DEREK 360: Current Events and the Recipe for Peace.

The Johnny Utah Symposium loves current events. We thrive on them. Sometimes though, the powerful negativity of a week's events can make the men of the Johnny sad. This past week was one of these weeks. Here's the rundown on a shitty week:

1. Red Buttons died.
2. There was a major terrorist attack in India.
3. A building exploded and collapsed in New York City.
4. Syd Barrett died.
5. Oil prices soared.
6. The ozone layer continued to melt.
7. Mr. T gave up his gold chains.
8. The stock market had a really hard week.
9. A man in his 80's was arrested for selling crack to a woman in exchange for prostititution (no joke).

Oh, and

10. Israel and the Lebanese group known as Hezbollah went to war with each other.

I put that last one last because it is, in my opinion, the gravest current event in a week of grave current events (though that India thing was seriously hardcore). The past two days have been punctuated hourly by new proclamations of war between the two sides. Buildings being destroyed and people being slaughtered.

I also put that one last on my list of doom because it is the easiest to fix of the ten. For reals.

All we have to do is use the power of American cinema. Little Man came out today and I can tell you, even without seeing it, that it's gonna be one of the seven most awesomely hilarious movies of all time. So funny, in fact, that all we need to do to cease this new conflict in the middle east is load up some planes (and this is all demonstrated in the crude representation below) with televisions or monitors showing Little Man, fly these planes over the areas in turmoil and drop the monitors down into the heart of the conflict. The people fighting will take a second to look over at one of the televisions and break out laughing at the sight of a baby with Marlon Wayans' face (I'm laughing right now just thinking about it). This laughter will encourage others from both sides to look at the televisions until finally all the dudes who were once fighting are now watching a movie, high fiving a lot, and making sweet treaties.


Hezbollah loves Marlon Wayans.
-Derek