The Johnny Gets Jealous

With the Texas Rangers' season already over (tease: FUTURE RANT TO COME!), the Johnny Dads need a new pastime.

Oh. Found it...

Darkon



We're already heroes.

"Wailing, teeth gnashing ... wait, where am I?"

Wow. If you liked Jerry at all ... um ... don't scroll down to the previous post.

Then again, if you liked Jerry you probably weren't reading this blog.

First of all, the Johnny and its affiliates can not and will not take responsibility for what happened today. Personally, I think he just took it hard when Newt broke things off. It was inevitable. Tragic really.

Now, this may be a tad more severe than, say ... a 45-day jail sentence. And I don't (necessarily) care to promote senseless death. But like they always say, it's not like he didn't have it coming.

Inasmuch, here's to one less idiot on the planet. Let's hope he's not reincarnated (it's un-Christian, anyway). And if he is, let's hope it's as something farther down the food chain.


In parting, some items Jerry may learn on his way straight to ... well, wherever it is he's headed now:

• The Earth is round



• The Earth orbits the Sun (the Revolution Machine theory)



• The Earth is more than 12,000 years old



• We sort of look a little like monkeys for a reason



• Michael Thomas (JUhS) once directed a one-act version of "Inherit the Wind"



• The movie was way better



• Religions other than Christianity exist



• Christian denominations other than Southern Baptist-ism (Baptism?) exist



• Countries other than America exist



• People other than Americans exist



• Those people most likely hated him



• Turns out the gays didn't cause the war in Iraq



• It was the Jews



• Not really, it was just Cheney



• Tinky Winky was the only straight Teletubby



• People who think things other than the things he thinks exist (or something)



• Church is boring

Jerry Falwell
RIP
1933-2007

P.S. - You're pointing the wrong way.

Johnny U Preview: The 2008 Presidential Election - Newt Gingrich

Bear in mind this is an apolitical blog. The Johnny Utah Symposium neither supports nor opposes any of the following candidates. We make no contributions, monetary or otherwise, to any of their campaigns. Wilbur Burris is not a registered voter. We just call it like we see it.

--A Day in the Life: Newt Decides to Run for President--

[Alarm sounds - digitized rendition of "God Bless America"]

[Newt hits the snooze button]

[5 minutes pass - repeat]

[5 more minutes pass - repeat]

[Another 5 minutes pass - Newt, in a fit of rage, throws alarm clock into wall - causes dent]

Newt: Fuuuuuck. I am tired. What the fuck am I gonna do today?

[Newt pulls flask from under pillow - takes swig]

Newt: Yes... *burp* ... hell yes.

[Newt takes Time magazine from night stand]


Newt: I am so ... awesome. Honey, look at this. Look at how awesome I am. Honey ... honey look.

Callista: [half asleep] I know baby ... I ...

[Newt dead-legs his wife]

Newt: Bitch, get up! Time to check for lumps! Shirt off, arms up!

Callista: [fully awake] Baby, we did this yesterday ...

Newt: Do I need to remind you about our little contract?

[Newt consults Contract with Wife, Third Edition displayed on night stand]

Newt: Honey, you know I can't be president if you've got the cancer. Come on, get 'em out.

[Newt checks his wife for breast cancer - finds nothing]

Newt: Clean. Good. You're good.

[Newt begins singing "My Humps"]

Callista: Baby, you know I get upset when you do that. Please, that joke is so played out.

Newt: [singing] ... my lovely lady lumps ... check it out!

Callista: New-new...

Newt: Honey, shut up, you know it's all in the contract. [taps on contract] You know what? It's time. Today I'm going to announce my candidacy.

Callista: Newton...

Newt: It's for the good of America. I'm running for president.

Callista: Are you sure that's such a great idea? Maybe you should stick to writing for a while.

Newt: I'll be running against a fake Republican who lives with the gays, Cancer McCancer-face, and some Mormon named Mitt.
I. Can't. Lose.

Callista: [pause] I want a divorce.

Newt: Fine. I was cheating on you anyway. Come on, Jerry. Let's go.

[Jerry Falwell jumps out of bedroom closet - completely nude except for throw pillow]

Jerry: Newt! Jerry! 2008!

Newt: Hells yeah!

Jerry: Hallelujah!

[They high-five - Kiss - Freeze frame]


SCENE.

Happy FYA Day

Today is May 1st. May Day to some. Labo(u)r Day to others. "Fuck You America" Day to all. As if this differs from any other day on the calendar.

What once was a festival for pagans to prance around phallic totem poles has eventually devolved into a celebration of the working man, socialists, and anarchists. How something can sink below jumping around a giant, leafy wooden dick is beyond me, but there you have it.

I don't know what it's gonna take, but sooner or later the socialists need to realize it isn't fucking working out. You can whine and moan all you want about how America is the reason for all your problems. Or, you can take it a step further like Hugo Chavez and nationalize what little remains of your country's privately run oil companies. It's May! Fuck You America! How symbolic.

Not that I'm waxing apologetic for Big Oil (the fuckers). It's a topic that has been covered in this space before. However, I prefer my evil, faceless, autonomous corporations to fuck me via the free market system. ExxonMobil is like having the discomfort of an extra large dildo in your ass. But at least they have the courtesy to lube up first. Hugo is dry-fucking his country. And the dildo's red. With Che's famous logo emblazoned across the base.


You know what? Fuck all those know-nothing Che idolizers too. Dude's been dead for 40 years. You think all the fourteen year olds wearing his merch have any idea who he is? And I still have to see his righteous, revolutionary mug all over t-shirts, messenger bags, belt buckles, wallets. Wallets?! If that isn't irony at its base level, I don't know what is.

Here. Put this on a fucking t-shirt.


He's dead. Move on. I know he was a hero in Latin America. I'm all for rising up against oppressors when all other options fail. Our constitution was drafted to protect that very freedom (a freedom of which the NRA very frequently reminds us). But honestly, if you think dudes like Chavez and Castro aren't fucking you just as badly, then I don't know what to tell you.

Most of all - more than all this political bullshit - I hate May Day because everyone else in Europe gets the day off while I have to sit here at work. Fine. The pinkos win. For once, I'm jealous.