DEREK 360: Dancing With The Stars Preview

Hello everyone.

I love dancing. I love sexy dancing, classic dancing, dancing that involves food, food that can dance, ballet, tap, jazz, hip-hop, Mayan, Aztec, Sumarian, Hula, pop'n-n-lock'n, hyphy dancing, crunk dancing, pole dancing, stripping, the dancing you do on the line when you're completely blasted out of your mind and the officer asks you to walk straight, ceremonial dancing, Jewish dancing, dancing that involves a lot of jumping, skanking, gettin' low, grinding, freaking, bumping, dry humping, dancing with animals, dancing animals, dancing around issues, dancing around me writing the rest of this article-

Oh...I got off track there but I'm back. I apologize. So, as I was saying, I love dancing and there is really no television show that is a better outlet for my dance love than Dancing With The Stars on ABC. It is just so exciting to see all these awesome (and totally relatable) celebs dancing their way to the championship. So today I am going to preview the upcoming fourth season of DWTS by going through the list of new celebs and analyzing them. Oh yes.


Dancing With The Stars: Season 4 Contestants:

1. Laila Ali
Laila is an undefeated chick boxer and the daughter of Muhammad Ali. Because Papa Ali is (for some reason) just about the most beloved man in all of sports history, she is definitely one of the more "famous" people in this cast. I know that's scary. I'm sure her "sting like a bee" genes will do her a lot of good on the dance floor as she manipulates her softball player's physique in outfits that will not be flattering or appropriate on someone of her...stature. She has the potential to be a ridiculous chick oaf and make an ass of herself or she has the chance to dance herself into the final rounds (pun intended). She's hard to call.

2. Billy Ray Cyrus
Awwwwwwwwwww shit. Look who's back in the good graces of the American public. Billy "Achy Breaky Heart" Cyrus has wisely been keeping a low profile the last decade. He's on a show called Hannah Montana which, with a name like that, has to be absolutely awesome. Something tells me that Billy's dancing skills have atrophied in the same way his hit song writing skills have, so I don't see him making it to the end.

3. Clyde Drexler
Clyde fills the obligatory sports figure role on DWTS. He was nicknamed "The Glide" while in the NBA so I'm sure the producers expect that gliding ability to transfer over to some skill on the dancefloor. Unfortunately it was probably a nickname he gained, not on the basketball court as orginally thought, but in the many whorehouses that dot the fringe of downtown Portland. If it were Bangin' With The Stars or Playin' One on One With An Aged NBA Superstar That May or May Not Have The Clap he would be set, but in this contest he will not be the second coming of Emmitt Smith. He will lose.

4. Joey Fat One
Joey Fat One is a member of the now blown up boy band, NSYNC. He is not a porn star (yet) despite the obvious ease with which his name could transition into that realm. He is not the gay dude and he is not related to Mark Wahlberg. He has never had sex with Cameron Diaz but he may have given head to the writer/director of My Big Fat Greek Wedding (That's pure speculation...but when Fat One is on set, things happen). I guess he did some "dancing" when he was in NSYNC but I think he was always one of the lamer (lamer is being used here in the sense of a dying horse...not an uncool individual) ones who got stuffed in the back. He's an enigma, but I don't see him winning this thing.

5. Shandi Finnessy
Who the hell is this person? She's a former Miss USA so she's probably on board to fill the "hot ass" requirement. If she can dance even a little bit she can win...because people love hot ass. According to ABC.com she's also the host of a Gameshow Network show called Playmania. I'm sure that show is awesome. I've got a great feeling about this chick (and thats without even google image searching her name).

6. Leeza Gibbons
Leeza Gibbons is one of those disgusting entertainment journalists that cover celebrity weight fluctuation, create hybrid couple names and preview second rate reality television shows...

She also can't spell her name for shit and my gut tells me to call her Sleeza...and Sleeza's can't dance. She's losing.

7. Heather Mills
Heather Mills was, at one point and time, married to Paul "I'm Bullshit" McCartney. ABC is making a big deal about the fact that she is the first DWTS contestant to have an artificial limb. I think that's great too, except for the fact that you kinda need two good (and real) legs to dance your way to the top of the celeb dancing pile, so it'll be an uphill battle. She is missing one of her legs below the knee and she is also "famous" for her landmine awareness and prevention programs. Irony? She'll get all the attention at first until it's revealed that wheelchairs and limping are frowned upon. At that point she'll bow out gracefully to pursue "her causes".

8. Apolo Anton Ohno
Just typing this shithead's name makes me wanna vomit. He's a speed skater and he'll probably go all the way to the end. "OHNO? OH YES!" will become a nationally embraced catchphrase and this three named jackass will finally become the star he was destined to become five Olympic medals ago. Somewhere some place someone will make the incredible point of how disturbing it is that people are glued to a show about washed up has been "celebrities" dancing in a competition that is reigned over by the host of America's Funniest Home Videos while the Olympics, a legendary international matchup of might and will that dates back to Zeus, barely registers as a top ten program in the Neilsen ratings anymore. This point, however, will not register with anyone because they will all be watching DWTS.

9. Vincent Pastore
This dude is famous for playing a character named Big Pussy on The Sopranos. He is overweight. He will probably be extremely self-disparaging as the judges (dance experts) rip him a new one week after week before finally booting him off the show. He's comic relief in the form of a lovable big dude. He will lose. Maybe after this he can be on the inevitable second season of Armed and Famous.

10. Paulina Porizkova
This chick is a model. She's good looking so she has a chance to go all the way. She is, according to ABC.com releasing a book in the Spring so I guess she's a model/author now. Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. She is not the foolish model chick who is dating James Blunt. That chick is different...and really, really, really foolish.

11. Ian Ziering
It is pronounced EYE-AN. This joke was a member of the cast of Beverly Hills 90210. He's taking the pathway layed out before him by the brilliantly bald Joey "Whoa" Lawrence. The path of a completely washed up former television actor who is now busy "producing" films while weighing the pros and cons of dabbling in softcore porn. If he performs like Mr. Lawrence he may earn the chance to go back to doing what he's doing now...nothing. DWTS is not a springboard to fame (just ask that chick with the breasts who won the first one), it's a celebration of famous people figuring out that they have a talent and then nurturing that talent to fruition.

The final two will be Laila Ali and Apolo John Anthony Ohno with Ohno winning, as not even a solo dance by Ali's dad is enough to sway the voters. It will be emotional. It will be real. It will be brilliant.

It will suck. Real bad.
-Derek