Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: Fuck the editors. I circumvented those mother-fuckers.


Enough is enough.

The four no-dick, sacks of shit that supposedly run this blog have done enough fucking around. I've been submitting articles to this e-rag for months now and none of them have been getting published. And when something does get published it's some trite chronicle of how "bad ass" and "awesome" these fuckin' guys are. I'm tired of the fiction. This blog needs to get fucked again and the cock that's gonna do it belongs to me.

With that said. Let's talk about some upcoming movies.

Witless Protection
I'm not even going to watch the TRAILER for this pile of burning human carcasses. I don't need to. Let me give some credit to Larry the shit-eater though. This guy really knows how to sell the same fuckin' joke over and over for years at a time. Sitting through this would be an exercise in recycling food. I'd fuckin' puke, eat the puke (cause that'd be more fun and interesting than watching this sandpaper gloved handjob of a movie) and puke again. I'm gonna be fuckin' sick. I wouldn't mind fucking the chick on the poster though but that's not the issue here.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Leatherheads
George Clooney. George fuckin' Clooney. Let me just explain my disgust for this guy real fast. I'm sure you've all heard of a movie called Ocean's 11. Not the original with Frankie S. but the update with George Clooney and Casey Affleck. I was in negotiations for the lead in that movie when fucking George Clooney comes in the room, takes out his dick and says, "cast this dick". Of course that cunning sack of shit got the part. The TRAILER for this Leatherheads thing looks like garbage though. Who fucking cares about sports. Or history. It's all about trusting the present and fucking embracing art. Now my blood is up.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

In the Name of The King
Uwe Boll is a fucking genius. Ghandi is bullshit. Sexy Beast is bullshit. The House of Sand and Fog is TOTAL bullshit (and Ron Eldard can suck my fuckin' dick). The best Ben Kingsley performance of all time was in Boll's under-appreciated masterwork, Bloodrayne. He was just so raw. The TRAILER makes it look like we can expect a similarly stunning turn out of Ray "I peaked with Unlawful Entry" Liotta. We'll see though.

Thumbs Up Really High.
A lot of Stars.

The Johnny Utah editors can't fuckin' stop me anymore so you can expect to hear from me. Lots. Hugs and kisses. Go fuck yourselves.

-Vincent Gallo

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to flirt online

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to encourage everyone to read the article that Mr. Gallo is plagiarizing. It can be found here. It really sucks.


That's right you fuckin' bastards. I'm back. Back from the fucking dead. I was submitting articles to this shitty blog for the last like two months but Derek, that fucking hack, wasn't posting them. Maybe one of these days he'll release them as the "Lost Gallo Articles" or some other commercialized bullshit thing. I hate that guy. I hate this blog. I hate skiing. I hate-

Oh wait...you guys want to know how to flirt online. Fine. Here's some tips.

1. Humor is your ally.
Basically what this means is that if you're funny you'll get fucking laid. If you're not funny you can go ahead and service yourself for the millionth time. If you're not funny you may as well go ahead and swallow some fucking bullets, because you're never gonna get fucking laid. Unless you're rich. Or a rapist. Next tip.

2. Keep it simple.
Don't talk a bunch of shit about how you know every fucking character in the whole goddamn Star Wars universe. Don't brag about how you can do some ghoulish shit like stapling your dick to your stomach. No one cares about the fact that you're a fuckin' freak. Tip one tells you that people just want you to be funny. Not interesting. Fucking funny.

3. Hand out compliments.
Examples:
"Hey bitch, you look unfat in your picture."
"You look so good that I actually don't want to kill you."
"I want to fuck you."

You know, compliments. Use your fuckin' head.

Here's a little bonus for you shit kids. I'm gonna go ahead and list some questions that you pathetic, spineless mother-fuckers can use when your too chicken-shit to meet someone face to face and you want to simply email them until you get whatever fucked up jollies you can from a relationship as weak and pointless as that. Put a few of these in an email and let the object of your e-affections do the rest.

*Where did you get that fantastic smile?
*What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
*Have you seen Buffalo '66? You should. It's great.
*How long have you played guitar?
*Why are you so fucking ugly?
*What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
*Do you fuck in the ass?

With the fuckin' tips I've laid out for you shitty, fucking, fat-fuck, mother-fuckers you should be able to score some Internet sex in no time. Cyber sex? That's what it's called right? This shit is disgusting.

-Vincent Gallo

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


Well, well, well. It's that fuckin' time again you shitty fucks. I know you guys normally rely on me to give you guidance on everything from how to get a woman off to quilting but today I've got something a little different planned for you. I'm gonna throw some opinions at you. This is some shit you fucks can talk about at the water cooler or the fucking bullshit commercialized coffee bar. Go up to your shitty fat-fuck coworker pals and tell them all about what "Crazy Vinny" said on the J-Tah. If you call me Vinny though I'll take out my dick, shave my ass, and fuck you. Just so you know.

Let's talk about movies. I'm gonna talk about some upcoming releases and then give you guys my thoughts on them. I don't know what else to fuckin' say right here. On with the movies.

Stay Alive
The plot of this movie seems to be pretty clear. It's about a videogame that is fucking alive and killing all of the sad sack fucks who are playing it. The game is called "Stay Alive". This shit looks pathetic. In the TRAILER it shows a bunch of stupid assholes sitting in a room playing some game. I think I saw Franklin "Malcolm in my fuckin' Middle" Muniz in there. I did blow with that motherfucker in the bathroom at the Roxy like three years ago. He looked up at me and told me he was like 13 so I spat on him and ran. I have a firm hatred of that tiny motherfucker and anything he touches so on that criteria alone I'll be staying away from this fuckin' garbage. Another problem I have with this tripe is that Stephen Dorff is not involved in anyway. I didn't think you could make a shitty horror flick these days without at least getting Dorff's blessing. Fuck it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Basic Instinct 2
Oh shit. You mean to tell me that the fucked up sex crazed bitch from BI-1 is back and she's actually got the same shit going on? What are the fucking chances there? Fuck this bullshit. This is a prime example of movies and the whole worthless fuckin' industry just fucking itself to make money. I'm sure that fat-fuck Ebert will love this shit though. Put some non-simulated cock sucking in a movie (see The Brown Bunny ) and watch out. Get some realness in there and people are all up in fuckin' arms but bring out Sharon Stone's antique tittys and everyone's popping fuckin' boners. Whoa. I got a little flustered there. Sorry about that. I just hate Roger Ebert. Lots. I watched the TRAILER and I kept wondering in my mind "why they would fuckin' make this shit". This is why I'm focused on music now. Oh, and who the fuck is David Morrissey? Fuck this shit all day.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Oh fuck. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck? FUCK! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WHITE-TRASH FUCK? IS THIS SHIT FUNNY?

Watching the TRAILER for this movie made me want to buy a pony and train it to fuck the daughter that I don't claim but undoubtedly have. If I, while watching this trailer, had held the cure to all fo the world's woes I would have shat on that cure and said FUCK THE MISERABLE WORLD THAT WOULD YIELD THIS FUCKING SWILL.

Shit like this makes me wanna go back to killing.

Thumbs Down.
Less than None Stars.

My blood pressure is up. Stay away from film. Go out and get fucked instead.

-Vincent Gallo

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to offend people

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We pleaded with Mr. Gallo to not post this particular entry. It is not journalistic and it is not informative. Mr. Gallo took out a ball of hair and just pointed at it. He said "D'you want to eat this?" We, as it turns out, did not want to eat it so here is his column. We apologize.


Hey there shitbirds. It's me and I'm gonna teach you a little bit about a little bit. Gather round the campfire and suck my dick. Listen up. So you want to offend some people? You wanna make some mother-fuckers get all up in arms about some shit? Well here is a step by step way to make that happen.

1. Type (or yell, if being done in a public setting) the following word:

CUNT

That's all there is to it. Goodnight you fucks.

-Vincent Gallo

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to throw an incredible Super Bowl party

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. Oh, and a special thanks to ehow.com for its knowledge...and its patience.


Uh oh. It's that mother-fuckin' time again. Time for me to help you shits out by teaching you things. This time around I'm gonna give you guys some tips on how to throw a Super Bowl party that is so fucking incredible your friends' heads will explode...or something. On with it then.

The first fucking thing you want to do is get a goddamned life. Remember that this fuckin' "Super Bowl" thing is just a sports game. You could be spending your time doing important things. EXAMPLES: Hanging out with Rick Rubin, walking the streets of New York, drafting anti-immigration policy, kissing, skinning, and writing checks with your mouth that your body can't cash.

If you don't want to listen to my advice then follow these easy fuckin' steps to have a great time on that special Sunday when commercialism and bullshit take over for three fuckin' hours.

1. Decorate the house in the colors of the team you're rooting for. If one of the teams playing is "your" team, put on all your paraphernalia.

2. Invest in a few foam "bad-call bricks" to throw at the TV so your guests can express their feelings about the refs without doing damage to your house.

Ok, hold on a second. I was getting this shit off of a "how to" site on the Internet called ehow.com and I just don't agree with a lot of this. Foam fucking bricks? Are you fuckin' kidding me? Get a real brick and throw it at your wife. Who fuckin' cares.


3. If you're going to have guests who are rooting for different teams, establish an imaginary line (or for fun, "draw" one with masking tape) down the center of the room. Decorate each side in one team's colors.

4. Order a "Super Bowl Party in a Box" that includes plates, napkins, cups and a football snack bowl.

If you have a fuckin' spine you'll also order a "bitch in a box". If you wanna know how to obtain one of these prime items just walk outside your fuckin' bungalow and whisper my goddamn name.

5. Pick up veggie, cheese and cold cut plates and a six-foot long sandwich or two from a deli and have all the food laid out on a table within sight of the TV. Don't make your guests choose between eating and watching the game.

6. Buy several six-packs of beer. Keep the beer in a cooler close by so you don't have to run to the fridge when it's third and inches. Restock the cooler at halftime.

7. Have everyone write down who they think will win and what the final score will be before the game starts. Award a silly prize, like a big football pinata, to the person who comes the closest.

A fuckin' pinata? Give the winner something that's worth two shits...like head. Some fuckin' pussy must have written this bullshit. It is through gritted mother-fucking teeth that I present this information to my loyal readers. You fucks deserve better. Here's a couple of bonus tips that are stright from the mouth of Gallo.

8. Call some girls that you know who have a reputation for looseness. Loose bitches. Call them up and lay out a plan of action. Something like this: Arrive, suck, leave.

9. Get some fuckin' guns.

10. Make a wager. Something like, "if any of the teams in this shit actually score some goals I'll staple my dick to my leg". It'll really spice shit up.

Yeah I think that's enough. Throw a party, and then throw someone out a window. Big kisses.

-Vincent Gallo

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to tie a tie

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding.


Howdy all you mother-fuckers. This is Vincent Gallo. I'm gonna fuckin' kill all of you, but first, I'm gonna teach you some necessary shit to make the lifes your living worth two fucks. Today lets tie a fucking tie.

This tie is called a "Four-in-hand" knot. We're gonna take this step buy step for all you dumb fucks. There's gonna be a quiz at the end so you better fuckin' listen, or I'll step on your neck (no goddamn pun intended).


STEP 1: Begin with the wide end on your right and extending about a foot below the narrow end of your tie.

STEP 2: Bring the wide end of the tie over the narrow (right side to left side).

STEP 3: Bring the wide end underneath the narrow end (left side to right side).

STEP 4: Bring the wide end of the tie over the narrow again (right side to left side).

STEP 5: Bring the wide end of the tie through the back of the loop (left side to center).

STEP 6: Hold the front of the knot loose with your index finger; pass the wide end down through the loop (created in step 4) in front.

Fuck, there a lot of fucking steps hear. Lemme tell you kids and babies about a fuckin' thing that happened to me back in 2001. I was at this convention. I was doing some fucking business, the details are not your business so don't fucking ask. I call this old friend of mine and he's like "hey man you should call this fuckin' prostitute I know and get her to suck on your meat". I called the whore and she came to my hotel room. She was a fucking wreck, just the way I like it. I told her to take off her fucking clothes or I would "kill her" (was I kidding?). She got naked and she had a fucking dick. Fuck. Back to the steps. Stay focused.

STEP 7: Remove your finger and tighten the knot.

STEP 8: Hold the narrow end of the tie and slide the knot up to the collar.

That's it. Go tie sixteen ties you fuckin' animals. I'm gonna go walk the streets of New York. All night.

-Vincent Gallo