Let's watch movies: Alien Hunter

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Alien Hunter. Alien Hunter stars the incomparable James Spader as the title role and one-time-fastest-man-on-Earth, Carl Lewis (I shit you not).

Let's clear something up first here. Alien Hunter is not The Thing. Yes, they both take place at a remote research facility in Antartica. Yes, they both center around the existence of extra-terrestrial life forms on said research facility. Yes, they are both taut thrillers made with a keen eye for detail and scene construction. Ok, I lied about that last one. Alien Hunter does not have Kurt Russell with a beard but it does has James Spader. In this movie he aimlessly spouts off lame strings of dialogue about how "math is the universal language" and "Aliens are real". He hijacks elements of Jeff Goldblum's characters in both Jurassic Park and ID4 and makes you believe every poorly orchestrated scene.

The story of Alien Hunter is pretty straight forward. An alien disturbance is believed to be discovered at a remote Antarctic-an research facility that is dedicated to growing corn (for some reason...I wasn't listening). The scientists call on James Spader (because he is a FUCKING ALIEN HUNTER...YEAHHHHHH!!) to consult on the alien that they have in their midst. The alien spends most of the movie in a cocoon thing "thawing" out so there really isn't any "hunting" involved. The title of the movie is hugely misleading. Eventually the alien cocoon thing hatches and the alien escapes and people start dying. People's faces melt off in an unimpressive "we stole this effect from Raiders of the Lost Ark and somehow fucked it up" way. Eventually things escalate to a point where some politician dudes (who are sweating a lot because of the gravity of the decisions they are being forced to make) have to send a submarine to blow up the research facility. Spader, some chick scientist and the Wilford Brimley equivalent wind up walking into some alien light and get sucked up into their space ship. The ending is wide the fuck open. Sequel anyone?

This movie was pure turd. Spader tried to carry it on his back and make it awesome but not even Spader is capable of such a feet. Perhaps if he would have played the same part he played in Pretty in Pink. Who knows.

+PROS+
+Carl Lewis is in this movie.
+Spader.
+Carl Lewis.

-CONS-
-Carl Lewis dies in this movie.
-Carl Lewis doesn't do any running in this movie.
-There are no shots of Carl Lewis outrunning alien energy waves or fire.
-When the research facility that was used to grow corn is blown up by the dudes on the submarine not one of them makes a popcorn joke. Hardcore missed opportunity.
-The fact that the alien "costume" was obviously an old (and used) prop from ID4.

I give this film a 3.15564 out of 10
-Derek

DEREK 360: Reality Television

Hello world,

This is an editorial that has been written before. It has been written dozens of times by dozens of different people. It has, I dare say, been written in dozens of languages. It may have even been written in braille. Point is, it's a tired subject.

I, however, do not care.

I was minding my own business sitting on the reality television fence when a TV program came out that pushed me firmly into the "reality TV is fucking terrible" side. Rockstar: Supernova is a new reality show where a handful of "rocker" hopefuls gather and sing excerpts from awesome Top 40 rocks songs of the past 25 years. These sad sack loser contestant people typically compensate for a lack of talent or presentation by caking on eyeliner (in the case of the dudes) or having their massive jugs (in the case of the chicks) on display at all times. All the while Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted, and some dude from Guns 'N Roses sit back scratching their chins wondering if the person before them is the right fit to round out their newly formed "supergroup", SUPERNOVA.

I caught a solid 4 minutes of this show and became so unbelievably irritated that I marched over to my computer and began to type feverishly. I saw the tail end of a dude singing something (not sure what). The dude was obviously a "rocker" because his eyes were heavily lined and his hair was spikey. He also had the whole "rocker" fashion thing down. I began to pay attention when former Janes Addicition/Red Hot Chili Peppers guitar virtuoso and current husband to Carmen Electra, Dave Navarro (who is like a host or something) began to gush about how "totally awesome" the dude was. "The fact that I never knew you existed is why this show is so special," was the exact phrase that trickled out of Mr. Navarro's mouth hole.

From there they showed a quick run down of all gazillion (I think there were like 20) contestants and the song they chose to sing. I heard snippets of songs I recognized from such bands as The Police, Coldplay, Train, and Melissa Etheridge. Rock 'N Roll!!! The dude who was singing Roxanne was so far off (even in the four second snippet) that he immediately became my favorite. It was as though he had never heard the original. My dad, who had seen the performance in its entirety, told me that one of the dudes from SUPERNOVA (who are also judges or something) told him to his face that "he sucked".

If a dude can't fuck up The Police and be praised as a brash and brazen rocker then I don't know what you have to do. I guess the dude song-styling the shit out of Coldplay's Yellow is more what Tommy Lee is looking for.

I am not a person who goes crazy for American Idol but I do appreciate it for what it is. It's a massive talent competition where people bring in their different influences and try to pass those off as "idol worthy" or whatever. My problem with this Rock Star show is that it's all these contestants coming together to fit themselves into this gross little CBS regulated Rock 'N Roll stereotype.

I don't know everything about everything but I do know that not all "rock stars" are like Tommy Lee. I also know that this is a good thing.

Reality TV can be completely awesome (Cheaters, Man Vs. Beast, True Life) or it can be pure shit (Lots of shows). There is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this.

So I complain. Right here.

-Derek

HAPPY 4TH FROM THE JOHNNY!!!

Hello world!

We at the Johnny Utah Symposium wanted to wish you all a happy and safe 4th of July and thank you for being such beautiful people! (And to make up for Andy's last animus filled post).

Here's some fireworks!




So Happy...
-Birthday of America.
-"Fuck England" Day
-National Kick Terrorist Ass Day
-Redcoat Burn Party Day
-Firework Irresponsibility Day
-Burn Ban Ignorance Day
-Quatro de Julio
-Ka-Boom Boom Day
-Eat Red Meat Day '06
-Swim in a pool of English blood day.
-Hardcore America Jamboree!!!

Explosions of Love!

The Dads of Johnny Utah.

Aw no.

I like to think I have some school pride. I cheer for my alma-maters and I cheer against my rivals. That being said, I don't go out of my way to make fun and overly hate my rivals...except for Texas. Even then, however, my disdain is very tame compared to most OU alumni. The same can be said for other Big XII schools. However, after coming across this lame piece of ass-shit, I just can't help but say: "Stupid Faggies".




This is definitely one of the most awful things I have ever seen. It's not even funny awful. It's really pathetic and pitiful. This is how I envision the population of College Station.

Looks like the bonfire missed a couple.

I may be overyhyping my hate for it and this may have been a worthless post.

Love and junk -

Andy (JUhS)

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "The Cycle of Life"

The spider eats the fly,
but the fly doth not die.
The fly flied around
inside the belly of the spider
and it made the spider puke.

When the spider yakked,
the fly was back.
Back from the stomach of Tyrus the Spider.
Back from the dead.

The fly takes the to the hills.
Through the teachings of some rogue ants
the fly learns how to kills.
The ants say goodbye
and cry.

The fly leaves the crying ants
and returns to the party to dance
with Tyrus the Spider.
They go round and round and round again.
Until Potsy the Fly kills Tyrus dead.

Dead!

-Bad Poetry Guy

Flipping Out With Joe Mikulik

When I was 6 years old, I punched my grandmother in the face and then repeatedly shut the oven door on her head because she refused to give me just 4 more animal crackers! 4 MORE!!!

When I was 16 my high school chemistry teacher, Mrs. Stephens, accused me of cheating so I took a vat of hydochloric acid and threw it against her wall melting the pictures of her ugly ass family. Then, I sat down in my chair and clearly reenacted how I couldn't have cheated off the chick next to me with the big jugs because said jugs flopped over her test paper preventing any opportunity to cheat. I then micturated in Mrs. Stephens' fish tank while screaming at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT A CHEATER!".

A few years ago my youngest daughter got a puppy for her birthday. One afternoon, after I had gone way out of my way to Dairy Queen to purchase a cold, delicious strawberry shake to feed my craving for a cold, delicious strawberry shake I had to take a quick phone call in my study and left my cold, delicious strawberry shake in the kitchen. Upon completion of the call, I returned to the kitchen to find said puppy in the middle of a cold, delicious strawberry shake puddle on the kitchen floor. I got so angry and red in the face that my bow tie I was wearing caught on fire and smoke started to spout from my ears like steam from a tea pot. I then made a scream that only mythological sirens could understand, which broke every piece of glass in my house. I picked up the puppy and proceeded to punt it through some football uprights. When my daughter started to cry at the "cruelty" I had shown to her "precious Snaps", I dropped an anvil on her head and then punted her through some uprights as well. I then found a spoon and tried to salvage what I could of my now warm, melted, but delicious none-the-less strawberry floor shake.

So, some could say I have a "history of poor anger management". Some could say I "make mountains out of mole hills". I say that I'm merely a man of my own accord. I'm just trying to play with the cards I've been dealt and fighting for the little man and trying to rid the world of injustice. My life motto: "NEVER SURRENDER". My good friend, homie, brethren, mentor, etc., Malcolm X said "by any means necessary". Therefore, I feel justified in my actions from Sunday afternoon's baseball game in which, I "lost control" and garnered me a suspension and fine (as I'm sure you've all heard or seen by now). Here's the footage, just in case...



Shit, I hate Stuart Scott. Personally, I think I need to do some more bicep and deltoid work in the gym...where I'm regularly found forging my own weights from scrap steel I find under the highway.

So, now I find myself with 7 days off and out $1,000. What am I going to do with myself? I don't know. Some say I should "go to counseling". Some say I should take a trip or find a hobby. Hey! I have a hobby! It's called kicking ass and taking names and flipping the ass out!

Just this morning, I woke up to find my neighbor putting HIS trashbags into MY trash bin because his overly wasteful ass is too much for HIS bin to handle. I instantly Fred Flinstoned (walking with chest forward, feet stomping, arms pressed like concrete down to the ground) to the curb where I flung his trash all over his yard saying "shit" a lot. I then, set his piece of shit Toyota Prius ablaze while grabbing my crotch in the direction of his house with one hand and giving him the bird with the other. Next, I chopped down the giant oak in his front yard with my hands and fashioned a battering ram with which I knocked down his front door. I punched my neighbor in the nose, gave him a wedgie and then burned the bottom of his feet with a hot iron I had plugged in earlier. Finally, I told him his kids were "ugly retards" and that his wife had small boobs and stormed out after scattering some Chips Ahoy cookies across his living room.

Some say I'm insane and evil. I say I'm just living. Some say I need to relax. I say you can kiss my ass.

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Let me drop some more knowledge on you childrens. These are things you need to know.

KNOWLEDGE #6
Rollerblading is not awesome. Ever.

Rollerblading came into mass popularity sometime in the mid 1980s (i think). People would go to the local mercantile and purchase brightly colored blades and then get together with friends to rollerblade up and down their respective streets. They would form sweet rollerblading clubs and roll up and down the avenues in different formations like the "V", the "Z" and the "Long Dong Dragon". Correspondingly awful fashion was employed to make the rollerblader look like a giant neon colored spandex enthusiast. In the 80s, a decade regarded as completely ridiculous, rollerblading and its many life changing behaviors were merely drops in the big bucket of said ridiculousiosity. The lame way people looked both wearing blades and "blading" on blades was also partially acceptable in the early to mid 90s. However, in our current climate of awesome (of which the Johnny is oh-so-happy to be a part of), rollerblading needs to be outlawed. The only time rollerblading is at all warranted is when you have the blades on and are performing sweet tricks off of benches, rails, cars, or drained pools. In any other set of circumstances rollerblading is not awesome. Not at all.

That's it for now. Happy Fathers Day everyone!

I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledge to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

Let's watch movies: Heat

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Heat. Heat stars Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, Tommy "Boom Boom" Sizemore and one of my favorite actors, Tom Noonan.

Heat is a movie about bad mother-fuckin' dudes. I actually heard that Bad Mother-Fuckin' Dudes Kickin' Ass and Stealin' Some Shit was a potential title. The movie centers around the "adventures" of two men. Pacino plays a cop (who kicks ass) and DeNiro plays a crook (who steals some shit). The two men respect each other but want to put a stop to one another at the same time. The movie is punctuated by some of the slickest and most radical action scenes ever captured in a movie. There are a lot of bullets and a lot of windows being broken. The movie takes a turn for the awesome as Pacino and DeNiro get more and more intense until it eventually pole vaults well over the previously set record of awesome and sets a new one during the final hour. Oh yeah, Tom Noonan is in it. He hasn't been this good since Robocop 2 and that is really saying something. Heat is an astoundingly awesome and all around amazingly astute action adventure (ALLITERATION BITCHES) movie. It is three hours long but it's a good three hours. It doesn't really feel long. It feels developed. Yeah.

Reviews tend to be both more difficult to write and less entertaining to read when the movie being reviewed is good. I will make a note of this and try to review pure shit (see Havoc) more often in the future.

+PROS+
+Stellar cast that delivers on all of its potential.
+Multiple hair styles from Val Kilmer!!
+Tom Noonan with a beard.
+LOTS of broken glass.
+Jeremy Piven is actually in this movie.

-CONS-
-There were not enough references to the temperature being "damned hot". This made me feel cheated by the title. A movie called Heat should be about hotness. Pacino should've looked DeNiro right in the face and said, "DAMN IT MAAANNN! IT IS HOT!". That would've really made it for me in a big way.
-The fact that John Voight (yeah he's in this too...and he's surly as balls) doesn't spell his name John VOYT.

I give this film a 8.99878 out of 10
-Derek

The JU(H)S Goes East: Andrew heads to the land of the Red Dragon

Well, after enough delay to invoke a full-fledged anticlimax, I have finally arrived in Hong Kong. I have the tendency land in new places at night, so I don't think I've had the full effect yet. From what I can tell so far, it seems pretty awesome. Right now it's 11:20pm - unfortunately my body thinks it's 11:20am. Consequently, I probably won't be sleeping tonight. I'm debating whether or not to go out and explore a strange city after midnight, or stay put and live to see daylight. I think I'll opt for prudence at this juncture - I'm here until November, so I'll have plenty of time for excursions.

Although situated in a much more exotic locale, I can't say my story has the same flair as Michael's recent travels. He is kicking ass and taking names (possibly literally regarding the latter) as a PA and LA Film Festival intern. I am merely carrying on virtually the same job I had in NY, except with even more excruciating hours. Hopefully in the coming weeks, I will have something more interesting to report. In the meantime, as Derek so eloquently put, we can finally say the JU(H)S is international - spanning the globe from HK, LA, Dallas, NY, and soon London. Not bad fellas. The expansion can only continue.

Lastly, some tidbits: Derek - I expect a copy of Elephant Gun. I will find some way to pay you, probably via the parents. Mike - I appreciate your attempt to compromise on our naming scheme with "JU(H)S". As you can see, I've adopted this format for my own use. Henceforth, the Johnny Utah Symposium shall be know as, not "JUS", not "JUhS", but ... "JU(H)S". Previously, not enough acronyms contained parentheses. We can proudly say we righted this wrong. Andy - if you're in a movie with Walter Sobchak ... ... there are no words. Please make this happen.

Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii,

Andrew
"Proud JU(H)S Member Since 2006!"

DEREK 360: We are not dead.

Hey gang,

I thought I would take this opportunity to fill in all of you with the recent happenings of the JUS founding dad dudes. This is being provided to both inform and potentially entertain you all and to also operate as an excuse for the lack of posting in the past week to 10 days. Let's see here:

Michael is in Los Angeles as he so perfectly articulated in the post below this one. He is there accosting celebrities and chasing his dreams.

Andrew is in the process of moving to Hong Kong. No joke. Once he's there and settled the JUS will go international in a big way. Yes. Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii.

Andy has signed with a talent agent and recently auditioned for a sweet Xmas-based MOW (Movie of the Week) with John Goodman.

Oh, and me? It is no secret that I play in a band called Hardin Sweaty and The Ready to Go. The band just completed album number three and it is currently being manufactured into mass quantities somewhere in Indiana. It should be available to the public for the first time June 30th. The album is called Elephant Gun and it is probably the best album ever made. Ever.

It's all very exciting.

Stay tuned because the JUS is reloading. More and more new and exciting content (that will be the fucking awesome) is coming soon.

-Derek

The JU(H)S Goes West: Michael Thomas heads to the land of $3.50 a gallon

"You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake son. "
-Layer Cake

Here we go, folks. The adventure begins. Tomorrow me and Juhs fan Danny Jordan head off to Los Angeles. We have internships at this year's Los Angeles Film Festival. We're not getting paid for our hard work, because we're simply peons, but we've got ambition, creativity, and no opposition to the casting couch. Since I'm moving there, you may ask: "Have you ever been to California?" The answer is no, but I have heard nice things.

I don't really know what to expect. I have money to burn, a couch to crash on, good job opportunities, and the wearwithall to fall on my face a few times.

Pretty much I want to take this time to thank my fellow JU(H)Sers Derek, Andy, and Andrew. It's been a strange year since post-graduation. May 2005 to May 2006 was frustrating, maddening, disapointing, satisfying, gratiyfing, and awesome. I wouldn't have survived it without you guys. And I'm mainly speaking to Andy and Derek here. Andrew you were in New York most of the time, therefore not as special. However, you were still pretty tits in your own right.

Dear Readers, in the coming weeks expect short and sweet updates regarding my travels. Times are about to get interesting for the men of the Johnny U. You'll want to be there every step of the way.

Here now for your pleasure is a sweet picture of the founding fathers of the Johnny Utah Symposium, minus Andrew Salvoni:



Take it easy, friends.

DEREK 360: OH SHIT!

Oh no.

This, my friends and neighbors, is the beginning of the end.

Well no. The beginning of the end was when Dancing with the Stars was the leading television show in the ratings. What I am about to discuss is like step two of the beginning of the end. Step two of the end or something.

Come along with me if you would. Let's go to Utah. A state known for mormons, multiple wives, plateaus, and now...BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE. That's right. The Bubonic Plague is back in a big way and it is eradicating mice and other rodents inside the Natural Bridge National Monument area. The Natural Bridge National Monument (NBNM) is that awesome rock bridge that marks pretty much all things Utah-ian and now it is tainted with the smudgey grossness of BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE.


The campgrounds surrounding the NBNM have been closed and will be put through rigourous degermification processes. Humans typically contract the BLACK DEATH from fleas that have contracted it from filthy rodents carrying it. Exterminators are going to go in and try to kill all of the fleas. Trouble is, if only one of those fleas escapes. Maybe joins a traveling flea circus or something. Well then we will have the beginnings of THE BLACK DEATH round two.

Note: The Bubonic Plague can be treated and defeated with modern medicine.

This is bad.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 6

Another riveting game was played between Andy, Mike and Derek on Monday evening. The game was played at a secondary location. This change in scenery did not affect the level of competition displayed by the athletes.

GAME SUMMARY:
The beginning of this game was marked with complaining. Andy complained about having to pee. Derek complained about Michael's tardiness (he was eating some dinner) and Michael complained about taxes. The three men put away their petty problems and began the game. The game was a quick one with all three players staying relatively close to one another for the first few possessions. Michael quickly began to dominate however. His display of mid-range jumpers and forceful inside moves was occasionally interrupted by mini-runs from Andy and Derek but in the end Michael's offensive prowess brought him a "W".

WINNER:
Michael

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-1

In a post game interview Michael had this to say: "I'm just happy to have more points than Andrew."

Yeah.
-Studerino

Mike and Derek Ruin A Movie

*NO ONE AT THE JUHS FEELS BAD ABOUT BLOWING THE LID OFF THE BLOCKBUSTER FILM OF THE SUMMER. WHY? BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE SHOULD BE EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOVIE*

Hey, guys. Check out who shows up for a surprise cameo at the end of FAST AND THE FURIOUS - TOKYO DRIFT:















Oh. You're upset?
Oh. Eat shit.

-Mike and Derek.

"Your pastel striped vest looks like shit."

First we had 311 Vs. Scott Stapp.

Now we have this.

Don't move Hilfiger's drink. Don't do it.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 5

Andy, Mike and Derek got together earlier today for some JUBL basketball action. The weather conditions were ideal and all three men seemed to bring their "A" game to the court.

GAME SUMMARY:
This game was a gripping display of competition...for the most part. Mike ran into some bad luck in the early goings but continued to bounce back. He had a strange hopping-while-dribbling thing going on that seemed to be working for him from time to time. Andy and Derek were making shots in their normal customary ways. Derek through jump shots and fade aways and Andy through acrobatic moves to the basket. The game remained competitive throughout but in the end it was Derek who sealed his first JUBL victory of the year with a long jumper.

WINNER:
Derek

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-0

Gripping. Just gripping.
-Studer

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Let's watch movies: Havoc

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Havoc. Havoc stars Anne Hathaway, the always reliable Bijou Phillips and some Latin dudes.

Havoc is about a group of girls (with the focus being primarily placed on two of them) who become so bored with the safe suburban world that they live in that they decide to go over to the "bad side" of town and hang out with some bad ass Latin dudes. The Latin dudes are drug dealers and they live a fast and dangerous lifestyle that gets Bijou and Anne a wee bit excited. Things escalate when the ladies go to a shady hotel room and ask to become "a part of the gang". Oh yeah, the Latin dudes are, of course, in a gang. The Latin dudes are totally cool with the idea of them joining the gang but their is an initiation. The initiation is that the girls each roll a single dice (or is it a die). Whatever number they roll is the number of awesome Latin gang member dudes they have to fuck. I think all at the same time or something. Anne rolls a one and good old Bijou "I'm a dirty slut" Phillips rolls like a 15 (I don't remember). So from there things get out of hand. Anne turns into a prude (after displaying her nude bod for like the eighth time in the movie...not complaining) and refuses to fuck the one dude she was supposed to fuck. Bijou however is all about it. She starts fucking some dudes and, what a surprise, she has a bad time. The Latin dudes let up and let the chicks leave. The chicks then blow things out of proportion and say the Latin dudes raped them. Actually I think Bijou's the only one that flips the script on the Latins but I don't remember. From here things escalate even more when Anne's "I wanna be black" boyfriend gets involved. I don't remember the ending. I don't know if I was watching. This movie sucks.

The point of this movie was clear. It was trying to serve as a cautionary tale to parents and to kids. To parents it is trying to tell you to watch your kids. If you think they may be sneaking off to East L.A. for a fiesta then maybe it is time to intervene. To kids it is telling you to NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS WHO ARE IN GANGS. That is a life you stumble into, not a life you seek out. Just say no and stuff.

Let's do like a pros and cons thing here:

+PROS+
+Anne Hathaway's boobs
+The realistic depiction of Latin gangs (cough cough)

-CONS-
-Basically everything
-Bijou Phillips has got to be on the cons despite being naked for the majority of the movie. She just sucks.

I give this film a 3.31785 out of 10
-Derek

Johnny-U Album Review: 10,000 Days

Fellow JUhSers,

Before I can review this album for you, I feel I must explain where I fit within the realm of popular music. Let's put it this way: If rock was a school, I'd be in the special ed class.

This was not always so. In my heyday, circa Freshman and Sophomore years in college, I attended an astounding variety of live shows (including Tool in San Antonio during their Lateralus tour) and illegally downloaded multiple gigabytes worth of mp3s. Since then my level of rock IQ has atrophied significantly. I am grossly dependent on Michael's suggestions (Death from Above 1979, Arctic Monkeys, etc...) and Derek's mix tapes (Feel Good Rock Roll Vol. 1 & 2). I've been listening to a decent mix of those, Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go, and Coheed and Cambria for the past few months. Although my musical tastes have adjusted over the years, I'm still the same person who grew up on early 90's rock and, later, the metal stylings of Metallica, Pantera, and Tool.

Each new Tool album has been a momentous event. As a band, when you make the decision to release only one new album every four years, it's best that you adhere to certain standards. In other words, you better make it worth the damn wait. Tool, overwhelmingly, has done so. It's hard to believe that a band with only four full-length releases in the amount of time they've been around has garnered such a following.

In my opinion, Ænima must act as the yardstick against which all of their new releases are measured. I'm a huge fan of Undertow, but I believe Ænima is Tool's crowning achievement, fully embodying their style and maturity as a band. On this basis, I was disappointed with Lateralus at first. I still believe it's a spectacular album, but for me it did not live up to the staggering expectations inherently created as "the follow-up to Ænima." Standing alone it is amazing, but in the context of Tool's greater repertoire, it does not rank highly for me.

10,000 days gets much, much closer.

The album begins with the first single, "Vicariously." It is far superior to "Schism" - a song I don't particularly enjoy. It's your classic seven minute Tool tune, and it rocks pretty hard. I'm not going to use this space to analyze songs or opine as to the inner meaning of the symbolism because, really, I don't give a shit. I don't care if you're singing about daisies and lollipops, as long as the song rocks. I will say this: Maynard's lyrics in this album are extremely straightforward. He flirts with the literal for much of the album. This was completely unexpected, especially after the apparent direction the band was heading with Lateralus, but it's actually very refreshing.

I was taken aback at first - how could Tool release something so simplistic? The guitar riffs are back to the basics, reminiscent of much of their work in Undertow. The softer, trippier songs are melodic and don't particularly push progressive rock boundaries. I think Tool said to themselves, "we can still make badass rock songs - they may be long and weird as hell, but they're gonna fucking rock, and they're gonna fucking keep you interested." In a way, they're in direct opposition to one of their ongoing themes ("be patient...") with the adoption of this (relatively) direct approach to songwriting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just used to Tool's style, but I have the feeling this album will meet greater popular success as a result, without sacrificing any artistic integrity.

Getting back to the review, the first two tracks ("Vicariously" and "Jambi") are badass rock tunes. The next two, sister-songs "Wings for Marie (Part 1)" and "10,000 Days (Wings Part 2)" are softer, flowing, and punctuated with some stunning crescendos. They make up a two-part tribute (of sorts) to Maynard's mother, so they consist of pretty heady material. Once again, the lyrics aren't overly symbolic. Once again, I'm a fan.

"The Pot" reverts the album back to it's hard rock core, performed in the same vein as "Hooker with a Penis" and "Ticks & Leeches." Oh, and the bass line is fucking badass. "Lost Keys (Blame Hofmann)" and "Rosetta Stoned" are a connected intro & song about aliens and LSD. Cool. "Intension" is another trippy seven minute tune. If you liked "Disposition" and "Reflection," you'll like this one. "Right in Two," effectively the album's conclusion, is another badass song. If you made it this far, you deserve it, too. It's another straightforward commentary on how mankind wastes it's gifts fighting about useless shit. I wholeheartedly agree - the topic couldn't be more pertinent.

In conclusion, I like 10,000 days. A lot. It's a welcome respite from the copious amount of shitty rock music out now. It doesn't quite reach the same heights as Ænima, but I've only had a week to let it sink in. My initial feeling is that it doesn't quite acheive the same scope or cohesion. However, time will fit the album in it's correct place. If nothing else, it demonstrates that Tool is still moving forward creatively, still making entertaining music, and still remains a relevant force in the watered-down metal scene.

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS member since 2006!"




Tool says: "Enjoy our new album, bitches!"

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek