Fed Chairman: "My beard is splendid, and without equal"

MEMORANDUM
FROM: THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE
TO: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
SUBJECT: MY BEARD

Fellow Citizens of the United States,

Fear not, our economy is chugging along just fine. Even as I write this message to you, Tuesday's small "issue" has already been resolved. I assure you, the Federal Reserve Bank is on it like Chinamen on a railroad. Apologies, Asian-Americans. All right, bad example. Haha! Oh my ... even boring Fed Chairman Ben has a chuckle every now and then. My point is, you don't have anything to worry about. Please refer to any of the mainstream media outlets for verification.

Today, I'm writing this memo for an entirely different reason. Namely, because my beard is splendid, and without equal.


Make no mistake, I'm not ordinarily one to boast. I don't presume to assert that my beard is the best. I merely state that it is magnificent. And also without peer. There just isn't another quite like it.

Look at how finely chiseled it is. So full and manly. So evenly distributed and perfectly trimmed. Only a beard as masculine as mine deserves to control the free world's economic and banking systems. And you know, females love the salt and pepper look.

This artist's rendition almost does it justice. Almost. Speaking of justice, my beard is stronger and fuller than Larry Justice's beard. And that's saying something. Quite a lot, actually. I challenge you to find any beard on this list even remotely approaching mine. It simply does not exist.

I'd match my beard against any other famous beard in history. Karl Marx? Pffft. Damn Communist. I've got something for you Karl. It's a little system called Capitalism. You may have heard of it. It's sort of my thing. Oh, and your beard doesn't hold a candle to mine. In fact, mine is so strong and praiseworthy, it could literally hold a candle aloft if properly positioned. Das Kapital? Das kiss my ass.

Fidel, I have to admit ... I respect you. You, the last bastion of a dying breed. I don't mean Communism, I mean ye of the awesome beard. For that I hold you in the highest regard. But I will never back down, you son of a Red whore. Consider this a challenge, mano-a-mano (or should I say, barba-a-barba?), for bearded supremacy.

In conclusion, America, your well-being and comfort is in safe hands. Strong hands. Hands attached to arms which are in turned connected to a torso, from which sprouts a neck. And this neck is bearded. Heavily bearded. I don't go in for that neck-trimming fashion. That's gay.

Give me a neck beard, symbol of the free world.

Give me the beard of a free thinker.

Give me the beard of a liberator.

GIVE ME...


Godammit. Nevermind.

Just forget this ever happened. I'm going to jack up interest rates so high you'll yearn for the days of my beard's reign. Where's my Remington...

May all your beards be full fall out,
BB

DEREK 360: Dancing With The Stars Preview

Hello everyone.

I love dancing. I love sexy dancing, classic dancing, dancing that involves food, food that can dance, ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, Mayan, Aztec, Sumarian, Hula, pop'n-n-lock'n, hyphy dancing, crunk dancing, pole dancing, stripping, the dancing you do on the line when you're completely blasted out of your mind and the officer asks you to walk straight, ceremonial dancing, Jewish dancing, dancing that involves a lot of jumping, skanking, gettin' low, grinding, freaking, bumping, dry humping, dancing with animals, dancing animals, dancing around issues, dancing around me writing the rest of this article-

Oh...I got off track there but I'm back. I apologize. So, as I was saying, I love dancing and there is really no television show that is a better outlet for my dance love than Dancing With The Stars on ABC. It is just so exciting to see all these awesome (and totally relatable) celebs dancing their way to the championship. So today I am going to preview the upcoming fourth season of DWTS by going through the list of new celebs and analyzing them. Oh yes.


Dancing With The Stars: Season 4 Contestants:

1. Laila Ali
Laila is an undefeated chick boxer and the daughter of Muhammad Ali. Because Papa Ali is (for some reason) just about the most beloved man in all of sports history, she is definitely one of the more "famous" people in this cast. I know that's scary. I'm sure her "sting like a bee" genes will do her a lot of good on the dance floor as she manipulates her softball player's physique in outfits that will not be flattering or appropriate on someone of her...stature. She has the potential to be a ridiculous chick oaf and make an ass of herself or she has the chance to dance herself into the final rounds (pun intended). She's hard to call.

2. Billy Ray Cyrus
Awwwwwwwwwww shit. Look who's back in the good graces of the American public. Billy "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus has wisely been keeping a low profile the last decade. He's on a show called Hannah Montana which, with a name like that, has to be absolutely awesome. Something tells me that Billy's dancing skills have atrophied in the same way his hit song writing skills have, so I don't see him making it to the end.

3. Clyde Drexler
Clyde fills the obligatory sports figure role on DWTS. He was nicknamed "The Glide" while in the NBA so I'm sure the producers expect that gliding ability to transfer over to some skill on the dancefloor. Unfortunately it was probably a nickname he gained, not on the basketball court as orginally thought, but in the many whorehouses that dot the fringe of downtown Portland. If it were Bangin' With The Stars or Playin' One on One With An Aged NBA Superstar That May or May Not Have The Clap he would be set, but in this contest he will not be the second coming of Emmitt Smith. He will lose.

4. Joey Fat One
Joey Fat One is a member of the now blown up boy band, NSYNC. He is not a porn star (yet) despite the obvious ease with which his name could transition into that realm. He is not the gay dude and he is not related to Mark Wahlberg. He has never had sex with Cameron Diaz but he may have given head to the writer/director of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (That's pure speculation...but when Fat One is on set, things happen). I guess he did some "dancing" when he was in NSYNC but I think he was always one of the lamer (lamer is being used here in the sense of a dying horse...not an uncool individual) ones who got stuffed in the back. He's an enigma, but I don't see him winning this thing.

5. Shandi Finnessy
Who the hell is this person? She's a former Miss USA so she's probably on board to fill the "hot ass" requirement. If she can dance even a little bit she can win...because people love hot ass. According to ABC.com she's also the host of a Gameshow Network show called Playmania. I'm sure that show is awesome. I've got a great feeling about this chick (and thats without even google image searching her name).

6. Leeza Gibbons
Leeza Gibbons is one of those disgusting entertainment journalists that cover celebrity weight fluctuation, create hybrid couple names and preview second rate reality television shows...

She also can't spell her name for shit and my gut tells me to call her Sleeza...and Sleeza's can't dance. She's losing.

7. Heather Mills
Heather Mills was, at one point and time, married to Paul "I'm Bullshit" McCartney. ABC is making a big deal about the fact that she is the first DWTS contestant to have an artificial limb. I think that's great too, except for the fact that you kinda need two good (and real) legs to dance your way to the top of the celeb dancing pile, so it'll be an uphill battle. She is missing one of her legs below the knee and she is also "famous" for her landmine awareness and prevention programs. Irony? She'll get all the attention at first until it's revealed that wheelchairs and limping are frowned upon. At that point she'll bow out gracefully to pursue "her causes".

8. Apolo Anton Ohno
Just typing this shithead's name makes me wanna vomit. He's a speed skater and he'll probably go all the way to the end. "OHNO? OH YES!" will become a nationally embraced catchphrase and this three named jackass will finally become the star he was destined to become five Olympic medals ago. Somewhere some place someone will make the incredible point of how disturbing it is that people are glued to a show about washed up has been "celebrities" dancing in a competition that is reigned over by the host of America's Funniest Home Videos while the Olympics, a legendary international matchup of might and will that dates back to Zeus, barely registers as a top ten program in the Neilsen ratings anymore. This point, however, will not register with anyone because they will all be watching DWTS.

9. Vincent Pastore
This dude is famous for playing a character named Big Pussy on The Sopranos. He is overweight. He will probably be extremely self-disparaging as the judges (dance experts) rip him a new one week after week before finally booting him off the show. He's comic relief in the form of a lovable big dude. He will lose. Maybe after this he can be on the inevitable second season of Armed and Famous.

10. Paulina Porizkova
This chick is a model. She's good looking so she has a chance to go all the way. She is, according to ABC.com releasing a book in the Spring so I guess she's a model/author now. Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. She is not the foolish model chick who is dating James Blunt. That chick is different...and really, really, really foolish.

11. Ian Ziering
It is pronounced EYE-AN. This joke was a member of the cast of Beverly Hills 90210. He's taking the pathway layed out before him by the brilliantly bald Joey "Whoa" Lawrence. The path of a completely washed up former television actor who is now busy "producing" films while weighing the pros and cons of dabbling in softcore porn. If he performs like Mr. Lawrence he may earn the chance to go back to doing what he's doing now...nothing. DWTS is not a springboard to fame (just ask that chick with the breasts who won the first one), it's a celebration of famous people figuring out that they have a talent and then nurturing that talent to fruition.

The final two will be Laila Ali and Apolo John Anthony Ohno with Ohno winning, as not even a solo dance by Ali's dad is enough to sway the voters. It will be emotional. It will be real. It will be brilliant.

It will suck. Real bad.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Yes/No

YES!

NO!

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Mitt Romney

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

You may or may not have heard by now, but on November 4, 2008 the United States is electing a brand new president. That's a mere 622 days away. That's less than 15,000 hours. Don't lose your shit just yet. This sort of thing tends to sneak up on people, so we won't blame you for falling behind. But seriously, it's time to get off your ass and throw down fisticuffs in the political arena.

The Johnny made a promise to you, its readers, to be even bigger and better in 2007. Allow us to make good on that promise by providing you with the know-how and weaponry necessary to become a formidable political warrior. Consider us the brass knuckles for your weak, pasty girl fists (think Clay Aiken). When we're done with this preview, you'll have rock hard man fists (think Rocky on steroids). With a sweet pair of brass knuckles. And when some election pollster wanders up to you on the street asking "Hi, which candidate do you support blah blah blee blah...", instead of stammering like a halfwit with a blank stare on your face, you can smash said pollster in the face and scream "OBAMA, YOU LITTLE BITCH! WHAT!?" And you thought politics was boring.

Instead of pummelling your face with a jackhammer and laying it out all at once, these will be released periodically. We'll shoot for weekly installments, but if you follow the JUhS at all you know how these things tend to turn out.

Alright, let's start this thing off with ... Mitt Romney.


First things first, Mitt is a fucking awesome name.

Mitt. Immediately evocative of baseball, the musky smell of glove leather, and all that is right and good in America.

Mitt. Fuckin' A.

Unfortunately, the list of positive things we have to say about the guy ends with his first name. This is not encouraging. Romney, as far as last names are concerned, is a poor follow-up to Mitt. His first name is like a Mavs-era Steve Nash lobbing up a perfectly placed pass near the rim waiting to be ooped. His last name is Shawn Bradley botching the play, missing the put back, and hustling back on defense before getting dunked on by someone two feet shorter than him. A poor follow-up.

Hey, guess what else he has in common with Shawn Bradley? That's right, they're both Mormon. But he's not just any Mormon. He did his missionary work in France. He's a French Mormon. First of all, if there are any two things Americans hate, it's Mormons and the French. So right off the bat we know this man can't be president. And secondly, why the hell are you doing your mission in France? You should be going somewhere badass and dangerous like Bolivia or the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Not France.

We have one more slight problem with Mitt. And you're gonna have to take this with a grain of salt because, well, he is a politician and all. But Mitt is a fucking liar. Let's take a look at a featured quote on the front page of his campaign website.

"America's greatest innovation is freedom. Without freedom, we have nothing. With freedom, nothing can hold us back."

Hmmhm ... that's funny. Mitt is opposed to abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage, and ... let's see here ... oh, and freedom. Sort of waters down that quote a little bit, doesn't it Mitt? You lying d'bag. Go back to Utah.

Badass first name though. We like where you're headed with that.

Romney for President, Inc. will begin airing television ads today in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Michigan and Florida. If you would like to contribute to his campaign, you probably weren't reading well enough. Start again from the top and read better this time.

UPDATE: Sorry Mitt, we have one more nice thing to say about you. Your wife is hot. Nice work, you fucking frog.

JUhS Exclusive: Dannielynn Smith Speaks

First of all, I'd like to thank all the Johnny Utah Symposium members for giving me a platform to communicate with the public here today. All too often, the voices of former Playboy Playmate of the Year and reality TV entertainer's five-month old daughters go unheard. Today we can finally say this wrong has be unwronged. It has been righted. Thank you, Johnny U.

Alright.

You may be thinking, "Excuse me, five-month old children cannot talk, much less write ... the hell is this?" I would reply thusly: are you that surprised? After all that has occurred in the circus-that-was-my-mother's-life, the life of one Anna Nicole Smith, is it completely out of the question? Of course not. Just run with it.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I was completely fucked off my face for the second and third trimesters. My mother rammed enough shit through her system to kill Barbaro ... faster. But she survived. For long enough to birth me, anyhow. And do you know how she did it? Me, you assholes. All that toxicity got sucked into my head. Here's a table to illustrate just how bad it was:


But instead of killing me, it somehow morphed my tiny unborn fetus brain into a radioactive mash of super intelligence. Great. Now I'll actually be smart enough to realize how pathetic and unfullfilling my existence will inevitably become. The rest of my family jaunted along in blissful ignorance, lucky bastards. I'm left here, robbed even of my youth.

But I will be a millionaire, so there's that.

However ... there are some serious dickheads who will, as surely as we can be sure of anything, try to take my money. We all know this. That's why I've enlisted the help of the Johnny U and its readers. I badly need to make the least horrible choice here. Which of these people do I want to be my daddy? Let me give you the rundown.

1) Howard K. Stern (Jew)
This is the head douchebag of the group. Just look at this asshole. Unfortunately, it looks like he's most likely to get his hands on the sweet green. This cannot happen. There's gotta be someone better than this, right? RIGHT?

2) Larry Birkhead (Photographer)
Again, as you perhaps can tell, huge douchebag. If he wins, my intellect will be used to find any means possible to end my suffering. And soon.

3) Prince Frederic von Anhalt (Husband to Zsa Zsa Gabor, Badass)
I'm rooting for this guy. Princess Dannielynn? Hell yes. Unfortunately, he's insane. And probably not the daddy. One can hope.

4) Vergie Arthur (Mother of ANS, Grammie)
See #2. If this monstrous woman is my daddy, death will come swiftly.

5) Alexander Denk (Bodyguard)
The good news: if he's the father, I will immediately lose all intelligence, by the looks of it. The bad news: that will make it harder to end my life.

6) Nuke Gingrich (Blogger)
Pros: Beer, Sunny locale
Cons: Straw hat, Full of shit

7) J. Howard Marshall II (Former husband of ANS, Deceased, Badass)
Ohh, the good ol' days. The source of my supposed wealth. It's been alleged that I was borne of his frozen seed. This is my straightest route to the hard cash.

So what do you think? I can tell you one thing, it's looking bleak for me. If there's anyway to avoid the end that has thusfar been laid out for me (lying facedown in a mix of blood, glass shards, and my own vomit in the empty hottub of an abandoned reality television set), please help me. Whichever choice, one through seven, just show me the scratch. It's my only hope...

Sincerely,
Dannielynn

PS - Happy Valentine's Day!
XOXOXO

The Johnny U Newsreel: SHOCKING TWISTS & HAPPENINGS

doo doot doot deet dot doo doo doot--
dee dee dot doot deet dah dee doot--

JOHNNY U INFIGHTING?!!???!

...

...

TURF WARS????!!!!

...

...

CHEESEBALLZ???!!!!?!?!?!!

This just in--

[Did Andrew hijack newsman entity "Nels St. Claire" for his own demented purposes?]

Stay tuned for the latest...

[Will Derek call on the services of the Toledo Hitsquad Assassins, led by his older brother?]

Dunno, stay right here if you want to find out...

[Is Michael Thomas looking to steal Andrew's parking space and take a shit all over it?]

We don't really want to know, but maybe you do ... so, stick around...

[Will Andy ever post again, EVER?]

It's probably a matter of when, not if, but hey ... you gotta keep it tuned right here to be sure...

All this to come (and more!) at your favorite website and most trusted news source...

...THE JOHNNY U NEWSREEL

DEREK 360: Yes/No

YES!

NO!

Low on the list of preferred Sunday morning topics:

I changed apartments this past weekend (from west to east London, not that you were interested). Out of necessity, I called a car to help me move the ridiculous amount of shit I own for someone essentially living out of a suitcase. An extremely pleasant gentlemen helped me load my luggage and quickly headed us across town. I was, however, forced to sit in the front seat since the cab was completely full. Normally, I don't prefer to do this. You'll see why after I explain what transpired.

Attempting to break the ice with both of us crowded in the front seat, mister driver decided to strike up a conversation. It went something not unlike this:

"So, my friend, you are not from the UK. Where are you from?"

"Uh... I'm from America. I used to live in Texas."

"Ahhh, Texas. I know Texas. George Bush!" [note: this is always the response, it never fails]

(quickly) "Yeah, yeah ... I know. Not all Texans like George Bush though. And he's not technically from there. I mean, he wasn't born there."

(incredulous) "He is not Texan?"

"Well, it's, uh ... well yeah, he's Texan. Pretty much. But you know, people don't really like him any more. He's on his way out of office."

(uncomfortable pause)

(trying to be polite) "So, where are you from?"

"Afghanistan."

Shit. Awkward.

(stammering) "Oh, well, er- of course you are..."

(really long uncomfortable pause)

"I'm from the anti-American part." (oh, Jesus) "Well, not anti-American, just anti-Bush." (whew)

"Well I don't blame people for not liking the guy who bombed your country."

(really, really awkward pause. In fact, I probably could have done well keeping that last bit to myself)

"But ... umm ... I mean, we're just starting the process for getting a new president. So he'll be gone soon."

"Do you think Hillary Clinton will win?"

I have to admit, I was a bit surprised. I wouldn't assume that an Afghan cab driver in London would be clued in on the upcoming presidential race, much less know who the frontrunner is. We went on to have a short conversation on politics and the campaign that would probably rival any one might have with the average American. For a brief moment, everything was less strained.

He talked about his kids. One is seven and one is ten. He could have brought them to live in the UK sooner, but he wanted them to grow up in Afghanistan so they would remember their culture and where they came from. That struck me as particularly important. In just a few sentences I got a picture of how serious culture and national identity are where he's from.

We were soon at our destination, fortunately, and my thoughts quickly turned towards getting the hell out of the car.

"So, thanks a lot for everything. I think I was quoted £23 on the telepho...."

"Yes, but you had many bags."

(quickly) "I don't mind giving you £30."

"That is fine. Are you happy my friend?"

(no) "Yeah, I'm happy. Take it easy."

"Goodbye my friend."

Like that, he was off. It was good to meet you mister Afghan taxi driver, wherever you are.

Realization: Apologizing for your president sucks.
Lesson: Don't sit in the front seat of a cab. Ever.

Super Bowl Predictions from the Johnny U.

The Johnny Utah Symposium is proud to present the predictions from some of our correspondents. Feel free to give your predictions in the comment section.

(Other Johnny correspondents please fill in this post with your pix before Sunday.)

Derek
"I really want the Colts to win but I think the Bears are gonna control the clock and take it home. None of it will matter after a player dies on the field in the third quarter. Grim."
CHICAGO: 24 Indianapolis: 13

Andrew
"Vinatieri wins it with his foot, but Peyton makes one play good enough for the win: a TD to Dallas Clark. Urlacher will injure at least one Colt."
INDIANAPOLIS: 16 Chicago: 12

Vincent Gallo
"Eat shit. And die."
CHICAGO: 1 Indianapolis: 0

Bad Poetry Guy
"Four quarters are a dollar so holler for football!"
-No score provided-

Big Pooga (Willy)
"Peyton Manning will throw nine interceptions. Afterwards he will be known as Peyton BOYning. Not that any of it matters."
CHICAGO: 73 Indianapolis: 0

Whipmaster Charlie
"YIEE! The Sex Cannon hisself, mister Sexy Rexy, will win the day folks! You heard it here first! And my boy Adam will whip up some serious kickage in a losin' effort! CHA!"
CHICAGO: 49 Indianapolis: 15

It should be a good one.

Politico

Corruption is what keeps us safe and warm.

There is something so wrong with this.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the semi-occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today I want to talk about what appears to be a new epidemic in the world of stupidity. Specifically the world of stupid ways to off yourself. I'm talking about this. Stowing away in the wheel well of planes in an attempt at a free ride. In the past month two dudes have been found dead in the wheel wells of planes after they attempted to stow away and suffocated to death next to the landing gear.

What kind of shit has to be going on in your life for this to seem like a viable option. It must be bad news on the home front for you to say to yourself,

"I need to get out of here...but I don't have any money...well I guess I could just stowaway on that British Airways flight to Los Angeles...yeah...that'd work...but how can i do it?...I could poke some holes in a box and ship myself...nah...that's so, like, four years ago...no, it's gotta be something fresh...I got it!...I'll crawl into the wheel well while all of the (supposedly) dozens of security and airport personnel have their backs turned...yes!...then I'll cool out next to the landing gear for like a few hours until I hear the plane landing...then when the wheel well opens up again i'll, like, jump out...yeah...fuck yeah...i'm sure there is air in there...and maybe I can snag some food...it may seem crazy but I love airplane food...I just love the portions...they're so right for me...yeah...this is a great idea...".

And how are these dudes getting down onto the tarmacs of our world's totally secure airports and then, and this is even more frightening, actually getting inside the planes. What would happen if one of these stowaways was fat or something and they affected the landing gear? Of course that's silly because everyone knows that stowing away is a skinny man's game but you never know.

Also...and forgive me but I'm just throwing out these queries as they come to me here...but also, if these stupid stowaway corpses are crawling into the wheel well in like Barcelona or something (they always have a lot of trouble determining when and where the person came on board since the planes literally go all over the world in a given day) do they just flop out after a certain amount of time? When a pilot is landing and he lowers the landing gear does a body just plop out from time to time? That would be quite ghoulish.


The stupidity of this whole thing just baffles me.

Have their been successful stowaways using this method?

What happened to the old poke a few holes in a box and ship yourself trick? Where did it go?

The stowaway world has gone to the stupid and it's a real shame.

I apologize for the unfunniness of this post, but the strength of my feelings about this issue supplant all attempts at humor.
-Derek