Flipping Out With Joe Mikulik

When I was 6 years old, I punched my grandmother in the face and then repeatedly shut the oven door on her head because she refused to give me just 4 more animal crackers! 4 MORE!!!

When I was 16 my high school chemistry teacher, Mrs. Stephens, accused me of cheating so I took a vat of hydochloric acid and threw it against her wall melting the pictures of her ugly ass family. Then, I sat down in my chair and clearly reenacted how I couldn't have cheated off the chick next to me with the big jugs because said jugs flopped over her test paper preventing any opportunity to cheat. I then micturated in Mrs. Stephens' fish tank while screaming at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT A CHEATER!".

A few years ago my youngest daughter got a puppy for her birthday. One afternoon, after I had gone way out of my way to Dairy Queen to purchase a cold, delicious strawberry shake to feed my craving for a cold, delicious strawberry shake I had to take a quick phone call in my study and left my cold, delicious strawberry shake in the kitchen. Upon completion of the call, I returned to the kitchen to find said puppy in the middle of a cold, delicious strawberry shake puddle on the kitchen floor. I got so angry and red in the face that my bow tie I was wearing caught on fire and smoke started to spout from my ears like steam from a tea pot. I then made a scream that only mythological sirens could understand, which broke every piece of glass in my house. I picked up the puppy and proceeded to punt it through some football uprights. When my daughter started to cry at the "cruelty" I had shown to her "precious Snaps", I dropped an anvil on her head and then punted her through some uprights as well. I then found a spoon and tried to salvage what I could of my now warm, melted, but delicious none-the-less strawberry floor shake.

So, some could say I have a "history of poor anger management". Some could say I "make mountains out of mole hills". I say that I'm merely a man of my own accord. I'm just trying to play with the cards I've been dealt and fighting for the little man and trying to rid the world of injustice. My life motto: "NEVER SURRENDER". My good friend, homie, brethren, mentor, etc., Malcolm X said "by any means necessary". Therefore, I feel justified in my actions from Sunday afternoon's baseball game in which, I "lost control" and garnered me a suspension and fine (as I'm sure you've all heard or seen by now). Here's the footage, just in case...



Shit, I hate Stuart Scott. Personally, I think I need to do some more bicep and deltoid work in the gym...where I'm regularly found forging my own weights from scrap steel I find under the highway.

So, now I find myself with 7 days off and out $1,000. What am I going to do with myself? I don't know. Some say I should "go to counseling". Some say I should take a trip or find a hobby. Hey! I have a hobby! It's called kicking ass and taking names and flipping the ass out!

Just this morning, I woke up to find my neighbor putting HIS trashbags into MY trash bin because his overly wasteful ass is too much for HIS bin to handle. I instantly Fred Flinstoned (walking with chest forward, feet stomping, arms pressed like concrete down to the ground) to the curb where I flung his trash all over his yard saying "shit" a lot. I then, set his piece of shit Toyota Prius ablaze while grabbing my crotch in the direction of his house with one hand and giving him the bird with the other. Next, I chopped down the giant oak in his front yard with my hands and fashioned a battering ram with which I knocked down his front door. I punched my neighbor in the nose, gave him a wedgie and then burned the bottom of his feet with a hot iron I had plugged in earlier. Finally, I told him his kids were "ugly retards" and that his wife had small boobs and stormed out after scattering some Chips Ahoy cookies across his living room.

Some say I'm insane and evil. I say I'm just living. Some say I need to relax. I say you can kiss my ass.

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Let me drop some more knowledge on you childrens. These are things you need to know.

KNOWLEDGE #6
Rollerblading is not awesome. Ever.

Rollerblading came into mass popularity sometime in the mid 1980s (i think). People would go to the local mercantile and purchase brightly colored blades and then get together with friends to rollerblade up and down their respective streets. They would form sweet rollerblading clubs and roll up and down the avenues in different formations like the "V", the "Z" and the "Long Dong Dragon". Correspondingly awful fashion was employed to make the rollerblader look like a giant neon colored spandex enthusiast. In the 80s, a decade regarded as completely ridiculous, rollerblading and its many life changing behaviors were merely drops in the big bucket of said ridiculousiosity. The lame way people looked both wearing blades and "blading" on blades was also partially acceptable in the early to mid 90s. However, in our current climate of awesome (of which the Johnny is oh-so-happy to be a part of), rollerblading needs to be outlawed. The only time rollerblading is at all warranted is when you have the blades on and are performing sweet tricks off of benches, rails, cars, or drained pools. In any other set of circumstances rollerblading is not awesome. Not at all.

That's it for now. Happy Fathers Day everyone!

I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledge to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

Let's watch movies: Heat

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Heat. Heat stars Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, Tommy "Boom Boom" Sizemore and one of my favorite actors, Tom Noonan.

Heat is a movie about bad mother-fuckin' dudes. I actually heard that Bad Mother-Fuckin' Dudes Kickin' Ass and Stealin' Some Shit was a potential title. The movie centers around the "adventures" of two men. Pacino plays a cop (who kicks ass) and DeNiro plays a crook (who steals some shit). The two men respect each other but want to put a stop to one another at the same time. The movie is punctuated by some of the slickest and most radical action scenes ever captured in a movie. There are a lot of bullets and a lot of windows being broken. The movie takes a turn for the awesome as Pacino and DeNiro get more and more intense until it eventually pole vaults well over the previously set record of awesome and sets a new one during the final hour. Oh yeah, Tom Noonan is in it. He hasn't been this good since Robocop 2 and that is really saying something. Heat is an astoundingly awesome and all around amazingly astute action adventure (ALLITERATION BITCHES) movie. It is three hours long but it's a good three hours. It doesn't really feel long. It feels developed. Yeah.

Reviews tend to be both more difficult to write and less entertaining to read when the movie being reviewed is good. I will make a note of this and try to review pure shit (see Havoc) more often in the future.

+PROS+
+Stellar cast that delivers on all of its potential.
+Multiple hair styles from Val Kilmer!!
+Tom Noonan with a beard.
+LOTS of broken glass.
+Jeremy Piven is actually in this movie.

-CONS-
-There were not enough references to the temperature being "damned hot". This made me feel cheated by the title. A movie called Heat should be about hotness. Pacino should've looked DeNiro right in the face and said, "DAMN IT MAAANNN! IT IS HOT!". That would've really made it for me in a big way.
-The fact that John Voight (yeah he's in this too...and he's surly as balls) doesn't spell his name John VOYT.

I give this film a 8.99878 out of 10
-Derek

The JU(H)S Goes East: Andrew heads to the land of the Red Dragon

Well, after enough delay to invoke a full-fledged anticlimax, I have finally arrived in Hong Kong. I have the tendency land in new places at night, so I don't think I've had the full effect yet. From what I can tell so far, it seems pretty awesome. Right now it's 11:20pm - unfortunately my body thinks it's 11:20am. Consequently, I probably won't be sleeping tonight. I'm debating whether or not to go out and explore a strange city after midnight, or stay put and live to see daylight. I think I'll opt for prudence at this juncture - I'm here until November, so I'll have plenty of time for excursions.

Although situated in a much more exotic locale, I can't say my story has the same flair as Michael's recent travels. He is kicking ass and taking names (possibly literally regarding the latter) as a PA and LA Film Festival intern. I am merely carrying on virtually the same job I had in NY, except with even more excruciating hours. Hopefully in the coming weeks, I will have something more interesting to report. In the meantime, as Derek so eloquently put, we can finally say the JU(H)S is international - spanning the globe from HK, LA, Dallas, NY, and soon London. Not bad fellas. The expansion can only continue.

Lastly, some tidbits: Derek - I expect a copy of Elephant Gun. I will find some way to pay you, probably via the parents. Mike - I appreciate your attempt to compromise on our naming scheme with "JU(H)S". As you can see, I've adopted this format for my own use. Henceforth, the Johnny Utah Symposium shall be know as, not "JUS", not "JUhS", but ... "JU(H)S". Previously, not enough acronyms contained parentheses. We can proudly say we righted this wrong. Andy - if you're in a movie with Walter Sobchak ... ... there are no words. Please make this happen.

Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii,

Andrew
"Proud JU(H)S Member Since 2006!"

DEREK 360: We are not dead.

Hey gang,

I thought I would take this opportunity to fill in all of you with the recent happenings of the JUS founding dad dudes. This is being provided to both inform and potentially entertain you all and to also operate as an excuse for the lack of posting in the past week to 10 days. Let's see here:

Michael is in Los Angeles as he so perfectly articulated in the post below this one. He is there accosting celebrities and chasing his dreams.

Andrew is in the process of moving to Hong Kong. No joke. Once he's there and settled the JUS will go international in a big way. Yes. Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii.

Andy has signed with a talent agent and recently auditioned for a sweet Xmas-based MOW (Movie of the Week) with John Goodman.

Oh, and me? It is no secret that I play in a band called Hardin Sweaty and The Ready to Go. The band just completed album number three and it is currently being manufactured into mass quantities somewhere in Indiana. It should be available to the public for the first time June 30th. The album is called Elephant Gun and it is probably the best album ever made. Ever.

It's all very exciting.

Stay tuned because the JUS is reloading. More and more new and exciting content (that will be the fucking awesome) is coming soon.

-Derek