DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the semi-occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today I want to talk about what appears to be a new epidemic in the world of stupidity. Specifically the world of stupid ways to off yourself. I'm talking about this. Stowing away in the wheel well of planes in an attempt at a free ride. In the past month two dudes have been found dead in the wheel wells of planes after they attempted to stow away and suffocated to death next to the landing gear.

What kind of shit has to be going on in your life for this to seem like a viable option. It must be bad news on the home front for you to say to yourself,

"I need to get out of here...but I don't have any money...well I guess I could just stowaway on that British Airways flight to Los Angeles...yeah...that'd work...but how can i do it?...I could poke some holes in a box and ship myself...nah...that's so, like, four years ago...no, it's gotta be something fresh...I got it!...I'll crawl into the wheel well while all of the (supposedly) dozens of security and airport personnel have their backs turned...yes!...then I'll cool out next to the landing gear for like a few hours until I hear the plane landing...then when the wheel well opens up again i'll, like, jump out...yeah...fuck yeah...i'm sure there is air in there...and maybe I can snag some food...it may seem crazy but I love airplane food...I just love the portions...they're so right for me...yeah...this is a great idea...".

And how are these dudes getting down onto the tarmacs of our world's totally secure airports and then, and this is even more frightening, actually getting inside the planes. What would happen if one of these stowaways was fat or something and they affected the landing gear? Of course that's silly because everyone knows that stowing away is a skinny man's game but you never know.

Also...and forgive me but I'm just throwing out these queries as they come to me here...but also, if these stupid stowaway corpses are crawling into the wheel well in like Barcelona or something (they always have a lot of trouble determining when and where the person came on board since the planes literally go all over the world in a given day) do they just flop out after a certain amount of time? When a pilot is landing and he lowers the landing gear does a body just plop out from time to time? That would be quite ghoulish.


The stupidity of this whole thing just baffles me.

Have their been successful stowaways using this method?

What happened to the old poke a few holes in a box and ship yourself trick? Where did it go?

The stowaway world has gone to the stupid and it's a real shame.

I apologize for the unfunniness of this post, but the strength of my feelings about this issue supplant all attempts at humor.
-Derek