Happy FYA Day

Today is May 1st. May Day to some. Labo(u)r Day to others. "Fuck You America" Day to all. As if this differs from any other day on the calendar.

What once was a festival for pagans to prance around phallic totem poles has eventually devolved into a celebration of the working man, socialists, and anarchists. How something can sink below jumping around a giant, leafy wooden dick is beyond me, but there you have it.

I don't know what it's gonna take, but sooner or later the socialists need to realize it isn't fucking working out. You can whine and moan all you want about how America is the reason for all your problems. Or, you can take it a step further like Hugo Chavez and nationalize what little remains of your country's privately run oil companies. It's May! Fuck You America! How symbolic.

Not that I'm waxing apologetic for Big Oil (the fuckers). It's a topic that has been covered in this space before. However, I prefer my evil, faceless, autonomous corporations to fuck me via the free market system. ExxonMobil is like having the discomfort of an extra large dildo in your ass. But at least they have the courtesy to lube up first. Hugo is dry-fucking his country. And the dildo's red. With Che's famous logo emblazoned across the base.


You know what? Fuck all those know-nothing Che idolizers too. Dude's been dead for 40 years. You think all the fourteen year olds wearing his merch have any idea who he is? And I still have to see his righteous, revolutionary mug all over t-shirts, messenger bags, belt buckles, wallets. Wallets?! If that isn't irony at its base level, I don't know what is.

Here. Put this on a fucking t-shirt.


He's dead. Move on. I know he was a hero in Latin America. I'm all for rising up against oppressors when all other options fail. Our constitution was drafted to protect that very freedom (a freedom of which the NRA very frequently reminds us). But honestly, if you think dudes like Chavez and Castro aren't fucking you just as badly, then I don't know what to tell you.

Most of all - more than all this political bullshit - I hate May Day because everyone else in Europe gets the day off while I have to sit here at work. Fine. The pinkos win. For once, I'm jealous.

Godammit.

You know what I don't like? Bloggers blogging about blogging. It's sort of ... pointless. Not really adding a lot of insight, are you, going on and on about your "job" in this new "industry" you have?

I realize, of course, this means I'm blogging about bloggers who blog about blogging. I'm now going to wrap this up. While my brain explodes. Whenever you see me next, and I'm not acting right and I have this glazed look in my eyes like there's something terribly wrong (brain explosion), remember it's because I decided to post this today.

God, I hate everyone...

Why can't these online journals be more like the Johnny?

"Real" Blogs Rip Us Off.

Uh... Let's hearken back to March 2006. You may or may not remember a piece I penned entitled Brain or No Brain. It was more or less a short rant describing why Deal or No Deal sucks a lot of ass. A worthless show, through and through. I haven't seen it in a while, but I'm sure it's still just as bad. Please correct me if it unexpectedly became both enlightening and entertaining.

Now, let me direct your attention towards this post (it's from a blog called Defective Yeti, which apparently people read) Note the striking resemblance.

Sorry dude, but this is old news. Seriously, it took you almost a year after this revelation was posted on the JUhS? Let's keep it fresh, blog writers of the world. I will give him props, however, for suggesting an alternative (as opposed to fruitless complaining, as I am known to do now and again). Double points for the alternative incorporating blunt trauma to the nads.

-Andrew (JUhS)

A Brief Irritant, A Theory, and English Breakfasts

Hello everyone. Happy consumer holiday season to you. It's me, your least frequent JUhS poster. I have three quick subjects to bring to your attention:

-One-

Umm... look. I feel bad for James Kim and all. I'm sure he was an awesome husband and father. But seriously folks, has it been a slow news week? Here's a shocker: "Coroner: Kim died of exposure, hypothermia."

Let me get this straight. He left the relative warmth and safety of his car (not to mention his family), walked ten miles through the freezing Oregon wilderness in nothing but normal street clothes, and froze to death as a result? ... Well no shit. I'm sorry, but did this surprise anyone? Why is this the top story on cnn.com? Everyone realizes there are - eh - larger issues going on in the world, right? Oh screw it... I can give you one right now.

-Two-

Ready? Here it is. Big Pooga's operation is larger and more sophisticated than we previously thought was possible. He possesses nuclear technology, is recruiting suicide assailants, and may very well be the underground ruler of everyone's favorite upstart nation, Russia. I realize this is quite a statement. Allow me to explain.

That's right. We're going there. You all know the late Mr. Litvinenko. He was killed by sushi laced with the lethal radioactive material polonium 210.* The mainstream media would have you believe the powers-that-be in Moscow wanted Litvinenko, a critic of Putin's administration, killed. Likely, and easy for an average person to accept, but untrue.

I pose the following argument: It was Big Pooga, not Putin, who poisoned Litvy. In the depths of the Baltic sea, BP recruited the most cold-blooded salmon and spicy tuna he could find, convinced them to ingest radioactive material before knowingly subjecting themselves to the sushi knife, and (inexplicably) ensured their delivery to the very Itsu at which Litvy was eating that fateful evening. "Impossible," you say. Not if BP is himself the leader of Russia. The man (or in this case, fish) behind the curtain, if you will. Putin is obviously his puppet, the instrument whereby he will enact his scheme for the destruction of humanity. BP has furthered his operation from rural lakes in the southern US to the former Soviet Union at an alacritous pace. Before long he'll have Russia up and running again, gaining steam. Next thing you know, they'll be united with China. And once the PLA is involved, well, it's all over but the crying.

This should be worrying you, people. Not James Kim's exact location and body temperature when he died. I wouldn't be surprised if BP controls the mainstream media by now. Has Ted Turner made any trips to Russia lately? (Salazar, can you look into this please?) In the meantime, I highly suggest that everyone keep away from sushi. Just to be safe. And no watersports.

-Three-

In complete and utter digression, English food sucks. This is what I ate for breakfast this morning:

Disgusting (but seafood-free).

It's a permanent revolution folks,
Andrew (JUhS)

*statement may or may not be true

Brain or No Brain?

Has anyone seen this new show? I'd feel better if you hadn't, but apparently it's a craze that's sweeping the nation. The new hit NBC show is titled "Deal or No Deal" and it's hosted by none other than the incomparable Howie Mandel. What?! You thought his career was over? You thought nothing could top the pointlessness of "Bobby's World"? You thought America was through with the man known solely for blowing up, through his nose, a latex glove outstretched over his head?

You were completely fucking wrong. Because even the D-minus celebrities have nine lives. Why is everyone so god damn worried about global warming? Don't you realize we're recycling celebrities at an alarming rate? At this point, we won't have anyone left to entertain us by 2060, much less polar ice caps. And if I can't get my latest celebrity-reality show on VH1 when I'm 80 years old, dribbling on my sweater and urinating myself, then I don't fucking care if the entire coast line is submerged. Or if hurricanes pummel Illinois in February. Or if China replaces the United States as the dominant world power.

Do we even deserve to be the world power? Look at what entertains our collective nation. We'd rather watch a complete slut imbecile fuck 20 guys on the Real World: Key West, or Flava Flav spout catch phrases that went out in the 90's, or obsess over a group of coddled, useless youths who haven't served a legitimate purpose their entire lives as they prance around Laguna Beach. We'd rather watch a bald, washed-up comedian discuss for an entire hour, with honest, normal Americans, whether or not they should open cases handled by completely artificial, obviously fake-breasted models. THERE IS A SHOW ON PRIME-TIME TELEVISION WHERE THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS BASED ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD OPEN A CASE. Just ... let that sink in for a second. Has anyone else thought about this?

Who am I to tell people what to do with their lives? I am no different than all of you. I merely suggest: can't we do better? Is this how we want to spend our Monday evenings? We have nothing better to do? I have a timely and, I believe, apt analogy. We are UConn (or in a slightly more disgusting comparison, Duke); the rest of the world is George Mason. We are a perennial power, drunk on our own history and bred to believe the hype set before us. But there are others out there without the history and without the pedigree, working harder than we are to get ahead. And eventually, like in the tournament this year, it's going to catch up with us. Maybe not now, maybe not in 10 years, but sometime. Obviously, I didn't just make up this idea myself, but it's worth reiterating. Years before we were born, the international situation has been, more or less, as it is now. So we just assume that the world is "naturally" this way. I know I used to.

OK, I'm officially off my high horse. But that show really fucking pisses me off. It's a show about opening cases with numbers in them. And most of the time, since no one seems to understand basic statistics, they don't even make the correct decisions. Fuck. Don't watch this show. Besides, it's on at the same time as "How I Met Your Mother". You remember Doogie Howser, right?

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006"

Brokeback to the Basics

Let's get this straight. The movie was fine. A career-defining moment for the director and many of the actors involved. I personally enjoyed watching it. It was well-filmed and rightfully placed in many crtitics' 2005 top ten lists. But please, citizens of the world (and non-JUhS members everywhere), let's not get carried away. It's a movie about two gay cowboys. Respectfully portrayed, a wonderful love story, but ... two gay cowboys. Nothing to write home about, really. It's as if the population has been reduced to snickering pre-teens. Most of us have seen the faux-trailer Brokeback to the Future. Slightly more than mildly amusing, I must admit. But please, I beseech all social editorializers, let this end where it began. There's nothing ahead of us that can't easily be predicted, if we take but a moment. I submit to you a list of what may well be referenced in future Brokeback Mountain parodies. This list will, well ... suck. I present it as a warning. The way I see it, if it's recorded here, it can no longer be an original thought. Feel free to add your ideas to the comment area. It will be for the greater good.

1) Brokeback in the Saddle Again
2) Brokeback that Ass Up
3) Brokeback in the Day (When I Was Young, I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Somedays, I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again...)
4) Brokeback to Back to Back National Champions
5) Brokebackslider!
6) Brokeback Spasms
7) Brokeback to School Sale
8) Brokebackwater Hick
9) Broke-little-black-back Pack
10) Brokeback in the U.S.S.R.


-Andrew
[Proud JUhS member since 2006!]

p.s. - As a follow-up comment to the latest "Through the Aperture of Andy", let it be known that I have never seen Grey's Anatomy. But my girlfriend has, and she loves it. Therefore, his editorial must be correct in all aspects (based solely on this one example, of course). Thank you.