Vincent Gallo Presents: How to tie a tie

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding.


Howdy all you mother-fuckers. This is Vincent Gallo. I'm gonna fuckin' kill all of you, but first, I'm gonna teach you some necessary shit to make the lifes your living worth two fucks. Today lets tie a fucking tie.

This tie is called a "Four-in-hand" knot. We're gonna take this step buy step for all you dumb fucks. There's gonna be a quiz at the end so you better fuckin' listen, or I'll step on your neck (no goddamn pun intended).


STEP 1: Begin with the wide end on your right and extending about a foot below the narrow end of your tie.

STEP 2: Bring the wide end of the tie over the narrow (right side to left side).

STEP 3: Bring the wide end underneath the narrow end (left side to right side).

STEP 4: Bring the wide end of the tie over the narrow again (right side to left side).

STEP 5: Bring the wide end of the tie through the back of the loop (left side to center).

STEP 6: Hold the front of the knot loose with your index finger; pass the wide end down through the loop (created in step 4) in front.

Fuck, there a lot of fucking steps hear. Lemme tell you kids and babies about a fuckin' thing that happened to me back in 2001. I was at this convention. I was doing some fucking business, the details are not your business so don't fucking ask. I call this old friend of mine and he's like "hey man you should call this fuckin' prostitute I know and get her to suck on your meat". I called the whore and she came to my hotel room. She was a fucking wreck, just the way I like it. I told her to take off her fucking clothes or I would "kill her" (was I kidding?). She got naked and she had a fucking dick. Fuck. Back to the steps. Stay focused.

STEP 7: Remove your finger and tighten the knot.

STEP 8: Hold the narrow end of the tie and slide the knot up to the collar.

That's it. Go tie sixteen ties you fuckin' animals. I'm gonna go walk the streets of New York. All night.

-Vincent Gallo