Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Newt Gingrich

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

--A Day in the Life: Newt Decides to Run for President--

[Alarm sounds - digitized rendition of "God Bless America"]

[Newt hits the snooze button]

[5 minutes pass - repeat]

[5 more minutes pass - repeat]

[Another 5 minutes pass - Newt, in a fit of rage, throws alarm clock into wall - causes dent]

Newt: Fuuuuuck. I am tired. What the fuck am I gonna do today?

[Newt pulls flask from under pillow - takes swig]

Newt: Yes... *burp* ... hell yes.

[Newt takes Time magazine from night stand]


Newt: I am so ... awesome. Honey, look at this. Look at how awesome I am. Honey ... honey look.

Callista: [half asleep] I know baby ... I ...

[Newt dead-legs his wife]

Newt: Bitch, get up! Time to check for lumps! Shirt off, arms up!

Callista: [fully awake] Baby, we did this yesterday ...

Newt: Do I need to remind you about our little contract?

[Newt consults Contract with Wife, Third Edition displayed on night stand]

Newt: Honey, you know I can't be president if you've got the cancer. Come on, get 'em out.

[Newt checks his wife for breast cancer - finds nothing]

Newt: Clean. Good. You're good.

[Newt begins singing "My Humps"]

Callista: Baby, you know I get upset when you do that. Please, that joke is so played out.

Newt: [singing] ... my lovely lady lumps ... check it out!

Callista: New-new...

Newt: Honey, shut up, you know it's all in the contract. [taps on contract] You know what? It's time. Today I'm going to announce my candidacy.

Callista: Newton...

Newt: It's for the good of America. I'm running for president.

Callista: Are you sure that's such a great idea? Maybe you should stick to writing for a while.

Newt: I'll be running against a fake Republican who lives with the gays, Cancer McCancer-face, and some Mormon named Mitt.
I. Can't. Lose.

Callista: [pause] I want a divorce.

Newt: Fine. I was cheating on you anyway. Come on, Jerry. Let's go.

[Jerry Falwell jumps out of bedroom closet - completely nude except for throw pillow]

Jerry: Newt! Jerry! 2008!

Newt: Hells yeah!

Jerry: Hallelujah!

[They high-five - Kiss - Freeze frame]


SCENE.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Joe Biden (26 days)

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.


Meet Joseph Robinette (!!) Biden, Jr.

Joe is a six-term Senator (D) from the state of Delaware and 2008 presidential hopeful. Frankly, we here at the Johnny have more important things to do (The Takeover is nigh) than delve into the political history of a fringe candidate, so forgive us if our facts are ... fuzzy. But we do know this: Joe, highly respected as a senior legislator, is widely regarded as one who speaks his mind. "Great," you might say, "I'm looking for that sort of candor in my candidate." No. You're really not. This guy will literally say the first thing that bubbles to the surface. There's not a filter with Joe. No QC, to put it in JUhS terms.

Case in point, this widely publicized quote, uttered at the birth of Joe's candidacy. He had this to say regarding his highly-touted opponent, Barack Obama:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy ... I mean, that’s a storybook, man. Barack is my NEGRO, negro! Do you feel what it is that I am saying to you?"

Hold on there, buddy. We appreciate the use of colloquial banter. But Obama's Kanshawaikenyillindonesian posse will fuck you up Joe. We'd be careful. The multicultural gangstas are the ones you want to watch out for. Globalization. A president's got to know about these things.

Look ... the US had (and in all likelihood, still has) loads of racist lawmakers. But unless you were actually alive when slavery was around, you can't let voters know about it. Come on, you worked in the same Senate as Strom Thurmond. He got a pass for being 100. You don't.

Another example, this time on Indian-Americans:

"I've had a great relationship. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking ... They talk funny. And seriously, what's the deal with that dot on the forehead? Am I right? No joke, people."

You blew a great exit strategy here. Never actually tell anyone that you're "not joking." Even the most egregious verbal gaffes can be fixed with a simple "I was joking."

Upon further inspection, it appears Joseph needs a little more help with the whole Think-Consider-Speak deal.

Take this, just last week, to John Edwards:

“Cancer? Are you kidding me? And then he bumps up ten points in the polls. I mean, I love Johnny, he's my boy. But ... cancer? Screw it, I'll give my wife cancer. Where ... come here. Someone blow some smoke in her face. Strap a cell phone to her neck. I don't know. Line her sheets with asbestos. Shave that bitch's head! I'll give my wife cancer too, John. Don't fuck with me."

The lesson here is clear. Joe may be a pleasant, hard working, plain speaking guy. For good or for ill, he unabashedly speaks what he feels. Admirable? Yes. Noble? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely not. Get in the fucking game JB. You have to lie your ass off on the political battlefield.

Joe, what you need is a Head of QC. The Johnny Dads, perfect candidates though we may be, aren't available. But we can set you up with some interviews.

"Holla" at us.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - John Edwards

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

JUhS readers, we present to you here today a very, very special guest contributor to preview Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards. She's an accomplished columnist, author, blogger, television pundit, radio personality, actress, national sex symbol and professional sadist. Please welcome ... Ann Coulter.


Every warm-blooded, non-terrorist male just came in his pants.

And probably some of the ladies out there too.

Now, while the Johnny is a strictly apolitical blog, we can make no such guarantee for Ann and her guest post. We hear she leans slightly to the right. Kind of like Jade's dick.

Without further ado, Ann...

...


"AAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGGGRRRGHHHHHGG
AAAAAAARGRGRHRGRGRGHHHHHRRRGGGG
RRRRAAAFFFFGGGRRRRBBBRRGGGGHHHHH
ROWWWLLLLRRRRRGGRRRRAAAABBBBHHHH
JOHN EDWARDS IS A FUCKING FAGGOT!!!!!
AAAAAARRRRHHHHHGGGGGRRRGHHHHHGG
AAAAAAARGRGRHRGRGRGHHHHHRRRGGGG
RRRRAAAFFFFGGGRRRRBBBRRGGGGHHHHH
ROWWWLLLLRRRRRGGRRRRAAAABBBBHHHH"



Wow ...

Scathing.

Thanks Ann!

After receiving a post full of such sexy, sexy animosity, we thought it was only fair we give the John Edwards camp a chance to retort.

And, wouldn't you know it, look who they sent:


It's Isaiah Washington, from Grey's Anatomy! Here's what he submitted to us:

"Listen up. I know a faggot when I see one. Alright? John Edwards is not a fag.

Ann. Call me, bitch."

With people like him on your team, John, we think you'll go far.

If you would like to support Mr. Edwards' campaign, feel free to attend a rally in San Antonio at the Sunset Station Depot. It's tomorrow, March 7th, at 5:00pm. But keep an eye out for Ann, she'll be looking to destroy you. Sexually.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Mitt Romney

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

You may or may not have heard by now, but on November 4, 2008 the United States is electing a brand new president. That's a mere 622 days away. That's less than 15,000 hours. Don't lose your shit just yet. This sort of thing tends to sneak up on people, so we won't blame you for falling behind. But seriously, it's time to get off your ass and throw down fisticuffs in the political arena.

The Johnny made a promise to you, its readers, to be even bigger and better in 2007. Allow us to make good on that promise by providing you with the know-how and weaponry necessary to become a formidable political warrior. Consider us the brass knuckles for your weak, pasty girl fists (think Clay Aiken). When we're done with this preview, you'll have rock hard man fists (think Rocky on steroids). With a sweet pair of brass knuckles. And when some election pollster wanders up to you on the street asking "Hi, which candidate do you support blah blah blee blah...", instead of stammering like a halfwit with a blank stare on your face, you can smash said pollster in the face and scream "OBAMA, YOU LITTLE BITCH! WHAT!?" And you thought politics was boring.

Instead of pummelling your face with a jackhammer and laying it out all at once, these will be released periodically. We'll shoot for weekly installments, but if you follow the JUhS at all you know how these things tend to turn out.

Alright, let's start this thing off with ... Mitt Romney.


First things first, Mitt is a fucking awesome name.

Mitt. Immediately evocative of baseball, the musky smell of glove leather, and all that is right and good in America.

Mitt. Fuckin' A.

Unfortunately, the list of positive things we have to say about the guy ends with his first name. This is not encouraging. Romney, as far as last names are concerned, is a poor follow-up to Mitt. His first name is like a Mavs-era Steve Nash lobbing up a perfectly placed pass near the rim waiting to be ooped. His last name is Shawn Bradley botching the play, missing the put back, and hustling back on defense before getting dunked on by someone two feet shorter than him. A poor follow-up.

Hey, guess what else he has in common with Shawn Bradley? That's right, they're both Mormon. But he's not just any Mormon. He did his missionary work in France. He's a French Mormon. First of all, if there are any two things Americans hate, it's Mormons and the French. So right off the bat we know this man can't be president. And secondly, why the hell are you doing your mission in France? You should be going somewhere badass and dangerous like Bolivia or the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Not France.

We have one more slight problem with Mitt. And you're gonna have to take this with a grain of salt because, well, he is a politician and all. But Mitt is a fucking liar. Let's take a look at a featured quote on the front page of his campaign website.

"America's greatest innovation is freedom. Without freedom, we have nothing. With freedom, nothing can hold us back."

Hmmhm ... that's funny. Mitt is opposed to abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage, and ... let's see here ... oh, and freedom. Sort of waters down that quote a little bit, doesn't it Mitt? You lying d'bag. Go back to Utah.

Badass first name though. We like where you're headed with that.

Romney for President, Inc. will begin airing television ads today in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Michigan and Florida. If you would like to contribute to his campaign, you probably weren't reading well enough. Start again from the top and read better this time.

UPDATE: Sorry Mitt, we have one more nice thing to say about you. Your wife is hot. Nice work, you fucking frog.