Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Joe Biden (26 days)

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.


Meet Joseph Robinette (!!) Biden, Jr.

Joe is a six-term Senator (D) from the state of Delaware and 2008 presidential hopeful. Frankly, we here at the Johnny have more important things to do (The Takeover is nigh) than delve into the political history of a fringe candidate, so forgive us if our facts are ... fuzzy. But we do know this: Joe, highly respected as a senior legislator, is widely regarded as one who speaks his mind. "Great," you might say, "I'm looking for that sort of candor in my candidate." No. You're really not. This guy will literally say the first thing that bubbles to the surface. There's not a filter with Joe. No QC, to put it in JUhS terms.

Case in point, this widely publicized quote, uttered at the birth of Joe's candidacy. He had this to say regarding his highly-touted opponent, Barack Obama:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy ... I mean, that’s a storybook, man. Barack is my NEGRO, negro! Do you feel what it is that I am saying to you?"

Hold on there, buddy. We appreciate the use of colloquial banter. But Obama's Kanshawaikenyillindonesian posse will fuck you up Joe. We'd be careful. The multicultural gangstas are the ones you want to watch out for. Globalization. A president's got to know about these things.

Look ... the US had (and in all likelihood, still has) loads of racist lawmakers. But unless you were actually alive when slavery was around, you can't let voters know about it. Come on, you worked in the same Senate as Strom Thurmond. He got a pass for being 100. You don't.

Another example, this time on Indian-Americans:

"I've had a great relationship. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking ... They talk funny. And seriously, what's the deal with that dot on the forehead? Am I right? No joke, people."

You blew a great exit strategy here. Never actually tell anyone that you're "not joking." Even the most egregious verbal gaffes can be fixed with a simple "I was joking."

Upon further inspection, it appears Joseph needs a little more help with the whole Think-Consider-Speak deal.

Take this, just last week, to John Edwards:

“Cancer? Are you kidding me? And then he bumps up ten points in the polls. I mean, I love Johnny, he's my boy. But ... cancer? Screw it, I'll give my wife cancer. Where ... come here. Someone blow some smoke in her face. Strap a cell phone to her neck. I don't know. Line her sheets with asbestos. Shave that bitch's head! I'll give my wife cancer too, John. Don't fuck with me."

The lesson here is clear. Joe may be a pleasant, hard working, plain speaking guy. For good or for ill, he unabashedly speaks what he feels. Admirable? Yes. Noble? Maybe. Smart? Absolutely not. Get in the fucking game JB. You have to lie your ass off on the political battlefield.

Joe, what you need is a Head of QC. The Johnny Dads, perfect candidates though we may be, aren't available. But we can set you up with some interviews.

"Holla" at us.