Nels' News

It’s a Nels’ News Follow-up.

First of all, how do you know it’s a slow news day? When a station spends three-and-a-half minutes talking about last nights newscast. Watch the play-by-play of the cat attack below.



Now, another, even more shocking development. We’ve all been looking to Big Pooga for the coming invasion, suspecting it would come from the sea. But is it possible that the aquatic army has enlisted land animals to their cause? Perhaps the Cleveland cat attack was some sort of sign, a signal to feline America that the time for vengeance has come.

Case in point.

Could it be that the cats will attack en masse, herding us running and screaming towards the water, where Big Pooga’s aquatic minions will finish the work?

I fear that these attacks are connected, and that they will hearken the beginning of a wave of feline violence the likes of which we can scarce imagine. We must take to the bomb shelters, stock the shelves with food, and wait.

Pray to your Gods.

Nels St. Claire.

Willy Watch: Update

Not to get in the way of Derek's Music Noose post, but I had to bring this to your attention.

Willy strikes again, this time down under. Eric is one of the lucky ones. Again, we must reiterate to you, no water-related activities. Please people, this is a serious issue. Jesus...

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
Dear lord... what is this? Many thanks to the Johnny's Japanese contingent for capturing the beast and killing it. Keep fishing, indeed.

Fish Rebellion: The Report.

"2007 will bring about the end of days": A really long and terrifying report by Derek.

It's been a long time my friends. I've phoned in a few stock posts on silly little nothings while all the time I have been gathering vital intel for this post. This is the big one. This is the report that will open your eyes and encourage you to either take action...or die.

Let's first go back to the past to anticipate the future.

2006 was a grand year. Everyone had a great time buying stuff and laughing and having casual sex with models and things of that variety. However, all the while, certain areas of the Earth were experiencing changes. Fish were becoming unruly. They were killing people.

There was Ian Card, in Bermuda, who got run through by a blue marlin. Mr. Card, being a hoss of ridiculous durability, did not die.

There was that dude in Florida who got slapped by a sturgeon while water skiiing and nearly died.

There was the tragic story of Steve Irwin, who was done in by a stingray in an aquatic accident that experts said was "one in a million".

There was a second ray attack a few weeks later that, conveniently, got very little media attention.

There was the still unsolved case of the Russian man who was killed by some sort of radiation poisoning that may have been caused by him eating some faulty sushi. The poison sushi is the Kamikaze pilot of the rebellious fish world.

On top of those there were the literally thousands of cases of fish attacks, some minor and some extreme, that the government covered up and erased from the public consciousness.

Throughout all of this there has been a central figure. A fish that can talk. A fish known to me only as Big Pooga. A fish that was so bold as to give me numerous audiences throughout the course of the last six months and in these audiences tell me point by point how the fish of the world, a species that outnumbers human beings by a ridiculous margin, were going to rise up and kill all of human kind. He outlined the fish rebellion that started out as a semi-funny story that I presented in gest and has now turned into something that is so much larger than anyone could ever anticipate...or prepare for.

In my final audience with Pooga, in the middle of December, he outlined in detail how the fish would destroy human kind in 2007 and bring about the "end of days". He warned me against posting his words and plans on my "silly little human blog" but I feel like withholding information of this magnitude would be monumentally irresponsbile. So here is an excerpt from my last conversation, with some background notes thrown in.

Q: So Pooga, you've called me back to the water. What is it this time?
A: I want to tell you something Derek. I want to tell you that you don't have much time. You should probably go out and buy some stuff and laugh and fuck some supermodels. I like you Derek, I always have. And while I won't hesitate to kill you along with the rest I want you to enjoy these last few months to their fullest. And my name is not Pooga, it's Willy.

Q: I've been making trips to see you for the past few months and it's always been this doom and gloom line of shit. What are you planning?
*Let it be noted that after I asked this Pooga's eyes appeared to flash red. It's an image that shook me to my very core.
A: In the coming months there will be a number of strange things that will happen. Some will be a part of the plan and some will be acts of diversion. All are calculated measures in the rebellion.

Q: Give me examples.
A: Birds will start dying, just falling out of the sky. Strange smells will start showing up in major cities and no one will be able to explain them. Food will start turning on people by making them sick and ultimately killing them. Fish will continue to attack people. Entire bodies of water will turn to poison. The climate of the Earth will shift and a change in power will finally occur. 2007 will bring about the end of days.

*In recent weeks there have been two cases of mysterious dead birds. First in Austin, Texas a large group of dead birds were discovered. The cause of their death is still undetermined. Then a few days later thousands of birds started falling from the sky in an Australian town. The cause of their death is also unknown. Also, the highly publicized case of the stink in New York City also slots into Pooga's statements.

Pooga and I spoke a while longer on other issues. From the context clues of some of the other things he said I have deduced the fish rebellion plan.

First they are getting together, and in strategically selected areas of the water, organizing ritual fish suicides. The power of thousands of dead fish in one area of the water apparently has the ability to do several different things, depending on the amount and species of the dead fish involved. Certain combinations of dead fish can actually send a geyser of posion gas to the surface area that is strong enough to kill smaller creatures (like birds) but only present itself as a disgusting nuisance to humans (NYC). These posion gas geysers mix into the atmosphere at a certain altitude and stay there. The lasting power of this poison fish gas means that after enough fish suicides there will be enough dead fish toxin in the atmosphere to down all of the birds in the world. From here the inability of any of the world's governments to properly dispose of the bird carcasses will lead to outbreaks of the avian flu. The avian flu will spread through the world fast and kill most everyone in a pandemic fashion. Those that survive will die a slower death due to the fact that so many of the birds that are falling to their deaths are falling into bodies of water, and then contaminating this water. After a time all the Earths water will be contaminated with bird flu and fish toxin and the people that are left will have to survive without any water, which is impossible. The only source of new water, the rain, will also be affected by all of the animal toxins in the atmosphere and the rain will not be suitable to drink after a small amount of time. Resiliant humans may be able to live for a while but the vast majority of the human race will be dead.

2007 will bring about the end of days.

Unless...

CALL TO ACTION!

Unless we go out now and start catching fish. All of the fish. We need to stop doing whatever it is we are doing. Stop working a normal job or managing a family and get to the world saving work of fishing. If we can catch all, or at least most, of the fish in the worlds bodies of water in the next few months and dispose of them properly we may be able to stop this fish rebellion once and for all. It is in our hands.

Pooga may send a fish assassin to kill me for writing this but I felt my duty to the human race was stronger than my safety.

It is in our hands.
-Derek

Weird.

As some of you may or may not know, I live relatively close to (two blocks from) Abbey Road Studios in Northwest London. You know the place.

It's commonly known as a pilgrimmage site for Beatles fanatics throughout the world. Countless fans write endearing graffiti on the white wall directly in front of the studio (seen in the above picture on the left, behind the VW). Imagine my surprise when, walking to work one morning this week, I glanced upon the following inscription:

Amazing. Nevermind the fact that it's actually true (how did he/she know?!). There are two possible explanations.

1) Our organization has grown at an alarming pace, unforseen even by us. We can also surmise that this includes an astonishing international contingent. Wilbur Burris, it seems, was adept at spreading his seed.

2) This is all an elaborate hoax, masterminded by none other than Big Pooga himself. I will leave it to Derek (JUhS), fish killer and self-proclaimed Big Pooga nemesis, to confirm or disconfirm this suspicion. We do know he's recently been operating in the London area...

A startling discovery indeed. Further exploration will be needed to more fully flesh out this story. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.

Take care,
Andrew (JUhS)

A Brief Irritant, A Theory, and English Breakfasts

Hello everyone. Happy consumer holiday season to you. It's me, your least frequent JUhS poster. I have three quick subjects to bring to your attention:

-One-

Umm... look. I feel bad for James Kim and all. I'm sure he was an awesome husband and father. But seriously folks, has it been a slow news week? Here's a shocker: "Coroner: Kim died of exposure, hypothermia."

Let me get this straight. He left the relative warmth and safety of his car (not to mention his family), walked ten miles through the freezing Oregon wilderness in nothing but normal street clothes, and froze to death as a result? ... Well no shit. I'm sorry, but did this surprise anyone? Why is this the top story on cnn.com? Everyone realizes there are - eh - larger issues going on in the world, right? Oh screw it... I can give you one right now.

-Two-

Ready? Here it is. Big Pooga's operation is larger and more sophisticated than we previously thought was possible. He possesses nuclear technology, is recruiting suicide assailants, and may very well be the underground ruler of everyone's favorite upstart nation, Russia. I realize this is quite a statement. Allow me to explain.

That's right. We're going there. You all know the late Mr. Litvinenko. He was killed by sushi laced with the lethal radioactive material polonium 210.* The mainstream media would have you believe the powers-that-be in Moscow wanted Litvinenko, a critic of Putin's administration, killed. Likely, and easy for an average person to accept, but untrue.

I pose the following argument: It was Big Pooga, not Putin, who poisoned Litvy. In the depths of the Baltic sea, BP recruited the most cold-blooded salmon and spicy tuna he could find, convinced them to ingest radioactive material before knowingly subjecting themselves to the sushi knife, and (inexplicably) ensured their delivery to the very Itsu at which Litvy was eating that fateful evening. "Impossible," you say. Not if BP is himself the leader of Russia. The man (or in this case, fish) behind the curtain, if you will. Putin is obviously his puppet, the instrument whereby he will enact his scheme for the destruction of humanity. BP has furthered his operation from rural lakes in the southern US to the former Soviet Union at an alacritous pace. Before long he'll have Russia up and running again, gaining steam. Next thing you know, they'll be united with China. And once the PLA is involved, well, it's all over but the crying.

This should be worrying you, people. Not James Kim's exact location and body temperature when he died. I wouldn't be surprised if BP controls the mainstream media by now. Has Ted Turner made any trips to Russia lately? (Salazar, can you look into this please?) In the meantime, I highly suggest that everyone keep away from sushi. Just to be safe. And no watersports.

-Three-

In complete and utter digression, English food sucks. This is what I ate for breakfast this morning:

Disgusting (but seafood-free).

It's a permanent revolution folks,
Andrew (JUhS)

*statement may or may not be true

For Your Consideration...

Juhsoldiers,

In light of the recent uptrend in global stingray attacks per capita, coupled with the attention gravitating towards the southern African nation of Namibia (due mostly to the Pitt-Jolie offspring -- aka Genesis -- and Snipes' tax evasion, or "filming"), I have reached a startling conclusion. I suggest to all of you that I have, through induction, found where Big Pooga resides; the very location of his headquarters for world domination.

We need look no farther than Namibia itself. I present to you the following exhibits:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B


There you have it. Namibia is clearly shaped like a stingray, Big Pooga's assassin of choice. Coincidence? I think not.

What does this confounding revelation tell us? What should our next course of action be? I don't have the answer folks. But as our good friends in Metallica tell us, "fight fire with fire." And the only way I know to fight the whip of a stingray tail is with the whip of, well ... a whip. You all know what this means.

I beseech you ... help us Whipmaster Charlie. You're our only hope.

Stay the course,
Andrew (juhs)

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion! (update)

The fish rebellion that I have been talking about for the past month took its first high profile casualty a few hours ago.

Steve Irwin, the man better known as "The Crocodile Hunter", was killed by a stingray off the coast of Australia. The stingray stuck Irwin with a barb. The barb pierced his chest and killed him.

Big Pooga could not be reached for comment.

More on this to come.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion!

Friends and Neighbors,

We have got a serious problem on our hands.

A few weeks ago I reported on a story in which a marlin stabbed a dude. The dude was fishing and the whole thing appeared to be an accident. Unfortunately, some new facts have come to light which make me believe that that incident was no accident. It was merely another felled domino in an awesome Domino Rally style domino display. Last week I stumbled upon another article. This article made it pretty clear that we are facing a serious problem.

On August 9, a man in Florida was enjoying his day with a bit of jet skiiing. He was going along minding his own business when a four foot long sturgeon leapt out of the water and knocked the man into the water. This is for realz. The dude would have died had his special lady not been behind him, ready to keep his head above water until paramedics could airlift him out.

The same article also reveals that in April, on the same body of water (the Suwannee River) a three foot sturgeon sent a woman to the hospital when it jumped out of the water and into her boat. Officials are trying to downplay this whole thing by claiming that a few of these fish jumping "accidents" happen annually but that, unfortunately, is not the truth.

Last week I, hungry for the truth, went down to Florida to do some digging (digging in this case has nothing to do with National Dig in the Dirt Week...oh and that has been expanded as well...it's now National Dig in the Dirt Month...just FYI). I asked countless local fisherdudes about the strange happenings on and around the Suwannee River. One fisherdude told me that the two incidents I was mentioning were not the result of seperate fish. He claimed that the sturgeon who jumped in the boat in April was the same sturgeon who busted the jet skiier in the eye in August. This fisherdude was as wise as the desert is hot.

"That mother-fuckin' fish must've growed like a damn foot. It was about three feet in April and then in August it was a little more than four. That sturgeon's been eating human flesh...that's what's doing it."


Wait, the fish are eating humans? The wise old fisherdude went on to tell me that this one infamous sturgeon, which he called Big Pooga, could talk and had told him that "it was mother-fucking time for a change". Wise Old Fisherdude told me that he spoke to Big Pooga at length and Pooga laid out a full plan on how he was gonna rally the schools and lead the fish in a fish rebellion. The fish, after eating some human flesh...and absorbing some human powers, will overtake the human species and rule the world. Pooga had told him that, "the world is mostly water anyway...right?".

Admittedly, I was still skeptical at this point. I asked the Wise Old Fisherdude why Big Pooga had decided to just chat it up with him as opposed to eat his flesh. At this query, Wise Old Fisherdude rolled up the pant leg on his Bugle Boy Jeans and revealed a righteous pegleg. Whoa.

After I interviewed other fisherdudes I discovered that the marlin incident was linked and that the government has been trying to cover up countless other fish related attacks. The reason for the cover up is simply that if the public knew, the public would "fucking shit their pants". An incident with a school of clownfish (yeah, the ultra-cute Nemo fish) sinking a mid-sized yacht, and evsicerating the crew left me especially shaken.

I finally convinced the Wise Old Fisherdude to arrange a meeting with me and Big Pooga. We met near the shore on the southeastern corner of the Suwannee. I kept my distance and he kept his reponses short. I asked him only 4 questions. That was all it took to know.

Q: Are you leading a fish rebellion to take over the world?
A: Yes.

Q: How long do we, as humans, have left?
A: Months.

Q: What kind of a stupid fucking name is Big Pooga?
A: My name is Willy, not Big Pooga. The Wise Old Fisherdude is a stupid drunk asshole. He is unreliable, foul smelling and a poor wingman at a bar. He will not drive you to your girlfriends house if she calls you. He will not look you in the eye when he talks to you. He is a snake and his leg tasted like ass. I plan on making a hat out of his ribs once a few more steps to my rebellion come to fruition.

Q: Do you have a wrath?
A: Oh yes, and you will all feel it.

So there you have it. We've got "months" before everything we know changes.

Save everyone you can.
-Derek