Nels' News

It’s a Nels’ News Follow-up.

First of all, how do you know it’s a slow news day? When a station spends three-and-a-half minutes talking about last nights newscast. Watch the play-by-play of the cat attack below.



Now, another, even more shocking development. We’ve all been looking to Big Pooga for the coming invasion, suspecting it would come from the sea. But is it possible that the aquatic army has enlisted land animals to their cause? Perhaps the Cleveland cat attack was some sort of sign, a signal to feline America that the time for vengeance has come.

Case in point.

Could it be that the cats will attack en masse, herding us running and screaming towards the water, where Big Pooga’s aquatic minions will finish the work?

I fear that these attacks are connected, and that they will hearken the beginning of a wave of feline violence the likes of which we can scarce imagine. We must take to the bomb shelters, stock the shelves with food, and wait.

Pray to your Gods.

Nels St. Claire.