Fidel Castro: Last Will and Testament

Hola compadres and amigos. Your good friend, Fidel Castro, here. That picture is from my Liam Neeson phase days. Its quite flattering, if I must speak so myself I. Over the past few semanas there have been reports of me being in no so bueno health. Though greatly exaggerated, there is some truth to these rumors. Si mi amigos. It looks as if my days on this planet are labeled with numbers and those labels are running in order like 34,33,32,31 ecksetara ecksetara. You know. Getting smaller and more pequeno. I am indeed infermo. I decided I should probably start preparing for the death end of my life being over.



Being said that, I made up my brain to make up my "last will and testament" (as my lawyer says is). I have placed it in the hands of the only compadres I trust in the world: Los Padres del Simposio Juanny Utah. These hombres have filled me with feliz jelly for some times now and I knew that the only way to make sure my words were not thrown away like basura was to ask for the grace of permission from The Padres to publish this last request of mine. I asked and was met with a muy fuerte "YEAH MANS!" Haha. I usually would be feasting on the corazon ensalada of ensalada y corazones of those who displayed such disrespect to me, but not from these jokester fun funny cabelleros.

Before I start, I'd like to open up with a few laugh jokes. What do you call four of my fellow Cubans sinking in quick sand? CUATRO SINKO! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did you hear that Hooters Big Boob Restuarant of Wings and Beer and Whores is starting their own airline? SI! Es cierto! All the assigned chair seats are 32DD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Tito, hand me some hand 5 finger skin on the low!!!

A few weeks ago was my birthday. Yeah, it's ok that you missed it. A lot of people here in Cuba-land did too. They're dead now. Fortunately for you I have turned new leaf and will let you skin by. But speaking of cumpleanos, what is the worst gift you can give someone for their special day surprise.........?!


....AIDS!!!!!



Ok. Enough funny. On to business.

First, I would like to warn you all that my heart is wired to a sensor which in turn is also wired to sensors which is rigged to some boom fire explosions planted all around the world. This is just exactly as Juanny Utah Padre, Andy, predicted. When my heart stops...EXPLODE! Reminds me of a would you rather. Would you rather: get exploded crotch first and die? ...or win the $900,000,000,000 tax free lottery?

As many of you know. I have mucho dinero. I would like to will half of it to my good amigo, Tom Cruise for him to start his new production company. I am actually half Scientologist and half Methodist...or as I like to call myself SCIENTIST! (Laugh you stubborn assholes before I fire squad you to death). The rest will be donated towards the budget of the greatest show ever made, Blue Collar TV. NOT! BOY DOES THAT SHOW FUCKING SUCK! FUCK THOSE HILLBILLY AMERICAN FUCKS! Hey, America! That's why I hate you! Not because of the Bay of Pigs or free commerce or anything. Geez. Hey! JEFF FOXWORTHY! PUT DOWN YOUR SISTERS PENIS FROM YOUR MOUTH! Am I right?!

I will my copy of Surf Ninjas to that dirty Pollock Mike Sopadoogee (JUS). I will my mustache to that dirty Wop Andrew (JUhS). I will my love of bestiality to that dirty Kraut Derek (JUS). I will my strip of oceanside sex-slave dwellings (or as I call it the "Pleasure Peninsula") as well as all the disease free, horny womens and riches inside to Andy (JUhS). As well, all you boys will receive equal shares of my fleet of Packard automobiles. If I regret anything, its that I would have been able to drive one of those PT Chryslers. Dios mio, they are the knees of bees....or the "tits" in my Juanny Utah speak.

I leave my cigar collection to my son, and former Atlanta Brave pitcher, Steve Avery. I leave my gator suit (with matching boots) to Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary. The rest of my things will be divided up on a first come, first serve basis where people will bid and then depending upon the highest price offered within a certain market for said items, the highest paying person will recieve said item. The true communist way.

I'd like to thank my lawyer, the dead and now human cadaver lawyer puppet of Johnnie Cochran. He and I worked well together and made love even better.

So that wraps it up. Before I die, I just wanted to say: Mandy Moore...you're a classy piece of ass and I'm glad I got the chance to spank it to your picture. I want Jay-Z and "Diddy" to MC my funeral and for 500 virgins to be sacrificed so I have something to keep me occupied when I'm out of this bitch.

Thank you all for your time.

Hasta la vista, baby.


Fidel "The Ghostman Wolf" Castro(JUhS)