DEREK 360: People love to fake it.

Hello friends,

I've been a busy man this past week. I have been wandering the globe searching for information about a few stories I am currently working on. This is not one of them. I mostly just want you all to think I'm a bad ass globe-trotting, jet-setting reporter type. It may or may not be total bullshit.

This story is about faking it.

*In the past few weeks the American public has been blown away by coverage about John Mark Karr and his supposed killing of the wee beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey back in 1996. The press sniffed this story all the way over in Thailand like three weeks ago and the scent was so strong they didn't let it go. They posted every little detail about Mr. Karr's creepy fucked up lifestyle. They sensationalized his quotes about his "love" for JonBenet. They quickly talked about the fact that every single man and woman and even a few animals in America saw Johnny Karr on the night of the killing. They blew this thing out of proportion like crazy and in the end John Mark Karr loves to fake it.


Johnny Karr's DNA does not match the gross festering petri dishes of murderer DNA that we still have sitting around from '96. Now he can go back to his "normal" life. He'll have a quick stop off in California to get a slap on the wrist for some child porno charges, but after that he can get right back down to the business of being the creepiest mother fucker to hit the media scene since Dahmer.

*In New Orleans there was a major natural disaster a year ago. There is nothing fake about that. However, on Monday a man stood up at a conference in New Orleans and made claims about public housing. He said he was the deputy assistant secretary of the department of housing and urban development (HUD). He spoke after the Louisiana governor and my favorite mayor, Ray Ray Nagin. He said that HUD was halting plans to demolish thousands of units in the area. However, the man loves to fake it.

The dude dissapeared quickly after his speech. What he said was total bullshit. He left a card behind proclaiming that the whole conference had just been the victim of an elaborate prank. Ashton Kutcher was not involved and all those HUD units are getting destroyed.

*I'm sitting here right now watching the movie Proof. It's got Anthony Hopkins, Jake Gylenhaal and Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth Paltrow is supposedly a great actress. She's got an Oscar trophy and the fact that she hasn't made a movie in like two years actually matters to people. However, Gwenny loves to fake it.

Because she sucks.

YAYYYYYY,
Derek

Fidel Castro: Last Will and Testament

Hola compadres and amigos. Your good friend, Fidel Castro, here. That picture is from my Liam Neeson phase days. Its quite flattering, if I must speak so myself I. Over the past few semanas there have been reports of me being in no so bueno health. Though greatly exaggerated, there is some truth to these rumors. Si mi amigos. It looks as if my days on this planet are labeled with numbers and those labels are running in order like 34,33,32,31 ecksetara ecksetara. You know. Getting smaller and more pequeno. I am indeed infermo. I decided I should probably start preparing for the death end of my life being over.



Being said that, I made up my brain to make up my "last will and testament" (as my lawyer says is). I have placed it in the hands of the only compadres I trust in the world: Los Padres del Simposio Juanny Utah. These hombres have filled me with feliz jelly for some times now and I knew that the only way to make sure my words were not thrown away like basura was to ask for the grace of permission from The Padres to publish this last request of mine. I asked and was met with a muy fuerte "YEAH MANS!" Haha. I usually would be feasting on the corazon ensalada of ensalada y corazones of those who displayed such disrespect to me, but not from these jokester fun funny cabelleros.

Before I start, I'd like to open up with a few laugh jokes. What do you call four of my fellow Cubans sinking in quick sand? CUATRO SINKO! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Did you hear that Hooters Big Boob Restuarant of Wings and Beer and Whores is starting their own airline? SI! Es cierto! All the assigned chair seats are 32DD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Tito, hand me some hand 5 finger skin on the low!!!

A few weeks ago was my birthday. Yeah, it's ok that you missed it. A lot of people here in Cuba-land did too. They're dead now. Fortunately for you I have turned new leaf and will let you skin by. But speaking of cumpleanos, what is the worst gift you can give someone for their special day surprise.........?!


....AIDS!!!!!



Ok. Enough funny. On to business.

First, I would like to warn you all that my heart is wired to a sensor which in turn is also wired to sensors which is rigged to some boom fire explosions planted all around the world. This is just exactly as Juanny Utah Padre, Andy, predicted. When my heart stops...EXPLODE! Reminds me of a would you rather. Would you rather: get exploded crotch first and die? ...or win the $900,000,000,000 tax free lottery?

As many of you know. I have mucho dinero. I would like to will half of it to my good amigo, Tom Cruise for him to start his new production company. I am actually half Scientologist and half Methodist...or as I like to call myself SCIENTIST! (Laugh you stubborn assholes before I fire squad you to death). The rest will be donated towards the budget of the greatest show ever made, Blue Collar TV. NOT! BOY DOES THAT SHOW FUCKING SUCK! FUCK THOSE HILLBILLY AMERICAN FUCKS! Hey, America! That's why I hate you! Not because of the Bay of Pigs or free commerce or anything. Geez. Hey! JEFF FOXWORTHY! PUT DOWN YOUR SISTERS PENIS FROM YOUR MOUTH! Am I right?!

I will my copy of Surf Ninjas to that dirty Pollock Mike Sopadoogee (JUS). I will my mustache to that dirty Wop Andrew (JUhS). I will my love of bestiality to that dirty Kraut Derek (JUS). I will my strip of oceanside sex-slave dwellings (or as I call it the "Pleasure Peninsula") as well as all the disease free, horny womens and riches inside to Andy (JUhS). As well, all you boys will receive equal shares of my fleet of Packard automobiles. If I regret anything, its that I would have been able to drive one of those PT Chryslers. Dios mio, they are the knees of bees....or the "tits" in my Juanny Utah speak.

I leave my cigar collection to my son, and former Atlanta Brave pitcher, Steve Avery. I leave my gator suit (with matching boots) to Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary. The rest of my things will be divided up on a first come, first serve basis where people will bid and then depending upon the highest price offered within a certain market for said items, the highest paying person will recieve said item. The true communist way.

I'd like to thank my lawyer, the dead and now human cadaver lawyer puppet of Johnnie Cochran. He and I worked well together and made love even better.

So that wraps it up. Before I die, I just wanted to say: Mandy Moore...you're a classy piece of ass and I'm glad I got the chance to spank it to your picture. I want Jay-Z and "Diddy" to MC my funeral and for 500 virgins to be sacrificed so I have something to keep me occupied when I'm out of this bitch.

Thank you all for your time.

Hasta la vista, baby.


Fidel "The Ghostman Wolf" Castro(JUhS)

DEREK 360: Crass Mistake or Exciting New Idea?

Recently in Stockholm, Sweden a porn movie was visible on a monitor in the background during a late night five minute news update. The news was Swedish and the porn was identified as being Czech. Supposedly the people at the news station had been watching a sports program earlier in the day on the channel, Canal Plus. Unfortunately for the newsdudes, Canal Plus plays X-rated movies after a certain time in the evening. They left the monitor on to better give the news break that whole "we've got lots of monitors on lots of different television stations to better demonstrate that we are finely tuned into the news of the world" look. It is also known as the "we look smart" look. It's popular in newsrooms across the world. The porn was on for like a minute before a producer named Per Yng (really awesome name) turned it off.

On one side of the coin I can see this as being a crass and disgusting mistake. What if a little kid had been watching this late night news break? The kid would have, no doubt, grown up to be a sexual deviant with a fetish for Czech sex on tiny screens.

However, on the other side of that porno-mixed-with-news coin is the beginnings of an exciting new idea. What if we incorporated elements of porno into all news? What if Charles Gibson was reading the news in a field packed with naked chicks dancing with one another? How about Barbara Walters standing in a sweaty room populated by three dudes and one chick? She can read the news while the other four people do...other things. We could have Bill O'Reilly move the whole O'Reilly Factor team from his rad studio set to a farm filled with "naughty animals"? We could incorporate porno into all elements of the news and we could...hmmm.

Yeah, this is a really bad idea. Crass mistake Sweden, crass mistake.

To all of the journalists who read this blog, I apologize.
-Derek

Uhhhhhh

Wow. That looks fun. I wonder if it's complete with the watery death at the bottom. Maybe they have a little part that simulates freezing to death in the Atlantic. Now THAT is what I would want at my 5th birthday party.

(NOTE: This post is basically plagiarized from a brilliant piece on our "sister blog". Nice work Lindsay.)

WEEEEEEEE,
Derek

DEREK 360: Fish Rebellion!

Friends and Neighbors,

We have got a serious problem on our hands.

A few weeks ago I reported on a story in which a marlin stabbed a dude. The dude was fishing and the whole thing appeared to be an accident. Unfortunately, some new facts have come to light which make me believe that that incident was no accident. It was merely another felled domino in an awesome Domino Rally style domino display. Last week I stumbled upon another article. This article made it pretty clear that we are facing a serious problem.

On August 9, a man in Florida was enjoying his day with a bit of jet skiiing. He was going along minding his own business when a four foot long sturgeon leapt out of the water and knocked the man into the water. This is for realz. The dude would have died had his special lady not been behind him, ready to keep his head above water until paramedics could airlift him out.

The same article also reveals that in April, on the same body of water (the Suwannee River) a three foot sturgeon sent a woman to the hospital when it jumped out of the water and into her boat. Officials are trying to downplay this whole thing by claiming that a few of these fish jumping "accidents" happen annually but that, unfortunately, is not the truth.

Last week I, hungry for the truth, went down to Florida to do some digging (digging in this case has nothing to do with National Dig in the Dirt Week...oh and that has been expanded as well...it's now National Dig in the Dirt Month...just FYI). I asked countless local fisherdudes about the strange happenings on and around the Suwannee River. One fisherdude told me that the two incidents I was mentioning were not the result of seperate fish. He claimed that the sturgeon who jumped in the boat in April was the same sturgeon who busted the jet skiier in the eye in August. This fisherdude was as wise as the desert is hot.

"That mother-fuckin' fish must've growed like a damn foot. It was about three feet in April and then in August it was a little more than four. That sturgeon's been eating human flesh...that's what's doing it."


Wait, the fish are eating humans? The wise old fisherdude went on to tell me that this one infamous sturgeon, which he called Big Pooga, could talk and had told him that "it was mother-fucking time for a change". Wise Old Fisherdude told me that he spoke to Big Pooga at length and Pooga laid out a full plan on how he was gonna rally the schools and lead the fish in a fish rebellion. The fish, after eating some human flesh...and absorbing some human powers, will overtake the human species and rule the world. Pooga had told him that, "the world is mostly water anyway...right?".

Admittedly, I was still skeptical at this point. I asked the Wise Old Fisherdude why Big Pooga had decided to just chat it up with him as opposed to eat his flesh. At this query, Wise Old Fisherdude rolled up the pant leg on his Bugle Boy Jeans and revealed a righteous pegleg. Whoa.

After I interviewed other fisherdudes I discovered that the marlin incident was linked and that the government has been trying to cover up countless other fish related attacks. The reason for the cover up is simply that if the public knew, the public would "fucking shit their pants". An incident with a school of clownfish (yeah, the ultra-cute Nemo fish) sinking a mid-sized yacht, and evsicerating the crew left me especially shaken.

I finally convinced the Wise Old Fisherdude to arrange a meeting with me and Big Pooga. We met near the shore on the southeastern corner of the Suwannee. I kept my distance and he kept his reponses short. I asked him only 4 questions. That was all it took to know.

Q: Are you leading a fish rebellion to take over the world?
A: Yes.

Q: How long do we, as humans, have left?
A: Months.

Q: What kind of a stupid fucking name is Big Pooga?
A: My name is Willy, not Big Pooga. The Wise Old Fisherdude is a stupid drunk asshole. He is unreliable, foul smelling and a poor wingman at a bar. He will not drive you to your girlfriends house if she calls you. He will not look you in the eye when he talks to you. He is a snake and his leg tasted like ass. I plan on making a hat out of his ribs once a few more steps to my rebellion come to fruition.

Q: Do you have a wrath?
A: Oh yes, and you will all feel it.

So there you have it. We've got "months" before everything we know changes.

Save everyone you can.
-Derek

Video Countdown #1: Hi, Spike Jonze.

Sorry, guys. I would have updated this yesterday, but I was getting blown by a robot.

Okay, confession time. This list is a sham. If I hadn't been operating under self-imposed rules the list would be completly different. The middle three would have looked something like this:

4. "California" by WAX
3. "Buddy Holly" by WEEZER
2. "Sabotage" by THE BEASTIE BOYS

It doesn't because all those vidoes were directed by Spike Jonze, and in the interst of diversity, I made sure each video had a different director.

That being the case, the number one video is, inarguably, the greatest work of art set to music. Better than the bank robbery scene in HEAT, 9/11 montages set to "Walk On," and anything by the BLUE MAN GROUP.

Here, for your viewing pleasure and mind explodings, is my pick for the greatest music video of all time:

1. "Weapon of Choice" by FATBOY SLIM




Thank you and goodnight.

-Michael Thomas

Video Countdown: Why Does Michael Thomas love animated music videos so much?

I have no idea. But Pearl Jam's "Do The Evolution" is the 2nd coolest video ever made.


#2: "Do The Evolution" by PEARL JAM




See what I mean?

Video Countdown #'s 4 and 3

#4: "1979" by THE SMASHING PUMPKINS

How Billy Corgan went from 90's rock god to 00's prime asshole is an entry for another day. So let's bask in the glow of his better years with a little ode to childhood angst:




#3: "Tomorrow Comes Today" by GORILLAZ

Now let's cool out with some Gorillaz. Their first album is a strong contender for my top five, and "Tomorrow Comes Today" is my favorite track.

That's about that. See you assholes Saturday for the top two.

-Michael Thomas

Michael Thomas Celebrates His Birthday: Video Countdown

I turn 24 on Saturday. Strange age to be. I feel like Charles Bukowski after getting tossed out of a bar on his way to get manhandled and assaulted by his vicious landlord. Awesome.

To celebrate my next step into manhood, I've decided to celebrate by counting down my five favorite music videos. Which makes these five videos pretty much the best ever.

#5: "Idioteque" and "Karma Police" by RADIOHEAD

After much deliberation (a couple seconds) and help from JUHS-supporter and boss roommate Danny Jordan, I've decided video #5 is a tie. While substance whys, "Karma Police" is a great video with a good song, "Idioteque" is great video with a better song. Since the Studio City chapter of The Johnny Utah Symposium has deemed Radiohead to be the best band of our generation, a tie is not only excused, it is fitting.

Enjoy.

KARMA POLICE



IDIOTEQUE

Existentialism

Ninja fuckin' reflexes, indeed:



I'm going to get shat on for this.

-Michael Thomas

!QUIK HITZ! (Post #100)

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

First of all, go here and watch this little movie. Then sit back and ask yourself if it's possible to "time track travel speed" like in that movie Back to the Future. I usually try to avoid anything having to do with Britney Spears but this was just too ridiculous for me to pass up. Enjoy.

2. TWO. DOS.

I want to present this movie (which was brought to my attention by the venerable Nels St. Claire). I couldn't find a good, unedited copy of it on Youtube so I want to thank Paul Huebl and his bad ass blog. Sweet headshot Paul.

The dude in this movie (I want to call him Reggie D.) makes me very happy. Reggie D. and Britney should hook up and manage a street corner in the darkest corner of Eastern Europe with equal parts violent menace and time traveling prowess.

3. THREE. TRES.

We are still in the midst of the first annual National Dig in the Dirt Week and, as you all have seen, the members of the Johnny have been discovering some interesting things. I uncovered Rasputin's bones (which sing to me at night...it's fucked up), Michael uncovered Mel Gibson and Andrew found two of the stars from the Karate Kid. Wait a second here...Mel Gibson was buried in a field in L.A.? Hey, if it's on the Johnny, it must be true...or something.

The point is, keep on digging and maybe you can uncover something equally epic.



This is the 100th post on the Johnny Utah Symposium. It's very exciting. Thank you to the readers for reading this drivel day after day. I hope the next 100 posts are even awesomer.

Uh huh.
-Derek

Let's watch movies: The Island

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch The Island. This movie came out last year and it stars Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou and Seen Been. This movie is not based on the crappy Peter Benchley book of the same name. That book was about pirates. This movie is about clones. This movie also has nothing to do with herpes.

Ewan and Scarlett play a pair of clones who do not know they are clones. Seen Been, in classic scientist-dude-playing-God-with-a-smarmy-British-accent mode, is the propreitor of a giant underground utopian world where rich people in the real world have paid money to house their clones until they are needed for organ transplants and kinky sex play (mmmm). The clones are living blissfully until Ewan's clone starts to get curious about stuff. Why can't he eat bacon? Why do these overly aggressive dudes in black jumpsuits give him shit everytime he gets too close to Scarlett? What's up with this island thing?

Oh, the island is the place they tell the clones they are going to when their real world counterpart needs to harvest organs from them. Hmmm. This is confusing. The clones in Seen Been's utopian society are told this string of lies about how the outside world is contaminated. The last remaining noncontaminated spot on the globe is the island. Seen Been has a rigged lottery whenever he needs some organs and the winner of the lottery gets offed (but they think, up until they're on the operating table, that they are going to the island). You know what I mean?

This is awful.

Did i mention that it's set in the future.

Eventually Ewan busts out of the underground utopia and takes Scarlett with him. From there they get to Los Angeles (but it's future L.A. so there's like tons of trains and some vehicles can hover now). In future L.A. the movie provides the viewers with its best nine or ten minutes. There's a pretty sweet car chase thing with a bunch of stuff falling off of an eighteen-wheeler (except, because it is the future, it's got like twenty plus wheels) and that stuff hitting cars and trucks and killing lots of people.

The entire time Scarlett is grunting and screaming in the most unsexy baritone rasp imaginable. She yells words like "Run!" and "Lincoln!" (that's Ewan's name and her fav president) with the tone you'd expect from a professional wrestler. Unsexy.

Oh, and Djimon Hounsou is in there too and for some reason he is ridiculously shiny in every scene. Is he sweaty like all of the time or is his skin just crazy shiny? Who knows. Good work with the silent "D" though.

Right now I would like to say how I got off track in this review, but, to be off track you have to be on track in the first place...which I was not. So...let's do some pros and cons.

+PROS+
+That car chase was pretty fun.
+Despite knowing that this movie kinda sucks, I didn't really mind watching it. I think that's a Pro.

-CONS-
-Most of this movie is pretty crappy.
-This movie somehow manages to waste the talents of both Michael Clarke Duncan and Steve Buscemi. Well, the talents of Buscemi anyway.
-The bass utterances of Scarlett. Unsexy.
-The ending sucks.

This is an awful review.

I give this film a 4.65537 out of 10
-Derek

The Tragedy of Michael Thomas

by Danny Jordan, as told to Tits Drexler and Salazar Scuttle

There once was a boy named Michael Thomas. He was a boy with dreams, passions, and a desire to make it in the business. The film business. One day, Michael decided to pack his bags, leave his home, and head out to the great city of Los Angeles to make a name for himself and cure his depression.

Well, Michael moved to Los Angeles and found himself a small apartment in North Hollywood. There he set up his base, and was ready to set out into the city to make his dreams come true.

He started giving blow jobs on street corners, as practice for his big break. Michael Thomas got very good at giving blow jobs, but after a few months he started to feel like a failure. He was considering quitting this crazy life and moving back to his home... in Wisconsin.

One night, Michael Thomas was drowining his sorrows in a bar, when Bryan Singer walked in, and sat down next to him. Michael Thomas got excited because he knew how the prolific director felt about young boys, and even though Michael was a little too old for Bryan's taste, Michael was sure he could satisfy.

So Michael Thomas and Bryan Singer began talking, and Mr. Singer decided that he liked Michael. So much so, that he invited him back to his home in Beverly Hills.

Back at Bryan's home, Michael was getting nervous. This was his big break, and he knew how disapointed everyone in Wisconsin would be if Michael came back a failure. Before he could dwell any longer on his doubts, the front door opened. In walk Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA to his friends.) Michael could not ask for a better audition, so he went straight to work.

All Michael's practice seemed to pay off, because Bryan Singer and PTA were very satisfied with Michael's work. Michael, full of pride and ego, asked the two master's about job opportunities.

Instead of offering work, Bryan Singer and Paul Thomas Anderson stabbed Michael. Then they through his body into the Beverly Hills Ocean.

And there he floats to this day. Dead, bloated, and dejected.

The End

Hong Kong Dig Day

JUhSers,

Uhhh ... I think I screwed up. I may have dug a bit too far. I found these two:


Is this OK?

Feeling a Little Awkward,
Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006!"

p.s. - There's also an employee here named Queenie Tran ... you can't make this stuff up ...

KEEP ON DIGGING!

Hey there,

I hope all of you novice archaeologists out there had a prolific day of digging up awesome stuff yesterday. I know I did! I found this:


I know! Holy shit!

I've been running some sweet tests on these bones in the Johnny Lab and all signs point to these bones being the bones of Rasputin and some other dude. This is a big find. Rasputin's bones are supposed to have a crazy hex on them (according to a periodical of note) so I currently have them locked up in my downstairs bathroom. Oh, and don't worry, I totally washed my hands after handling the bones.

All of this excitement has inspired me to turn National Dig in the Dirt Day into National Dig in the Dirt WEEK! So just keep on digging and trust me, you will find something awesome. If you dig deep enough you may just find lava.

OH YEAH!
-Derek