Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


Well, well, well. It's that fuckin' time again you shitty fucks. I know you guys normally rely on me to give you guidance on everything from how to get a woman off to quilting but today I've got something a little different planned for you. I'm gonna throw some opinions at you. This is some shit you fucks can talk about at the water cooler or the fucking bullshit commercialized coffee bar. Go up to your shitty fat-fuck coworker pals and tell them all about what "Crazy Vinny" said on the J-Tah. If you call me Vinny though I'll take out my dick, shave my ass, and fuck you. Just so you know.

Let's talk about movies. I'm gonna talk about some upcoming releases and then give you guys my thoughts on them. I don't know what else to fuckin' say right here. On with the movies.

Stay Alive
The plot of this movie seems to be pretty clear. It's about a videogame that is fucking alive and killing all of the sad sack fucks who are playing it. The game is called "Stay Alive". This shit looks pathetic. In the TRAILER it shows a bunch of stupid assholes sitting in a room playing some game. I think I saw Franklin "Malcolm in my fuckin' Middle" Muniz in there. I did blow with that motherfucker in the bathroom at the Roxy like three years ago. He looked up at me and told me he was like 13 so I spat on him and ran. I have a firm hatred of that tiny motherfucker and anything he touches so on that criteria alone I'll be staying away from this fuckin' garbage. Another problem I have with this tripe is that Stephen Dorff is not involved in anyway. I didn't think you could make a shitty horror flick these days without at least getting Dorff's blessing. Fuck it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Basic Instinct 2
Oh shit. You mean to tell me that the fucked up sex crazed bitch from BI-1 is back and she's actually got the same shit going on? What are the fucking chances there? Fuck this bullshit. This is a prime example of movies and the whole worthless fuckin' industry just fucking itself to make money. I'm sure that fat-fuck Ebert will love this shit though. Put some non-simulated cock sucking in a movie (see The Brown Bunny ) and watch out. Get some realness in there and people are all up in fuckin' arms but bring out Sharon Stone's antique tittys and everyone's popping fuckin' boners. Whoa. I got a little flustered there. Sorry about that. I just hate Roger Ebert. Lots. I watched the TRAILER and I kept wondering in my mind "why they would fuckin' make this shit". This is why I'm focused on music now. Oh, and who the fuck is David Morrissey? Fuck this shit all day.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Oh fuck. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck? FUCK! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WHITE-TRASH FUCK? IS THIS SHIT FUNNY?

Watching the TRAILER for this movie made me want to buy a pony and train it to fuck the daughter that I don't claim but undoubtedly have. If I, while watching this trailer, had held the cure to all fo the world's woes I would have shat on that cure and said FUCK THE MISERABLE WORLD THAT WOULD YIELD THIS FUCKING SWILL.

Shit like this makes me wanna go back to killing.

Thumbs Down.
Less than None Stars.

My blood pressure is up. Stay away from film. Go out and get fucked instead.

-Vincent Gallo