My Plea

Please. Do not disparage my brother. Bobbo was greatness. And I have never laughed so much as when his lovely face was covered in his own snot after over-inflating an AIDS hand shield. I presented dear Howie with the idea of a case picking game show after getting a good bit of entertainment watching some of my friends poke and prod at some air-dropped aid in the field by my house. I thought: "What if one box was filled with several dollars and the other with a ferocious lion?" or "What if one box was filled with a considerable sum of money and the other was filled with a clown and rancid bass?" or "What if one box was filled with dubloons and the other was filled with the dust of John Candy?" Now that's must see tv! HAHA.

My brother's comedy and game show hosting abilities: The fucking awesome!

-N. Mandela

Brain or No Brain?

Has anyone seen this new show? I'd feel better if you hadn't, but apparently it's a craze that's sweeping the nation. The new hit NBC show is titled "Deal or No Deal" and it's hosted by none other than the incomparable Howie Mandel. What?! You thought his career was over? You thought nothing could top the pointlessness of "Bobby's World"? You thought America was through with the man known solely for blowing up, through his nose, a latex glove outstretched over his head?

You were completely fucking wrong. Because even the D-minus celebrities have nine lives. Why is everyone so god damn worried about global warming? Don't you realize we're recycling celebrities at an alarming rate? At this point, we won't have anyone left to entertain us by 2060, much less polar ice caps. And if I can't get my latest celebrity-reality show on VH1 when I'm 80 years old, dribbling on my sweater and urinating myself, then I don't fucking care if the entire coast line is submerged. Or if hurricanes pummel Illinois in February. Or if China replaces the United States as the dominant world power.

Do we even deserve to be the world power? Look at what entertains our collective nation. We'd rather watch a complete slut imbecile fuck 20 guys on the Real World: Key West, or Flava Flav spout catch phrases that went out in the 90's, or obsess over a group of coddled, useless youths who haven't served a legitimate purpose their entire lives as they prance around Laguna Beach. We'd rather watch a bald, washed-up comedian discuss for an entire hour, with honest, normal Americans, whether or not they should open cases handled by completely artificial, obviously fake-breasted models. THERE IS A SHOW ON PRIME-TIME TELEVISION WHERE THE ENTIRE PREMISE IS BASED ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD OPEN A CASE. Just ... let that sink in for a second. Has anyone else thought about this?

Who am I to tell people what to do with their lives? I am no different than all of you. I merely suggest: can't we do better? Is this how we want to spend our Monday evenings? We have nothing better to do? I have a timely and, I believe, apt analogy. We are UConn (or in a slightly more disgusting comparison, Duke); the rest of the world is George Mason. We are a perennial power, drunk on our own history and bred to believe the hype set before us. But there are others out there without the history and without the pedigree, working harder than we are to get ahead. And eventually, like in the tournament this year, it's going to catch up with us. Maybe not now, maybe not in 10 years, but sometime. Obviously, I didn't just make up this idea myself, but it's worth reiterating. Years before we were born, the international situation has been, more or less, as it is now. So we just assume that the world is "naturally" this way. I know I used to.

OK, I'm officially off my high horse. But that show really fucking pisses me off. It's a show about opening cases with numbers in them. And most of the time, since no one seems to understand basic statistics, they don't even make the correct decisions. Fuck. Don't watch this show. Besides, it's on at the same time as "How I Met Your Mother". You remember Doogie Howser, right?

-Andrew
"Proud JUhS Member Since 2006"

DEREK 360: JUS on the streets

Last night fellow JUS-er Andy and myself went for a jaunt into Deep Ellum. Deep Ellum, for those who do not already know, is an area in the sprawling urban monster that is downtown Dallas, Texas. While we were down there the following interactions with Deep Ellumians took place:

INTERACTION #1
RANDOM DUDE: (Yells) Don't nobody worry now!
DEREK (JUS): ............
RANDOM DUDE: (Turns in Derek's direction) Cause I'm retired!*

*NOTE: He may have said "retarded" in place of "retired". It was difficult to understand him due to the fact that he had been having a really awesome night of being a street person and drinking a lot.

INTERACTION #2
RANDOM DUDE: (Having trouble walking, talking and doing anything) Eiee Ma? Ame I tuy fughged uh?
ANDY (JUS): Are you too fucked up? Uhmmm, yeah man. I'd say you are, and you really stink...
RANDOM DUDE: Whuddaya mehn maans, Ig ott diss.
ANDY (JUS): (Remembering that this dude is probably totally crazy)...but i bet you had a great time tonight.
RANDOM DUDE: Chi manhns, dems puyliees wount eden adfres maiyass
DEREK (JUS): The police won't even arrest your ass? I guess you have some work to do then bro.
RANDOM DUDE: mahns, ayem dafunkhun devall en eeh gunnas gadrder elall ma demon brethren an fuchs dist owun adwa.
DEREK (JUS): ...........

That's about it.

-Derek

Vincent Gallo Presents: Movies

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to let the producers and film-makers insulted in this column to know that we do not share any of Mr. Gallo's opinions. We love movies. We also do not think it appropriate to give movies a rating without seeing them but Mr. Gallo, as he has shown in previous posts, does as he pleases. Once again, we apologize.


Well, well, well. It's that fuckin' time again you shitty fucks. I know you guys normally rely on me to give you guidance on everything from how to get a woman off to quilting but today I've got something a little different planned for you. I'm gonna throw some opinions at you. This is some shit you fucks can talk about at the water cooler or the fucking bullshit commercialized coffee bar. Go up to your shitty fat-fuck coworker pals and tell them all about what "Crazy Vinny" said on the J-Tah. If you call me Vinny though I'll take out my dick, shave my ass, and fuck you. Just so you know.

Let's talk about movies. I'm gonna talk about some upcoming releases and then give you guys my thoughts on them. I don't know what else to fuckin' say right here. On with the movies.

Stay Alive
The plot of this movie seems to be pretty clear. It's about a videogame that is fucking alive and killing all of the sad sack fucks who are playing it. The game is called "Stay Alive". This shit looks pathetic. In the TRAILER it shows a bunch of stupid assholes sitting in a room playing some game. I think I saw Franklin "Malcolm in my fuckin' Middle" Muniz in there. I did blow with that motherfucker in the bathroom at the Roxy like three years ago. He looked up at me and told me he was like 13 so I spat on him and ran. I have a firm hatred of that tiny motherfucker and anything he touches so on that criteria alone I'll be staying away from this fuckin' garbage. Another problem I have with this tripe is that Stephen Dorff is not involved in anyway. I didn't think you could make a shitty horror flick these days without at least getting Dorff's blessing. Fuck it.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Basic Instinct 2
Oh shit. You mean to tell me that the fucked up sex crazed bitch from BI-1 is back and she's actually got the same shit going on? What are the fucking chances there? Fuck this bullshit. This is a prime example of movies and the whole worthless fuckin' industry just fucking itself to make money. I'm sure that fat-fuck Ebert will love this shit though. Put some non-simulated cock sucking in a movie (see The Brown Bunny ) and watch out. Get some realness in there and people are all up in fuckin' arms but bring out Sharon Stone's antique tittys and everyone's popping fuckin' boners. Whoa. I got a little flustered there. Sorry about that. I just hate Roger Ebert. Lots. I watched the TRAILER and I kept wondering in my mind "why they would fuckin' make this shit". This is why I'm focused on music now. Oh, and who the fuck is David Morrissey? Fuck this shit all day.

Thumbs Down.
None Stars.

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
Oh fuck. You have got to be fuckin' kidding me. What the fuck is going on? How the fuck? FUCK! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WHITE-TRASH FUCK? IS THIS SHIT FUNNY?

Watching the TRAILER for this movie made me want to buy a pony and train it to fuck the daughter that I don't claim but undoubtedly have. If I, while watching this trailer, had held the cure to all fo the world's woes I would have shat on that cure and said FUCK THE MISERABLE WORLD THAT WOULD YIELD THIS FUCKING SWILL.

Shit like this makes me wanna go back to killing.

Thumbs Down.
Less than None Stars.

My blood pressure is up. Stay away from film. Go out and get fucked instead.

-Vincent Gallo

DEREK 360: Stupid Person Time

Hello babies,

I present you guys with a short (and sweet) entry on this fine Sunday evening. It may become a new feature here on the JUS. It's tentatively called "Stupid Person Time" and it will chronicle stupid people and the stupid things they do. IT'S GONNA BE SOOO FUNNY!!!

Let me get this thing started with someone who is a really stupid person (with a really bizarre name).

In Los Angeles last week a man named Tekle Zigetta was charged with currency smuggling. From there the investigators were led to a Hollywood apartment where they found a stash of ONE BILLION DOLLAR BILLS. ONE BILLION DOLLARS??? IN A SINGLE BILL?? HOLY SHIT!!!

The only trouble is that Tekle goofed when he was doing his counterfeiting. The problem? There is no such thing as a billion dollar bill. The bills they found were supposedly issued in 1934 (a time when a billion dollars would have been even more ridiculous than it is now) and had a picture of Grover Cleveland on them. Grover Cleveland? He's not bill worthy. That's a dead giveaway of fake-ness right there.

The investigators found 250 of these billion dollar bills. That's a lot of billions. The story on Yahoo News did not elaborate but I imagine Tekle is in serious trouble. He is also the first person to be honored on Stupid Person Time.

What kinda name is Tekle anyway.

-Derek

DEREK 360: Awesome-vertising

Hello world.

Let me get some things out of the way before I get down to business.

First of all, I'm sorry for the inactivity of the JUS lately. There is no good excuse other than laziness.

Second, to clarify Andy's entry below, Hardin Sweaty and The Ready To Go (of which I am a member, please forgive the shameless self promotion) will be playing this Friday in Denton, TX. They however will not be playing with Record Hop. Instead they'll be playing with the bands Prayer for Animals and Knee Pad. The show will be at Hailey's in Denton and will be only five dollars. If you're in the area and want to see a good rock show come on over. Plug over.

NOW ON WITH THE DEREK 360 POST!

I'm a fan of advertising. Both good and bad. Today I am going to present an ad that I think is just unbelievably good. I'm sure you guys have seen this before but now (assuming my link works) you can revisit it any time you'd like.

The ad is for Volkswagen, who never fail to make great ads (both viral and traditional), and they feature Peter Stormare as an uber-German car...enthusiast. I'm a lover of things that are ridiculously German so this ad immediately struck me as awesome. Here it is:



Here's a couple others in the series:
"Jaaaassssoonnn"
"It's definitely sucking"

"It looks like it could fly"

Great stuff.

-Derek

Through the Aperture of Andy: Away on Business

Hey JUhSers -

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'll be out on vacation for the next week. So, don't expect the fast furious posts from yours truly that you've come to expect and come to set your watch to. No sir, I'm off to the great slopes of Breckenridge, Colorado where I'm sure I'll atrociously injure myself and be left broken for the rest of my life due to my current lack of health insurance. Now, as for whether or not this will occur on the slopes or off (I foresee me drunkenly slipping and eating the side of a hot tub while wearing my newly acquired leopard thong and bleeding a lot) is up in the air.

However, today I purchased my new (and first) digital camera. Hopefully some awesomenasity will be had and I will luckily capture on said camera.

So, before I go. I just wanted to cram a lot of stuff into one big post!

FIRST:
Hardin Sweaty and the Ready to Go played a near-raucous and dare I say best ever show this past Saturday (March 4th) at Rubber Gloves in Denton, TX. The turn out wasn't spectacular. But the guys kicked major ass...and a cutout of Darth Vader around the stage. Ask Michael Thomas about the post-show after-party happenings.

This next Friday, March 17th, the boys will be destroying Hailey's in Denton, TX with Record Hop. SEE THIS SHOW! I'll allow Derek to further hype this show, but you should probably consider wearing old paint clothes and diapers because...well.....(aside from it being the new fashion)...you'll be messing yourselves from every orifice in your previously thought to be liquid tight bodies.

SECOND:
On June 17th, 2003 the best album of 2003, 2004, and 2005 was released. This album was none other than Brand New's "Deja Entendu". YOU WILL GO BUY THIS ALBUM IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY DONE SO. Well, my little hipsters. I want you to check this out:

http://www.myspace.com/brandnewdemos

THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT! (Sorry about the language...but I can't contain myself). BRAND NEW BRAND NEW! The longly awaited and longly anticipated album is underway and should be released this year! And you know what that means?! That's right. The best album of 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009. 2010 should probably find their next release.

Just in time! If you don't buy this album...I hope your head goes through the windshield or you burn in the wreckage of a plane crash or drown at the bottom of the sea after said crash.

But don't worry, folks. Even if the album doesn't see 2006. "Deja Entendu" already has 2nd best album of the year in it's pocket. It can step up to the #1 spot.

(I ALMOST FEEL SORRY FOR WHAT I'M GONNA DO!)

FINALLY:

For those of you who like nothing but equality in a marriage, well, I just wanted to leave you peoples with this:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html

Just read it! I know it's long. I know the quality isn't THAT great. But just read it! Let's get some discussion going.

Alrighty!

I'm out of here!

I'm heaven sent!

Don't you dare forget!

That's the world through the aperture of Andy. I'm still working on a sign off. But my head hurt (head hurts!) and my health is a joke and now I gotta go because my head phones broke.

-Andy

p.s. - JUhS = entirely smooth. We admit to the truth -- we are the best at what we do!

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Soggy Toast"

The rain felled down from the mountain top.
It went drippy drippy and it would not stop.

It hit some leaves on its way down.
And from there it sloshed into town.

While in town the rain drops flowed.
Until they hit a curb and explode.

The water, it goes into every home.
IT WILL NOT LEAVE THE PEOPLE ALONE.

It's only moments until the people understand.
This is not water, this is a man.

A dead dude, a spirit, a spectre, a ghost.
Some dead on your bread giving you soggy toast.

-Bad Poetry Guy

Good media: Natalie Portman

I don't watch Saturday Night Live. I'm too busy being radical. This was on SNL last night and when I saw it this morning and felt it was worthy of a repost.

My favorite part is when Natalie Portman says, "I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun so don't push me".

Enjoy!

-LINK REMOVED-

-The Radical Tad

The Return of Whipmaster Charlie

Hey bitches!

Whipmaster Charlie here ... same ole Chuck, brand new venue, got me? Still lovin' thems Goober Peas (peas!) and still whippin' those bitches into shape! I'm so honored to be a Johnny Utah member, that I made a New Year Resolution for y'alls asses. You see, in my old age, I been gettin' a little soft in the whippin' department. You might say I ain't been livin' up to the title of Whipmaster. But that's all abouts to change in the next few weeks. And it's all startin' here at the Johnny U. Y'all be wantin' to count yourselves a might bit lucky that you a member or devoted reader, and not on the outside lookin' in. Cause we about to see a whole other era in doling out a fuckin' hard-ass whippin'.

The thing is, Whipmaster Charlie don't too much like what's been goin' on in the world lately. You see, I been too busy gettin' fat on dem salty goobers and makin' it real good with some hot mamas. So that's where this new resolution come in. We got some bitches out there that's really makin' my ass pucker. So my promise to all yous JUhS readers out there is to whip some sense into their dumbass noggins. While I been gone, the President o' the USA been bombin' him some I-rackees. His little right-hand bitch been shootin' off old man faces. President Ahmadin-his-face of Iran been makin' all sorts a trouble. Al Zarqwai Mahoomed been bombin' some more I-rackees. My man Dave Chapelle been goin' to South Africa for some soul-searchin' an' leavin' us with subpar television. Them hard rock music bands all been shot to hell. Scott Stapp done lost his god damn mind. We got us an angry-as-shit Sun God called Yousef. Lord, I could go on all day. But y'all mothafuckers aready know all about that shit.

And I knows you be wantin' ole Charlie here to do somethin' about it. So I'm just gonna climb off the Whipmistress, grab me my trusty whip, and get to work. I ain't no lazy bastard no more, and people of the Johnny U, frankly ... you deserve better. We got some fine ass pieces of work at JUhS. Mean ass bitches like The Radical Tad, Bad Poetry Guy, Nels St. Claire, Sweaty Frank Viola, The Ghost of Chris Penn, Crotchless, Demented Ryan Seacrest, Tits Drexler, Salazar Scuttle, Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary, Mike, Derek, Andy, Andrew, my favorite badass of them all, Vincent Gallo, and let's not forget Wilbur FUCKIN' Burris. That is a veritable shitload of talent right there. And with a slight bit of help from the Whipmaster, we'll be takin' care of some shit in no time. So don't you folks worry. If you hear some news on CNN or Google or Drudge, and some ass-kickin' is goin' on, you best be knowin' it's the JUhS whippin' into action. YIEEEEE!

Whip it,
Whipmaster Charlie

DEREK 360: WACKY Streets

Today I am not going to talk about Scott Stapp (or his sex tape). I'm going to stifle my ire for that buffoon just long enough to have some harmless fun discussing an online poll just completed over at The Car Connection.com. The poll was to determine the WACKIEST street names in the country. The results were as follows (with my inane comments):

10. Tater Peeler Road
(Lebanon, TX)
Is this one WACKY? I don't get it.
09. The intersection of Count and Basie
(Richmond, VA)
This one is really hip for the jazz crowd. Regular readers David K. and Fred J. are bound to appreciate this one.
08. Shades of Death Road
(Warren County, NJ)
My personal favorite.
07. Unexpected Road
(Buena, NJ)
This one is lame. It's not wacky. It's just lame.
06. Bucket of Blood Street
(Holbrook, AZ)
This is a well known street in the circles of the occult (which I frequent). It's well known for being the most hardcore street in the country. People have been known to wander aimlessly down B.o.B. St. and never return. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of Arizona. One time I heard about this one dude who was walking his dog on "Bile Is A Good Aftershave Drive" (which is an adjoining street). His dog skipped away and ran over into B.o.B. St. The dude just waited outside the street for a few minutes before a dog-sized bat thing came flying out of the fog that was, of course, descended all throughout B.o.B. St. The Dogbat was on fire and reeked of sulfur and dead.
05. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity
(Houston, TX)
Trite political humor.
04. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup
(Albany, GA)
I have nothing to say here.
03. Farfrompoopen Road
(TN)
This one on the list had a note with it that, "this is the only road up to Constipation Ridge". That is fucking disgusting. Do these people live in a little township called Shit Town? That name is most definitely WACKY.
02. Divorce Court
(Heather Heights, PA)
This one is so funny.
01. Pyscho Path
(Traverse City, MI)
The simplicity here is what crowned this one the top banana here in the WACKY street name poll.

That's all I've got. I'm spent. Too much WACKY. Uhhhhhh.

-Derek

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial (Sort Of...)

Hello. This is going to be short and to the point.

Directions:

1.) CLICK HERE

2.) Blame Vincent Gallo.

3.) Repent.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy

Next post: There's an Andy (JUhS) and an Andrew (JUhS). Those posting names are too similar. Someone needs to change. Who and what. That's next time.

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to offend people

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We pleaded with Mr. Gallo to not post this particular entry. It is not journalistic and it is not informative. Mr. Gallo took out a ball of hair and just pointed at it. He said "D'you want to eat this?" We, as it turns out, did not want to eat it so here is his column. We apologize.


Hey there shitbirds. It's me and I'm gonna teach you a little bit about a little bit. Gather round the campfire and suck my dick. Listen up. So you want to offend some people? You wanna make some mother-fuckers get all up in arms about some shit? Well here is a step by step way to make that happen.

1. Type (or yell, if being done in a public setting) the following word:

CUNT

That's all there is to it. Goodnight you fucks.

-Vincent Gallo

Song of the week.

This is gonna sound like music snobbery (or is it snobishness?) but 2005 was a very unspecial year for music in my opinion. A lot of very good albums came out, some of them I may even call great, but none of them were spectacular. This week's song of the week comes from one of those great albums of 2005. The New Pornographers released Twin Cinema in August and this song stood out to me. I like the New Pornos but after a while their sound is so tight that it gets tired. This song deviated from their typical formula slightly and for that reason it was my favorite song off of what was one of the great (not spectacular) albums of 2005. I've got a good feeling about 2006 though...

Enjoy!

New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show

-Derek

Nels' News

I found this in an alternative lifestyle periodical in Baltimore. Maybe this guy can find what he's looking for through the Johnny U.


-Nels St. Claire

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Tingle Wings"

I see you down by the depot.
Oh no.
I'm just so far from you.
Coo coo.
I see you hold the hand of the man I can never be.
And I,
Cry.

But not for long, my sweet little girl.
I've got my tingle wings on
and I'm flying to you.

I see you looking at that Monet.
No way.
You are alone in the museum.
Ho hum.
I see you lurch forward and fall to your knees.
And I,
DIEEEEEEEEEEE.

I AM DEAD.
DEAD LIKE A THOUSAND ARMIES DEAD.

-Bad Poetry Guy

Happy Valentine's Day from the JUhS

Feel free to scribble these greetings down onto a card and give to your special love muffin (For a nominal fee)
NOTE - The box your condoms come in with some work from some watercolors make great cards

Your love is like shoelaces...it keeps my shoes on my feet but still can trip me up

Your love is like Oscar the Grouch. Green, lives in a trashcan and bad tempered.
or
Your love is like a trashcan. Full of rotten bananas and Oscar the Grouch.

To you, my Katrina Survivor Lover,
Please. Don’t let the hurricane be the only thing that blows me this year. Meet me in the Super Dome. You wear those waders I love so much and I’ll bring the chocolates and TV I stole.

My Cowboy Lover. You be Heath. I’ll be Jake. Hope we don’t get AIDS. Don’t tell my wife.

Your love is like colored socks. Awesome and trendy.

My lady with a heart the color of a ruby. Your love is like menthol cigarettes, primarily consumed by black people.

Katie -
My alien loins are swollen for you. I promise NOT to shoplift the pootie.

-Tom

My Patriotic Love. Your heart is like Dick Cheney’s…which makes me worried. DON’T SHOOT! HAHA!

My Human Lady Lover,

Your love is more refreshing and fulfilling than my pet sheep and you kiss better than my sister. Thank you for not judging. Happy Heart Love Day!

-Jade

Sweet pretty lady. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Tookie is dead, soon you will be too. (Why’d you leave me?)

My whole bodied woman: roses are red, violets are blue. Terri Schiavo was a hot piece. But, not as hot as you.

My E-Harmony Hottie,
I’m tired of banging my keyboard late into the night. Come join me and let me bang something else.

Like your head with this hammer.

Love,
ThunderKisses221
(22 M, 5’9”/200/Green/Black)

You are easily my chocha of the year. Let’s make mean consensual, adult sex.

Sweet Princess Face: my love for you is like “Arrested Development” genius and cancelled.

My Romantic, Saucy Terrorist Lady: Put your veil back on, I’m having trouble concentrating.

Mi Senorita de Juarez, Mexico: Your love lifts me high off the ground! But, disrespect me again and you’ll be in it with your sisters.

My wife Janet -
Your stripes are black. Your stripes are white. Bet with my money again and you’ll be dead by that night.

Love and slapshots,
Wayne G. (The Great One…and don’t you forget it)

My Laci Valentine -
Let’s go fishing!

Your husband,
Scott

p.s. - Is your will in order?

My Sexy Maurice Clarett -
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Let’s make out and let me rob people with you.

I’m CraZY,
Barret Robbins

Dearest Sweets,
Your face is beautiful. With you, love I am in. Now take off your pants. Let's make dirty sin.

Hi My Temptress,
The sun is rising. My wife is in traction. Soon she will be gone. Now, give me some adulterous action.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
-Cupid

Song of the week.

It is time for a special Valentines Day edition of "Song of the week". With that in mind, I give you "Crazy on You" by Heart. This song epitomizes what Valentines Day should be all about. It gets past the bullshit commercialism. The heart shaped cards, the silly stuffed animals and the boxes of candy. This song skips all of those pleasantries and gets right down to the business of getting down. So tonight, as you're sitting at the dinner table with your sweetie, throw the Hallmark cards and Russell Stover candies down and look him/her in the eye and say:

"There's nothing left to do tonight, but go CRAAAAZZZZZZY on you."

Enjoy!

Heart - Crazy on you

-Derek

DEREK 360: Scott Stapp

Let's talk for a minute here about Scott Stapp.
Let's try and discuss the man behind the ridiculous music and behavior.
Let's try not to let our own personal ire towards this man cloud the facts this time.
Let's try and just present Scott's case and then base our opinions about him on that case.

With that in mind, allow me to present some information (in reverse chronological order).

EXHIBIT A:
Scott Stapp got married on Friday to Jaclyn Nesheiwat. Ms. Nesheiwat is a former Miss New York who now lives in Miami. They were married in a ceremony at the Vizcaya Museum and Gardens in Miami. I'm sure it was a beautiful sight. I'd be willing to bet that Scott Stapp wept openly as he read his vows. At that moment Scott Stapp was doing well.
-THEN-
Saturday morning rolls around and Scotty and Mrs. Scotty need to jetset down to Hawaii to enjoy some sun and fun. Unfortunately Scott had had some drinks (of the alcoholic variety) and was arrested by airport police for being publicly intoxicated. He was barred from boarding the plane because of his "boisterous" and "antagonistic" behavior. Then (and this is my favorite part) Stapp demanded a breathalizer test, which he failed.

EXHIBIT B:
Scotty too hotty is asked to come in to tape an episode of "Casino Cinema". The show is one of the many tired celebrity poker shows popping up all over the place. Scott was asked to come on the show and Scott loves poker so at that moment Scott was doing well.
-THEN-
Scott shows up on set and is obviously drunk (as fuck). He slurs his words, curses, claims Dave Grohl has "a little cock" and demands a kiss from the shows female cohost.

EXHIBIT C:
Scott Stapp meets 311 in a bar. He approaches 311 and tells them he is a fan. 311 and Stapp enjoy a fleeting moment of (drunken) conversation. At that moment Scott Stapp was doing well.
-THEN-
Stapp utters, "311, I am ready to fight," and the highly publicised bar fight between 311 and Stapp starts.

EXHIBIT D (my personal favorite):
Scott Stapp and his band Creed were enjoying success so they decided to go on tour. At that moment Scott was doing well.
-THEN-
During a gig in Chicago for the "Weathered" tour Stappy made some mistakes. He drank half a bottle of Jack before the show and then staggered out there to greet the Creed faithful. He got all the words wrong on five songs and then left the stage. He was certain that the show was over. He went backstage and laid down on a couch. His bandmate, Mark Tremonti, had to tell the crowd of Chicagoans that he'd "be right back" while he went to fetch Stapp. He got Stapp back on stage and the problems just escalated. Stapp removed his shirt and shoes (but not his socks) and laid on his back. He fell over a monitor while walking backwards and singing at one point. He also mixed up the lyrics of the two hit Creed songs, "With Arms Wide Open" and "Higher" and sang the wrong lyrics with the wrong song.


After viewing this information my original belief that Scott Stapp is a total idiot is simply reinforced.
-Derek

Brokeback to the Basics

Let's get this straight. The movie was fine. A career-defining moment for the director and many of the actors involved. I personally enjoyed watching it. It was well-filmed and rightfully placed in many crtitics' 2005 top ten lists. But please, citizens of the world (and non-JUhS members everywhere), let's not get carried away. It's a movie about two gay cowboys. Respectfully portrayed, a wonderful love story, but ... two gay cowboys. Nothing to write home about, really. It's as if the population has been reduced to snickering pre-teens. Most of us have seen the faux-trailer Brokeback to the Future. Slightly more than mildly amusing, I must admit. But please, I beseech all social editorializers, let this end where it began. There's nothing ahead of us that can't easily be predicted, if we take but a moment. I submit to you a list of what may well be referenced in future Brokeback Mountain parodies. This list will, well ... suck. I present it as a warning. The way I see it, if it's recorded here, it can no longer be an original thought. Feel free to add your ideas to the comment area. It will be for the greater good.

1) Brokeback in the Saddle Again
2) Brokeback that Ass Up
3) Brokeback in the Day (When I Was Young, I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Somedays, I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again...)
4) Brokeback to Back to Back National Champions
5) Brokebackslider!
6) Brokeback Spasms
7) Brokeback to School Sale
8) Brokebackwater Hick
9) Broke-little-black-back Pack
10) Brokeback in the U.S.S.R.


-Andrew
[Proud JUhS member since 2006!]

p.s. - As a follow-up comment to the latest "Through the Aperture of Andy", let it be known that I have never seen Grey's Anatomy. But my girlfriend has, and she loves it. Therefore, his editorial must be correct in all aspects (based solely on this one example, of course). Thank you.