Dannielynn Paternity Watch: LARRY'S THE DADDY (15 days)

Dannielynn here.

It's been a hectic few weeks since I last checked in with my JUhS friends. I'm trying to relax, but it hasn't been easy. Baby stuff, you know? It's a hard life. Teething, shitting myself, sucking down capirinhas in the Bahamas, washing up unconscious on the beach every morning with sandy diaper rash (Desitin motherfuckers!), snorting heroin mixed with my dead mom's and brother's ashes. Some heavy shit.

And things just got worse.


A hell of a lot worse. Turns out Larry Birkhead, after the requisite DNA tests and likely payoffs, is the daddy. And not the "Johnny Founding Dad Dude" sort of daddy. He's the "Steal All My Money And Leave Me In A Texas Trailer With My Ogre Grandma" sort of daddy. Just look at this guy.


You think he's that happy because he has a new infant in tow? Is that what you would do if you suddenly found out you had a kid? Fuck no. That's a "I'm fucking rich, you cocksuckers!!!" pose. What a douche.

But I'm not here for your pity. Oh no. I need some help again. I pledged in my previous letter that if Larry Dickhead was my dad, I would "find any means possible to end my suffering." That wasn't a joke. I'm gonna off myself quick, and I need your help.

I'm not growing up to be a nappy-headed ho. I'm just not. I know I've got options. What's it gonna be?

1) Hanging
Too cliché, and I can't tie ropes yet.

2) Gun to Head
Again, sort of trite. Not very exciting. Messy. Loud. Gotta be something better.

3) Pills
One thing I'm not is a copycat. Worked for Momma and Bro-bro ... but I won't touch the stuff.

4) Kamikaze
Not with today's airport security.

5) Self-immolation
Now we're talking.

6) Self-defenestration
Another ritzy choice, but I may have trouble reaching the window sill.

7) Seppuku (hara-kiri)
If I can't be a princess in life, I may as well have a samurai's death.

8) Dynamite in the Mouth
Messy. Loud. Kind of awesome.

I need to get this over with soon people. I'm open to suggestions.

Smooches,
Dannielynn

PS - HAPPY BELATED EASTER!
XOXOOOXOXOXOXXXOXOXOXOOOXOXOXO