there filled with a vomit-inducing, smug ass look on his face and this attitude that he was "the shit". Just to recap: Jason claims he has autism. Having autism does NOT yield you "the shit" status.

Definition of autism (as defined by Houghton Mifflin): A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.

Ok, so let me get this straight. The kid is maybe dyslexic. He stutters and mumbles. Maybe he likes shiny things and is shy a few IQ points. I don't think these are things that keep him from being an average basketball player. Shit, most athletes are practically borderline retarded...intelligence wise. Let's face it: Jason sucks at basketball. Just like most of us. So, the kid was rightfully the team manager. The coach felt sorry for him and put him in and the kid gets a lucky streak going. He's not the poor soul with down syndrome who is the awesome team manager that everyone loves. THAT would be an incredible story! No. This kid, in all his camera time and interviews exhibits NO noticeable symptoms. He goes unguarded in the last minutes of a game. Where his team is getting destroyed. Where the other team, as Derek JUS points out, has put in their equivalent...the 3rd string bench warmers who have as much playing time as "J-Mac". They're stuck guarding the "retard". Shit. The kid wishes he was a retard. But yeah. Who wants to guard the special ed kid? So the kid has wide open looks and gets lucky. Then, the kid thinks he's the fucking man??? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

I've never been more pissed off at the tv in my life. And now, today I open up my Yahoo! Homepage and what do I see? The headline: "Autistic hoops star scores movie deal". Oh my sweet crap! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Here's the link. Check it out.

That's going to be the most awful movie since Corky Romano. The movie's going to end with this want to be "disordered person" making some 3-pointers and his team still losing the game! WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! No check that. Hollywood will saw off one of his legs, give him an eye-patch, AIDS, say his father abandoned him at birth when he learned the kid would never speak, and for some reason give him the speaking skills of an ape with mush in his mouth. And then his ugly ass parents will make fat bank off of him. Just look at his parents. The dad is gangly as hell. The mom is just plain ugly and passed on her burn victim good looks to her annoying ass son. This kid better enjoy what he's getting now because in time he'll be revealed as a fraud. He's as "retarded" as some high frat asshole.

I'm telling you. The kid's not even disordered. We've all seen Rain Man. Maybe Jason's "savant talent" is tickling the twine. Which would be awesome. But this kid isn't awesome and he's not that lucky. I'm dead serious. The kid's a fucking liar. Fine...maybe he is autistic. I think this kid is barely autistic. If this is true I'm proposing that we get rid of autism as a disorder. Now, I know there are people with serious disorders. They will be reclassified with a new disorder. However, Jason and people like Jason will no longer receive special treatment.

He'll no longer be Jason: "the basketball team manager because he has autism". He'll be Jason: "the team manager because he can't hack it day in and day out". He'll be like the rest of us. Admit it. Would YOU want someone to make a movie of you? How fucking boring would that be?

So to sum up. Fuck this kid. He's an asshole and a liar.

And that's the world through the aper-aper-aper-ture of Adyn. Definitely. Defintely Andy.

Through the Aperture of Andy: From the Files Of....

Hey Hey. Hello my JUhSers. Sorry I've been away. I'm going to purposely ignore comments made by one Andrew (JUhS) and just get on with it:

From the files of: "Whatever Happened to...?" I bring up these once all-to-famous names...!

Nikoloz Tskitishvili - NBA Forward

2002 - #1 Draft Pick (5th overall) of Denver Nuggets.
2005 - Declared Free Agency
2005 (uhh later than previous 2005) - Signed by Minnesota Timberwolves

Career Averages - 3.0 Points/Game, 1.8 Rebounds/Game, 0.7 Assists/Game, 0.3 Blocks/Game, .303 Field Goal%

Where is he now: Traded to Phoenix Jan of 2006 where he is constantly laughed at by the injured Amare Stoudemire, who was still on the board when Denver chose Tskitishvili. But, his allergies are enjoying the dry, aridness of the Phoenix deserts.

Overall...NOT AWESOME! #1 pick?! Think Denver is kicking themselves for NOT picking Amare Stoudemire, Tayshaun Prince, or...shit...even Dan Dickau (all of whom were drafted after darling Nik). In all truth. This guy sucks. He never did anything to actually deserve this recognition or spotlight. ...Except be born "Nikoloz Tskitishvili" and have his name called out a lot on NBA Live (bang boom, whatcha gonna do?)



Darryl Kile - Major League Baseball Pitcher

1993 - Pitched a freaking no-hitter for the Houston Astros
2000/2001 - St Louis Cardinals pitching staff ace
2000 - 20 Game Winner for St. Louis Cardinals
3 Time All-Star

MAN! After putting together an awesome early career, struggling after being traded to Colorado, and then putting it back together in The Lou you'd think this dude would still be kicking some ass in the Majors. But no.

Man. Whatever happened to Darryl Kile?




....oh

From the Files of: "Separated at Birth"...

One is a 9-time All-Star, World Series MVP, multi-Cy Young winner, and is approaching 300 career wins as a pitcher in Major League Baseball. The other is a 4-time WWF/E Heavyweight Champion, 6-time WWF Tag Team Champion and has a perfect 14-0 Wrestlemania Record. They are the New York Mets' Tom Glavine and professional wrestler The Undertaker (a.k.a. - Mark Calaway, a.k.a. - The Phenom, a.k.a. - American Bad Ass, a.k.a. - Kane...sometimes).

However, few people know that they are actually twins abandoned at birth and separated by adoption. Look it up. Most sources will tell you that Tom Glavine was born on March 25, 1966 and that Mark Calaway was born on March 24, 1965. This is incorrect. Mark was born at 11:59 of March 24th. Tom was born at 12:01 March 25th. So, that part is correct. However, at the age of 17, after making the decision to become a professional wrestler, Mark was forced to lie on an application about his date of birth. He merely rolled back one year on his year of birth to 1965 so that he could meet the requirement of being 18 years of age to enter an amateur wrestling match in hopes of impressing some professional scouts. The rest, as they say is history.

I submit these photos as proof. Of course, Mark is much larger as he started a very rigorous weight lifting/weight gaining program. He also took assloads of 'roids. Tom, however, is al-natural. See for yourself...



Pretty amazing, huh?

Here's this picture they took together after "big brother" Mark convinced Tom to join him in some wrestling fun:




It's uncanny!!!

Oh man! Well...that's it for now. You will surely find this pleasing to your....eyes.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy!!!

Through the Aperture of Andy: Away on Business

Hey JUhSers -

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be out on vacation for the next week. So, don't expect the fast furious posts from yours truly that you've come to expect and come to set your watch to. No sir, I'm off to the great slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado where I'm sure I'll atrociously injure myself and be left broken for the rest of my life due to my current lack of health insurance. Now, as for whether or not this will occur on the slopes or off (I foresee me drunkenly slipping and eating the side of a hot tub while wearing my newly acquired leopard thong and bleeding a lot) is up in the air.

However, today I purchased my new (and first) digital camera. Hopefully some awesomenasity will be had and I will luckily capture on said camera.

So, before I go. I just wanted to cram a lot of stuff into one big post!

FIRST:
Hardin Sweaty and the Ready to Go played a near-raucous and dare I say best ever show this past Saturday (March 4th) at Rubber Gloves in Denton, TX. The turn out wasn't spectacular. But the guys kicked major ass...and a cutout of Darth Vader around the stage. Ask Michael Thomas about the post-show after-party happenings.

This next Friday, March 17th, the boys will be destroying Hailey's in Denton, TX with Record Hop. SEE THIS SHOW! I'll allow Derek to further hype this show, but you should probably consider wearing old paint clothes and diapers because...well.....(aside from it being the new fashion)...you'll be messing yourselves from every orifice in your previously thought to be liquid tight bodies.

SECOND:
On June 17th, 2003 the best album of 2003, 2004, and 2005 was released. This album was none other than Brand New's "Deja Entendu". YOU WILL GO BUY THIS ALBUM IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO. Well, my little hipsters. I want you to check this out:

http://www.myspace.com/brandnewdemos

THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT! (Sorry about the language...but I can't contain myself). BRAND NEW BRAND NEW! The longly awaited and longly anticipated album is underway and should be released this year! And you know what that means?! That's right. The best album of 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. 2010 should probably find their next release.

Just in time! If you don't buy this album...I hope your head goes through the windshield or you burn in the wreckage of a plane crash or drown at the bottom of the sea after said crash.

But don't worry, folks. Even if the album doesn't see 2006. "Deja Entendu" already has 2nd best album of the year in it's pocket. It can step up to the #1 spot.

(I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT I'M GONNA DO!)

FINALLY:

For those of you who like nothing but equality in a marriage, well, I just wanted to leave you peoples with this:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

Just read it! I know it's long. I know the quality isn't THAT great. But just read it! Let's get some discussion going.

Alrighty!

I'm out of here!

I'm heaven sent!

Don't you dare forget!

That's the world through the aperture of Andy. I'm still working on a sign off. But my head hurt (head hurts!) and my health is a joke and now I gotta go because my head phones broke.

-Andy

p.s. - JUhS = entirely smooth. We admit to the truth -- we are the best at what we do!

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial (Sort Of...)

Hello. This is going to be short and to the point.

Directions:

1.) CLICK HERE

2.) Blame Vincent Gallo.

3.) Repent.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy

Next post: There's an Andy (JUhS) and an Andrew (JUhS). Those posting names are too similar. Someone needs to change. Who and what. That's next time.

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial

Keys to hit tv show: everyday, normal looking, cute girl...in a hospital with a just out of reach love interest...borderline zany, but heart warming supporting characters...peppered with oh so delicious lines like: "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."...and coast on appropriately themed indie-pop tracks played in the background. Oh yeah, and set in a hospital.

Holy bleep. That's like trying to give a fried snickers bar covered in chocolate syrup and powdered sugar to a really fat dude who likes sweets. THAT'S how much of a hit you have there with those ingredients. ...And THAT'S what you have with ABC's "Grey's Anatomy".

You know what else you have with "Grey's Anatomy" (or "Grey's")? The most frustratingly, absurdly nothing of a show of all time. Yes, it's the most popular show with girls age 2 weeks to 110 years (I'm not positive on those stats, so don't quote me...but I'm pretty sure they're kind of not too incorrect), but that's just the proof I need that this show sucks. I mean it's full of chick propaganda. The anti-fairytale, fairytale. ...And don't get me wrong...I LOOOVE THE WOMEN...but women are no good at everything (to borrow from Homer Simpson and Brian Fantana....which will get me off on a whole other anger tangent about quoting that movie).

Let me sum up an episode: "Hey! I'm a woman. Not just a woman. A grown up woman. Isn't that redundant? (note - that's where canned laughter would be put in...if there were a laugh track...and where all viewing women pause to reflect and agree with this statement) And not just a grown up woman a grown up DOCTOR woman. And I'm in love. And love sucks! Now let's talk to my co-workers as they talk about their vaginas! Oh gah! I remember when we were kids and we were going to be married! But now, I may not get married. Wow. I hate men. I love making out. I hate me! And that's ok!"

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? What is wrong with women?! Are they all THIS depressed and put-out with life to the point that a whole show about accepting getting crapped on by life but then life hangs a carrot in front of you on a stick and a string like a cartoon donkey and cart only to pull it away from you just when you're about to nourish your hunger and then crap on you again? HOLY CRAP!!! WOMEN! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!!!

...IT'S FRUSTRATING! And you chicks just eat it up! "OH! THAT'S MY AWAY MESSAGE TOMORROW!" That's an actual quote spoken from the mouth of one female viewer named Liz who shall go nameless, while watching part 1 of the Code Black fiasco. The power this show has! Only 2 things in history have carried more weight: the Bible and Hitler!

Just check out The Facebook! "There's got to be way over 1,000 chicks who put this down on their interests!" exclaimed Derek in reference to just the OU Facebook. And then there's the occasional dude who also says they "like" it. Give it up, assholes. We all know you just put that on there so chicks will go: "Awww." But even then, this damn show should teach them to look out for assholes like that...but they don't learn! What we have here is the new The Notebook. (Except, I admit, I like that...that's a whole contradiction that we'll get into at a later date). It's St. Elmo's Fire set in a hospital. It's ER without any trace of Clooney, Eriq La Salle karate punch, and any action...with the exception of the latest "Code Black" story line...which ended pretty alright...but was still absurd.

I can't fully describe this show. It's not rhetoric. It's not...pretentious. It's just....stupid and frustrating.

All I can say, as I wrap up this entry that I'm sure is out of left field and doesn't capture the fiery passionate frustration I have with this show, is that "Grey's Anatomy" is the most annoying thing on tv.

...That and John Buccigross.

How about this: "What Christopher Carrabba is to Dashboard Confessional, "Grey's Anatomy" and John Buccigross are to tv." Stupid, shitty, and bloated all around...and sucky....and ruining all sorts of stuff.

-Andy

Through the Aperture of Andy

Here's the first in what will be one of my additions to the blog. I'm just hoping to deliver some news you may or may not know about as I do my best Andy Rooney/John Stossel impression. So, let's get started!

NO-Mass Drinking
(AP via Yahoo! News) Remember when those boring nights would come along and they would magically be fixed by saying "HEY! Let's go to UMass and play some Circle of Death!"? Well, sorry Thumbmasters, looks like your next rounds of waterfalls and categories will be found somewhere else as the University of Massachusetts has banned all drinking games on campus. In an attempt to keep Minutemen sober and their livers healthy, the school banned drinking games in dorms, outlawed "taps and funnels" (beer bongs to the laymen), said "no mas tequila" (or Dewers, or schnapps, or Sam Adams, or any alcohol) when 10 or more people are gathered, and (this is probably the biggest kick in the pants)

Students who are 21 or older will be allowed to keep no more than 12 bottles or cans of beer, two bottles of wine or one bottle of hard liquor.

I predict that UMass enrollment will decrease drastically and Harvard admissions will skyrocket as Harvard will come to be known as "The Harvard of Drinking". Or something.

Getting a Dominatrix Off
(AP via ABC News) Tie 'em up, strip 'em down, whip 'em good, die of a heart attack (oops), panic, have your boyfriend chop 'em up and dump 'em in a dumpster. Who else needs a ciagarette? 56 year-old Barbara Asher (aka - Mistress Laura M - yeah, I don't get it either) was acquitted of all manslaughter and dismemberment charges on Jan 30. The Mistress was accused of doing nothing to save one Michael Lord as he was dying from a heart attack while locked in the medieval rack as part of his erotic fantasy (which he had paid Asher to help him act out). However, it doesn't stop there as prosecutors then say that Asher had her boyfriend butcher up Lord and throw him away. Lord's horny remains were never found. Prosecutors say that Asher confessed to all charges during questioning, but they forgot to tape the confession and didn't save their notes? What the hell, bros? To top it off, during his closing arguement, Robert Nelson (the prosecutor) adorned a black leather mask with the zipper mouth and then re-enacted the whole scene for the court. He tied himself to a headboard and then hung his head, as if he was dead (or satisfied). The judge called him back into his chambers and the jury started making out with eachother. Ok, I made that part up. I expect that this will set a precedent for many sexual crimes and make way for new entrepreneurial ventures entitled "Whack and Whacks".

Baseball Season Countdown:
- 31 Days until the World Baseball Classic
- 62 Days until OPENING DAY

And the only things that matter are seen through the Aperture of Andy (or something...I'll work on a sign off that doesn't suck)