Michael Thomas Celebrates His Birthday: Video Countdown

I turn 24 on Saturday. Strange age to be. I feel like Charles Bukowski after getting tossed out of a bar on his way to get manhandled and assaulted by his vicious landlord. Awesome.

To celebrate my next step into manhood, I've decided to celebrate by counting down my five favorite music videos. Which makes these five videos pretty much the best ever.

#5: "Idioteque" and "Karma Police" by RADIOHEAD

After much deliberation (a couple seconds) and help from JUHS-supporter and boss roommate Danny Jordan, I've decided video #5 is a tie. While substance whys, "Karma Police" is a great video with a good song, "Idioteque" is great video with a better song. Since the Studio City chapter of The Johnny Utah Symposium has deemed Radiohead to be the best band of our generation, a tie is not only excused, it is fitting.

Enjoy.

KARMA POLICE



IDIOTEQUE

Existentialism

Ninja fuckin' reflexes, indeed:



I'm going to get shat on for this.

-Michael Thomas

!QUIK HITZ! (Post #100)

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

First of all, go here and watch this little movie. Then sit back and ask yourself if it's possible to "time track travel speed" like in that movie Back to the Future. I usually try to avoid anything having to do with Britney Spears but this was just too ridiculous for me to pass up. Enjoy.

2. TWO. DOS.

I want to present this movie (which was brought to my attention by the venerable Nels St. Claire). I couldn't find a good, unedited copy of it on Youtube so I want to thank Paul Huebl and his bad ass blog. Sweet headshot Paul.

The dude in this movie (I want to call him Reggie D.) makes me very happy. Reggie D. and Britney should hook up and manage a street corner in the darkest corner of Eastern Europe with equal parts violent menace and time traveling prowess.

3. THREE. TRES.

We are still in the midst of the first annual National Dig in the Dirt Week and, as you all have seen, the members of the Johnny have been discovering some interesting things. I uncovered Rasputin's bones (which sing to me at night...it's fucked up), Michael uncovered Mel Gibson and Andrew found two of the stars from the Karate Kid. Wait a second here...Mel Gibson was buried in a field in L.A.? Hey, if it's on the Johnny, it must be true...or something.

The point is, keep on digging and maybe you can uncover something equally epic.



This is the 100th post on the Johnny Utah Symposium. It's very exciting. Thank you to the readers for reading this drivel day after day. I hope the next 100 posts are even awesomer.

Uh huh.
-Derek

Let's watch movies: The Island

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch The Island. This movie came out last year and it stars Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou and Seen Been. This movie is not based on the crappy Peter Benchley book of the same name. That book was about pirates. This movie is about clones. This movie also has nothing to do with herpes.

Ewan and Scarlett play a pair of clones who do not know they are clones. Seen Been, in classic scientist-dude-playing-God-with-a-smarmy-British-accent mode, is the propreitor of a giant underground utopian world where rich people in the real world have paid money to house their clones until they are needed for organ transplants and kinky sex play (mmmm). The clones are living blissfully until Ewan's clone starts to get curious about stuff. Why can't he eat bacon? Why do these overly aggressive dudes in black jumpsuits give him shit everytime he gets too close to Scarlett? What's up with this island thing?

Oh, the island is the place they tell the clones they are going to when their real world counterpart needs to harvest organs from them. Hmmm. This is confusing. The clones in Seen Been's utopian society are told this string of lies about how the outside world is contaminated. The last remaining noncontaminated spot on the globe is the island. Seen Been has a rigged lottery whenever he needs some organs and the winner of the lottery gets offed (but they think, up until they're on the operating table, that they are going to the island). You know what I mean?

This is awful.

Did i mention that it's set in the future.

Eventually Ewan busts out of the underground utopia and takes Scarlett with him. From there they get to Los Angeles (but it's future L.A. so there's like tons of trains and some vehicles can hover now). In future L.A. the movie provides the viewers with its best nine or ten minutes. There's a pretty sweet car chase thing with a bunch of stuff falling off of an eighteen-wheeler (except, because it is the future, it's got like twenty plus wheels) and that stuff hitting cars and trucks and killing lots of people.

The entire time Scarlett is grunting and screaming in the most unsexy baritone rasp imaginable. She yells words like "Run!" and "Lincoln!" (that's Ewan's name and her fav president) with the tone you'd expect from a professional wrestler. Unsexy.

Oh, and Djimon Hounsou is in there too and for some reason he is ridiculously shiny in every scene. Is he sweaty like all of the time or is his skin just crazy shiny? Who knows. Good work with the silent "D" though.

Right now I would like to say how I got off track in this review, but, to be off track you have to be on track in the first place...which I was not. So...let's do some pros and cons.

+PROS+
+That car chase was pretty fun.
+Despite knowing that this movie kinda sucks, I didn't really mind watching it. I think that's a Pro.

-CONS-
-Most of this movie is pretty crappy.
-This movie somehow manages to waste the talents of both Michael Clarke Duncan and Steve Buscemi. Well, the talents of Buscemi anyway.
-The bass utterances of Scarlett. Unsexy.
-The ending sucks.

This is an awful review.

I give this film a 4.65537 out of 10
-Derek

The Tragedy of Michael Thomas

by Danny Jordan, as told to Tits Drexler and Salazar Scuttle

There once was a boy named Michael Thomas. He was a boy with dreams, passions, and a desire to make it in the business. The film business. One day, Michael decided to pack his bags, leave his home, and head out to the great city of Los Angeles to make a name for himself and cure his depression.

Well, Michael moved to Los Angeles and found himself a small apartment in North Hollywood. There he set up his base, and was ready to set out into the city to make his dreams come true.

He started giving blow jobs on street corners, as practice for his big break. Michael Thomas got very good at giving blow jobs, but after a few months he started to feel like a failure. He was considering quitting this crazy life and moving back to his home... in Wisconsin.

One night, Michael Thomas was drowining his sorrows in a bar, when Bryan Singer walked in, and sat down next to him. Michael Thomas got excited because he knew how the prolific director felt about young boys, and even though Michael was a little too old for Bryan's taste, Michael was sure he could satisfy.

So Michael Thomas and Bryan Singer began talking, and Mr. Singer decided that he liked Michael. So much so, that he invited him back to his home in Beverly Hills.

Back at Bryan's home, Michael was getting nervous. This was his big break, and he knew how disapointed everyone in Wisconsin would be if Michael came back a failure. Before he could dwell any longer on his doubts, the front door opened. In walk Paul Thomas Anderson (PTA to his friends.) Michael could not ask for a better audition, so he went straight to work.

All Michael's practice seemed to pay off, because Bryan Singer and PTA were very satisfied with Michael's work. Michael, full of pride and ego, asked the two master's about job opportunities.

Instead of offering work, Bryan Singer and Paul Thomas Anderson stabbed Michael. Then they through his body into the Beverly Hills Ocean.

And there he floats to this day. Dead, bloated, and dejected.

The End

Hong Kong Dig Day

JUhSers,

Uhhh ... I think I screwed up. I may have dug a bit too far. I found these two:


Is this OK?

Feeling a Little Awkward,
Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006!"

p.s. - There's also an employee here named Queenie Tran ... you can't make this stuff up ...

KEEP ON DIGGING!

Hey there,

I hope all of you novice archaeologists out there had a prolific day of digging up awesome stuff yesterday. I know I did! I found this:


I know! Holy shit!

I've been running some sweet tests on these bones in the Johnny Lab and all signs point to these bones being the bones of Rasputin and some other dude. This is a big find. Rasputin's bones are supposed to have a crazy hex on them (according to a periodical of note) so I currently have them locked up in my downstairs bathroom. Oh, and don't worry, I totally washed my hands after handling the bones.

All of this excitement has inspired me to turn National Dig in the Dirt Day into National Dig in the Dirt WEEK! So just keep on digging and trust me, you will find something awesome. If you dig deep enough you may just find lava.

OH YEAH!
-Derek

NATIONAL DIG IN THE DIRT DAY '06

Hello everyone!

This Tuesday, August 1, is the first annual "National Dig in the Dirt Day". This event is being sponsored by the Johnny Utah Symposium and it is going to be a prolific day of glorious archaeological discovery. I know this seems totally random (and a little weird) but the events of this previous week have paved the path towards this new holiday. Let me explain:

On July 25th, some dudes in Dublin were digging in a bog (hell yes a bog) when they saw something in the bog muck. They turned off their backhoes and went in closer to examine the object. It was an ancient book of psalms dating back to the year 800. It was open to Psalm 83, in which God hears complaints of other nations' attempts to wipe out the name of Israel. Uhhhhhh. Dublin? What? Read the full story here and view some really awful pictures of the document covered in bog muck.

On July 26th, some other dudes in Virginia were checking out an old well (and I know that's not really digging in the dirt, but it's close) when they found some sweet relics from early America. They found an old pistol, a leather shoe and a sweet plaque that simply reads "James Towne". The relics are estimated to be roughly 400 years old. You can read this full story here and see a sweet pic of some bearded dude holding the muddy found gun.

These two incidents have made it perfectly clear to me that we, as human beings, don't spend enough time digging in the dirt for awesome stuff. Dinosaur bones, human skeletons, alien technology, different larvae, toxic waste, amulets, stuff from the titanic, relics from past times, Atlantis. These are just examples of some of the sweet stuff you could find if you simply walk into your backyard, harness the raw power of a shovel, and dig. I'd say a minimum of four feet down would be a good start but the deeper the better.

I want our millions (cough) of readers out there to join in on the fun and take part in this brand new holiday. Tell your friends and polish your shovels. DIG DIG DIG!

Full update on Wednesday where we catalog all the awesome stuff we find. Below is a sweet poster. Feel free to print some off and post them at your local mercantile.


I'm totally serious...about all of this.
-Derek

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Working the Night Shit"

Hello globe!
Am I asleep?
Is this dream?
Is this real?

Hello globe!
This is shit!
What is this?
Is this shit?

I hath shat my pant.

-Bad Poetry Guy

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Readers,

It is time once again for the occasional Johnny Utah feature, "Stupid Person Time".

Today we are going down to the Bermuda area for the tale of a fisherman who got his damn self stabbed while fishing for marlin. Marlin, more specifically blue marlin, can grow to be really huge (like 800lb.) and they have a natural sword shaped protuberance coming out of their foreheads. They are the narwhal of the fish world.

Ian Card, a 32 year old fisherman, was fishing with his father when all of a sudden the fish he had on his hook did its natural fishy thing and jumped out of the water (huh?). It jumped face first right into Ian's chest and stabbed the shit out of him. The force knocked him right out of the boat and into the water.

From here Mr. Card managed to "free himself" from the marlin's tusk/horn/sword/thing and...wait a second here. How do you free yourself? This dude got presumably run through by this fish's nose sword and then he somehow managed to pull the thing out? Did he leverage himself against the side of the boat and push as he watched gallons of his blood paint the water around him. I know this is supposed to be "Stupid Person Time" but this Ian Card dude is kind of a bad ass. If I got run through by a marlin tusk I'd flip out and probably just die. The marlin would carry me under the water and introduce me to the mayor of marlin town. They would show me all the coral-crafted landmarks of their marlin made metropolis. It would be magnificent...wait, what was I talking about?

Ok, back on track here. Ian Card managed to get loose and was treated at a local hospital after a 40 minute boat ride back to shore. He is alive but "very lucky" according to a doctor who treated him.

Ian, you are the subject of "Stupid Person Time" because:
1. You got stabbed by a fish...and that's awesome. Wait, no, that's stupid.
2. You got away from your marlin assailant and in doing so flushed your ticket to marlin town down the toilet.

In honor of you, Ian, I created a cautionary poster for future fisherdudes to learn from. I used fellow Johnny founding dad dude, Andrew, as the subject of this poster because if there is one guy I know who could get stabbed by a fish it's him.


I think this post might suck.
-Derek

Oh yes.

This is the most important and awesome video of all timez! AHHH! YEAH!



Uhhhhhhhh.
-Derek

DEREK 360: Ernie Reyes Jr.

Everything in this article is true.

Ernie Reyes Jr. is an actor. You may remember him as Keno in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II or as Johnny in Surf Ninjas. He is one of these karate dudes who burst onto the scene in the early 1990's, a time when awesomely awful karate based movies (like TMNT2 and Surf Ninjas) were sort of popular. Unfortunately for Mr. Reyes Jr. the age of the shitty karate based movie did not last. Mr. Reyes Jr. suffered from a serious lack of work for many years and it is in the midst of this career "dryspell" that our story takes off.


Fellow Johnny Founding Dad Dude Mike and myself were in our first year at University and we were bored. Mike stumbled upon this, which looked way worse five years ago. He instantly remembered (fondly) that reign of Reyes and the many parts that had made him into a legend in like half of 1991. We sat there for several hours just "shooting the shit" about how awesome Ernie was and how that dude "needs to get back into more movies". We were being sarcastic but sometimes sarcastic gets things done.

At the bottom of the website (at the time) there was a crude email link inviting us to "get in touch with Ernie". We contemplated what to say in our first correspondence with the man who was Luke Chen in a 1988 episode of MacGyver entitled Murderers' Sky (that's not a typo on the apostrophe...don't ask me). Mike and I decided that the best way to get Ern's attention would be to pitch him a sweet (and entirely fake) movie project.

From here on out large chunks of this epic story will be told through the actual emails that were exchanged between us and Ernie Reyes Jr.'s business manager. Our first email said the following:

Dear Mr. Reyes,

I am a film maker who has been a fan of yours since March 20, 1991 when I saw your work in the blockbuster Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze. Since then I have followed your career closely and you have not dissapointed. I especially enjoyed your role in Surf Ninjas in 1993 alongside your father. I anticipated a sequel but, unfortunately, was left with nothing. Since then I have continued to follow your work closely both on and off the screen. Your extensive martial arts skills still impress my associates and I. I was pleased to see your face once again on the big screen this summer as Zing in Rush Hour 2.

Well, I guess I should cut to the chase. I am developing a film entitled the Six Shooter for the screen. It is a kung fu western filmed with a tarantino-esque Sergio Leone hybrid style. The true feel of it is hard to explain right here but a good example is the film A Knights Tale. It's a raw western filled with anachronism, pathos, and enough martial arts to appease any enthusiast. I believe that you would be truly perfect for one of the roles in my new film. I hope that you can respond to me or at least tell me a better way to reach you. I thank you for your time and best of luck in the future.

Sincerely,
Derek


From here Mike and I sat back and waited. We really didn't expect to hear anything back, but, only a few hours later we did. His business manager, Sue, (who I still think was just Ernie using a different name...I mean come on. Ernie Reyes Jr. has a fucking business manager? Yeah, sure) responded with this:

Dear Derek,

Thank you for your nice note to Ernie. I am his business manager, and if you would like Ernie to read your script, please send to:

Ernie Reyes Jr.
CALIFORNIA ADDRESS

How far along are you on your project, or have you just started? If Ernie is interested in the project, we would help you get it produced.

Thanks for writing. I look forward to reading your script.

Best regards,
Sue

Help us "get it produced"? WHAT? They wanted the script to our totally fake anachronistic kung fu western called The Six Shooter but we didn't have a script to give them. At this junction we did what any pair of dudes in our situation would do. We bullshitted them into believing that we had the script done but not polished enough to where we were comfortable sending it. We said things like:

"We have always seen Mr. Reyes as the title character and we want his opinions on how to make that title character more suitable for him."

And,

"It starts in a hyper western atmosphere but as the film progresses elements of future and past cultures will blend together into what we think is one hell of an electrifying film. It's shaping up to be kind of a Matrix meets The Wild Bunch kind of feature."


We also included, with this email, the first couple scenes for Ernie to review and give us his thoughts. It was in these scenes that Mike and I's bullshitting went over the edge of reason. The four pages of non-formatted cinema magic were too much awesome for Ernie, or anyone, to handle. In the pages Ernie kicked a bullet back at a dude after said dude (who had a glass eye) tried to shoot him. It was some seriously intense shit. If you're totally insane and would like a copy of those first scenes from The Six Shooter just leave an email address in the comments section and it will arrive in your inbox at some point. After you have it feel free to read it and just cry. Cry because you know that you just read the first few scenes from what would have probably been the best movie ever made but unfortunately some actors just couldn't help us realize the dream. I'm getting a little ahead of myself...

After we sent the scenes, Ernie and Sue dodged us for quite some time. We had obviously blown their fucking minds and words just did not exist that could fully articulate just how rocked they had been by the excerpt they had read. Eventually we had to send a follow up email asking "whats up Ernie?". We threw out this threat in the follow up email which may have rubbed Big Ern the wrong way:

"We can easily line up another martial arts enthusiast to look over the role, it's just that we truly wrote it for Mr. Reyes."

At this, Ernie's camp finally responded with a firm "no". They told us some lie about how Ernie was busy with another project.

Why did I just recount all of this into a massive blog entry here on The Johnny Utah Symposium? We didn't make the movie. We didn't even meet Mr. Reyes Jr. This is fundamentally a bad story. It has a promising beginning, a decent yet slowly decaying middle and a complete let down of an ending where the two protagonists (Mike and I) just fail. Why am I putting this on the Johnny? WHY?

Because it is awesome.

Sorry about the length though. Do better next time.
-Derek

P.S. As for Ernie now, he is hosting a show on MTV called Final Fu. It's like a Kung Fu based gameshow...I think. I only managed to sit through about a half minute of it. It was bad.

Idle

This dude is awesome. Obviously. The millions of people who voted for him can't be wrong.

"I do it my way, cause that's what I say"

Huh? Ford Trux? What?

-Derek

DEREK 360: Current Events and the Recipe for Peace.

The Johnny Utah Symposium loves current events. We thrive on them. Sometimes though, the powerful negativity of a week's events can make the men of the Johnny sad. This past week was one of these weeks. Here's the rundown on a shitty week:

1. Red Buttons died.
2. There was a major terrorist attack in India.
3. A building exploded and collapsed in New York City.
4. Syd Barrett died.
5. Oil prices soared.
6. The ozone layer continued to melt.
7. Mr. T gave up his gold chains.
8. The stock market had a really hard week.
9. A man in his 80's was arrested for selling crack to a woman in exchange for prostititution (no joke).

Oh, and

10. Israel and the Lebanese group known as Hezbollah went to war with each other.

I put that last one last because it is, in my opinion, the gravest current event in a week of grave current events (though that India thing was seriously hardcore). The past two days have been punctuated hourly by new proclamations of war between the two sides. Buildings being destroyed and people being slaughtered.

I also put that one last on my list of doom because it is the easiest to fix of the ten. For reals.

All we have to do is use the power of American cinema. Little Man came out today and I can tell you, even without seeing it, that it's gonna be one of the seven most awesomely hilarious movies of all time. So funny, in fact, that all we need to do to cease this new conflict in the middle east is load up some planes (and this is all demonstrated in the crude representation below) with televisions or monitors showing Little Man, fly these planes over the areas in turmoil and drop the monitors down into the heart of the conflict. The people fighting will take a second to look over at one of the televisions and break out laughing at the sight of a baby with Marlon Wayans' face (I'm laughing right now just thinking about it). This laughter will encourage others from both sides to look at the televisions until finally all the dudes who were once fighting are now watching a movie, high fiving a lot, and making sweet treaties.


Hezbollah loves Marlon Wayans.
-Derek

DEREK 360: "Send me some of that stink"

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It has been done. It has FINALLY been done.


The Japanese have applied their brilliant scientific minds to the creation of a machine that actually "records" smells and then reproduces them. The machine records the odors and turns them into digital models. These models are then read by a seperate machine that uses combinations of 96 chemicals to reproduce the smells in a vapor form.

The scientist in charge, Takamichi Nakamoto, says that the machine is limited right now by it's large size but in the future the technology could be applied to such practical applications as sending a smell from one cell phone to another.

Holy Crap. Send some flower smells to your special lady. Send the rich stink of a nursing home on fire to your biggest enemy. Send the smell of blood to all the vampires hunting you. Send the smell of cut grass to your landscaper friends. Send the rank, disgusting odor of sewage to everybody. Send stinks from coast to coast at the push of a button.

This is exciting.

Here's the story.
-Derek

!QUIK HITZ!

Let's learn stuff!

Let's do it QUIK!

1. ONE. UNO.

Jackie Chan's reign as the most lovable, Asian, "I do all my own stunts", action star is over. The dude supposedly climbed on stage during a concert by Taiwanese singer-songwriter Jonathan Lee, claimed he was drunk, demanded a duet with Lee and tried to conduct the band. He then grabbed the microphone from Lee and lectured the already horrified audience on the many differences between his films, The Tuxedo and The Medallion. After that he held an impromptu contest to determine who his biggest fan was. The winner was brought on stage where they were guilted into stripping off all of their clothes and peeing on Jackie (at his request). Then Jackie, covered in the urine of his #1 fan, danced what he called "A Jig for Mystery" until he purposefully fell down. While on the ground he broke his own thumb on his left hand and vomited three times. The third time he beckoned for the now utterly disgusted Jonathan Lee to come on over and "mop up my droppings".

It was a rough scene.

For the real (and slightly more accurate story) you can go here.

2. TWO. DOS.

A loyal Johnny reader brought this to my attention. Mr. Bateman's sweater is amazing.

3. THREE. TRES.

Cici's Pizza Buffet may very well be "the best pizza value anywere" but it is also a true melting pot of personalities, nationalities and species.

The other day the members of the band I play music with (hsatrtg) and myself decided to conclude a hard day of practice by hitting up our local Cici's. We went in and sat down in the rear of the restaurant. We were immediately targeted by the hillbilly circus act sitting a table away from us. The pathetic monosyllabic utterances began to fly. The five people sitting diagonally from me were a realization of a white trash vision you can only imagine in the darkest and most fucking pathetic recesses of your mind. There was the the one dude who was massive. His face looking very much like what the face of an ogre or troll would look like if such things were real. If he would have been holding a massive stone club the image would have been complete. When he spoke it was an indecipherable grunt. He was flanked by three smaller dudes who did most of the talking. All of them had the look of the perfect white trash American down to a science. One was wearing a size-too-small wife beater. His "awesome" tattoos visible on his arms. The other two in oversized white T-shirts that were yellowed from the wear and tear of the daily life of a rodeo bad ass (or whatever these sad souls were). They had the token disgusting chick with them. I think she was the wife of the wife beater guy (who positioned himself to be the leader). She also had a wife beater on (they come in two packs so what the hell) and her striped bra or bathing suit top was clearly visible underneath in all of its completely unsexy glory. There was also a little girl running around, presumably the spawn of La Famile de Wife Beater.

I sat down first and began to enjoy my average-yet-cheap pizza feast when I heard them throwing words at me. I was wearing a shirt from the D.A.R.E. anti-drug program for children. They were able to read the big red word on my chest and went with their first instinct which was to just yell it out. Perhaps there first grade educations or collective double digit IQ was telling them to sound out their words and this was the reasoning behind yelling out "DARE" over and over in my direction. Another theory that just occurred to me is that maybe they knew my name somehow and were just trying to get my attention. The length of a word like "Derek" may have seemed daunting to them so early in a conversation with someone who wasn't quite on their level of grunts and hand gestures.

Whatever it was they called it out several times before I finally raised my eyes to meet them. I agreed with their exclamations with a simple, "Yes. Dare." From here my bandmate and friend Justin sat down. Justin has curly hair and it resembles an afro...I guess. I think this is what our new friends were thinking because they began to yell out "Afro" and "Hey" at Justin. He turned around quickly to greet them. It was then that they got ambitious and told Justin how funny it was that I was wearing a shirt advertising an anti-drug program while he had an afro (which is, of course, "druggie" hair). They said something about how "e'ery buddy 'n da 50's had one of dem hercuts". This statement caught me off guard simply due to the fact that these things sitting before me knew that we existed in spans of time and these spans, these decades, had names like the 50's and the 60's. Justin wasn't as impressed by the little things. He corrected wife beater man and told him that the "1960's was the decade that brought about the true rise of the afro". Wife beater man responded to this with something that I could only describe as a howl/snort/laugh/hiccup.

From here the other two members of the band arrived at our quaint little table and got the same treatment. We sat there exchanging smiles with our new friends for a while before my friend Joe got up to get more pizza (it is, after all, a buffet). On his way to the pizza line he proclaimed to the rest of us that "there are a lot of people here". There were. It was a completely accurate statement. Ogre dude, for some reason, thought that Joe's statement had in some way been a form of "shit-talking" and became slightly agitated. He addressed the remaining three at our table with a relentless series of the same query.

"Wad he talkin' shit?"

"I thing he wad talkin' some shit."

"He wad talkin' shit."

We told him that he was a fucking idiot and that Joe had simply been saying what we all knew, that there were too many people in this Cici's on this given day. I looked the ogre-man-beast in the eyes and calmy told him that, "we would never talk about you guys". This was admittedly a lie for we had been talking about the filthy specimens before us throughout the meal in our best six-inch voices. Joe came back and dealt with the same questions and accusations of "shit-talking". He, being a man of peace, told them what he really said and the howl/snort/laugh/hiccup's once again resounded.

The motley group of intellectual champions then got up. They had obviously had their fill of pizza and were ready to go do whatever it is people such as them do with the rest of their day. Maybe they went to the library. On their way out they made more exclamations about the D.A.R.E. shirt and hair styles. Their line of insults never evolved but I guess I shouldn't expect so much. They walked outside and ambled past the window we were sitting by. They, in such an utterly predictable fashion, beat on the window and gave us the one finger salute. I raised my glass to them and pleaded for them to return. They had other stuff to do unfortunately. They piled into their mini-van and drove away.

I know this is QUIK HITZ, and there was nothing quik about that blow-by-blow run down of what happened in the Cici's on that fateful afternoon. I, however, feel it is my right as an educated American to describe the encounter with as many flowery and superfluous adjectives as possible. It is my right to verbally disparage these unfortunate bastards after the fact, and rip them new assholes not with my fists, but with my words. They could do the very same thing if they knew how to spell, write, type, or behave.

If I come off as snobby and/or pompous then I view that as mission accomplished. Anything to distance myself from the testicle sweat of America that was this fivesome.

We just wanted to eat some pizza.

4. FOUR. QUATRO.

Because I have to put something really QUIK after that thing. Go here to listen to the new Sufjan and the new Thom Yorke. Go.

That's enough ranty.

-Derek

Let's watch movies: Alien Hunter

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Alien Hunter. Alien Hunter stars the incomparable James Spader as the title role and one-time-fastest-man-on-Earth, Carl Lewis (I shit you not).

Let's clear something up first here. Alien Hunter is not The Thing. Yes, they both take place at a remote research facility in Antartica. Yes, they both center around the existence of extra-terrestrial life forms on said research facility. Yes, they are both taut thrillers made with a keen eye for detail and scene construction. Ok, I lied about that last one. Alien Hunter does not have Kurt Russell with a beard but it does has James Spader. In this movie he aimlessly spouts off lame strings of dialogue about how "math is the universal language" and "Aliens are real". He hijacks elements of Jeff Goldblum's characters in both Jurassic Park and ID4 and makes you believe every poorly orchestrated scene.

The story of Alien Hunter is pretty straight forward. An alien disturbance is believed to be discovered at a remote Antarctic-an research facility that is dedicated to growing corn (for some reason...I wasn't listening). The scientists call on James Spader (because he is a FUCKING ALIEN HUNTER...YEAHHHHHH!!) to consult on the alien that they have in their midst. The alien spends most of the movie in a cocoon thing "thawing" out so there really isn't any "hunting" involved. The title of the movie is hugely misleading. Eventually the alien cocoon thing hatches and the alien escapes and people start dying. People's faces melt off in an unimpressive "we stole this effect from Raiders of the Lost Ark and somehow fucked it up" way. Eventually things escalate to a point where some politician dudes (who are sweating a lot because of the gravity of the decisions they are being forced to make) have to send a submarine to blow up the research facility. Spader, some chick scientist and the Wilford Brimley equivalent wind up walking into some alien light and get sucked up into their space ship. The ending is wide the fuck open. Sequel anyone?

This movie was pure turd. Spader tried to carry it on his back and make it awesome but not even Spader is capable of such a feet. Perhaps if he would have played the same part he played in Pretty in Pink. Who knows.

+PROS+
+Carl Lewis is in this movie.
+Spader.
+Carl Lewis.

-CONS-
-Carl Lewis dies in this movie.
-Carl Lewis doesn't do any running in this movie.
-There are no shots of Carl Lewis outrunning alien energy waves or fire.
-When the research facility that was used to grow corn is blown up by the dudes on the submarine not one of them makes a popcorn joke. Hardcore missed opportunity.
-The fact that the alien "costume" was obviously an old (and used) prop from ID4.

I give this film a 3.15564 out of 10
-Derek

DEREK 360: Reality Television

Hello world,

This is an editorial that has been written before. It has been written dozens of times by dozens of different people. It has, I dare say, been written in dozens of languages. It may have even been written in braille. Point is, it's a tired subject.

I, however, do not care.

I was minding my own business sitting on the reality television fence when a TV program came out that pushed me firmly into the "reality TV is fucking terrible" side. Rockstar: Supernova is a new reality show where a handful of "rocker" hopefuls gather and sing excerpts from awesome Top 40 rocks songs of the past 25 years. These sad sack loser contestant people typically compensate for a lack of talent or presentation by caking on eyeliner (in the case of the dudes) or having their massive jugs (in the case of the chicks) on display at all times. All the while Tommy Lee, Jason Newsted, and some dude from Guns 'N Roses sit back scratching their chins wondering if the person before them is the right fit to round out their newly formed "supergroup", SUPERNOVA.

I caught a solid 4 minutes of this show and became so unbelievably irritated that I marched over to my computer and began to type feverishly. I saw the tail end of a dude singing something (not sure what). The dude was obviously a "rocker" because his eyes were heavily lined and his hair was spikey. He also had the whole "rocker" fashion thing down. I began to pay attention when former Janes Addicition/Red Hot Chili Peppers guitar virtuoso and current husband to Carmen Electra, Dave Navarro (who is like a host or something) began to gush about how "totally awesome" the dude was. "The fact that I never knew you existed is why this show is so special," was the exact phrase that trickled out of Mr. Navarro's mouth hole.

From there they showed a quick run down of all gazillion (I think there were like 20) contestants and the song they chose to sing. I heard snippets of songs I recognized from such bands as The Police, Coldplay, Train, and Melissa Etheridge. Rock 'N Roll!!! The dude who was singing Roxanne was so far off (even in the four second snippet) that he immediately became my favorite. It was as though he had never heard the original. My dad, who had seen the performance in its entirety, told me that one of the dudes from SUPERNOVA (who are also judges or something) told him to his face that "he sucked".

If a dude can't fuck up The Police and be praised as a brash and brazen rocker then I don't know what you have to do. I guess the dude song-styling the shit out of Coldplay's Yellow is more what Tommy Lee is looking for.

I am not a person who goes crazy for American Idol but I do appreciate it for what it is. It's a massive talent competition where people bring in their different influences and try to pass those off as "idol worthy" or whatever. My problem with this Rock Star show is that it's all these contestants coming together to fit themselves into this gross little CBS regulated Rock 'N Roll stereotype.

I don't know everything about everything but I do know that not all "rock stars" are like Tommy Lee. I also know that this is a good thing.

Reality TV can be completely awesome (Cheaters, Man Vs. Beast, True Life) or it can be pure shit (Lots of shows). There is absolutely nothing I can do about any of this.

So I complain. Right here.

-Derek

HAPPY 4TH FROM THE JOHNNY!!!

Hello world!

We at the Johnny Utah Symposium wanted to wish you all a happy and safe 4th of July and thank you for being such beautiful people! (And to make up for Andy's last animus filled post).

Here's some fireworks!




So Happy...
-Birthday of America.
-"Fuck England" Day
-National Kick Terrorist Ass Day
-Redcoat Burn Party Day
-Firework Irresponsibility Day
-Burn Ban Ignorance Day
-Quatro de Julio
-Ka-Boom Boom Day
-Eat Red Meat Day '06
-Swim in a pool of English blood day.
-Hardcore America Jamboree!!!

Explosions of Love!

The Dads of Johnny Utah.

Aw no.

I like to think I have some school pride. I cheer for my alma-maters and I cheer against my rivals. That being said, I don't go out of my way to make fun and overly hate my rivals...except for Texas. Even then, however, my disdain is very tame compared to most OU alumni. The same can be said for other Big XII schools. However, after coming across this lame piece of ass-shit, I just can't help but say: "Stupid Faggies".




This is definitely one of the most awful things I have ever seen. It's not even funny awful. It's really pathetic and pitiful. This is how I envision the population of College Station.

Looks like the bonfire missed a couple.

I may be overyhyping my hate for it and this may have been a worthless post.

Love and junk -

Andy (JUhS)

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "The Cycle of Life"

The spider eats the fly,
but the fly doth not die.
The fly flied around
inside the belly of the spider
and it made the spider puke.

When the spider yakked,
the fly was back.
Back from the stomach of Tyrus the Spider.
Back from the dead.

The fly takes the to the hills.
Through the teachings of some rogue ants
the fly learns how to kills.
The ants say goodbye
and cry.

The fly leaves the crying ants
and returns to the party to dance
with Tyrus the Spider.
They go round and round and round again.
Until Potsy the Fly kills Tyrus dead.

Dead!

-Bad Poetry Guy

Flipping Out With Joe Mikulik

When I was 6 years old, I punched my grandmother in the face and then repeatedly shut the oven door on her head because she refused to give me just 4 more animal crackers! 4 MORE!!!

When I was 16 my high school chemistry teacher, Mrs. Stephens, accused me of cheating so I took a vat of hydochloric acid and threw it against her wall melting the pictures of her ugly ass family. Then, I sat down in my chair and clearly reenacted how I couldn't have cheated off the chick next to me with the big jugs because said jugs flopped over her test paper preventing any opportunity to cheat. I then micturated in Mrs. Stephens' fish tank while screaming at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT A CHEATER!".

A few years ago my youngest daughter got a puppy for her birthday. One afternoon, after I had gone way out of my way to Dairy Queen to purchase a cold, delicious strawberry shake to feed my craving for a cold, delicious strawberry shake I had to take a quick phone call in my study and left my cold, delicious strawberry shake in the kitchen. Upon completion of the call, I returned to the kitchen to find said puppy in the middle of a cold, delicious strawberry shake puddle on the kitchen floor. I got so angry and red in the face that my bow tie I was wearing caught on fire and smoke started to spout from my ears like steam from a tea pot. I then made a scream that only mythological sirens could understand, which broke every piece of glass in my house. I picked up the puppy and proceeded to punt it through some football uprights. When my daughter started to cry at the "cruelty" I had shown to her "precious Snaps", I dropped an anvil on her head and then punted her through some uprights as well. I then found a spoon and tried to salvage what I could of my now warm, melted, but delicious none-the-less strawberry floor shake.

So, some could say I have a "history of poor anger management". Some could say I "make mountains out of mole hills". I say that I'm merely a man of my own accord. I'm just trying to play with the cards I've been dealt and fighting for the little man and trying to rid the world of injustice. My life motto: "NEVER SURRENDER". My good friend, homie, brethren, mentor, etc., Malcolm X said "by any means necessary". Therefore, I feel justified in my actions from Sunday afternoon's baseball game in which, I "lost control" and garnered me a suspension and fine (as I'm sure you've all heard or seen by now). Here's the footage, just in case...



Shit, I hate Stuart Scott. Personally, I think I need to do some more bicep and deltoid work in the gym...where I'm regularly found forging my own weights from scrap steel I find under the highway.

So, now I find myself with 7 days off and out $1,000. What am I going to do with myself? I don't know. Some say I should "go to counseling". Some say I should take a trip or find a hobby. Hey! I have a hobby! It's called kicking ass and taking names and flipping the ass out!

Just this morning, I woke up to find my neighbor putting HIS trashbags into MY trash bin because his overly wasteful ass is too much for HIS bin to handle. I instantly Fred Flinstoned (walking with chest forward, feet stomping, arms pressed like concrete down to the ground) to the curb where I flung his trash all over his yard saying "shit" a lot. I then, set his piece of shit Toyota Prius ablaze while grabbing my crotch in the direction of his house with one hand and giving him the bird with the other. Next, I chopped down the giant oak in his front yard with my hands and fashioned a battering ram with which I knocked down his front door. I punched my neighbor in the nose, gave him a wedgie and then burned the bottom of his feet with a hot iron I had plugged in earlier. Finally, I told him his kids were "ugly retards" and that his wife had small boobs and stormed out after scattering some Chips Ahoy cookies across his living room.

Some say I'm insane and evil. I say I'm just living. Some say I need to relax. I say you can kiss my ass.

DEREK 360: Things you need to know

Let me drop some more knowledge on you childrens. These are things you need to know.

KNOWLEDGE #6
Rollerblading is not awesome. Ever.

Rollerblading came into mass popularity sometime in the mid 1980s (i think). People would go to the local mercantile and purchase brightly colored blades and then get together with friends to rollerblade up and down their respective streets. They would form sweet rollerblading clubs and roll up and down the avenues in different formations like the "V", the "Z" and the "Long Dong Dragon". Correspondingly awful fashion was employed to make the rollerblader look like a giant neon colored spandex enthusiast. In the 80s, a decade regarded as completely ridiculous, rollerblading and its many life changing behaviors were merely drops in the big bucket of said ridiculousiosity. The lame way people looked both wearing blades and "blading" on blades was also partially acceptable in the early to mid 90s. However, in our current climate of awesome (of which the Johnny is oh-so-happy to be a part of), rollerblading needs to be outlawed. The only time rollerblading is at all warranted is when you have the blades on and are performing sweet tricks off of benches, rails, cars, or drained pools. In any other set of circumstances rollerblading is not awesome. Not at all.

That's it for now. Happy Fathers Day everyone!

I invite all of those who disagree with the above knowledge to comment.

Trust these things, for they are fact.

-Derek

Let's watch movies: Heat

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Heat. Heat stars Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, Val Kilmer, Tommy "Boom Boom" Sizemore and one of my favorite actors, Tom Noonan.

Heat is a movie about bad mother-fuckin' dudes. I actually heard that Bad Mother-Fuckin' Dudes Kickin' Ass and Stealin' Some Shit was a potential title. The movie centers around the "adventures" of two men. Pacino plays a cop (who kicks ass) and DeNiro plays a crook (who steals some shit). The two men respect each other but want to put a stop to one another at the same time. The movie is punctuated by some of the slickest and most radical action scenes ever captured in a movie. There are a lot of bullets and a lot of windows being broken. The movie takes a turn for the awesome as Pacino and DeNiro get more and more intense until it eventually pole vaults well over the previously set record of awesome and sets a new one during the final hour. Oh yeah, Tom Noonan is in it. He hasn't been this good since Robocop 2 and that is really saying something. Heat is an astoundingly awesome and all around amazingly astute action adventure (ALLITERATION BITCHES) movie. It is three hours long but it's a good three hours. It doesn't really feel long. It feels developed. Yeah.

Reviews tend to be both more difficult to write and less entertaining to read when the movie being reviewed is good. I will make a note of this and try to review pure shit (see Havoc) more often in the future.

+PROS+
+Stellar cast that delivers on all of its potential.
+Multiple hair styles from Val Kilmer!!
+Tom Noonan with a beard.
+LOTS of broken glass.
+Jeremy Piven is actually in this movie.

-CONS-
-There were not enough references to the temperature being "damned hot". This made me feel cheated by the title. A movie called Heat should be about hotness. Pacino should've looked DeNiro right in the face and said, "DAMN IT MAAANNN! IT IS HOT!". That would've really made it for me in a big way.
-The fact that John Voight (yeah he's in this too...and he's surly as balls) doesn't spell his name John VOYT.

I give this film a 8.99878 out of 10
-Derek

The JU(H)S Goes East: Andrew heads to the land of the Red Dragon

Well, after enough delay to invoke a full-fledged anticlimax, I have finally arrived in Hong Kong. I have the tendency land in new places at night, so I don't think I've had the full effect yet. From what I can tell so far, it seems pretty awesome. Right now it's 11:20pm - unfortunately my body thinks it's 11:20am. Consequently, I probably won't be sleeping tonight. I'm debating whether or not to go out and explore a strange city after midnight, or stay put and live to see daylight. I think I'll opt for prudence at this juncture - I'm here until November, so I'll have plenty of time for excursions.

Although situated in a much more exotic locale, I can't say my story has the same flair as Michael's recent travels. He is kicking ass and taking names (possibly literally regarding the latter) as a PA and LA Film Festival intern. I am merely carrying on virtually the same job I had in NY, except with even more excruciating hours. Hopefully in the coming weeks, I will have something more interesting to report. In the meantime, as Derek so eloquently put, we can finally say the JU(H)S is international - spanning the globe from HK, LA, Dallas, NY, and soon London. Not bad fellas. The expansion can only continue.

Lastly, some tidbits: Derek - I expect a copy of Elephant Gun. I will find some way to pay you, probably via the parents. Mike - I appreciate your attempt to compromise on our naming scheme with "JU(H)S". As you can see, I've adopted this format for my own use. Henceforth, the Johnny Utah Symposium shall be know as, not "JUS", not "JUhS", but ... "JU(H)S". Previously, not enough acronyms contained parentheses. We can proudly say we righted this wrong. Andy - if you're in a movie with Walter Sobchak ... ... there are no words. Please make this happen.

Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii,

Andrew
"Proud JU(H)S Member Since 2006!"

DEREK 360: We are not dead.

Hey gang,

I thought I would take this opportunity to fill in all of you with the recent happenings of the JUS founding dad dudes. This is being provided to both inform and potentially entertain you all and to also operate as an excuse for the lack of posting in the past week to 10 days. Let's see here:

Michael is in Los Angeles as he so perfectly articulated in the post below this one. He is there accosting celebrities and chasing his dreams.

Andrew is in the process of moving to Hong Kong. No joke. Once he's there and settled the JUS will go international in a big way. Yes. Konichiwiiiiizzziiiiii.

Andy has signed with a talent agent and recently auditioned for a sweet Xmas-based MOW (Movie of the Week) with John Goodman.

Oh, and me? It is no secret that I play in a band called Hardin Sweaty and The Ready to Go. The band just completed album number three and it is currently being manufactured into mass quantities somewhere in Indiana. It should be available to the public for the first time June 30th. The album is called Elephant Gun and it is probably the best album ever made. Ever.

It's all very exciting.

Stay tuned because the JUS is reloading. More and more new and exciting content (that will be the fucking awesome) is coming soon.

-Derek

The JU(H)S Goes West: Michael Thomas heads to the land of $3.50 a gallon

"You're born, you take shit. You get out in the world, you take more shit. You climb a little higher, you take less shit. Till one day you're up in the rarefied atmosphere and you've forgotten what shit even looks like. Welcome to the layer cake son. "
-Layer Cake

Here we go, folks. The adventure begins. Tomorrow me and Juhs fan Danny Jordan head off to Los Angeles. We have internships at this year's Los Angeles Film Festival. We're not getting paid for our hard work, because we're simply peons, but we've got ambition, creativity, and no opposition to the casting couch. Since I'm moving there, you may ask: "Have you ever been to California?" The answer is no, but I have heard nice things.

I don't really know what to expect. I have money to burn, a couch to crash on, good job opportunities, and the wearwithall to fall on my face a few times.

Pretty much I want to take this time to thank my fellow JU(H)Sers Derek, Andy, and Andrew. It's been a strange year since post-graduation. May 2005 to May 2006 was frustrating, maddening, disapointing, satisfying, gratiyfing, and awesome. I wouldn't have survived it without you guys. And I'm mainly speaking to Andy and Derek here. Andrew you were in New York most of the time, therefore not as special. However, you were still pretty tits in your own right.

Dear Readers, in the coming weeks expect short and sweet updates regarding my travels. Times are about to get interesting for the men of the Johnny U. You'll want to be there every step of the way.

Here now for your pleasure is a sweet picture of the founding fathers of the Johnny Utah Symposium, minus Andrew Salvoni:



Take it easy, friends.

DEREK 360: OH SHIT!

Oh no.

This, my friends and neighbors, is the beginning of the end.

Well no. The beginning of the end was when Dancing with the Stars was the leading television show in the ratings. What I am about to discuss is like step two of the beginning of the end. Step two of the end or something.

Come along with me if you would. Let's go to Utah. A state known for mormons, multiple wives, plateaus, and now...BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE. That's right. The Bubonic Plague is back in a big way and it is eradicating mice and other rodents inside the Natural Bridge National Monument area. The Natural Bridge National Monument (NBNM) is that awesome rock bridge that marks pretty much all things Utah-ian and now it is tainted with the smudgey grossness of BUBONIC MOTHER-FUCKIN' PLAGUE.


The campgrounds surrounding the NBNM have been closed and will be put through rigourous degermification processes. Humans typically contract the BLACK DEATH from fleas that have contracted it from filthy rodents carrying it. Exterminators are going to go in and try to kill all of the fleas. Trouble is, if only one of those fleas escapes. Maybe joins a traveling flea circus or something. Well then we will have the beginnings of THE BLACK DEATH round two.

Note: The Bubonic Plague can be treated and defeated with modern medicine.

This is bad.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 6

Another riveting game was played between Andy, Mike and Derek on Monday evening. The game was played at a secondary location. This change in scenery did not affect the level of competition displayed by the athletes.

GAME SUMMARY:
The beginning of this game was marked with complaining. Andy complained about having to pee. Derek complained about Michael's tardiness (he was eating some dinner) and Michael complained about taxes. The three men put away their petty problems and began the game. The game was a quick one with all three players staying relatively close to one another for the first few possessions. Michael quickly began to dominate however. His display of mid-range jumpers and forceful inside moves was occasionally interrupted by mini-runs from Andy and Derek but in the end Michael's offensive prowess brought him a "W".

WINNER:
Michael

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-1

In a post game interview Michael had this to say: "I'm just happy to have more points than Andrew."

Yeah.
-Studerino

Mike and Derek Ruin A Movie

*NO ONE AT THE JUHS FEELS BAD ABOUT BLOWING THE LID OFF THE BLOCKBUSTER FILM OF THE SUMMER. WHY? BECAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE SHOULD BE EXCITED TO SEE THIS MOVIE*

Hey, guys. Check out who shows up for a surprise cameo at the end of FAST AND THE FURIOUS - TOKYO DRIFT:















Oh. You're upset?
Oh. Eat shit.

-Mike and Derek.

"Your pastel striped vest looks like shit."

First we had 311 Vs. Scott Stapp.

Now we have this.

Don't move Hilfiger's drink. Don't do it.
-Derek

JUBL: Game 5

Andy, Mike and Derek got together earlier today for some JUBL basketball action. The weather conditions were ideal and all three men seemed to bring their "A" game to the court.

GAME SUMMARY:
This game was a gripping display of competition...for the most part. Mike ran into some bad luck in the early goings but continued to bounce back. He had a strange hopping-while-dribbling thing going on that seemed to be working for him from time to time. Andy and Derek were making shots in their normal customary ways. Derek through jump shots and fade aways and Andy through acrobatic moves to the basket. The game remained competitive throughout but in the end it was Derek who sealed his first JUBL victory of the year with a long jumper.

WINNER:
Derek

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-1.33
Michael-0

Gripping. Just gripping.
-Studer

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


I am back. I've been pretty pissed off at this "blog" recently. All this fuckin' bullshit about the JUBL and shit-ass music reviews. The whole thing has gotten really pedestrian and really fucking worthless. I contemplated quitting the Symposium for good but then I saw that drivel the supposed "founding dads" were producing and knew it was up to me, a true artist, to save this sinking ship. Seriously though. Fuck Derek, fuck Michael, fuck Andy and fuck Andrew. You guys need to get your shit together or some bad shit is gonna come to pass. Fuck.

So i'm back with my thoughts on some upcoming movie releases. Let's fuckin' do this.

The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift
The plot of this awful shit is simple. Some shitty guys drive some cars in Japan. The trailer shows some cars and some chicks in little skirts and some dudes high fiving and shit. The TRAILER looks like a pile of shit. A fucking pile of shit. I went to Coachella a couple weekends back and Paul "I'm gay" Walker tried to kiss me. I don't think he's in this fuckin' Tokyo shit but I have nothing else to say about it so take it or fucking leave it. I'd leave it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Mission Impossible 3
Mission Impossible 3: Mission Impossiblest is coming to our cinemas. Oh wait, it's already there. Shit. Well, I still think it looks like a bunch of burnt ass. I'm just gonna throw this out there. I am not a Tom Cruise fan. I, to be more precise, fucking hate him. There was a movie about a hundred years ago that we were both trying to star in. We were fucking going in and meeting with these fucking casting vampire fucks and giving them all these fucking readings and shit and just fucking doing all this fucking bullshit to get this role. It was between me and Tommy and in the end that mother fucker got the part and I didn't. It worked out though because I wound up meeting Rick Rubin and getting my music career off the ground, and music is my true fuckin' passion. Oh, the movie was Cocktail. I can't fuckin' believe I didn't get that. Even now. Fuck Tom Cruise and fuck Bryan Brown too. Fuckers. The TRAILER for MI:3 just looks like every other overdone action epic released these days. It's all very offensive to me. I've really lost my fucking train of thought here. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is a fucking man though.

Thumbs Down.
Half of one star (because Phil Hoff is a man).

Little Man
Alright. I know what you fucks are thinking. Vince, do you hate everything? Are you really that fucking bitter? Are you really writing this or is someone else writing it while stealing the incredible popularity of your identity? Do you ever like any movies other than your own? To answer you fucking kids, I do love some movies. I, like you fanboy faggot fucks, do get excited about some movies and Little Man is one of these movies. The premise may seem a little but fucked. A fuckin' dwarf masquerading as a baby to retrieve some treasure. If you look past that premise though you can really see that this is gonna be a movie that explores some issues that have been ignored in Hollywood for too long. Just study the TRAILER. No director has ever had the fuckin' stones to even joke about a grown man/woman fucking a baby and this looks like the movie to break through that barricade. It's all very exciting. I just hope it doesn't turn out to be a formulaic gimmick-ridden urban comedy. Yeah.

Thumbs way up (unless it sucks).
Four fuckin' stars (")

It's nice to end on a high note. Fuck this "blog" though. Seriously.

-Vincent Gallo

Let's watch movies: Havoc

Hey everyone!

Let's watch some movies.

Today we are going to watch Havoc. Havoc stars Anne Hathaway, the always reliable Bijou Phillips and some Latin dudes.

Havoc is about a group of girls (with the focus being primarily placed on two of them) who become so bored with the safe suburban world that they live in that they decide to go over to the "bad side" of town and hang out with some bad ass Latin dudes. The Latin dudes are drug dealers and they live a fast and dangerous lifestyle that gets Bijou and Anne a wee bit excited. Things escalate when the ladies go to a shady hotel room and ask to become "a part of the gang". Oh yeah, the Latin dudes are, of course, in a gang. The Latin dudes are totally cool with the idea of them joining the gang but their is an initiation. The initiation is that the girls each roll a single dice (or is it a die). Whatever number they roll is the number of awesome Latin gang member dudes they have to fuck. I think all at the same time or something. Anne rolls a one and good old Bijou "I'm a dirty slut" Phillips rolls like a 15 (I don't remember). So from there things get out of hand. Anne turns into a prude (after displaying her nude bod for like the eighth time in the movie...not complaining) and refuses to fuck the one dude she was supposed to fuck. Bijou however is all about it. She starts fucking some dudes and, what a surprise, she has a bad time. The Latin dudes let up and let the chicks leave. The chicks then blow things out of proportion and say the Latin dudes raped them. Actually I think Bijou's the only one that flips the script on the Latins but I don't remember. From here things escalate even more when Anne's "I wanna be black" boyfriend gets involved. I don't remember the ending. I don't know if I was watching. This movie sucks.

The point of this movie was clear. It was trying to serve as a cautionary tale to parents and to kids. To parents it is trying to tell you to watch your kids. If you think they may be sneaking off to East L.A. for a fiesta then maybe it is time to intervene. To kids it is telling you to NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH DRUG DEALERS WHO ARE IN GANGS. That is a life you stumble into, not a life you seek out. Just say no and stuff.

Let's do like a pros and cons thing here:

+PROS+
+Anne Hathaway's boobs
+The realistic depiction of Latin gangs (cough cough)

-CONS-
-Basically everything
-Bijou Phillips has got to be on the cons despite being naked for the majority of the movie. She just sucks.

I give this film a 3.31785 out of 10
-Derek

Johnny-U Album Review: 10,000 Days

Fellow JUhSers,

Before I can review this album for you, I feel I must explain where I fit within the realm of popular music. Let's put it this way: If rock was a school, I'd be in the special ed class.

This was not always so. In my heyday, circa Freshman and Sophomore years in college, I attended an astounding variety of live shows (including Tool in San Antonio during their Lateralus tour) and illegally downloaded multiple gigabytes worth of mp3s. Since then my level of rock IQ has atrophied significantly. I am grossly dependent on Michael's suggestions (Death from Above 1979, Arctic Monkeys, etc...) and Derek's mix tapes (Feel Good Rock Roll Vol. 1 & 2). I've been listening to a decent mix of those, Hardin Sweaty and the Ready To Go, and Coheed and Cambria for the past few months. Although my musical tastes have adjusted over the years, I'm still the same person who grew up on early 90's rock and, later, the metal stylings of Metallica, Pantera, and Tool.

Each new Tool album has been a momentous event. As a band, when you make the decision to release only one new album every four years, it's best that you adhere to certain standards. In other words, you better make it worth the damn wait. Tool, overwhelmingly, has done so. It's hard to believe that a band with only four full-length releases in the amount of time they've been around has garnered such a following.

In my opinion, Ænima must act as the yardstick against which all of their new releases are measured. I'm a huge fan of Undertow, but I believe Ænima is Tool's crowning achievement, fully embodying their style and maturity as a band. On this basis, I was disappointed with Lateralus at first. I still believe it's a spectacular album, but for me it did not live up to the staggering expectations inherently created as "the follow-up to Ænima." Standing alone it is amazing, but in the context of Tool's greater repertoire, it does not rank highly for me.

10,000 days gets much, much closer.

The album begins with the first single, "Vicariously." It is far superior to "Schism" - a song I don't particularly enjoy. It's your classic seven minute Tool tune, and it rocks pretty hard. I'm not going to use this space to analyze songs or opine as to the inner meaning of the symbolism because, really, I don't give a shit. I don't care if you're singing about daisies and lollipops, as long as the song rocks. I will say this: Maynard's lyrics in this album are extremely straightforward. He flirts with the literal for much of the album. This was completely unexpected, especially after the apparent direction the band was heading with Lateralus, but it's actually very refreshing.

I was taken aback at first - how could Tool release something so simplistic? The guitar riffs are back to the basics, reminiscent of much of their work in Undertow. The softer, trippier songs are melodic and don't particularly push progressive rock boundaries. I think Tool said to themselves, "we can still make badass rock songs - they may be long and weird as hell, but they're gonna fucking rock, and they're gonna fucking keep you interested." In a way, they're in direct opposition to one of their ongoing themes ("be patient...") with the adoption of this (relatively) direct approach to songwriting. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just used to Tool's style, but I have the feeling this album will meet greater popular success as a result, without sacrificing any artistic integrity.

Getting back to the review, the first two tracks ("Vicariously" and "Jambi") are badass rock tunes. The next two, sister-songs "Wings for Marie (Part 1)" and "10,000 Days (Wings Part 2)" are softer, flowing, and punctuated with some stunning crescendos. They make up a two-part tribute (of sorts) to Maynard's mother, so they consist of pretty heady material. Once again, the lyrics aren't overly symbolic. Once again, I'm a fan.

"The Pot" reverts the album back to it's hard rock core, performed in the same vein as "Hooker with a Penis" and "Ticks & Leeches." Oh, and the bass line is fucking badass. "Lost Keys (Blame Hofmann)" and "Rosetta Stoned" are a connected intro & song about aliens and LSD. Cool. "Intension" is another trippy seven minute tune. If you liked "Disposition" and "Reflection," you'll like this one. "Right in Two," effectively the album's conclusion, is another badass song. If you made it this far, you deserve it, too. It's another straightforward commentary on how mankind wastes it's gifts fighting about useless shit. I wholeheartedly agree - the topic couldn't be more pertinent.

In conclusion, I like 10,000 days. A lot. It's a welcome respite from the copious amount of shitty rock music out now. It doesn't quite reach the same heights as Ænima, but I've only had a week to let it sink in. My initial feeling is that it doesn't quite acheive the same scope or cohesion. However, time will fit the album in it's correct place. If nothing else, it demonstrates that Tool is still moving forward creatively, still making entertaining music, and still remains a relevant force in the watered-down metal scene.

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS member since 2006!"




Tool says: "Enjoy our new album, bitches!"

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello Team,

It is that time once again. What time is that you ask? What time is it? Stupid Person Time.

Today I present you guys with more of a stupid organization. I would love to narrow this down to one totally stupid person but I'm afraid the stupidity can only be pinned to an entire group. That group is the bumbling crazies that work at NASA. The new plan over at NASA is to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. This probe will create a crater and will then send back readings about the surface of the moon and water levels and a bunch of other scientific stuff that is very un-stupid. I know this all sounds pretty awesome and if we find that the moon has some water under the surface we can then colonize a righteous good moon town but I'm afraid it's not as simple as that.


Let me break this down.

We are going to shoot a "space probe" into the moon. When this probe hits it will create a collision so violent it will be visible from Earth. From there the moon will fucking break in half and begin to split into smaller bits and chunks. These chunks will then fly all around the solar system bouncing into planets like Earth and...Earth. Entire continents will be turned to nothing and after one particularly nasty collision with a massive moon chunk the Earth will shift off of its axis and the atmosphere, gravitational conditions, climate, and structure will become totally fucked. The Earth will then begin to float aimlessly through space until it gets a wee bit too close to that big yellow thing in the center (the sun) and burns real, real bad. Everyone on Earth who didn't already get smashed by a moon boulder will be burned alive. It will suck bad. The absence of Earth, coupled with the additional moon bits floating through space will cause major changes to the universe's makeup. The planets (and this is over the course of hundreds of years...our species is burned and smashed and dead) will begin to fall out of place and slowly collide into one another like one of those things on a really stereotypical pyschiatrist's desk. That thing with the bouncing balls. Take out the balls and replace them with planets like Mars and Jupiter and then add in lots of space pollution as huge pieces of planets are broken off and begin to float trough space bumping into other things. Alien species will learn to dread our galaxy and will call it "Galaxy Shitty". It will become (and we're talking like a bunch of millions of years from now) an awesome outpost prison facility where all these different alien criminal dudes are shipped to "do some time". They'll get life in "Shitty" and then eventually one dude will break out and become a really rad space pirate and then he will eventually gather enough strength to break out all of the other prisoners in "Shitty" and in Moses-esque fashion he will lead his prisoner army on a crazed war path of pain and killings as he overtakes the major government of outer space (I don't know much about them...sorry). This space pirate Moses dude will then become "King of Space" and will rule space with a fair hand. He will permanently close down "Galaxy Shitty" and will (using awesome technology that we can't even comprehend...because we're kind of stupid) eradicate it completely. All that will remain of the spot where Earth sat will be nothing. The spot won't exist.

Do we want this chain of events to begin? I, for one, am not really ready to be smashed by moon rocks or burned alive by the sun. Come on NASA, don't be stupid.

They're not going to be launching the probe until 2009, so if there is anything you've been putting off doing I would do it.

NOTE: I know nothing about science.

-Derek

JUBL: Game 4

Mike, Andy and Derek met last Sunday for an exciting game of basketball. The game was the fourth of the still young JUBL season and was held at an undisclosed loaction.

GAME SUMMARY:
I can't lie. This game took place a week ago and it wasn't really that memorable. There weren't any tremendous plays or awesome moments. It was relatively competitve for the first few possessions with each man matching the other point for point. From there Andy took over and continued his hot streak with another JUBL win. I recall Michael wanting to give his own write-up about his performance in game 4 and I welcome him to do so in the comments section. I'll do better on the summary next time. I promise.

WINNER:
Andy

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-3.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-.33
Michael-0

This season appears one-sided.
-Stude

Michael Thomas Has Opinions #2

I can't remember the last time I posted up on the ole' Johnny U. Did I last leave off with a shoddy political statement or wax intellectual with a dead baby joke? It's difficult to keep track of my mediocrity, and I appreciate my fellow JUSers who consistantly put up good work while I tread water.

I've been a busy boy, world. What with my community theatre play, a tenative visit to LA, and utter lack of originality, I've not been able to update with any regularity or zeal.

But I still have opinions. Here are a couple:

SILENCE IS GOLDEN:

I caught Christophe Gans' SILENT HILL last Sunday with the inimitable Derek Rundgren. It was my choice, and I was nervous. The last movie I picked was the Paul Walker shitfest RUNNING SCARED, and I feared a repeat of that unfortunate affair.

SILENT HILL is 50% awesome and 50% intolerable. The visuals were amazing (imagine Tarsem's THE CELL with shittier lighting, effective design, and actual restraint), but the story was atrocious. I'm not quite sure what was going on, even though a good portion of the film was devoted to unnecessary exposition. It would have made a great silent movie.

The script was written by Roger Avary(co-writer of PULP FICTION, writer/director of KILLING ZOE and RULES OF ATTRACTION), and I was surprised at how lazy and unfocused it was. Avary's work is generally streamlined and concise, but he was either overwelmed by Gans' ambition, or too enamored with his own vision to generate a decisive product.

In the end, SILENT HILL is a movie overloaded with bloat and brimming with misopportunity. But it also contains some of the most searing CGI images yet produced, and I respect the bold attempt at an open ending. See it if you feel the need.

IT IS NOT TOO SOON FOR ME:

I hope I get a chance to see Paul Greengrass' UNITED 93. It's not an experience I plan to enjoy, but it's something I feel I need to do. My level for the heroes of 9/11 is high. The firefighters, police officers, New York citizens, and the passengers of Flight 93 were the very embodiment of the American spirit . I am humbled by their sacrifice, and devastated by the choking reality they faced.

If anyone can do UNITED 93 right (and the reviews say he did), it's Greengrass. His first feature BLOODY SUNDAY is remarkable, and THE BOURNE SUPREMACY is one of the most intense movies of the decade. Paul Greengrass is a powerful filmmaker, and the appropriate choice to bring 9/11 to the screen.

Check out this great interview with Greengrass over at CHUD:
http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=interviews&id=6524

ONCE AGAIN, FUCK AMERICAN IDOL:

I know I'm repeating myself, but with the AMERICAN IDOL season in full swing, I feel it's time to reiterate a few points:

If you watch AMERICAN IDOL with regularity, if you talk about it at work the next day, or if you watch the nightly news just for the IDOL updates, I doom you tied to the nose of Flight 93 as it performs it's vertical dive toward the Pennsylvanian farming district.

That would wipe out my immediate family and a third of my co-workers, but action needs to be taken.

Who the hell do you people think you are? There's a war going on, there's baseball to watch, there's 600 different Law and Order shows to catch up on. You want to spend your Tuesdays and Wednesdays listening to bubblegum pop and wretched singing? Turn on the fucking radio, or read a goddamned book. You don't need to subject your body to this crap and convince yourself Simon's quips are the epitome of high drama. AMERICAN IDOL is cruise control for the masses, and the road is getting dangerous.

Don't you realize that Carrie Underwood is just a whore that can sing to scale, Clay Aiken is as special as that gay kid who played Tony in your high school's production of WEST SIDE STORY, Ruben Studdard nothing more than a fat tub of Jell-O poop, and Justin Giannnniiinnniii a Carrot-Top clone? Kelly Clarkson gets a free pass because she didn't know any better, but the rest of those assholes have blood on their hands. And so do you, motherfuckers.

OKAY, I'M SORRY FOR THAT LAST SECTION. LET'S ALL BE FRIENDS AGAIN, AND CONNECT THROUGH THE POWER OF MUSIC:

I don't know what the general consensus is on today's music. I'm generally out of touch with what the kids are listening to these days, as I only listen to U2 cover bands and Radiohead b-sides.

But I dig those ARCTIC MONKEYS. Here's a cool little video made from their kick-ass song VIEW FROM THE AFTERNOON. Enjoy, and I'll be back again soon.

Through the Aperture of Andy: "Come out with your hands up and titties out!"

Hello children. Let's take a look at what we have today:

NOW SHOW US THEM TITTIES!

Ladies! Would you show this man your bazongas?

What if he knocked on your door saying he was a doctor offering free door-to-door breast exams on behalf of the local hospital? That's what happened in one Miama, Florida neighborhood. Phillip Winikoff, a.k.a. The Awesome Dr. Hooter Handler, is the suspect pictured above and is an awesome 76 years old. He has been charged with sexually assaulting two women in their 30s after being invited in by the women to check their breastaseses. However, one woman became suspicious after "Dr." Winikoff started giving her genitals a thorough looksy without putting on rubber gloves. (I'm guessing her nether regions looked clean so he didn't think he needed them...and that this woman thought it was an all inclusive breast exam?!) The prude lady called the cops and reported Winikoff.

Winikoff was arrested after trying to expand his practice in another neighborhood. A spokesman for the local sheriff''s department had this to say about Winikoff: "Winikoff was not a doctor. He worked as a shuttle driver for an auto dealership." That just adds to the awesomenacity of this dude. Although he's creepy and perverted. And a sexual criminal. (Ok, he's not THAT awesome). But he still looks like the man.

I'm not saying I support sexual assault or anything like this at all, but LADIES! Come on now! An old man, looking like that, hell...forget physical appearances! IF ANY man comes to your door saying he's offering free breast exams: YOU DO NOT LET HIM IN! Use some good...or ANY judgement.

However, a dude coming to my door looking like the man offering to feel me up...I'd probably let him in also.

(Dr. Feel Ya Good)

COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! ...HELLO?

Ahhh. Oklahoma City Police Department. OKCPD. Or is it OPD? Not sure. It doesn't matter. Anyway, after sitting for SEVEN HOURS outside a home involved with a drug investigation, the police decided it was the right time to make a move even though they had had no contact with anyone from inside the house. Units at the scene called in the tactical team, who subsequently made the entrance into the house. They made their entrance only to find: no one was there (cue the trumpet and the "WAH WAH Wah-wah-a-a-a-a").

Good work boys. I guess this was the Keystone Unit of the OKCPD...EFAHDS.

(Benny Hill Theme in Full Effect!)

That's it for today. Just some nifty quick hits.

And that's the world through the Aperture of Andy...them breasts looking firm and clean.

JUBL: Game 2, Game 3

Three of the JUS dudes met on a rainy Thursday for a couple more games in the still young Johnny Utah Basketball League season.

FIRST GAME SUMMARY:
Andrew, Andy and Derek met at an undisclosed location this past Thursday. Michael was unable to attend the double-header. The weather was wet and muggy, but the temperature was cool and the conditions were pretty great overall. Andy and Derek got out to quick starts while Andrew lagged behind complaining about "being out of shape" and "how much his legs hurt". Andrew was really never a factor in the first game though his always aggressive defensive style was shown from time to time. Andy and Derek fought it out down to the final bucket with Andy coming out on top for his second consecutive JUBL win.

WINNER:
Andy

SECOND GAME SUMMARY:
In the second game of the double-header the men involved decided to change up the rules. For those of you who are not familiar with the three man competitive basketball game "21" the rules are simple. The first man to reach 21 points is the winner. Each made basket is 2 points and it earns you a trip to the free throw line where you are given the opportunity to shoot up to three free throws. If you miss a free throw the ball is then up for grabs for the other two dudes playing to rebound. One of the things the JUBL dudes are not very good at is free throws. Because of this a large part of the strategy involved in JUBL games revolves around people purposefully missing free throws by bouncing them hard off the backboard to hopefully get the ball back and acquire another possesion.

Whoa...that was kind of confusing. The point is that for the second game of the double-header Andrew, Andy and Derek decided to outlaw purposeful missing. This would mean that no one could do the crazy bounce the ball off the backboard really hard thing. This would prove to a be a big mistake.

The game began like any other. Andrew was reborn offensively in the second game and was scoring with greater ease. Andy and Derek were scoring well also. Andy blazed ahead at one point using his reliable slashing skills and went to the free throw line with the chance to win the game. He made his first free throw giving him 20 points. He then missed his next one. From here the dudes playing had to consult the official JUBL rule book about what would have to happen. The reason for the confusion is because in order to win you have to have 21 points and after ending up with 20 with no way to get 21 (there are no one pointers remember) Andy was basically screwed. The rule book said that Andy had to keep shooting and that with his next made basket he would return to having 11 points.

This explanation sucks.

At this point Derek and Andrew, surged with confidence about Andy being screwed by his own free throw skills. They too reached the summit and they to wound up with 20 points because they could not hit pivotal free throws.

This game went on forever. It was tragic. All of them reached the 20 point plateau again and Andy even reached it a third time. All three men began to lose their energy for the seemingly unwinnable contest and eventually the game was called on account of a mistake in rule changing. In the end it was decided that the three men would split the points from the game and each would get .33 points. Derek and Andrew were thrilled about this ruling because it would effectively help them to "get on the board" and Andy was pleased because it kept his winning streak alive at 3 games.

WINNER:
No winner due to a mistake in rule changing.

SCOREBOARD:
Andy-2.33
Andrew-.33
Derek-.33
Michael-0

That was laborious.
-Stat Dude