DEREK 360: Hilarious

Hey Kids!

Making his very first appearance on the Johnny U, everyone please extend a warm welcome to Herbert the Violently Spooging Elephant!

Herbert hails from deep in the African savanna and we're pleased to have him on the symposium. Apart from his obvious talent, Herbert also excels at trampling small to medium sized brush, bathing with his trunk and swatting tsetse flies with his tail. Here are some other fast facts:

- Herbert enjoys Jessica Alba movies.
- Herbert once engaged a lion in a staring contest. The lion won.
- Herbert thinks Chuck Norris is a pussy, but wouldn't tell him to his face.
- Herbert's piano has ivory keys, but he doesn't find it ironic.
- Herbert was discovered in the wild between 1927 and 1931 by Wilbur Burris and it changed his life forever.
- Herbert has a cleft toe on his left rear leg, but hasn't let it stop him from achieving.
- Herbert loves mice and has a terrible memory.
- Herbert isn't embarrassed by his body.
- Herbert thinks global warming is bullshit.
- Herbert can't vote, but if he could it would be for Hillary.

Remember kids, Herbert is a wild animal and extremely dangerous. He's no camel, but watch out - he spits!

OK, it's time he was on his way home now.


Goodbye Herbert... see you soon!

Hey, Dudez.

Yo. It's Mikey. I just want everyone to know that I think this blog blows ass, too.

See you next month,
Mikey

Happy Birthday, Tone Loc!!!

He's been loc-ing tones and supplying my DJ playlist with the hottest jamz for 42 years now.

So let's all take a moment to reflect on greatness and take in a couple of things that Loc wanted you to know:

"I don't fool around with no Oscar Meyer weiner"

"You know, ain't no plans with a man. This is the 80s and I'm down the ladies."

"Brothaz don't surf"

"The name's Juice."

Happy birthday stud!!!

January Cardigans: Top Ten List

Hey, bitchys. Let's review the month:

1.) The Founding Dad Dudes experienced the healing power of awesome during their reunion in The Big Apple.

2.) I went back to work.

3.) THERE WILL BE BLOOD went into wide release, quickly becomes the best film of the decade. Milkshake sales go up six hundred percent:



3.) Brad Renfro died.

4.) I got promoted at work. :)

5.) Heath Ledger died. :(

6.) I wrecked my car.

7.) Quentin Tarantino experienced the healing power of awesome in Park City, Utah:



8.) Taj Mahal burned down, but was rebuilt so fast no one noticed.

9.) MEET THE SPARTANS became the number one film at the box office. Resulted in the true loss of America's innocence.

10.) Barack Obama confirmed he's black.

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You said it, Tony. January 2008 has been a rollercoaster ride. The only question is: The ride from FINAL DESTINATION 3 or from FEAR?

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: Fuck the editors. I circumvented those mother-fuckers.


Enough is enough.

The four no-dick, sacks of shit that supposedly run this blog have done enough fucking around. I've been submitting articles to this e-rag for months now and none of them have been getting published. And when something does get published it's some trite chronicle of how "bad ass" and "awesome" these fuckin' guys are. I'm tired of the fiction. This blog needs to get fucked again and the cock that's gonna do it belongs to me.

With that said. Let's talk about some upcoming movies.

Witless Protection
I'm not even going to watch the TRAILER for this pile of burning human carcasses. I don't need to. Let me give some credit to Larry the shit-eater though. This guy really knows how to sell the same fuckin' joke over and over for years at a time. Sitting through this would be an exercise in recycling food. I'd fuckin' puke, eat the puke (cause that'd be more fun and interesting than watching this sandpaper gloved handjob of a movie) and puke again. I'm gonna be fuckin' sick. I wouldn't mind fucking the chick on the poster though but that's not the issue here.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Leatherheads
George Clooney. George fuckin' Clooney. Let me just explain my disgust for this guy real fast. I'm sure you've all heard of a movie called Ocean's 11. Not the original with Frankie S. but the update with George Clooney and Casey Affleck. I was in negotiations for the lead in that movie when fucking George Clooney comes in the room, takes out his dick and says, "cast this dick". Of course that cunning sack of shit got the part. The TRAILER for this Leatherheads thing looks like garbage though. Who fucking cares about sports. Or history. It's all about trusting the present and fucking embracing art. Now my blood is up.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

In the Name of The King
Uwe Boll is a fucking genius. Ghandi is bullshit. Sexy Beast is bullshit. The House of Sand and Fog is TOTAL bullshit (and Ron Eldard can suck my fuckin' dick). The best Ben Kingsley performance of all time was in Boll's under-appreciated masterwork, Bloodrayne. He was just so raw. The TRAILER makes it look like we can expect a similarly stunning turn out of Ray "I peaked with Unlawful Entry" Liotta. We'll see though.

Thumbs Up Really High.
A lot of Stars.

The Johnny Utah editors can't fuckin' stop me anymore so you can expect to hear from me. Lots. Hugs and kisses. Go fuck yourselves.

-Vincent Gallo

JUhS Christmas Minutes

Sadly, the Johnny U Founding Dad Dudes were somewhat fragmented for Christmas Eve this year. In place of the Copes' annual Turtleneck extravaganza, a teleconference call was held. This being the first annual JUhS Christmas Eve Teleconference Call, no one was tapped to record the minutes beforehand. As junior Founding Dad Dude and former Eagle Scout, I was determined to have ultimately been responsible for taking down minutes and will thus attempt to do so retroactively in order to fulfil this duty.

The following is a fairly recent account of what transpired. These minutes are incomplete. In fact, this call may very well not have happened.

ROLL CALL:

Andy - Dallas
Michael Thomas - Dallas
PT (note: not a founding dad dude) - Dallas
Derek - Ohio
Andrew - New York
[????? non-understandable muttering, perhaps a Gen] - Dallas
"I don't want to be on this stupid call" - Dallas

TELECONFERENCE MINUTES:

[Dallas signs on]

[Ohio signs on]

[Ohio is booted]

[New York signs on]

Variations of "hello?" and "what's going on?" are uttered. It is determined that a sign in system should take place. Said system determines Ohio is not on the call. Time to flush it out.

[Call is aborted]

[Call is reinstated]

[Dallas signs on]

[Ohio signs on]

[Ohio is booted]

[New York signs on]

Again, after a sign on mishap, Ohio is not on the call. After some Christmas magic from the Dallas teleconference epicenter, all three JUhS outposts are simultaneously on the call.

Andy wishes everyone Merry Christmas and Happy Turtleneck Day.

Derek wishes everyone a Happy Christmas and large erections. This statement is to be taken as a scientific rather than crude one.

Andrew wishes everyone a Happy Jesus Day and very, very, very Happy Turtleneck Christmas.

Michael Thomas has nothing. He then leaves the teleconference room, very likely to inject, snort or otherwise imbibe some sort of banned substance.

Michael Thomas re-enters the room and states he fucked a black woman named Rasheed.

Andy said he woke up this morning with the following written in his mirror:
"I can't go down to the water's edge
I didn't do it, I saw who did it"
It is concluded this was likely written by Santa Claus.

The Founding Dad Dudes state this call may be the stupidest moment of their friendship.

An argument transpires over who will record the minutes for the call.

It is determined Andrew should have taken the minutes and is stripped of his Eagle Scout award.

Confused mumbling ensues.

All parties sign off. The teleconference call is adjourned.

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There you have it. I have no idea how to take minutes, but it's about time we had them on this blog. Merry Christmas everyone. Signing off.