DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion!

Friends and Neighbors,

We have got a serious problem on our hands.

A few weeks ago I reported on a story in which a marlin stabbed a dude. The dude was fishing and the whole thing appeared to be an accident. Unfortunately, some new facts have come to light which make me believe that that incident was no accident. It was merely another felled domino in an awesome Domino Rally style domino display. Last week I stumbled upon another article. This article made it pretty clear that we are facing a serious problem.

On August 9, a man in Florida was enjoying his day with a bit of jet skiiing. He was going along minding his own business when a four foot long sturgeon leapt out of the water and knocked the man into the water. This is for realz. The dude would have died had his special lady not been behind him, ready to keep his head above water until paramedics could airlift him out.

The same article also reveals that in April, on the same body of water (the Suwannee River) a three foot sturgeon sent a woman to the hospital when it jumped out of the water and into her boat. Officials are trying to downplay this whole thing by claiming that a few of these fish jumping "accidents" happen annually but that, unfortunately, is not the truth.

Last week I, hungry for the truth, went down to Florida to do some digging (digging in this case has nothing to do with National Dig in the Dirt Week...oh and that has been expanded as well...it's now National Dig in the Dirt Month...just FYI). I asked countless local fisherdudes about the strange happenings on and around the Suwannee River. One fisherdude told me that the two incidents I was mentioning were not the result of seperate fish. He claimed that the sturgeon who jumped in the boat in April was the same sturgeon who busted the jet skiier in the eye in August. This fisherdude was as wise as the desert is hot.

"That mother-fuckin' fish must've growed like a damn foot. It was about three feet in April and then in August it was a little more than four. That sturgeon's been eating human flesh...that's what's doing it."


Wait, the fish are eating humans? The wise old fisherdude went on to tell me that this one infamous sturgeon, which he called Big Pooga, could talk and had told him that "it was mother-fucking time for a change". Wise Old Fisherdude told me that he spoke to Big Pooga at length and Pooga laid out a full plan on how he was gonna rally the schools and lead the fish in a fish rebellion. The fish, after eating some human flesh...and absorbing some human powers, will overtake the human species and rule the world. Pooga had told him that, "the world is mostly water anyway...right?".

Admittedly, I was still skeptical at this point. I asked the Wise Old Fisherdude why Big Pooga had decided to just chat it up with him as opposed to eat his flesh. At this query, Wise Old Fisherdude rolled up the pant leg on his Bugle Boy Jeans and revealed a righteous pegleg. Whoa.

After I interviewed other fisherdudes I discovered that the marlin incident was linked and that the government has been trying to cover up countless other fish related attacks. The reason for the cover up is simply that if the public knew, the public would "fucking shit their pants". An incident with a school of clownfish (yeah, the ultra-cute Nemo fish) sinking a mid-sized yacht, and evsicerating the crew left me especially shaken.

I finally convinced the Wise Old Fisherdude to arrange a meeting with me and Big Pooga. We met near the shore on the southeastern corner of the Suwannee. I kept my distance and he kept his reponses short. I asked him only 4 questions. That was all it took to know.

Q: Are you leading a fish rebellion to take over the world?
A: Yes.

Q: How long do we, as humans, have left?
A: Months.

Q: What kind of a stupid fucking name is Big Pooga?
A: My name is Willy, not Big Pooga. The Wise Old Fisherdude is a stupid drunk asshole. He is unreliable, foul smelling and a poor wingman at a bar. He will not drive you to your girlfriends house if she calls you. He will not look you in the eye when he talks to you. He is a snake and his leg tasted like ass. I plan on making a hat out of his ribs once a few more steps to my rebellion come to fruition.

Q: Do you have a wrath?
A: Oh yes, and you will all feel it.

So there you have it. We've got "months" before everything we know changes.

Save everyone you can.
-Derek