DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Let me drop some more knowledge on you childrens. These are things you need to know.

KNOWLEDGE #6
Rollerblading is not awesome. Ever.

Rollerblading came into mass popularity sometime in the mid 1980s (i think). People would go to the local mercantile and purchase brightly colored blades and then get together with friends to rollerblade up and down their respective streets. They would form sweet rollerblading clubs and roll up and down the avenues in different formations like the "V", the "Z" and the "Long Dong Dragon". Correspondingly awful fashion was employed to make the rollerblader look like a giant neon colored spandex enthusiast. In the 80s, a decade regarded as completely ridiculous, rollerblading and its many life changing behaviors were merely drops in the big bucket of said ridiculousiosity. The lame way people looked both wearing blades and "blading" on blades was also partially acceptable in the early to mid 90s. However, in our current climate of awesome (of which the Johnny is oh-so-happy to be a part of), rollerblading needs to be outlawed. The only time rollerblading is at all warranted is when you have the blades on and are performing sweet tricks off of benches, rails, cars, or drained pools. In any other set of circumstances rollerblading is not awesome. Not at all.

That's it for now. Happy Fathers Day everyone!

I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledge to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

It's time once again for me to spill some knowledge for you guys. Impress your friends and coworkers and kids with these mighty fine facts.

KNOWLEDGE #4
Date My Mom is a fucked up disaster of a show.

Please forgive my harsh language but the television show Date My Mom on MTV is just obscene. A dude goes on three "dates" with three chicks' moms. After these "dates", which are chock full of straight-up-disgusting innuendos and double entendres. The moms and daughters have these bullshit pre and post date "candid conversations" that are so staged it makes me wish someone would step on my neck. Here's a sample:

MOM: Hi honey, I'm home.
DAUGHTER: Hi, how was the date?
MOM: It was great, we went to a car show and then we went topless.
DAUGHTER: WHAT MOM (obviously exaggerating her reaction)??
MOM: It's ok honey, we were just rising in a convertible.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Fucking pathetic.

Then at the end of the show the three moms get together with the dude and they have a four way sex mess. No, they don't do that (at least not on camera...ersh), instead they meet on a beach or some other stock location and then the dude picks, based on the moms, which chick he wants to date. It's just a real mess.

I could pontificate on how shitty it is for a few more paragraphs but i won't. Just trust me.

KNOWLEDGE #5
Top Gun sucks.

I'm gonna keep this one concise. Top Gun is a bad movie. A really bad movie. Kenny Loggins is a bad ass and everything but not even his righteous tunes can rescue this overrated pile of shit.


I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledges to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Hello peoples,

Today I am going to to drop some knowledge for you kids. Some things you guys should know. Pay close attention and tell your friends and neighbors.

KNOWLEDGE #1
Patrick Swayze is inside of every white limousine you see on the street.

Anytime you see a white limo, inside of it, is Patrick "She's like the wind" Swayze. If you see 2 white limos at one time he is in both. I know it's weird, but it's true.


KNOWLEDGE #2
Wesley Snipes is inside of every black limousine you see on the street.

This is the same general principle as the Swayze/white limo continuum thing. Any black limo contains Wesley "Always betting on black (limos)" Snipes. For many years it was believed that the black limos were uninhabited but fellow-Johnny-U-Founding-Dad-Dude Andy recently informed me that Wesley Snipes did in fact reside in pretty much all of them. Andy, like me, is wise and reads countless periodicals of note so his knowledge on this matter is concrete fact.


KNOWLEDGE #3
Krull is the 14th greatest movie ever made.


If you line up all the movies ever made and then rank them using an intricate scale of factors that is too complicated for me to fully discuss you will realize that the 1983 film Krull is the 14th best. It's got Liam Neeson, a dude that looks like Swayze in the lead, a cyclops, special effects that the Pope once said were "more awesome than this whole religion thing I'm into", a goofy magician, and a kick ass chinese star looking thing. Oh, there is also the plot, which will fucking drown you in awesome juices. A bad ass alienish thing falls to the planet and these evil alien things start taking over. Swayze look alike dude and his special lady are set to wed but the alienish things mess those nuptials up. They kidnap the special lady and then Swayze, with the help of kick ass Chinese Star looking thing, Liam Neeson, a cyclops, a creepy old blind dude, a goofy magician (I guess he's really a wizard...but who cares), and some sweet special effects have to go to something called "The Black Fortress" to rescue her. That synopsis alone has got me sweaty. Krull is tits.

Trust these things for they are fact.

-Derek