JUhS Exclusive: Dannielynn Smith Speaks

First of all, I'd like to thank all the Johnny Utah Symposium members for giving me a platform to communicate with the public here today. All too often, the voices of former Playboy Playmate of the Year and reality TV entertainer's five-month old daughters go unheard. Today we can finally say this wrong has be unwronged. It has been righted. Thank you, Johnny U.

Alright.

You may be thinking, "Excuse me, five-month old children cannot talk, much less write ... the hell is this?" I would reply thusly: are you that surprised? After all that has occurred in the circus-that-was-my-mother's-life, the life of one Anna Nicole Smith, is it completely out of the question? Of course not. Just run with it.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I was completely fucked off my face for the second and third trimesters. My mother rammed enough shit through her system to kill Barbaro ... faster. But she survived. For long enough to birth me, anyhow. And do you know how she did it? Me, you assholes. All that toxicity got sucked into my head. Here's a table to illustrate just how bad it was:


But instead of killing me, it somehow morphed my tiny unborn fetus brain into a radioactive mash of super intelligence. Great. Now I'll actually be smart enough to realize how pathetic and unfullfilling my existence will inevitably become. The rest of my family jaunted along in blissful ignorance, lucky bastards. I'm left here, robbed even of my youth.

But I will be a millionaire, so there's that.

However ... there are some serious dickheads who will, as surely as we can be sure of anything, try to take my money. We all know this. That's why I've enlisted the help of the Johnny U and its readers. I badly need to make the least horrible choice here. Which of these people do I want to be my daddy? Let me give you the rundown.

1) Howard K. Stern (Jew)
This is the head douchebag of the group. Just look at this asshole. Unfortunately, it looks like he's most likely to get his hands on the sweet green. This cannot happen. There's gotta be someone better than this, right? RIGHT?

2) Larry Birkhead (Photographer)
Again, as you perhaps can tell, huge douchebag. If he wins, my intellect will be used to find any means possible to end my suffering. And soon.

3) Prince Frederic von Anhalt (Husband to Zsa Zsa Gabor, Badass)
I'm rooting for this guy. Princess Dannielynn? Hell yes. Unfortunately, he's insane. And probably not the daddy. One can hope.

4) Vergie Arthur (Mother of ANS, Grammie)
See #2. If this monstrous woman is my daddy, death will come swiftly.

5) Alexander Denk (Bodyguard)
The good news: if he's the father, I will immediately lose all intelligence, by the looks of it. The bad news: that will make it harder to end my life.

6) Nuke Gingrich (Blogger)
Pros: Beer, Sunny locale
Cons: Straw hat, Full of shit

7) J. Howard Marshall II (Former husband of ANS, Deceased, Badass)
Ohh, the good ol' days. The source of my supposed wealth. It's been alleged that I was borne of his frozen seed. This is my straightest route to the hard cash.

So what do you think? I can tell you one thing, it's looking bleak for me. If there's anyway to avoid the end that has thusfar been laid out for me (lying facedown in a mix of blood, glass shards, and my own vomit in the empty hottub of an abandoned reality television set), please help me. Whichever choice, one through seven, just show me the scratch. It's my only hope...

Sincerely,
Dannielynn

PS - Happy Valentine's Day!
XOXOXO