DEREK 360: Stupid(est) Person(s) Time

Hello everyone.

I want to first declare that this edition of Stupid Person Time is not intended to "one up" or "kick the ass of" Andrew's Stupid Person Time article below. I love that he's keeping this segment going. The reason for the doubling up in such a short time is simply because there is a metric shit-ton of stupid people walking about on this day.

I was prepared to brush my teeths and go to bed when I happened over to CNN.com for one last glance at the world's happenings. It was then that I saw this kid for the six millionth time in the past two days:


Wee little Mikey Auberry. If you've been closely monitoring the Amber Alerts of the past week or so you'd know that Lil' Mike is the twelve year old Cub Scout who went missing from a camp ground in North Carolina. Now, I am not a person who belittles missing persons. I'm not Andrew. However when the boy is found unharmed and then later (like three hours ago) reveals why he got lost and it's some of the stupidest shit of all time, well, then I have to comment. I have to. I do.

Little Mikey A. got lost because he was homesick, and was going to find the closest highway so he could hitch a ride home.

WHAT???

This is a new level of Stupid Person Time. This is StupidEST Person Time. This kid is in the hall of fame of stupid. Not only does he wander off away from the rest of his group (den?), but he wanders off with the initial idea of hitching a ride home. DID HE NOT SEE PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE? DID HE NOT SEE THE HITCHER REMAKE STARRING THE ODYSSEUST HIMSELF, SEEN BEEN? And this kid is twelve. This is not a five year old blind kid. He's an able-bodied twelve year old Cub Scout. Is there not a merit badge for common sense? I can't type fast enough to truly articulate just how foolish I think this kid is. There were, at one point, 25 seperate search groups and several dog teams searching for this little punk, and what is he doing? Looking for the highway so he can go rest stop to rest stop with some giant trucker who is, ironically, named Little Man Dave...or something.

It's totally insane. Insane crazy stupid. And, believe it or not, it gets worse. Mike's daddy, Kent, had this to say when he found out about that whole hitchhiking thing:

"We're going to have that lecture about hitchhiking again."

Again? Holy shit.

This is why this segment is today called Stupidest Persons Time. Michael Auberry, you are the six rolls of toilet paper you get for $1.99. Your dad is the bonus roll.

-Derek