Nels' News

Hey there people. I'm back with an update. I just wanted to tell you that all Italians are dirty and greasy. OK!

Wop bop a-dago a-wop bop bip,
Nels St. Claire

Godammit.

You know what I don't like? Bloggers blogging about blogging. It's sort of ... pointless. Not really adding a lot of insight, are you, going on and on about your "job" in this new "industry" you have?

I realize, of course, this means I'm blogging about bloggers who blog about blogging. I'm now going to wrap this up. While my brain explodes. Whenever you see me next, and I'm not acting right and I have this glazed look in my eyes like there's something terribly wrong (brain explosion), remember it's because I decided to post this today.

God, I hate everyone...

Why can't these online journals be more like the Johnny?

DEREK 360: !QUIK HITZ!

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

This is the most horrifying news story I've read in a long time. This is actually (and I know it seems impossible) more frightening than the whole fish rebellion/bird flu pandemic bit. This story is the proof that true evil exists. Plus, the casual tone that it is presented with adds to my fears. If we can't get freaked out by large, alien-looking, eelish, prehistoric, H.R. Giger inspired creatures that look like something a special effects house would create for a movie about hardcore alien-animal-monster-things eating scuba divers then we won't get freaked out by anything. We, as a culture, are completely desensitized to true evil. We're too busy trying to spot terrorists or other more common enemies. We need to open our eyes though and start looking around for monsters and draculas and werewolves. If shit this nasty is just a couple thousand feet under the water who knows what kind of awesomely horrible stuff is lurking inside THE CENTER OF THE MOTHER-FUCKING EARTH!!! WHATTTTTT!!!


I'll never sleep again.

2. TWO. DOS.

This is some blog appropriate news. This is also one of the best ideas the stage world has had in a long time.

3. THREE. TRES.

Clint Eastwood is an overrated asshole.

Oh baby,
Derek

Life. Truly.

Willy Watch: Update

Not to get in the way of Derek's Music Noose post, but I had to bring this to your attention.

Willy strikes again, this time down under. Eric is one of the lucky ones. Again, we must reiterate to you, no water-related activities. Please people, this is a serious issue. Jesus...

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE:
Dear lord... what is this? Many thanks to the Johnny's Japanese contingent for capturing the beast and killing it. Keep fishing, indeed.

DEREK 360: MUSIC NOOSE!

HEY!

The Johnny is one year old. We still don't have any teeth but we're starting to put sounds together. We can lift ourselves up and stand next to furniture but we still can't walk on our own without completely biting it. We shit ourselves. A lot. We are babies. Babies who can type 48 WPM.

I want to take this time to thank Andrew for turning the pressure on for the coming terrible two's of Johnny-dom. His statements about how year two will be bigger and better than year one have both frightened and inspired the writers here at the Johnny. But, fear not. We will increase productivity by further slacking on the few minor quality control measures that were already in place. With that said...

MUSIC NOOSE!

Today is Monday January 22 (for like another 45 minutes or so). Tomorrow is Tuesday. Hott new musics come out on Tuesdays. What do we have to look forward to this week???

****Well there is this band called The Shins. They've got a new record coming out. It's called Wincing the Night Away. I don't know about all of you, but when I think about the word wincing I picture Jesse Ventura in Predator. He ain't got time to bleed but he does have time to wince. Wait. What? I told you guys, quality control is flushed.

The new Shins record is a hotly anticipated release in the "indie" rock realm. I listened to it back in October, when it was delivered by mail to everyone in the country for free (at least that's how it seemed...it was everywhere...they were airdropping it over Africa instead of food at some points). It's solid. If you're a Shins fan you'll like it. Zach Braff will probably write about it in his blog and then buy the rights to it in a Michael Jackson buys all the rights to Beatles songs manner and use the songs to soundtrack every one of his scenes on Scrubs. No QC.

****Some dude named Pretty Ricky has a new album coming out. I listened to some of it on AOL. It sounds sexy as hell. The first line of the first song has Mr. Ricky proclaiming "DOES ANYBODY WANNA COME HOME WITH PRETTY RICKY TONIGHT???" Just crooning the shit out of it. Unfortunately for Rick, no one wants to come home with him. Why? Oh because we're all still hanging out with Sisqo back in the year 2000 when he did the exact same fucking thing.

****Of Montreal have a new record coming out. I haven't heard any of this record. I really don't know anything on this one. Starting your band's name with "of" is a bold move. Bold.

Speaking of bold.

****The top music release of the last half decade is coming out tomorrow. It's coming straight from a man who is as bold as the trucks in Texas and as rich as the soil at the bottom of the Mississippi. From the East coast to the West coast. From the Dixie highway back home (I think those are the words). That's right folks. Finally, after months and months of hype...

...the Cougar returneth.

John Mellencamp, Mr. "Our Country" himself, releases his new one tomorrow and on it (track seven) is the epic anthem of patriotism and awesomeness, "Our Country". Some of you may have heard "Our Country" when it was played during every commercial break of every show during every hour of tv on every network (with double playings during every sporting event). A lot of Chevy trucks have been hocked using the always reliable power of patriotism to help sweeten the deal for the buyer. This album also has a song called "Ghost Towns Along the Highway" which had better be 100% literal. There's no point in discussing this any further. "Our Country" is the new "Star Spangled Banner" and that's that. What the fuck is a spangle anyway.

"Oh say can you seeeeeeeeeeeee,
That this is Our Country!!"

I hate this shit. Fuck you John Mellencamp.

That's the QC free music noose. I'll do better next time.
-Derek

"Real" Blogs Rip Us Off.

Uh... Let's hearken back to March 2006. You may or may not remember a piece I penned entitled Brain or No Brain. It was more or less a short rant describing why Deal or No Deal sucks a lot of ass. A worthless show, through and through. I haven't seen it in a while, but I'm sure it's still just as bad. Please correct me if it unexpectedly became both enlightening and entertaining.

Now, let me direct your attention towards this post (it's from a blog called Defective Yeti, which apparently people read) Note the striking resemblance.

Sorry dude, but this is old news. Seriously, it took you almost a year after this revelation was posted on the JUhS? Let's keep it fresh, blog writers of the world. I will give him props, however, for suggesting an alternative (as opposed to fruitless complaining, as I am known to do now and again). Double points for the alternative incorporating blunt trauma to the nads.

-Andrew (JUhS)

... and ... NOW

Sym·po·si·um (sĭm-pō'zē-əm)

1. a collection of opinions expressed or articles contributed by several persons on a given subject or topic.
2. a meeting or conference for the discussion of some subject, esp. a meeting at which several speakers talk on or discuss a topic before an audience.
3. (in ancient Greece and Rome) a convivial meeting, usually following a dinner, for drinking and intellectual conversation.


Today is the Nineteenth of January in the year Two-Thousand and Seven.

The organization we now know as The Johnny Utah Symposium is one year old. This is the Johnny U's first anniversary. 365 days have passed since the JUhS was created. The revolution machine we call the Earth has completed its solar circumnavigation one whole time since our humble Symposium began.

Quite a feat, but make no mistake! This is only the beginning.

First, a recap is in order. This is by no means an exhaustive list. One can only attempt to describe what wonders have gone down in the past year.

• Bad Poetry Guy wrote us several captivating (and, dare we say, good) poems
  


• A certain V. Gallo taught us many fucking things



• The partial history of Yousef the Sun God and The Radical Tad was transcribed



• Flaunt-it Flaunt-it Gary helped us appreciate some of the finer things in life



• We were treated to stunning sights, as seen through Andy's aperture



• Derek pontificated on all 360 degrees of existence



• Whipmaster Charlie began his quest to change the world, one skin lesion at a time



• Michael ranted on multiple subjects, but mostly treated us to a inside look at La-La Land. We don't hate him for it



• Andrew traveled the globe, spreading the Johnny goodness like it was appleseed



• The JUBL was founded



• Various movies, albums, books, YouTube clips and orchestral movements were reviewed



• (Inter)National Dig Day was founded



• Fidel Castro entrusted to us his last will and testament



• The Diabolical Fish Mastermind Formerly Known as Big Pooga (aka Willy) killed many humans, including the inimitable Steve Irwin - but his plot was discovered by the JUhS



• A little tiny baby's face was made very, very famous



• The blog died



• The blog was resurrected



• Salazar Scuttle and Nels St. Claire assisted in many endeavors



• Our Sister Blog was founded. True. Amazing. True and Amazing.



• Sweaty Frank Viola sweated



• Chris Penn died



• Wilbur Burris smiled, and all was right in the world

It's been an active first year. Establishing and executing an international blog of such distinction isn't easy. Much has been done, but there is much still left to do. We can say, without an ounce of hyperbole, that the second year will be even better than the first. A tall order, yes, but one that the brothers of JUhS will undertake with fervor.

A hearty "thank you" to each of our readers. Without you, our Symposium would have even less meaning than it already does. We hope you'll continue the journey with us into Year Two. Many exciting events are in store. We're confident you won't be disappointed.

With Hot Love and Admiration,
The Johnny Utah Symposium

Wait for it...

Dear Readers:

Tomorrow is a monumental day in the life
of our beloved Johnny U.

Consider yourself notified.

Much Love,

The Information Station

Fish Rebellion: The Report.

"2007 will bring about the end of days": A really long and terrifying report by Derek.

It's been a long time my friends. I've phoned in a few stock posts on silly little nothings while all the time I have been gathering vital intel for this post. This is the big one. This is the report that will open your eyes and encourage you to either take action...or die.

Let's first go back to the past to anticipate the future.

2006 was a grand year. Everyone had a great time buying stuff and laughing and having casual sex with models and things of that variety. However, all the while, certain areas of the Earth were experiencing changes. Fish were becoming unruly. They were killing people.

There was Ian Card, in Bermuda, who got run through by a blue marlin. Mr. Card, being a hoss of ridiculous durability, did not die.

There was that dude in Florida who got slapped by a sturgeon while water skiiing and nearly died.

There was the tragic story of Steve Irwin, who was done in by a stingray in an aquatic accident that experts said was "one in a million".

There was a second ray attack a few weeks later that, conveniently, got very little media attention.

There was the still unsolved case of the Russian man who was killed by some sort of radiation poisoning that may have been caused by him eating some faulty sushi. The poison sushi is the Kamikaze pilot of the rebellious fish world.

On top of those there were the literally thousands of cases of fish attacks, some minor and some extreme, that the government covered up and erased from the public consciousness.

Throughout all of this there has been a central figure. A fish that can talk. A fish known to me only as Big Pooga. A fish that was so bold as to give me numerous audiences throughout the course of the last six months and in these audiences tell me point by point how the fish of the world, a species that outnumbers human beings by a ridiculous margin, were going to rise up and kill all of human kind. He outlined the fish rebellion that started out as a semi-funny story that I presented in gest and has now turned into something that is so much larger than anyone could ever anticipate...or prepare for.

In my final audience with Pooga, in the middle of December, he outlined in detail how the fish would destroy human kind in 2007 and bring about the "end of days". He warned me against posting his words and plans on my "silly little human blog" but I feel like withholding information of this magnitude would be monumentally irresponsbile. So here is an excerpt from my last conversation, with some background notes thrown in.

Q: So Pooga, you've called me back to the water. What is it this time?
A: I want to tell you something Derek. I want to tell you that you don't have much time. You should probably go out and buy some stuff and laugh and fuck some supermodels. I like you Derek, I always have. And while I won't hesitate to kill you along with the rest I want you to enjoy these last few months to their fullest. And my name is not Pooga, it's Willy.

Q: I've been making trips to see you for the past few months and it's always been this doom and gloom line of shit. What are you planning?
*Let it be noted that after I asked this Pooga's eyes appeared to flash red. It's an image that shook me to my very core.
A: In the coming months there will be a number of strange things that will happen. Some will be a part of the plan and some will be acts of diversion. All are calculated measures in the rebellion.

Q: Give me examples.
A: Birds will start dying, just falling out of the sky. Strange smells will start showing up in major cities and no one will be able to explain them. Food will start turning on people by making them sick and ultimately killing them. Fish will continue to attack people. Entire bodies of water will turn to poison. The climate of the Earth will shift and a change in power will finally occur. 2007 will bring about the end of days.

*In recent weeks there have been two cases of mysterious dead birds. First in Austin, Texas a large group of dead birds were discovered. The cause of their death is still undetermined. Then a few days later thousands of birds started falling from the sky in an Australian town. The cause of their death is also unknown. Also, the highly publicized case of the stink in New York City also slots into Pooga's statements.

Pooga and I spoke a while longer on other issues. From the context clues of some of the other things he said I have deduced the fish rebellion plan.

First they are getting together, and in strategically selected areas of the water, organizing ritual fish suicides. The power of thousands of dead fish in one area of the water apparently has the ability to do several different things, depending on the amount and species of the dead fish involved. Certain combinations of dead fish can actually send a geyser of posion gas to the surface area that is strong enough to kill smaller creatures (like birds) but only present itself as a disgusting nuisance to humans (NYC). These posion gas geysers mix into the atmosphere at a certain altitude and stay there. The lasting power of this poison fish gas means that after enough fish suicides there will be enough dead fish toxin in the atmosphere to down all of the birds in the world. From here the inability of any of the world's governments to properly dispose of the bird carcasses will lead to outbreaks of the avian flu. The avian flu will spread through the world fast and kill most everyone in a pandemic fashion. Those that survive will die a slower death due to the fact that so many of the birds that are falling to their deaths are falling into bodies of water, and then contaminating this water. After a time all the Earths water will be contaminated with bird flu and fish toxin and the people that are left will have to survive without any water, which is impossible. The only source of new water, the rain, will also be affected by all of the animal toxins in the atmosphere and the rain will not be suitable to drink after a small amount of time. Resiliant humans may be able to live for a while but the vast majority of the human race will be dead.

2007 will bring about the end of days.

Unless...

CALL TO ACTION!

Unless we go out now and start catching fish. All of the fish. We need to stop doing whatever it is we are doing. Stop working a normal job or managing a family and get to the world saving work of fishing. If we can catch all, or at least most, of the fish in the worlds bodies of water in the next few months and dispose of them properly we may be able to stop this fish rebellion once and for all. It is in our hands.

Pooga may send a fish assassin to kill me for writing this but I felt my duty to the human race was stronger than my safety.

It is in our hands.
-Derek

Weird.

As some of you may or may not know, I live relatively close to (two blocks from) Abbey Road Studios in Northwest London. You know the place.

It's commonly known as a pilgrimmage site for Beatles fanatics throughout the world. Countless fans write endearing graffiti on the white wall directly in front of the studio (seen in the above picture on the left, behind the VW). Imagine my surprise when, walking to work one morning this week, I glanced upon the following inscription:

Amazing. Nevermind the fact that it's actually true (how did he/she know?!). There are two possible explanations.

1) Our organization has grown at an alarming pace, unforseen even by us. We can also surmise that this includes an astonishing international contingent. Wilbur Burris, it seems, was adept at spreading his seed.

2) This is all an elaborate hoax, masterminded by none other than Big Pooga himself. I will leave it to Derek (JUhS), fish killer and self-proclaimed Big Pooga nemesis, to confirm or disconfirm this suspicion. We do know he's recently been operating in the London area...

A startling discovery indeed. Further exploration will be needed to more fully flesh out this story. I'll keep my eyes and ears open.

Take care,
Andrew (JUhS)

Thanks, Nic!

Here's the thing. I love Nicolas Cage. He's a fantastic actor. Adaptation, Leaving Las Vegas, Raisiing Arizona, Lord of War, The Weather Man, most of Face/Off, even The Rock all showcase his talents as a quirky likeable leading man.

On the flip side then, there's Con Air, Gone in Sixty Seconds, Windtalkers, and the rest of Face/Off putting credence to the theory he's an overacting fuckbeetle. Feburary's craptacular Ghost Rider won't be helping my argument any.

Last year, Mr. Cage stared in a remake of THE WICKER MAN. Apparantly, it's bad. I had no idea how bad until this montage of clips found it's way on the internet. Thank you, Random Editor, for this here goldmine. And thank you, Devin Fareci over at Chud.com for showing this to the world.

Enjoy.

Not the bees,
Mike

2006.

Here it is my brothers and sisters. The obligatory year end "Derek ranks shit based only on his opinions and previously existing biases, he is by no means an expert who saw every movie or heard every song from every album this year but he thinks he's just important enough to warrant him writing all of his opinions on a year in major media down in the blog he contributes to on a not-so-regular basis" list. I'm gonna throw in some pictures to keep it interesting. Let me know your thoughts on my thoughts.

MUZICKS OF 2006!
-The top 10 albums released in 2006-

10. Everything All The Time
Band of Horses

09. God And The Devil Are Raging Inside Me
Brand New

08. Show Your Bones
Yeah Yeah Yeahs

07. Let's Get Out Of This Country
Camera Obscura

06. Mr. Beast
Mogwai

05. Begin To Hope
Regina Spektor

04. Young Machetes
Blood Brothers

03. Paper Television
The Blow

02. The Greatest
Cat Power

01. Bring It Back
Mates Of State

MOVEESZ OF 2006!
-The top 10 films released in 2006-

10. Thank You For Smoking
09. The Fountain
08. The Prestige
07. Borat
06. Nacho Libre
05. The Science of Sleep
04. The Descent
03. V for Vendetta
02. Children of Men
01. The Departed

PURE SHIT OF 2006!
-The worst stuff that came out in 2006-

WORST ALBUM
9 Crimes by Damien Rice

WORST MOVIE
X-Men 3: The Last Bland

BAND THAT HAS TAKEN OVER FOR CREED AS THE WORST BAND IN A CREEDLESS WORLD
30 Seconds to Mars

All in all I liked 2006 a lot. Good and merry tidings to you all.
-Derek

"The dolphins in my bloodstream..."