Why We Haven't Updated: The Loss Of A Brother

Hello Americans.

It's been nearly a month and a half since any of us have updated. In that time, I am sure that the Johnny Utah has fallen off your radar, and is no longer one of your daily web stops used to pass the time at work. Derek, Andrews, and myself greatly apologize for this.

There is a reason for our absentee-ism. Over the past month, we have suffered a loss that has rocked the Johnny Utah Symposium to it's very core.

On 10/31/07, Founding Dad Dude Andrew Salvoni passed away. He is stone fucking dead.

ANDREW JOHN SALVONI: 1983-2007

He was killed in a firefight with London police at Heathrow Airport. Apparently, he was mistaken for a terrorist in a last ditch effort to escape from his shackles of the banking world. He had almost made it passed security when was he asked to take off his shoes. Andrew refused, stating: "I ain't taking off my Chucks for you crooked teeth muthafuckas. I got bitches ta be explodin'."

It escalated from there. He tried to take a suitcase hostage, but was quickly gunned down. Toxicology reports revealed that he was drunk off Ketel One, and on three different forms of PCP.

His mother, Rosemary Salvoni, declined an interview with us. She said that, "I wouldn't even pay to have that idiot shipped back here, I'm not wasting weekend minutes talking to his asshole friends."

Andrew was cremated and his remains scattered around Abbey Road. We're aware he did not want it that way, but no one felt like putting much effort into his memorial.

Anyway, the four are now three, and our hearts go out to the hardworking men and women of airline security.