Vincent Gallo Presents: How to flirt online

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We would also like to encourage everyone to read the article that Mr. Gallo is plagiarizing. It can be found here. It really sucks.


That's right you fuckin' bastards. I'm back. Back from the fucking dead. I was submitting articles to this shitty blog for the last like two months but Derek, that fucking hack, wasn't posting them. Maybe one of these days he'll release them as the "Lost Gallo Articles" or some other commercialized bullshit thing. I hate that guy. I hate this blog. I hate skiing. I hate-

Oh wait...you guys want to know how to flirt online. Fine. Here's some tips.

1. Humor is your ally.
Basically what this means is that if you're funny you'll get fucking laid. If you're not funny you can go ahead and service yourself for the millionth time. If you're not funny you may as well go ahead and swallow some fucking bullets, because you're never gonna get fucking laid. Unless you're rich. Or a rapist. Next tip.

2. Keep it simple.
Don't talk a bunch of shit about how you know every fucking character in the whole goddamn Star Wars universe. Don't brag about how you can do some ghoulish shit like stapling your dick to your stomach. No one cares about the fact that you're a fuckin' freak. Tip one tells you that people just want you to be funny. Not interesting. Fucking funny.

3. Hand out compliments.
Examples:
"Hey bitch, you look unfat in your picture."
"You look so good that I actually don't want to kill you."
"I want to fuck you."

You know, compliments. Use your fuckin' head.

Here's a little bonus for you shit kids. I'm gonna go ahead and list some questions that you pathetic, spineless mother-fuckers can use when your too chicken-shit to meet someone face to face and you want to simply email them until you get whatever fucked up jollies you can from a relationship as weak and pointless as that. Put a few of these in an email and let the object of your e-affections do the rest.

*Where did you get that fantastic smile?
*What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
*Have you seen Buffalo '66? You should. It's great.
*How long have you played guitar?
*Why are you so fucking ugly?
*What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
*Do you fuck in the ass?

With the fuckin' tips I've laid out for you shitty, fucking, fat-fuck, mother-fuckers you should be able to score some Internet sex in no time. Cyber sex? That's what it's called right? This shit is disgusting.

-Vincent Gallo