The JU(H)S Goes West: Michael Thomas heads to the land of $3.50 a gallon

"You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake son. "
-Layer Cake

Here we go, folks. The adventure begins. Tomorrow me and Juhs fan Danny Jordan head off to Los Angeles. We have internships at this year's Los Angeles Film Festival. We're not getting paid for our hard work, because we're simply peons, but we've got ambition, creativity, and no opposition to the casting couch. Since I'm moving there, you may ask: "Have you ever been to California?" The answer is no, but I have heard nice things.

I don't really know what to expect. I have money to burn, a couch to crash on, good job opportunities, and the wearwithall to fall on my face a few times.

Pretty much I want to take this time to thank my fellow JU(H)Sers Derek, Andy, and Andrew. It's been a strange year since post-graduation. May 2005 to May 2006 was frustrating, maddening, disapointing, satisfying, gratiyfing, and awesome. I wouldn't have survived it without you guys. And I'm mainly speaking to Andy and Derek here. Andrew you were in New York most of the time, therefore not as special. However, you were still pretty tits in your own right.

Dear Readers, in the coming weeks expect short and sweet updates regarding my travels. Times are about to get interesting for the men of the Johnny U. You'll want to be there every step of the way.

Here now for your pleasure is a sweet picture of the founding fathers of the Johnny Utah Symposium, minus Andrew Salvoni:



Take it easy, friends.

DEREK 360: OH SHIT!

Oh no.

This, my friends and neighbors, is the beginning of the end.

Well no. The beginning of the end was when Dancing with the Stars was the leading television show in the ratings. What I am about to discuss is like step two of the beginning of the end. Step two of the end or something.

Come along with me if you would. Let's go to Utah. A state known for mormons, multiple wives, plateaus, and now...BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE. That's right. The Bubonic Plague is back in a big way and it is eradicating mice and other rodents inside the Natural Bridge National Monument area. The Natural Bridge National Monument (NBNM) is that awesome rock bridge that marks pretty much all things Utah-ian and now it is tainted with the smudgey grossness of BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE.


The campgrounds surrounding the NBNM have been closed and will be put through rigourous degermification processes. Humans typically contract the BLACK DEATH from fleas that have contracted it from filthy rodents carrying it. Exterminators are going to go in and try to kill all of the fleas. Trouble is, if only one of those fleas escapes. Maybe joins a traveling flea circus or something. Well then we will have the beginnings of THE BLACK DEATH round two.

Note: The Bubonic Plague can be treated and defeated with modern medicine.

This is bad.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 6

Another riveting game was played between Andy, Mike and Derek on Monday evening. The game was played at a secondary location. This change in scenery did not affect the level of competition displayed by the athletes.

GAME SUMMARY:
The beginning of this game was marked with complaining. Andy complained about having to pee. Derek complained about Michael's tardiness (he was eating some dinner) and Michael complained about taxes. The three men put away their petty problems and began the game. The game was a quick one with all three players staying relatively close to one another for the first few possessions. Michael quickly began to dominate however. His display of mid-range jumpers and forceful inside moves was occasionally interrupted by mini-runs from Andy and Derek but in the end Michael's offensive prowess brought him a "W".

WINNER:
Michael

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-1

In a post game interview Michael had this to say: "I'm just happy to have more points than Andrew."

Yeah.
-Studerino

Mike and Derek Ruin A Movie

*NO ONE AT THE JUHS FEELS BAD ABOUT BLOWING THE LID OFF THE BLOCKBUSTER FILM OF THE SUMMER. WHY? BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE SHOULD BE EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOVIE*

Hey, guys. Check out who shows up for a surprise cameo at the end of FAST AND THE FURIOUS - TOKYO DRIFT:















Oh. You're upset?
Oh. Eat shit.

-Mike and Derek.

"Your pastel striped vest looks like shit."

First we had 311 Vs. Scott Stapp.

Now we have this.

Don't move Hilfiger's drink. Don't do it.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 5

Andy, Mike and Derek got together earlier today for some JUBL basketball action. The weather conditions were ideal and all three men seemed to bring their "A" game to the court.

GAME SUMMARY:
This game was a gripping display of competition...for the most part. Mike ran into some bad luck in the early goings but continued to bounce back. He had a strange hopping-while-dribbling thing going on that seemed to be working for him from time to time. Andy and Derek were making shots in their normal customary ways. Derek through jump shots and fade aways and Andy through acrobatic moves to the basket. The game remained competitive throughout but in the end it was Derek who sealed his first JUBL victory of the year with a long jumper.

WINNER:
Derek

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-0

Gripping. Just gripping.
-Studer

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Let's watch movies: Havoc

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Havoc. Havoc stars Anne Hathaway, the always reliable Bijou Phillips and some Latin dudes.

Havoc is about a group of girls (with the focus being primarily placed on two of them) who become so bored with the safe suburban world that they live in that they decide to go over to the "bad side" of town and hang out with some bad ass Latin dudes. The Latin dudes are drug dealers and they live a fast and dangerous lifestyle that gets Bijou and Anne a wee bit excited. Things escalate when the ladies go to a shady hotel room and ask to become "a part of the gang". Oh yeah, the Latin dudes are, of course, in a gang. The Latin dudes are totally cool with the idea of them joining the gang but their is an initiation. The initiation is that the girls each roll a single dice (or is it a die). Whatever number they roll is the number of awesome Latin gang member dudes they have to fuck. I think all at the same time or something. Anne rolls a one and good old Bijou "I'm a dirty slut" Phillips rolls like a 15 (I don't remember). So from there things get out of hand. Anne turns into a prude (after displaying her nude bod for like the eighth time in the movie...not complaining) and refuses to fuck the one dude she was supposed to fuck. Bijou however is all about it. She starts fucking some dudes and, what a surprise, she has a bad time. The Latin dudes let up and let the chicks leave. The chicks then blow things out of proportion and say the Latin dudes raped them. Actually I think Bijou's the only one that flips the script on the Latins but I don't remember. From here things escalate even more when Anne's "I wanna be black" boyfriend gets involved. I don't remember the ending. I don't know if I was watching. This movie sucks.

The point of this movie was clear. It was trying to serve as a cautionary tale to parents and to kids. To parents it is trying to tell you to watch your kids. If you think they may be sneaking off to East L.A. for a fiesta then maybe it is time to intervene. To kids it is telling you to NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS WHO ARE IN GANGS. That is a life you stumble into, not a life you seek out. Just say no and stuff.

Let's do like a pros and cons thing here:

+PROS+
+Anne Hathaway's boobs
+The realistic depiction of Latin gangs (cough cough)

-CONS-
-Basically everything
-Bijou Phillips has got to be on the cons despite being naked for the majority of the movie. She just sucks.

I give this film a 3.31785 out of 10
-Derek

Johnny-U Album Review: 10,000 Days

Fellow JUhSers,

Before I can review this album for you, I feel I must explain where I fit within the realm of popular music. Let's put it this way: If rock was a school, I'd be in the special ed class.

This was not always so. In my heyday, circa Freshman and Sophomore years in college, I attended an astounding variety of live shows (including Tool in San Antonio during their Lateralus tour) and illegally downloaded multiple gigabytes worth of mp3s. Since then my level of rock IQ has atrophied significantly. I am grossly dependent on Michael's suggestions (Death from Above 1979, Arctic Monkeys, etc...) and Derek's mix tapes (Feel Good Rock Roll Vol. 1 & 2). I've been listening to a decent mix of those, Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go, and Coheed and Cambria for the past few months. Although my musical tastes have adjusted over the years, I'm still the same person who grew up on early 90's rock and, later, the metal stylings of Metallica, Pantera, and Tool.

Each new Tool album has been a momentous event. As a band, when you make the decision to release only one new album every four years, it's best that you adhere to certain standards. In other words, you better make it worth the damn wait. Tool, overwhelmingly, has done so. It's hard to believe that a band with only four full-length releases in the amount of time they've been around has garnered such a following.

In my opinion, Ænima must act as the yardstick against which all of their new releases are measured. I'm a huge fan of Undertow, but I believe Ænima is Tool's crowning achievement, fully embodying their style and maturity as a band. On this basis, I was disappointed with Lateralus at first. I still believe it's a spectacular album, but for me it did not live up to the staggering expectations inherently created as "the follow-up to Ænima." Standing alone it is amazing, but in the context of Tool's greater repertoire, it does not rank highly for me.

10,000 days gets much, much closer.

The album begins with the first single, "Vicariously." It is far superior to "Schism" - a song I don't particularly enjoy. It's your classic seven minute Tool tune, and it rocks pretty hard. I'm not going to use this space to analyze songs or opine as to the inner meaning of the symbolism because, really, I don't give a shit. I don't care if you're singing about daisies and lollipops, as long as the song rocks. I will say this: Maynard's lyrics in this album are extremely straightforward. He flirts with the literal for much of the album. This was completely unexpected, especially after the apparent direction the band was heading with Lateralus, but it's actually very refreshing.

I was taken aback at first - how could Tool release something so simplistic? The guitar riffs are back to the basics, reminiscent of much of their work in Undertow. The softer, trippier songs are melodic and don't particularly push progressive rock boundaries. I think Tool said to themselves, "we can still make badass rock songs - they may be long and weird as hell, but they're gonna fucking rock, and they're gonna fucking keep you interested." In a way, they're in direct opposition to one of their ongoing themes ("be patient...") with the adoption of this (relatively) direct approach to songwriting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just used to Tool's style, but I have the feeling this album will meet greater popular success as a result, without sacrificing any artistic integrity.

Getting back to the review, the first two tracks ("Vicariously" and "Jambi") are badass rock tunes. The next two, sister-songs "Wings for Marie (Part 1)" and "10,000 Days (Wings Part 2)" are softer, flowing, and punctuated with some stunning crescendos. They make up a two-part tribute (of sorts) to Maynard's mother, so they consist of pretty heady material. Once again, the lyrics aren't overly symbolic. Once again, I'm a fan.

"The Pot" reverts the album back to it's hard rock core, performed in the same vein as "Hooker with a Penis" and "Ticks & Leeches." Oh, and the bass line is fucking badass. "Lost Keys (Blame Hofmann)" and "Rosetta Stoned" are a connected intro & song about aliens and LSD. Cool. "Intension" is another trippy seven minute tune. If you liked "Disposition" and "Reflection," you'll like this one. "Right in Two," effectively the album's conclusion, is another badass song. If you made it this far, you deserve it, too. It's another straightforward commentary on how mankind wastes it's gifts fighting about useless shit. I wholeheartedly agree - the topic couldn't be more pertinent.

In conclusion, I like 10,000 days. A lot. It's a welcome respite from the copious amount of shitty rock music out now. It doesn't quite reach the same heights as Ænima, but I've only had a week to let it sink in. My initial feeling is that it doesn't quite acheive the same scope or cohesion. However, time will fit the album in it's correct place. If nothing else, it demonstrates that Tool is still moving forward creatively, still making entertaining music, and still remains a relevant force in the watered-down metal scene.

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS member since 2006!"




Tool says: "Enjoy our new album, bitches!"

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek