The Tragedy of Michael Thomas

by Danny Jordan, as told to Tits Drexler and Salazar Scuttle

There once was a boy named Michael Thomas. He was a boy with dreams, passions, and a desire to make it in the business. The film business. One day, Michael decided to pack his bags, leave his home, and head out to the great city of Los Angeles to make a name for himself and cure his depression.

Well, Michael moved to Los Angeles and found himself a small apartment in North Hollywood. There he set up his base, and was ready to set out into the city to make his dreams come true.

He started giving blow jobs on street corners, as practice for his big break. Michael Thomas got very good at giving blow jobs, but after a few months he started to feel like a failure. He was considering quitting this crazy life and moving back to his home... in Wisconsin.

One night, Michael Thomas was drowining his sorrows in a bar, when Bryan Singer walked in, and sat down next to him. Michael Thomas got excited because he knew how the prolific director felt about young boys, and even though Michael was a little too old for Bryan's taste, Michael was sure he could satisfy.

So Michael Thomas and Bryan Singer began talking, and Mr. Singer decided that he liked Michael. So much so, that he invited him back to his home in Beverly Hills.

Back at Bryan's home, Michael was getting nervous. This was his big break, and he knew how disapointed everyone in Wisconsin would be if Michael came back a failure. Before he could dwell any longer on his doubts, the front door opened. In walk Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA to his friends.) Michael could not ask for a better audition, so he went straight to work.

All Michael's practice seemed to pay off, because Bryan Singer and PTA were very satisfied with Michael's work. Michael, full of pride and ego, asked the two master's about job opportunities.

Instead of offering work, Bryan Singer and Paul Thomas Anderson stabbed Michael. Then they through his body into the Beverly Hills Ocean.

And there he floats to this day. Dead, bloated, and dejected.

The End