For Your Consideration...

Juhsoldiers,

In light of the recent uptrend in global stingray attacks per capita, coupled with the attention gravitating towards the southern African nation of Namibia (due mostly to the Pitt-Jolie offspring -- aka Genesis -- and Snipes' tax evasion, or "filming"), I have reached a startling conclusion. I suggest to all of you that I have, through induction, found where Big Pooga resides; the very location of his headquarters for world domination.

We need look no farther than Namibia itself. I present to you the following exhibits:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B


There you have it. Namibia is clearly shaped like a stingray, Big Pooga's assassin of choice. Coincidence? I think not.

What does this confounding revelation tell us? What should our next course of action be? I don't have the answer folks. But as our good friends in Metallica tell us, "fight fire with fire." And the only way I know to fight the whip of a stingray tail is with the whip of, well ... a whip. You all know what this means.

I beseech you ... help us Whipmaster Charlie. You're our only hope.

Stay the course,
Andrew (juhs)

DEREK 360: Let's take a trip!

Hello friends!

Come along with me to a magical place. A place where luxury is an understatement. A place where ostentatious is the norm and everything reeks of cleanliness and money. A place where there are a billion rainbows and each has a pot of gold that is filled with gold. A place that reeks of gold. A place that is fucking incredible. And awesome. A place where black limos patrol the streets just begging to take opulent citzens from gala to gala.

LET'S FLY AWAY TO SNIPES LAND!!!


All the luxury 12 million in stolen government money can buy!!
(Note the sweet "Snipes Land" marquee Wesley had installed. It is 3 miles in length. The "Land" part has been slowly falling down Mt. Blade II for the past few months due to massive tectonic activity around Jungle Fever Cove.)

Slowly Reloading,
Derek

FYI

Sean Penn is the shittiest actor in the world, and anyone who thinks different gets to die of cancer.

-Tits Drexler

BREAKING NEWS

Attention All:

The currency in Vietnam is called a "dong". One dollar will get you 16,000 dongs.

That is all.

Warmest Regards,
Andrew (juhs)

GRINDHOUSE!

Briefly reporting in,
Mike

Let's watch movies: The Departed

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today I am going to talk about The Departed. Actually, that is not entirely accurate. I am going to gush about how awesome The Departed was. I would like to believe that I am a movie "buff" (whatever the hell that term means). I go to the movies on a semi-regular basis and my knowledge of movie crap is marginally impressive. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to believe me when I announce that The Departed is the best movie of 2006 (thus far).

Martin Scorsese has crafted another movie in the same mold as his previous best. Goodfellas, Taxi Driver and even Casino share the same style. Gritty, layered, powerful cinema that just feels cool in every way. The Departed brings Marty back to this same style after his good and bad historical dalliances of the past half decade. He's back on the streets and it's fucking awesome.

The Departed follows the trials and tribulations of two cops in Boston. One is a high ranking officer (Matt Damon) who is a rat for a crime lord (Jack Nicholson). The other is an undercover cop (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is in with said crime lord ratting to the cops. The movie blazes at a quick pace as the two rats jockey for position in an attempt to benefit their respective sides. People get shot, punched, beaten up with coat racks, and thrown off of buildings. Everyone swears. A lot. Nicholson even breaks out a dildo in a porno movie theatre at one point. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg is in there too stealing every scene he's in with his "holy shit this guys is SUCH an asshole" attitude. Alec Baldwin is also in top form.

I warned you above. Forgive my gushing.

This was a movie that plastered a big stupid smile on my face and left it there for like 150 minutes. Everytime someone would get punched or say something menacing this little jar labeled the "jar of cool" would just get more and more full in my mind, until by the end of the movie I was walking to my car feeling really awesome. I think the jar overfilled and made me believe that the movie theatre parking lot was quite a bit more awesome then it actually was. Point is, the movie is really, really good. And cool. And awesome. Gushing. Pros and Cons.

+PROS+
+There were like 4 or 5 different times in this thing when one cop punched another cop in the face in the middle of the police station. Realistic? Doubtful. Awesome? Oh yeah.
+Wahlberg really tore it up.
+All the performances were top notch.
+The whole movie was kind of a pro.

-CONS-
-The dude next to me eating ice during the movie. Not cool fat man.

I know this wasn't funny and I don't care. Go see The Departed.

I give this film a 9.12332 out of 10
-Derek

Happy Columbus Day!

Go out and rent Nine Months, Stepmom, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, Mrs. Doubtfire AND Adventures in Babysitting. Actually, get Stepmom off that list and add Bicentennial Man. You guys remember that one? It's where Robin Williams (in sober mode) played a robot and, well, I've never seen it, but i think he wants some feelings or something. Actually that's A.I., which isn't a Columbus gem. Shit. I'm missing the point here. It's Columbus Day and we need to celebrate the man and his accomplishments.

Obvious Joke Master,
Derek