Vincent Gallo Presents: How to flirt online

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to encourage everyone to read the article that Mr. Gallo is plagiarizing. It can be found here. It really sucks.


That's right you fuckin' bastards. I'm back. Back from the fucking dead. I was submitting articles to this shitty blog for the last like two months but Derek, that fucking hack, wasn't posting them. Maybe one of these days he'll release them as the "Lost Gallo Articles" or some other commercialized bullshit thing. I hate that guy. I hate this blog. I hate skiing. I hate-

Oh wait...you guys want to know how to flirt online. Fine. Here's some tips.

1. Humor is your ally.
Basically what this means is that if you're funny you'll get fucking laid. If you're not funny you can go ahead and service yourself for the millionth time. If you're not funny you may as well go ahead and swallow some fucking bullets, because you're never gonna get fucking laid. Unless you're rich. Or a rapist. Next tip.

2. Keep it simple.
Don't talk a bunch of shit about how you know every fucking character in the whole goddamn Star Wars universe. Don't brag about how you can do some ghoulish shit like stapling your dick to your stomach. No one cares about the fact that you're a fuckin' freak. Tip one tells you that people just want you to be funny. Not interesting. Fucking funny.

3. Hand out compliments.
Examples:
"Hey bitch, you look unfat in your picture."
"You look so good that I actually don't want to kill you."
"I want to fuck you."

You know, compliments. Use your fuckin' head.

Here's a little bonus for you shit kids. I'm gonna go ahead and list some questions that you pathetic, spineless mother-fuckers can use when your too chicken-shit to meet someone face to face and you want to simply email them until you get whatever fucked up jollies you can from a relationship as weak and pointless as that. Put a few of these in an email and let the object of your e-affections do the rest.

*Where did you get that fantastic smile?
*What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
*Have you seen Buffalo '66? You should. It's great.
*How long have you played guitar?
*Why are you so fucking ugly?
*What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
*Do you fuck in the ass?

With the fuckin' tips I've laid out for you shitty, fucking, fat-fuck, mother-fuckers you should be able to score some Internet sex in no time. Cyber sex? That's what it's called right? This shit is disgusting.

-Vincent Gallo

!QUIK HITZ!

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

According to CBS, and more specifically the CBS show CSI: Miami, Brazil is the sexiest place on Earth. For a few weeks now CBS has been heavily hyping the Brazilian season premiere of the most intense member of the CSI family. The show is going to feature Caruso and the gang jet-setting down to Brazil (or as CBS has taught me to think of it: Sexyland) to solve some murder using gross jump-cuts and awesome dialogue. Caruso will probably also threaten someone.

What CSI: Sexyland needs to figure out is why all of these FUCKING HAWKS are attacking people. That is not sexy. Running from place to place having to flail your arms so that your eyes are not pecked out of your skull is not sexy. Not sexy. Sexy.

CBS needs to rent City of God.


2. TWO. DOS.

Banksy.


Banksy is a British artist who spends his time painting stuff (streets, buildings, canvases, elephants). He paints stuff legally and he paints stuff illegally. He sells paintings to Brad Pitt. Disneyland and Banksy do not see eye to eye. He dropped bogus copies of Paris Hilton's debut album into London boutiques. He loves stencils. He also loves to put his work up on the walls in famous museums. He REALLY loves doing that.

He is a total bad ass.

Go here. Take five. Enjoy.

3. THREE. TRES.

I don't really have a third one. All those links wore me out. Well, no, here's a little something. 300 will be coming out next year. Sparta. Fight. Die.

MUCH LOVE,
Derek

DEREK 360: The Odysseust

DISCLAIMER: This post is worthless AND pointless.

Last night I was flipping through the channels when I caught a few minutes of the total shitfest that is Troy. I happened upon a scene between Brad Pitt (in total phoning-it-in mode) and Seen Been. Seen Been was playing the always awesome role of Odysseus and it got me thinking.

Of the few men who have portrayed Odysseus in films throughout film history, who was the Odysseust?

1. Armand Assante - The Odyssey
(1997 TV mini-series)
Armand Assante is well regarded as a total bad ass. I mean, just look at the body of work here. He was in three of the best films of the past dozen years with his star turns in Judge Dredd, Two for the Money, and Striptease. He also played John Gotti in the appropriately titled TV movie Gotti. Oh, and he was also in one of those Christopher Columbus biopic's that came out in the early 90's. All of these totally awesome roles were just mere stepping stones to the role that Armand made his own. That would, of course, be the role of Odysseus.


But, was he the Odysseust?

He did get to do the whole Odyssey thing, which is awesome. He, however, did not have the same awesome psuedo-mullet-from-another-time hair that Seen Been had in Troy. He was good. He may have even been great.

2. Sean Bean - Troy
(2004 shitty movie)
Seen Been is an uber-pimp and everyone knows it. He's gotten his paws on a few of the great franchises of the past few years. He was one of the fellowship dudes in that whole Lord of the Rings thing. He did die in the first movie like a little bitch though. He was also Han Solo in the Star Wars movies. He wasn't the star of Troy but his presence (and the presence of his awesome hair) stole many a scene.


But, was he the Odysseust?

The fact that he was in Troy is definitely working against him. His credentials are strong though, and he played a more level-headed, less crazy Odysseus. He got to play the Illiad era Odysseus, who was a cyclopsless dude just coolin' in the ancient world. He's definitely in contention.

3. George Clooney - Oh Brother, Where Art Thou
(2000 movie)
George Clooney is a big star. He's got an Oscar on his mantle next to a certificate from People Magazine lauding him as the sexiest man alive back in like '98 or something. He also played Batman at some point back in the dark (yet light...and gay) days of the Batman franchise. He played Everett in Oh Brother, Where Art Thou, which is an adaptation of The Odyssey. He had a lot of room to change up the role and experiment with the character.


But, was he the Odysseust?

He, technically, didn't even play the role of Odysseus. However, because there haven't been that many Odysseus' in semi-recent film history he's gonna get tossed in there. He's not a throw-away candidate though. He kicked cyclops ass. He made his way home. He did the whole thang and he did it well.

So who is the Odysseust?
The obvious answer here is Armand Assante. I, however, have got to deviate from the obvious and go with Seen Been. His confident, "I know I'm a bad ass" turn as a pre-Odyssey Odysseus helped bring the total crap fest that is Troy out of the shitty movie cellar (though it's still awful...don't get me wrong). He's also got some wicked-awesome (and historically accurate...I assume) hair. There may also be some influence from the fact that I haven't seen Armand Assante's The Odyssey since it first aired back in '97. Seen Been is fresh in my mind and sometimes freshness = Odysseust.

CONGRATULATIONS SEEN BEEN, YOU ARE THE ODYSSEUST!

Yikes,
Derek

Sympathy for the Sooner

Fellow JUhSians,

Now, I hate the Sooners as much as any other Texas alumni. It's true. But you, my friends, were robbed. Robbed. Plain and simple. Now, I'm relying on extremely grainy ESPN motion video. And I didn't watch the full game. But seriously, those were some egregious errors.

If it makes you feel any better, Adrian Peterson is an absolute maniac. So you've got that going for you. And you'll probably beat us in Dallas. However, our quarterback beats yours in the "awesomeness of name" category, mustachioed or otherwise.

But that's besides the point. In conclusion, say it with me: fuck you ducks. Fuck you and your ugly ass uniforms, and the state you live in. No one likes you.

There, I bet you feel better.

Andrew (JUhS)

P.S. - I realize I'm not carrying my weight around the symposium. I'm working to rectify that. Really, I am.

DEREK 360: Popeye is gonna die.

E. coli is back at it. Back at its unawesome game of killing people and making people ridiculously sick. This time the food blamed for the spread of Mr. Coli is spinach (hence the Popeye title...haha...right?...shit). So far there has only been one death, which happened in Wisconsin, but 50 others have reported sickness in seven other states. The scariest part is that all the states are not even bordering Wisconsin. New Mexico, Idaho, Connecticut, Utah, Michigan, Oregon, Indiana. This shit is all over the map.


The tainted spinach (or "nasty greens" as I prefer to call them) can't be traced back to one source so all spinach could be at risk of a visit from the Coli. The nasty greens are mostly being found in those nifty bags of spinach you see at the grocery store, but they could be present in restaurant cooking or anywhere else spinach is used.

Just to freak you all out a little more, here is a brief description (which I completely plagiarized from the yahoo story) of what E. coli can do to the body:

E. coli causes diarrhea, often with bloody stools. Most healthy adults can recover completely within a week, although some people -- including the very young and old -- can develop a form of kidney failure that often leads to death.

Bloody stools?
Kidney Failure?
Death?
OH FUCK!

Bottom line: Beware Spinach.
-Derek

P.S. It is a lesser known fact that most spinach prefer to wear Converse sneakers, as the art shows. Just FYI.

Live Muzik: The Advantage

Hello all,

It is time for me to start up yet another feature here on the Johnny U. "Live Muzik" is going to talk about different live shows that I feel are special (or unspecial) enough to be commented on in blog form. I'm gonna start this thing up with The Advantage, a band from Sacramento that specializes in taking the music from old Nintendo games and adapting that music to guitar, bass and drums.

Nintendo game music from the first generation Nintendo system was never meant to be played in this way. The synthesized beeps of boops are in such intricate orders and ridiculous speeds that to play them on guitar would require like 35 fingers. Or 11 arms. Or a bad ass robot programmed to play Nintendo music. Or...these California dudes.


They blazed through music from Mega Man, Metal Gear (my personal favorite), Gradius, Contra and Super Mario. The entire time it sounded, note for note, like the music from the old Nintendo games, except it rocked really, extremely, and very hard.

The experience was also heightened by the fact that the band consisted of a bass player who looked like a chilled out Biblical character, two guitar players (one who was wearing a purple sleeveless T and black jorts...YES!) who looked perpetually sleepy (or stoned...whatever) and a drummer who looked like Animal from The Muppets. The drummer would look at the other members of the band with a scary intensity. He would also sometimes look into the crowd with this same intensity. At one point, for a fleeting second, his black eyes caught mine and I had to look away before my head exploded from the rock powers he was throwing at me. The four dudes (other than the drummer...who was a wound up ball of crazed energy) really had no "stage presence" but the precision that I knew it took to play the riffs these dudes were playing made me turn a blind eye to the fact that they were dismissing all forms of rock stage antics.


The questions this band would raise would be, first, do you have to know and/or like old school Nintendo music to like this band? And second, do you have to be someone who knows enough about music and instruments to appreciate the skill these songs require to really like them?

As far as the first one is concerned I would say no. If you are familiar with Nintendo game music you may get something extra out of an Advantage show but if you don't you're still going to appreciate the awesome rock that is being blasted into your general direction. The lack of singing (because Nintendo games don't have singing...but they should) can be a detractor to some but so many of the guitar lines serve the purpose of a vocal part that, for me, it didn't make a difference.

To answer the second question I would say no as well, but on that one it definitely helps if you know just how difficult the stuff these dudes are playing is. For me, during certain lulls in the show where the dudes would keep playing the same Bomberman riff over and over or something I would be able to simply examine the fingerings and rhythms and marvel at the monumental speed and difficulty they demanded.

Overall, this was one of the best shows I've ever seen. My mouth was agape in awe throughout. Go see The Advantage live. Do it.

The Advantage (myspace)
The Advantage (website)

8.5/10
Derek

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion! (update)

The fish rebellion that I have been talking about for the past month took its first high profile casualty a few hours ago.

Steve Irwin, the man better known as "The Crocodile Hunter", was killed by a stingray off the coast of Australia. The stingray stuck Irwin with a barb. The barb pierced his chest and killed him.

Big Pooga could not be reached for comment.

More on this to come.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Nuts Busted

Hello everyone.

This one should probably be another installment in my stupid person time feature but I couldn't resist putting the words "bust" and "nut" in the title. I am a child.

In Gainesville, Florida a glitch at the University of Florida Women's Health Center killed thousands of sperm samples. Some of the samples belonged to men who had stored the sperm because of impotency fears. That is a major bummer right there. The glitch caused the temperature in the sperm cooler tank things to rise without warning. The sperm scientists (or spermitists) thought they had detected the problem and saved the sperm in time, but they were wrong. All of the sperm were killed.


The Spermitists at The University of Florida Women's Health Center are a bunch of fucking murderers.

To ensure this doesn't happen again I want to urge all of the dudes out there to always keep a few sperm samples on hand in your fridge at home. Just remember to ALWAYS label these samples clearly. Also, I'm sure those sperm killing murderers down in Florida could use some new sperm samples to replenish their sperm coffers so feel free to "bust a nut" into a baby food jar, write "Florida" on said jar and hand it to your local mail person. They will know what to do. Remember tomorrow is Labor Day so all sperm deliveries will have to wait until Tuesday.

Together we can all make a difference. For sperm. For man. For all.
-Derek

Quick update: 2006 Cinema in review.

Hello, JUHSers. Here is my brief list for the top 5 best movies of 2006 so far. Ready? I'm ready.

5. HOSTEL
4. THE HILLS HAVE EYES
3. THE DESCENT
2. SUPERMAN RETURNS (also the most underrated film of the year)
1. V FOR VENDETTA

Wow. What a crappy list. Superhero movies and horror flicks. 2006 needs to get its head in the game.

-Michael Thomas

Their Land Is Strong Earth

OK, so I completely ripped this off from a Sports Guy column. But honestly, I would be doing our readers a disservice if I didn't show it to them. It really needs no introduction. Enjoy.



Pay particular attention to the 2:20 mark. Brilliant.

Andrew (JUhS)

Hey guys.

Been awhile since I've posted, and I just wanted to take the time to remind everyone:

If you think James Blunt is talented you should fucking drown yourself.

That's all. Bye world!

-Tits Drexler

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

YO!

Today, in this edition of Awesome-vertising, I am going to present the greatest ad of all time. I heard Super Timor can help you travel through time if you slap yourself in the face enough as it's being sprayed. Oh, it also kills bugs (I assume). Bugs and time travel! HELL YEAH! Super Timor is awesome! If the spokesman was Billy Dee Williams this ad would be perfect, but, even without the magic of Billy Dee it's the mostest spectacularest ad of all timez. Here it is for your enjoyment.


Super Timor!,
Derek