Mike, Andy and Derek met last Sunday for an exciting game of basketball. The game was the fourth of the still young JUBL season and was held at an undisclosed loaction.
GAME SUMMARY: I can't lie. This game took place a week ago and it wasn't really that memorable. There weren't any tremendous plays or awesome moments. It was relatively competitve for the first few possessions with each man matching the other point for point. From there Andy took over and continued his hot streak with another JUBL win. I recall Michael wanting to give his own write-up about his performance in game 4 and I welcome him to do so in the comments section. I'll do better on the summary next time. I promise.
I can't remember the last time I posted up on the ole' Johnny U. Did I last leave off with a shoddy political statement or wax intellectual with a dead baby joke? It's difficult to keep track of my mediocrity, and I appreciate my fellow JUSers who consistantly put up good work while I tread water.
I've been a busy boy, world. What with my community theatre play, a tenative visit to LA, and utter lack of originality, I've not been able to update with any regularity or zeal.
But I still have opinions. Here are a couple:
SILENCE IS GOLDEN:
I caught Christophe Gans' SILENT HILL last Sunday with the inimitable Derek Rundgren. It was my choice, and I was nervous. The last movie I picked was the Paul Walker shitfest RUNNING SCARED, and I feared a repeat of that unfortunate affair.
SILENT HILL is 50% awesome and 50% intolerable. The visuals were amazing (imagine Tarsem's THE CELL with shittier lighting, effective design, and actual restraint), but the story was atrocious. I'm not quite sure what was going on, even though a good portion of the film was devoted to unnecessary exposition. It would have made a great silent movie.
The script was written by Roger Avary(co-writer of PULP FICTION, writer/director of KILLING ZOE and RULES OF ATTRACTION), and I was surprised at how lazy and unfocused it was. Avary's work is generally streamlined and concise, but he was either overwelmed by Gans' ambition, or too enamored with his own vision to generate a decisive product.
In the end, SILENT HILL is a movie overloaded with bloat and brimming with misopportunity. But it also contains some of the most searing CGI images yet produced, and I respect the bold attempt at an open ending. See it if you feel the need.
IT IS NOT TOO SOON FOR ME:
I hope I get a chance to see Paul Greengrass' UNITED 93. It's not an experience I plan to enjoy, but it's something I feel I need to do. My level for the heroes of 9/11 is high. The firefighters, police officers, New York citizens, and the passengers of Flight 93 were the very embodiment of the American spirit . I am humbled by their sacrifice, and devastated by the choking reality they faced.
If anyone can do UNITED 93 right (and the reviews say he did), it's Greengrass. His first feature BLOODY SUNDAY is remarkable, and THE BOURNE SUPREMACY is one of the most intense movies of the decade. Paul Greengrass is a powerful filmmaker, and the appropriate choice to bring 9/11 to the screen.
I know I'm repeating myself, but with the AMERICAN IDOL season in full swing, I feel it's time to reiterate a few points:
If you watch AMERICAN IDOL with regularity, if you talk about it at work the next day, or if you watch the nightly news just for the IDOL updates, I doom you tied to the nose of Flight 93 as it performs it's vertical dive toward the Pennsylvanian farming district.
That would wipe out my immediate family and a third of my co-workers, but action needs to be taken.
Who the hell do you people think you are? There's a war going on, there's baseball to watch, there's 600 different Law and Order shows to catch up on. You want to spend your Tuesdays and Wednesdays listening to bubblegum pop and wretched singing? Turn on the fucking radio, or read a goddamned book. You don't need to subject your body to this crap and convince yourself Simon's quips are the epitome of high drama. AMERICAN IDOL is cruise control for the masses, and the road is getting dangerous.
Don't you realize that Carrie Underwood is just a whore that can sing to scale, Clay Aiken is as special as that gay kid who played Tony in your high school's production of WEST SIDE STORY, Ruben Studdard nothing more than a fat tub of Jell-O poop, and Justin Giannnniiinnniii a Carrot-Top clone? Kelly Clarkson gets a free pass because she didn't know any better, but the rest of those assholes have blood on their hands. And so do you, motherfuckers.
OKAY, I'M SORRY FOR THAT LAST SECTION. LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS AGAIN, AND CONNECT THROUGH THE POWER OF MUSIC:
I don't know what the general consensus is on today's music. I'm generally out of touch with what the kids are listening to these days, as I only listen to U2 cover bands and Radiohead b-sides.
But I dig those ARCTIC MONKEYS. Here's a cool little video made from their kick-ass song VIEW FROM THE AFTERNOON. Enjoy, and I'll be back again soon.
Hello children. Let's take a look at what we have today:
NOW SHOW US THEM TITTIES!
Ladies! Would you show this man your bazongas?
What if he knocked on your door saying he was a doctor offering free door-to-door breast exams on behalf of the local hospital? That's what happened in one Miama, Florida neighborhood. Phillip Winikoff, a.k.a. The Awesome Dr. Hooter Handler, is the suspect pictured above and is an awesome 76 years old. He has been charged with sexually assaulting two women in their 30s after being invited in by the women to check their breastaseses. However, one woman became suspicious after "Dr." Winikoff started giving her genitals a thorough looksy without putting on rubber gloves. (I'm guessing her nether regions looked clean so he didn't think he needed them...and that this woman thought it was an all inclusive breast exam?!) The prude lady called the cops and reported Winikoff.
Winikoff was arrested after trying to expand his practice in another neighborhood. A spokesman for the local sheriff''s department had this to say about Winikoff: "Winikoff was not a doctor. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership." That just adds to the awesomenacity of this dude. Although he's creepy and perverted. And a sexual criminal. (Ok, he's not THAT awesome). But he still looks like the man.
I'm not saying I support sexual assault or anything like this at all, but LADIES! Come on now! An old man, looking like that, hell...forget physical appearances! IF ANY man comes to your door saying he's offering free breast exams: YOU DO NOT LET HIM IN! Use some good...or ANY judgement.
However, a dude coming to my door looking like the man offering to feel me up...I'd probably let him in also.
Ahhh. Oklahoma City Police Department. OKCPD. Or is it OPD? Not sure. It doesn't matter. Anyway, after sitting for SEVEN HOURS outside a home involved with a drug investigation, the police decided it was the right time to make a move even though they had had no contact with anyone from inside the house. Units at the scene called in the tactical team, who subsequently made the entrance into the house. They made their entrance only to find: no one was there (cue the trumpet and the "WAH WAH Wah-wah-a-a-a-a").
Good work boys. I guess this was the Keystone Unit of the OKCPD...EFAHDS.
Three of the JUS dudes met on a rainy Thursday for a couple more games in the still young Johnny Utah Basketball League season.
FIRST GAME SUMMARY: Andrew, Andy and Derek met at an undisclosed location this past Thursday. Michael was unable to attend the double-header. The weather was wet and muggy, but the temperature was cool and the conditions were pretty great overall. Andy and Derek got out to quick starts while Andrew lagged behind complaining about "being out of shape" and "how much his legs hurt". Andrew was really never a factor in the first game though his always aggressive defensive style was shown from time to time. Andy and Derek fought it out down to the final bucket with Andy coming out on top for his second consecutive JUBL win.
WINNER: Andy
SECOND GAME SUMMARY: In the second game of the double-header the men involved decided to change up the rules. For those of you who are not familiar with the three man competitive basketball game "21" the rules are simple. The first man to reach 21 points is the winner. Each made basket is 2 points and it earns you a trip to the free throw line where you are given the opportunity to shoot up to three free throws. If you miss a free throw the ball is then up for grabs for the other two dudes playing to rebound. One of the things the JUBL dudes are not very good at is free throws. Because of this a large part of the strategy involved in JUBL games revolves around people purposefully missing free throws by bouncing them hard off the backboard to hopefully get the ball back and acquire another possesion.
Whoa...that was kind of confusing. The point is that for the second game of the double-header Andrew, Andy and Derek decided to outlaw purposeful missing. This would mean that no one could do the crazy bounce the ball off the backboard really hard thing. This would prove to a be a big mistake.
The game began like any other. Andrew was reborn offensively in the second game and was scoring with greater ease. Andy and Derek were scoring well also. Andy blazed ahead at one point using his reliable slashing skills and went to the free throw line with the chance to win the game. He made his first free throw giving him 20 points. He then missed his next one. From here the dudes playing had to consult the official JUBL rule book about what would have to happen. The reason for the confusion is because in order to win you have to have 21 points and after ending up with 20 with no way to get 21 (there are no one pointers remember) Andy was basically screwed. The rule book said that Andy had to keep shooting and that with his next made basket he would return to having 11 points.
This explanation sucks.
At this point Derek and Andrew, surged with confidence about Andy being screwed by his own free throw skills. They too reached the summit and they to wound up with 20 points because they could not hit pivotal free throws.
This game went on forever. It was tragic. All of them reached the 20 point plateau again and Andy even reached it a third time. All three men began to lose their energy for the seemingly unwinnable contest and eventually the game was called on account of a mistake in rule changing. In the end it was decided that the three men would split the points from the game and each would get .33 points. Derek and Andrew were thrilled about this ruling because it would effectively help them to "get on the board" and Andy was pleased because it kept his winning streak alive at 3 games.
WINNER: No winner due to a mistake in rule changing.
**This is a special, spur of the moment Aperture. Warning - contains unusually offensive language from Andy. Just a warning as Andy turned red in the face and just began typing. Thank you.**
You know what I can't stand? Fucking liars.
About a month or two ago Sportscenter put the spotlight on one Jason McElwain, an "autistic", high school basketball team manager. In the closing minutes of a game, in which his team was losing and ultimately lost, Jason was given some pity playing time by his coach. He played four minutes and, like a pimp, sank six 3-pointers. Pimp status quickly faded after this kid got his own stupid Sportscenter segment/report and was shown being carried off the court on the shoulders of his classmates with his deformed, pubescent face all big and stupid. Now, I know I would probably look just as stupid were I to be carried off a court all excited like. But...I'm not a fucking liar.
The report was filled with interviews of Jason's parents and coach crying. It showed his classmates talking some stupid shit and our dear, "autistic" Jason spitting out stupid shit. Stupid shit like "I was on fire." and then smirking and sitting there filled with a vomit-inducing, smug ass look on his face and this attitude that he was "the shit". Just to recap: Jason claims he has autism. Having autism does NOT yield you "the shit" status.
Definition of autism (as defined by Houghton Mifflin): A psychiatric disorder of childhood characterized by marked deficits in communication and social interaction, preoccupation with fantasy, language impairment, and abnormal behavior, such as repetitive acts and excessive attachment to certain objects. It is usually associated with intellectual impairment.
Ok, so let me get this straight. The kid is maybe dyslexic. He stutters and mumbles. Maybe he likes shiny things and is shy a few IQ points. I don't think these are things that keep him from being an average basketball player. Shit, most athletes are practically borderline retarded...intelligence wise. Let's face it: Jason sucks at basketball. Just like most of us. So, the kid was rightfully the team manager. The coach felt sorry for him and put him in and the kid gets a lucky streak going. He's not the poor soul with down syndrome who is the awesome team manager that everyone loves. THAT would be an incredible story! No. This kid, in all his camera time and interviews exhibits NO noticeable symptoms. He goes unguarded in the last minutes of a game. Where his team is getting destroyed. Where the other team, as Derek JUS points out, has put in their equivalent...the 3rd string bench warmers who have as much playing time as "J-Mac". They're stuck guarding the "retard". Shit. The kid wishes he was a retard. But yeah. Who wants to guard the special ed kid? So the kid has wide open looks and gets lucky. Then, the kid thinks he's the fucking man??? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I've never been more pissed off at the tv in my life. And now, today I open up my Yahoo! Homepage and what do I see? The headline: "Autistic hoops star scores movie deal". Oh my sweet crap! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
That's going to be the most awful movie since Corky Romano. The movie's going to end with this want to be "disordered person" making some 3-pointers and his team still losing the game! WHAT?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! No check that. Hollywood will saw off one of his legs, give him an eye-patch, AIDS, say his father abandoned him at birth when he learned the kid would never speak, and for some reason give him the speaking skills of an ape with mush in his mouth. And then his ugly ass parents will make fat bank off of him. Just look at his parents. The dad is gangly as hell. The mom is just plain ugly and passed on her burn victim good looks to her annoying ass son. This kid better enjoy what he's getting now because in time he'll be revealed as a fraud. He's as "retarded" as some high frat asshole.
I'm telling you. The kid's not even disordered. We've all seen Rain Man. Maybe Jason's "savant talent" is tickling the twine. Which would be awesome. But this kid isn't awesome and he's not that lucky. I'm dead serious. The kid's a fucking liar. Fine...maybe he is autistic. I think this kid is barely autistic. If this is true I'm proposing that we get rid of autism as a disorder. Now, I know there are people with serious disorders. They will be reclassified with a new disorder. However, Jason and people like Jason will no longer receive special treatment.
He'll no longer be Jason: "the basketball team manager because he has autism". He'll be Jason: "the team manager because he can't hack it day in and day out". He'll be like the rest of us. Admit it. Would YOU want someone to make a movie of you? How fucking boring would that be?
So to sum up. Fuck this kid. He's an asshole and a liar.
And that's the world through the aper-aper-aper-ture of Adyn. Definitely. Defintely Andy.
Hey Hey. Hello my JUhSers. Sorry I've been away. I'm going to purposely ignore comments made by one Andrew (JUhS) and just get on with it:
From the files of: "Whatever Happened to...?" I bring up these once all-to-famous names...!
Nikoloz Tskitishvili - NBA Forward 2002 - #1 Draft Pick (5th overall) of Denver Nuggets. 2005 - Declared Free Agency 2005 (uhh later than previous 2005) - Signed by Minnesota Timberwolves
Career Averages - 3.0 Points/Game, 1.8 Rebounds/Game, 0.7 Assists/Game, 0.3 Blocks/Game, .303 Field Goal%
Where is he now: Traded to Phoenix Jan of 2006 where he is constantly laughed at by the injured Amare Stoudemire, who was still on the board when Denver chose Tskitishvili. But, his allergies are enjoying the dry, aridness of the Phoenix deserts.
Overall...NOT AWESOME! #1 pick?! Think Denver is kicking themselves for NOT picking Amare Stoudemire, Tayshaun Prince, or...shit...even Dan Dickau (all of whom were drafted after darling Nik). In all truth. This guy sucks. He never did anything to actually deserve this recognition or spotlight. ...Except be born "Nikoloz Tskitishvili" and have his name called out a lot on NBA Live (bang boom, whatcha gonna do?)
Darryl Kile - Major League Baseball Pitcher
1993 - Pitched a freaking no-hitter for the Houston Astros 2000/2001 - St Louis Cardinals pitching staff ace 2000 - 20 Game Winner for St. Louis Cardinals 3 Time All-Star
MAN! After putting together an awesome early career, struggling after being traded to Colorado, and then putting it back together in The Lou you'd think this dude would still be kicking some ass in the Majors. But no.
Man. Whatever happened to Darryl Kile?
....oh
From the Files of: "Separated at Birth"... One is a 9-time All-Star, World Series MVP, multi-Cy Young winner, and is approaching 300 career wins as a pitcher in Major League Baseball. The other is a 4-time WWF/E Heavyweight Champion, 6-time WWF Tag Team Champion and has a perfect 14-0 Wrestlemania Record. They are the New York Mets' Tom Glavine and professional wrestler The Undertaker (a.k.a. - Mark Calaway, a.k.a. - The Phenom, a.k.a. - American Bad Ass, a.k.a. - Kane...sometimes).
However, few people know that they are actually twins abandoned at birth and separated by adoption. Look it up. Most sources will tell you that Tom Glavine was born on March 25, 1966 and that Mark Calaway was born on March 24, 1965. This is incorrect. Mark was born at 11:59 of March 24th. Tom was born at 12:01 March 25th. So, that part is correct. However, at the age of 17, after making the decision to become a professional wrestler, Mark was forced to lie on an application about his date of birth. He merely rolled back one year on his year of birth to 1965 so that he could meet the requirement of being 18 years of age to enter an amateur wrestling match in hopes of impressing some professional scouts. The rest, as they say is history.
I submit these photos as proof. Of course, Mark is much larger as he started a very rigorous weight lifting/weight gaining program. He also took assloads of 'roids. Tom, however, is al-natural. See for yourself...
Pretty amazing, huh?
Here's this picture they took together after "big brother" Mark convinced Tom to join him in some wrestling fun:
It's uncanny!!!
Oh man! Well...that's it for now. You will surely find this pleasing to your....eyes.
And that's the world through the aperture of Andy!!!
The founding dads of the Johnny U are not only the spokesdudes of our time. They are also athletes. Kick-ass, non-sucky, nimble, talented athletes. For the past couple summers these great men have played in a recreational basketball league that they themself created. It is the Johnny Utah Basketball League or JUBL.
Throughout the on-again-off-again-we-can-only-play-when-we're-not-busy-doing-other-important-things basketball season we will give you guys updates on the games that take place. We know that this information is totally worthless to the general public, but we just don't care.
The innagural game of the 2006 JUBL season was played this past Sunday.
SUMMARY: Andy, Michael and Derek came out to the undisclosed sun drenched outdoor court of their choosing (Andrew was undoutbedly busy doing blow in a bathroom stall somewhere in New York City). Derek leapt out to a large lead but soon became fatigued due to a mixture of him being an out of shape bitch and the extreme heat. Michael and Andy were soon neck and neck with Derek. Michael through the strength of his fifteen foot set shots and Andy through his majestic slashing skills overtook Derek before they too began feeling the raw power of the elements. Derek fought back and came a basket from winning before Andy used drive after drive to reach point number 21. 21 and a victory.
It's time once again for me to spill some knowledge for you guys. Impress your friends and coworkers and kids with these mighty fine facts.
KNOWLEDGE #4 Date My Mom is a fucked up disaster of a show.
Please forgive my harsh language but the television show Date My Mom on MTV is just obscene. A dude goes on three "dates" with three chicks' moms. After these "dates", which are chock full of straight-up-disgusting innuendos and double entendres. The moms and daughters have these bullshit pre and post date "candid conversations" that are so staged it makes me wish someone would step on my neck. Here's a sample:
MOM: Hi honey, I'm home. DAUGHTER: Hi, how was the date? MOM: It was great, we went to a car show and then we went topless. DAUGHTER: WHAT MOM (obviously exaggerating her reaction)?? MOM: It's ok honey, we were just rising in a convertible.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- Fucking pathetic.
Then at the end of the show the three moms get together with the dude and they have a four way sex mess. No, they don't do that (at least not on camera...ersh), instead they meet on a beach or some other stock location and then the dude picks, based on the moms, which chick he wants to date. It's just a real mess.
I could pontificate on how shitty it is for a few more paragraphs but i won't. Just trust me.
KNOWLEDGE #5 Top Gun sucks.
I'm gonna keep this one concise. Top Gun is a bad movie. A really bad movie. Kenny Loggins is a bad ass and everything but not even his righteous tunes can rescue this overrated pile of shit.
I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledges to comment.
If you care at all about baseball ... nay, about America and all mankind, you will read Chuck Klosterman's most recent Page2 article. You may have seen this on ESPN.com's front page, but it's a much more poignant experience when viewed through the U. Without further ado:
Today I am going to to drop some knowledge for you kids. Some things you guys should know. Pay close attention and tell your friends and neighbors.
KNOWLEDGE #1 Patrick Swayze is inside of every white limousine you see on the street.
Anytime you see a white limo, inside of it, is Patrick "She's like the wind" Swayze. If you see 2 white limos at one time he is in both. I know it's weird, but it's true.
KNOWLEDGE #2 Wesley Snipes is inside of every black limousine you see on the street.
This is the same general principle as the Swayze/white limo continuum thing. Any black limo contains Wesley "Always betting on black (limos)" Snipes. For many years it was believed that the black limos were uninhabited but fellow-Johnny-U-Founding-Dad-Dude Andy recently informed me that Wesley Snipes did in fact reside in pretty much all of them. Andy, like me, is wise and reads countless periodicals of note so his knowledge on this matter is concrete fact.
KNOWLEDGE #3 Krull is the 14th greatest movie ever made.
If you line up all the movies ever made and then rank them using an intricate scale of factors that is too complicated for me to fully discuss you will realize that the 1983 film Krull is the 14th best. It's got Liam Neeson, a dude that looks like Swayze in the lead, a cyclops, special effects that the Pope once said were "more awesome than this whole religion thing I'm into", a goofy magician, and a kick ass chinese star looking thing. Oh, there is also the plot, which will fucking drown you in awesome juices. A bad ass alienish thing falls to the planet and these evil alien things start taking over. Swayze look alike dude and his special lady are set to wed but the alienish things mess those nuptials up. They kidnap the special lady and then Swayze, with the help of kick ass Chinese Star looking thing, Liam Neeson, a cyclops, a creepy old blind dude, a goofy magician (I guess he's really a wizard...but who cares), and some sweet special effects have to go to something called "The Black Fortress" to rescue her. That synopsis alone has got me sweaty. Krull is tits.
While watching the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball Game between the Cards and Cubs tonight (April 9th), my mind wandered upon a good 6 minute chain of thoughts about baseball. Here they are...
1.) As a joke to fellow JUhS founding father, Derek, I offered up the opinion that since Albert Pujols lost his third base eligibility in our fantasy baseball league he's lost all value. I, of course, was joking (or was I? look it up!). Derek found it amusing:
Derek: "haha"
I then offered it to David and Mark (the 2 other contestants in our league). David agreed:
David: "You do speak truths"
Mark, however, thought I was serious and offered me his counterargument:
Mark: "I don't know about that. Hitting for a high average with good power numbers is pretty solid" Me (continuing my playfully sarcastic argument): "Not when you only play 1 position." Mark: "Well i think with Pujols you get consistancy which you need from your higher picks. You know he's gonna hit for like .335 with 40 some HRs with 120 RBIs and a shitload of runs scored. No contract disputes, trade rumours or anything."
Thank you Mark for winning me over. Pujols truly IS a fantasy baseball gold mine.
2.) After connecting with what would end up being a 3-run homerun, Jacque Jones flipped his bat in Brett Boone "Booney Bat Flip" stylee.
Derek: "Gah Jacques needs to not flip the bat" Andy: "How do you figure?" Derek: "Flipping the bat is fucking lame. Especially when you're a second tier guy like Jok." (Jok = Jacque Jones)
This inspired me to offer up what I would do upon smacking a long one. I think it would be humerous (and show my street side) if, as I watched the ball leave the playing field, took the bat to my lips and proceeded to take fat hits from the bat as if it were a fat blunt. How awesome would that be? A dude sitting there toking up from a 34 inch bat as if it were a 34 inch marijuana cigarette? HOW AWESOME?!
I'd then run the bases and then upon completion of said rounding I'd stand at home plate and yell at the umpire, catcher, fans and DEA:
"That was a FAT HIT!" or "HITS FROM THE BAT?!?"or "Fat Louisville Blunt!" or something like that. I'd probably then gratuitously hump the ground and a cardboard cut out of the pitcher's mother.
3.) My train of though ended with this: What I would do if I were a Sportscenter anchor and I was narrating a highlight of some dude...say Juan Pierre (to continue with the Cards/Cubs theme) laying down a bunt. What if I were to say:
"And Pierre takes a fat hit from the blunt." Then (or maybe before the bunt is laid down) I'd make a lound and long tight-lipped inhaling sound followed by a cough as if I were taking a drag from some tightly rolled bud. I'd become the most popular Sportscenter anchor since Craig Kilborn and Keith Olberman combined.
So yeah. I hadn't posted in a while and figured I'd waste your time with this entry. What do YOU guys think about ideas above? What would YOU do if YOU hit a homerun? What would YOU do if YOU were a Sportscenter anchor?
Once again, we here at the JUhS enjoy being able to offer a stage for men to express themselves in blog form (we call it whining when women chime in). It seems that our MLB preseason prediction post from last month inspired enough emotion and incited enough energy from a regular reader that he had to make his voice heard. So, without further adieu, we proudly present:
"Royals Will Fuck You. Hard." - by Joshua "Penis" Bradt
"First off, let me introduce myself. I am a long time friend of Johnny Utah, but am a first time writer. I sometimes tune to the symposium to see the comments that my dear friends, and forefathers of this site, have to say about life as they see it. But let me say readers, I’ll tune in no fucking longer. A while back Derek, Andy, Vincent Gallo, Tits Drexler and a bunch of other dickheads decided they knew two shits about baseball. Derek predicted the crappiest team of 2006 would be the Kansas City Royals. Well let me just tell you something folks: The day of reckoning is upon us. The mighty and storied Kansas City Royals franchise will rise from the ashes of mediocrity like a phoenix reaching for the sun. A sun made of boobs.
I know it’s easy to bash a team who had one of the worst seasons in franchise history last year, but let’s not be short sighted with our assessment. The rumor mill is churning, and sources say that both Bret Saberhagen and George Brett are coming out of retirement to whip this team into a winning frenzy. Bret Saberhagen, with his patented “whizz ball” and George “The Pine Tar Punisher” Brett don’t just plan to embarrass the other teams, they plan to make the other teams shit their pants at the mere whisper of Mike “Sweet Swingin” Sweeny’s name.
But how will they do this? Aren’t they too old? What the hell is a Royal anyways? You may ask. Well dear friend, let me elaborate.
A mere 21 years ago the Royals were knighted as the World Champions of baseball. Leading that team’s charge were Saberhagen and Brett. That level of excellence can never fade with time, folks. Look at Jack Lalane, or for a lesser example sports blooper funny man Bob Uecker. Sure they might have gained a little weight, lost a little muscle, and have prostate problems, but as soon as we juice those motherfuckers up and get them on the field, the spark that lights the Royals comeback will be ignited. They will once again become the kings of baseball. Your TV screen will morph into a baby blue blur of home runs, grand slams, and pictures of George Brett flexing in front of the cameras, in attempt, no doubt, to get laid.
So friends, I conclude by saying that cheering for the Royals this season is not an option, it’s your obligation as an American. Not only should you root for the underdog out of principle, but you should do so to prevent the consequences of not cheering for the Royals. Once George Brett and Bret Saberhagen hear about your treason, the steroid rage will kick in and they’ll no doubt visit your home, lube up with big league chew, and spit tobacco juice on your back as they rape you doggy style (AKA Bret/Brett style). So don’t be an asshole, and help bring this team back the respect it deserves."
So, there you have it. How exciting. No more need for running. We're taking it to the streets.
DHS Official Charged in Online Seduction (from Yahoo's Michelle Spitzer)
MIAMI - A deputy press secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was charged with using a computer to seduce a child after authorities said he struck up sexual conversations with an undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl.
Brian J. Doyle, 55, the fourth-ranking official in the department's public affairs office, was expected to appear in court Wednesday afternoon in Maryland and also to be placed on administrative leave.
"He said last night that he was going to waive extradition. If he does that, we may have him back by the end of the week," Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said Wednesday. "He could get to court today and some lawyer may say 'no, you don't want to do that.' The bottom line is we don't know when he's coming back."
Authorities arrested Doyle on Tuesday at his Silver Spring, Md., home as he was online with the "girl." The undercover detective had called Doyle at work and said she got a Web camera, as he had asked her to do, and wanted to test it out, said Carrie Rodgers, Polk County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman.
"He said he would get on the computer when he got home from work so we knew he would be on," Rodgers said. "When (police) went to his door, he was on the computer in the middle of a conversation with the girl."
White House press secretary Scott McClellan called it "a very serious matter."
"I know that the Department of Homeland Security have said they will cooperate fully in the investigation," McClellan said aboard Air Force One as the president was en route to Connecticut for a health care speech. "The individual who was arrested is someone who is a civil servant, and my understanding is that the Department of Homeland Security has placed that individual on administrative leave. These are very serious allegations."
Homeland Security press secretary Russ Knocke in Washington said he could not comment on the details of the investigation.
"We take these allegations very seriously, and we will cooperate fully with this ongoing investigation," Knocke said.
Doyle found the teenager's profile online and began having sexually explicit conversations with her on the Internet on March 14, the sheriff's office said in a statement.
He sent her pornographic movie clips, as well as non-sexual photos of himself, officials said. One of the photos, released by the sheriff's office, shows Doyle in what appears to be DHS headquarters. He is wearing a Homeland Security pin on his lapel and a lanyard that says "TSA." (MIKE NOTE: "Transportation Security Administration.")
The Transportation Security Administration is part of the Homeland Security Department. During online conversations, Doyle revealed his name, who he worked for and offered his office and government-issued cell phone numbers, the sheriff's office said.
On several occasions, Doyle instructed her to perform a sexual act while thinking of him and described explicit activities he wanted to have with her, investigators said.
He was booked into the Montgomery County Detention Center. Doyle also faces a charge of transmission of harmful material to a minor.
There was no immediate response to messages left on Doyle's government-issued cell phone and his e-mail, and he could not be reached by phone at the jail for comment. -------
On days like this, I'm just glad Ariel Sharon has a full skull.
At the JUhS we appreciate the guest columnist. I actually think this may be our FIRST guest columnist...I'm too lazy to read back through the archives. So without further adieu we proudly present: LIZ ZUERKER!!! (Her words will appear in quotes and special colored text and font style)
"Following another delightful episode of Grey's Anatomy. One in which im please to point out that "Robin" from Batman & Robin fame had a guest staring roll. I just didnt think my sunday night could be topped... UNTIL the 10'o'clock news.
Their live opening broadcast was about a grassfire in the Colony. Just a few seconds into the guy's opening monologue an airhorn is heard and then NAKED OLD MAN BUTT! Myself and my friend Lindsaytunes used my TIVO rewind button three times to insure that we had not imagined it, but each time there it was in all its gross glory! That only left us with the question as to how the news guy managed to keep a straight face at the airhorn blowing streaker. I am also please to announce that on WFFA.com, this is a top story right next to some big car crash.
Ladies and Gentleman This is Dallas!"
im very excited about this i have a feeling mike will be pissed because of the greys anat reference but i simply dont care
(That last part was her "off the record" remarks about one of my fellow JUhS Founding Fathers. I just wanted to include those to show how gritty and uncompromising Liz is...and to throw a rock in the machine)
Overall: Great work by one of our favorite readers. Keep up the good work, Liz!
That's the new Internet only trailer for Clerks II, and it's pretty good. There is no way it's going to be as raw and groundbreaking as the original, but it's heart is in the right place (meaning it's going to have lots of dick and fart jokes). Sometimes that's all a movie really needs... Having it's heart in the right place, I mean. Not dick and fart jokes. Though that probably would have helped Mystic River. And maybe The Pianist, too.
Fuck. It's April, and I've only killed one Denton cop. This is a major slump from 2005, when I'd already bagged two Norman officers and a fiji before mid-March.
