Good media.

Here is a brief list of the reasons why this link (which was sent to me by the venerable Nels St. Claire) is being posted on the JUS:

1. Lo Pan
2. Abraham Lincoln pole-vaulting
3. Chuck Norris' thighs

Enjoy!

Ultimate Showdown

-The Radical Tad

Song of the week.

The song of the week this week is from a band called Charlottefield. Charlottefield released an album last year called "How Long Are Staying". This is the first song from that album. This song will burrow deep inside your head and create a colony of dissonant screams, frenetic drumming and catchy guitar riffs. You will be a citizen of this colony and you will sit in your thatch-roofed colonial house humming this song in a state of complete and total euphonious bliss. Well, that may be an exaggeration, but it's a rad song all the same. Enjoy.

Charlottefield - Nine Tails

Thanks to Thomas, who doesn't know he's hosting this song.
-Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to tie a tie

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding.


Howdy all you mother-fuckers. This is Vincent Gallo. I'm gonna fuckin' kill all of you, but first, I'm gonna teach you some necessary shit to make the lifes your living worth two fucks. Today lets tie a fucking tie.

This tie is called a "Four-in-hand" knot. We're gonna take this step buy step for all you dumb fucks. There's gonna be a quiz at the end so you better fuckin' listen, or I'll step on your neck (no goddamn pun intended).


STEP 1: Begin with the wide end on your right and extending about a foot below the narrow end of your tie.

STEP 2: Bring the wide end of the tie over the narrow (right side to left side).

STEP 3: Bring the wide end underneath the narrow end (left side to right side).

STEP 4: Bring the wide end of the tie over the narrow again (right side to left side).

STEP 5: Bring the wide end of the tie through the back of the loop (left side to center).

STEP 6: Hold the front of the knot loose with your index finger; pass the wide end down through the loop (created in step 4) in front.

Fuck, there a lot of fucking steps hear. Lemme tell you kids and babies about a fuckin' thing that happened to me back in 2001. I was at this convention. I was doing some fucking business, the details are not your business so don't fucking ask. I call this old friend of mine and he's like "hey man you should call this fuckin' prostitute I know and get her to suck on your meat". I called the whore and she came to my hotel room. She was a fucking wreck, just the way I like it. I told her to take off her fucking clothes or I would "kill her" (was I kidding?). She got naked and she had a fucking dick. Fuck. Back to the steps. Stay focused.

STEP 7: Remove your finger and tighten the knot.

STEP 8: Hold the narrow end of the tie and slide the knot up to the collar.

That's it. Go tie sixteen ties you fuckin' animals. I'm gonna go walk the streets of New York. All night.

-Vincent Gallo

Song of the week.

The song of the week this week is from Cat Power. Cat Power will be releasing a new album January 24 (yeah, that's tomorrow) and this is the title track off of that new album. Enjoy.

Cat Power - The Greatest

-Derek

BON JOVI UPDATE!!

Last night in Canada, Bon Jovi's tour jet skidded off a runway. No one was injured. Supposedly the pilots of the Boeing 707 overshot the runway by a few hundred feet which then led to the near-fatal skid. However, this morning I received a phone call from the JUS loving Jonny Bon himself. He wanted to set the record straight on what went on and the amazing set of circumstances that kept that plane from exploding. I recorded the conversation and a transcript of it is below (edited for content at the request of Jon Bon Jov himself).

>>>>>>>>>>
Bon Jovi (BJ): Derek, are you there!?!
Derek(D): Wha...hello?
BJ: This is Bon Jovi.
D: Oh hey man, what's going on?
BJ: My plane skidded off a runway in Canada. I almost (FLUFFING) died man. Sambora was crying like a little (GIRLY). Forgive me if I'm a little hysterical but-
D: -Hey Bon Jovi, take it easy dude.
BJ: LISTEN UP MAN!
D: Whoa...
BJ: We were skidding right, and I was certain that I was gonna (STINKIN') die. All of a sudden, I peak out the window and I see Dan Akroyd out on the runway with some strange contraption made entirely out of bungee cables. He was runn-
D: -Whoa...did you say Dan Akroyd?
BJ: YES MAN! IT WAS (MATERNAL-FROGGING) DAN AKROYD. HE HAD ON A PROTON PACK!! HE STOPPED THE PLANE!!!! HE SAVED MY ROCKIN' (BEHIND)!!
D: Forgive me if I don't believe you JB, but that sounds like (HOGWASH).
BJ: Hey man, I'm Bon Jovi..............
D: Ok?
BJ: A proton pack. This is the (FORNICATING) truth.
>>>>>>>>>>

The crazy part is that I believe him.

THANK YOU DAN AKROYD. YOU ARE A GOOD CANADIAN!

-Derek

Allow me to Introduce Myself...

My name is Vi-O!
Rhymes with an "hola".
Infact my name is Sweaty Frank Viola!

My favorite drink is Jami' and cola!
Used to win accolades by the wheelbarr-ola!

Haha. Did you guys like that? That's just a sampling just exactly how multi-talented I am. It's me, your favorite Minnesota Twin of old...and music critic of now...Sweaty Frank Viola. A.K.A. "Sweet Music" in some circles. Why? Because I have the hot sports opinions on the blazingest (and the hottest) jams around. As well, I'm a lifelong member of the Johnny Utah Symposium. So, check in frequently for my latest reviews of music...new and old. As well, we'll have some other legitimate rantings, ravings, and reviews of music that should help you in all your music perusings.

So, let's get this party started right. Today, I'd like to review (for all you fine folks) two songs...one old and one new.

OLD
My "Sweaty With the Oldies" selection is LITERALLY (NOT EVEN KIDDING) my favorite song of all time: The Thompson Twins' "Hold Me Now". OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! Has there ever been a better song? This is probably the Walter Johnson of Rock and Roll. This song brings the rock right at your chin and isn't afraid to cry. Just examine the lyrics:

I have a picture
Pinned to my wall
An image of you and of me and we´re laughing
We´re loving it all

But look at our life now
We're tattered and torn
We're fussing and fighting, delighting with tears
That we cry until dawn

Hold me now.
Warm my heart.
Stay with me.
Let loving start.


Sweet sassy molassy! THOSE THOMPSON TWINS REALLY WENT TO THE ROSING BAG WITH THIS ONE (figuratively). Who hasn't been "fussin' and fightin', delightin' with tears"?

As well, this song is, perhaps, the best use of castanets EVER. I bet the Thompson Twins really did need some rosin (or at least some pine tar) to achieve this Charlie Hough-like, expert control. I used to spin this song on my iPod while up on the mound during the 1988 season. You want to add more drop to your breaker? Just pipe some of this sweet synth rock into your ears and you'll have mad RBI Baseball 3 like control! Checks it out!

NEW

Real quick, 'cuz this is already 2 long (that's modern 'net type). My new song is actually a remake of sorts. It's the rap version of The Eagle's "Life in the Fastlane". This song is RAWKING! It's Don Henley's voice ganter-layered over a life, echoing background of hard drums and Joe Walsh's, Glen Frey's and Timothy Schmit's power chords. It's slow and pulsing and haunting as Henley's hammers out:

He was a hardheaded man he was brutally handsome
And she was terminally pretty
She held him up and he held her for ransom
In the heart of the cold, cold city


Man! That's awesome! The Eagles prove that their probably the greatest raptor moniker rock band of all time and if you were to look in their proverbial diaper...you'd see all types of music because they can duke out anything like it was nothing.

That's all for now, folks! I'm going fishing!

Stay tuned! And remember: "ROCK AND ROLL AIN'T NOISE POLLUTION!"

-Sweaty Frank Viola

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "The Morning Meadow"

In the morning meadow I will see your face.
It will be radiant and RADIANT.
I love you a million times each and everyday.
You are the power of joy!
OH BOY!

I have so much love to give to you my sweet.
You are the prettiest lady on my street.
IN THE MORNING MEADOW THE DEW IS STRONG.
YOU ARE THE POWER OF LOVE!
OH YEAH!

If we were vegtables we would be onions,
because you and me baby, we've got layers.
YOU ARE SECOND TO NONE-YUNS,
and my heart is beating fast.
OH YES!

In the morning meadow...

-Bad Poetry Guy

Welcome to the information station.

Welcome to The Johnny Utah Symposium (JUS). The JUS is a collection of professionals from across the northern hemisphere who have the unified goal of providing the public (that's you guys) with information about literally everything.

Now a brief history of the JUS.

The JUS was founded in 1932 by a man named Wilbur Burris. He was a steel worker by day and a loving family man by night. He was living the normal life that anyone in the 1930's could hope for when one day he vomited up a gold locket. Inside the locket was a picture of the great Johnny Utah. The locket was filled with hella-loads of magic and it immediately began transforming the world around Wilbur Burris. For the next few months Mr. Burris was up late into the nights conducting experiments and solving problems under the careful supervision of Johnny Utah (via the locket). Not long after this Mr. Burris was fired from his steel mill job and was deserted by his once loving family. Mr. Burris had completely changed from a man with an ideal life to a man who was hanging on by a thin thread. It was when Mr. Burris was at his very worst that he got word that there were others like him who had regurgiated other Johnny Utah relics. Mr. Burris changed his name to Magnus (for no real reason) and started the Johnny Utah Symposium (JUS) as a sanctuary for these brilliant, yet socially awkward, men. Now, dozens of years later there is no longer any vomiting involved in becoming a member of the JUS. Instead you just have to be a great thinker who likes thinking about thinking and thinks about things to think about. Yeah, the JUS is fucking rad.

Check back often, because you never know what will be going on here at the Johnny Utah Symposium (JUS).

-The Radical Tad