Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Return of Whipmaster Charlie



Hey bitches!

Whipmaster Charlie here ... same ole Chuck, brand new venue, got me? Still lovin' thems Goober Peas (peas!) and still whippin' those bitches into shape! I'm so honored to be a Johnny Utah member, that I made a New Year Resolution for y'alls asses. You see, in my old age, I been gettin' a little soft in the whippin' department. You might say I ain't been livin' up to the title of Whipmaster. But that's all abouts to change in the next few weeks. And it's all startin' here at the Johnny U. Y'all be wantin' to count yourselves a might bit lucky that you a member or devoted reader, and not on the outside lookin' in. Cause we about to see a whole other era in doling out a fuckin' hard-ass whippin'.

The thing is, Whipmaster Charlie don't too much like what's been goin' on in the world lately. You see, I been too busy gettin' fat on dem salty goobers and makin' it real good with some hot mamas. So that's where this new resolution come in. We got some bitches out there that's really makin' my ass pucker. So my promise to all yous JUhS readers out there is to whip some sense into their dumbass noggins. While I been gone, the President o' the USA been bombin' him some I-rackees. His little right-hand bitch been shootin' off old man faces. President Ahmadin-his-face of Iran been makin' all sorts a trouble. Al Zarqwai Mahoomed been bombin' some more I-rackees. My man Dave Chapelle been goin' to South Africa for some soul-searchin' an' leavin' us with subpar television. Them hard rock music bands all been shot to hell. Scott Stapp done lost his god damn mind. We got us an angry-as-shit Sun God called Yousef. Lord, I could go on all day. But y'all mothafuckers aready know all about that shit.

And I knows you be wantin' ole Charlie here to do somethin' about it. So I'm just gonna climb off the Whipmistress, grab me my trusty whip, and get to work. I ain't no lazy bastard no more, and people of the Johnny U, frankly ... you deserve better. We got some fine ass pieces of work at JUhS. Mean ass bitches like The Radical Tad, Bad Poetry Guy, Nels St. Claire, Sweaty Frank Viola, The Ghost of Chris Penn, Crotchless, Demented Ryan Seacrest, Tits Drexler, Salazar Scuttle, Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary, Mike, Derek, Andy, Andrew, my favorite badass of them all, Vincent Gallo, and let's not forget Wilbur FUCKIN' Burris. That is a veritable shitload of talent right there. And with a slight bit of help from the Whipmaster, we'll be takin' care of some shit in no time. So don't you folks worry. If you hear some news on CNN or Google or Drudge, and some ass-kickin' is goin' on, you best be knowin' it's the JUhS whippin' into action. YIEEEEE!

Whip it,
Whipmaster Charlie

Friday, February 24, 2006

DEREK 360: WACKY Streets

Today I am not going to talk about Scott Stapp (or his sex tape). I'm going to stifle my ire for that buffoon just long enough to have some harmless fun discussing an online poll just completed over at The Car Connection.com. The poll was to determine the WACKIEST street names in the country. The results were as follows (with my inane comments):

10. Tater Peeler Road
(Lebanon, TX)
Is this one WACKY? I don't get it.
09. The intersection of Count and Basie
(Richmond, VA)
This one is really hip for the jazz crowd. Regular readers David K. and Fred J. are bound to appreciate this one.
08. Shades of Death Road
(Warren County, NJ)
My personal favorite.
07. Unexpected Road
(Buena, NJ)
This one is lame. It's not wacky. It's just lame.
06. Bucket of Blood Street
(Holbrook, AZ)
This is a well known street in the circles of the occult (which I frequent). It's well known for being the most hardcore street in the country. People have been known to wander aimlessly down B.o.B. St. and never return. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of Arizona. One time I heard about this one dude who was walking his dog on "Bile Is A Good Aftershave Drive" (which is an adjoining street). His dog skipped away and ran over into B.o.B. St. The dude just waited outside the street for a few minutes before a dog-sized bat thing came flying out of the fog that was, of course, descended all throughout B.o.B. St. The Dogbat was on fire and reeked of sulfur and dead.
05. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity
(Houston, TX)
Trite political humor.
04. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup
(Albany, GA)
I have nothing to say here.
03. Farfrompoopen Road
(TN)
This one on the list had a note with it that, "this is the only road up to Constipation Ridge". That is fucking disgusting. Do these people live in a little township called Shit Town? That name is most definitely WACKY.
02. Divorce Court
(Heather Heights, PA)
This one is so funny.
01. Pyscho Path
(Traverse City, MI)
The simplicity here is what crowned this one the top banana here in the WACKY street name poll.

That's all I've got. I'm spent. Too much WACKY. Uhhhhhh.

-Derek

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial (Sort Of...)

Hello. This is going to be short and to the point.

Directions:

1.) CLICK HERE

2.) Blame Vincent Gallo.

3.) Repent.

And that's the world through the aperture of Andy

Next post: There's an Andy (JUhS) and an Andrew (JUhS). Those posting names are too similar. Someone needs to change. Who and what. That's next time.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to offend people

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. We pleaded with Mr. Gallo to not post this particular entry. It is not journalistic and it is not informative. Mr. Gallo took out a ball of hair and just pointed at it. He said "D'you want to eat this?" We, as it turns out, did not want to eat it so here is his column. We apologize.


Hey there shitbirds. It's me and I'm gonna teach you a little bit about a little bit. Gather round the campfire and suck my dick. Listen up. So you want to offend some people? You wanna make some mother-fuckers get all up in arms about some shit? Well here is a step by step way to make that happen.

1. Type (or yell, if being done in a public setting) the following word:

CUNT

That's all there is to it. Goodnight you fucks.

-Vincent Gallo

Monday, February 20, 2006

Song of the week.

This is gonna sound like music snobbery (or is it snobishness?) but 2005 was a very unspecial year for music in my opinion. A lot of very good albums came out, some of them I may even call great, but none of them were spectacular. This week's song of the week comes from one of those great albums of 2005. The New Pornographers released Twin Cinema in August and this song stood out to me. I like the New Pornos but after a while their sound is so tight that it gets tired. This song deviated from their typical formula slightly and for that reason it was my favorite song off of what was one of the great (not spectacular) albums of 2005. I've got a good feeling about 2006 though...

Enjoy!

New Pornographers - The Bleeding Heart Show

-Derek

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Nels' News

I found this in an alternative lifestyle periodical in Baltimore. Maybe this guy can find what he's looking for through the Johnny U.


-Nels St. Claire

Bad Poetry Guy Presents: "Tingle Wings"

I see you down by the depot.
Oh no.
I'm just so far from you.
Coo coo.
I see you hold the hand of the man I can never be.
And I,
Cry.

But not for long, my sweet little girl.
I've got my tingle wings on
and I'm flying to you.

I see you looking at that Monet.
No way.
You are alone in the museum.
Ho hum.
I see you lurch forward and fall to your knees.
And I,
DIEEEEEEEEEEE.

I AM DEAD.
DEAD LIKE A THOUSAND ARMIES DEAD.

-Bad Poetry Guy

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day from the JUhS

Feel free to scribble these greetings down onto a card and give to your special love muffin (For a nominal fee)
NOTE - The box your condoms come in with some work from some watercolors make great cards

Your love is like shoelaces...it keeps my shoes on my feet but still can trip me up

Your love is like Oscar the Grouch. Green, lives in a trashcan and bad tempered.
or
Your love is like a trashcan. Full of rotten bananas and Oscar the Grouch.

To you, my Katrina Survivor Lover,
Please. Don’t let the hurricane be the only thing that blows me this year. Meet me in the Super Dome. You wear those waders I love so much and I’ll bring the chocolates and TV I stole.

My Cowboy Lover. You be Heath. I’ll be Jake. Hope we don’t get AIDS. Don’t tell my wife.

Your love is like colored socks. Awesome and trendy.

My lady with a heart the color of a ruby. Your love is like menthol cigarettes, primarily consumed by black people.

Katie -
My alien loins are swollen for you. I promise NOT to shoplift the pootie.

-Tom

My Patriotic Love. Your heart is like Dick Cheney’s…which makes me worried. DON’T SHOOT! HAHA!

My Human Lady Lover,

Your love is more refreshing and fulfilling than my pet sheep and you kiss better than my sister. Thank you for not judging. Happy Heart Love Day!

-Jade

Sweet pretty lady. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Tookie is dead, soon you will be too. (Why’d you leave me?)

My whole bodied woman: roses are red, violets are blue. Terri Schiavo was a hot piece. But, not as hot as you.

My E-Harmony Hottie,
I’m tired of banging my keyboard late into the night. Come join me and let me bang something else.

Like your head with this hammer.

Love,
ThunderKisses221
(22 M, 5’9”/200/Green/Black)

You are easily my chocha of the year. Let’s make mean consensual, adult sex.

Sweet Princess Face: my love for you is like “Arrested Development” genius and cancelled.

My Romantic, Saucy Terrorist Lady: Put your veil back on, I’m having trouble concentrating.

Mi Senorita de Juarez, Mexico: Your love lifts me high off the ground! But, disrespect me again and you’ll be in it with your sisters.

My wife Janet -
Your stripes are black. Your stripes are white. Bet with my money again and you’ll be dead by that night.

Love and slapshots,
Wayne G. (The Great One…and don’t you forget it)

My Laci Valentine -
Let’s go fishing!

Your husband,
Scott

p.s. - Is your will in order?


My Sexy Maurice Clarett -
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Let’s make out and let me rob people with you.

I’m CraZY,
Barret Robbins


Dearest Sweets,
Your face is beautiful. With you, love I am in. Now take off your pants. Let's make dirty sin.

Hi My Temptress,
The sun is rising. My wife is in traction. Soon she will be gone. Now, give me some adulterous action.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
-Cupid

Song of the week.


It is time for a special Valentines Day edition of "Song of the week". With that in mind, I give you "Crazy on You" by Heart. This song epitomizes what Valentines Day should be all about. It gets past the bullshit commercialism. The heart shaped cards, the silly stuffed animals and the boxes of candy. This song skips all of those pleasantries and gets right down to the business of getting down. So tonight, as you're sitting at the dinner table with your sweetie, throw the Hallmark cards and Russell Stover candies down and look him/her in the eye and say:

"There's nothing left to do tonight, but go CRAAAAZZZZZZY on you."

Enjoy!

Heart - Crazy on you

-Derek

Monday, February 13, 2006

DEREK 360: Scott Stapp

Let's talk for a minute here about Scott Stapp.
Let's try and discuss the man behind the ridiculous music and behavior.
Let's try not to let our own personal ire towards this man cloud the facts this time.
Let's try and just present Scott's case and then base our opinions about him on that case.

With that in mind, allow me to present some information (in reverse chronological order).

EXHIBIT A:
Scott Stapp got married on Friday to Jaclyn Nesheiwat. Ms. Nesheiwat is a former Miss New York who now lives in Miami. They were married in a ceremony at the Vizcaya Museum and Gardens in Miami. I'm sure it was a beautiful sight. I'd be willing to bet that Scott Stapp wept openly as he read his vows. At that moment Scott Stapp was doing well.
-THEN-
Saturday morning rolls around and Scotty and Mrs. Scotty need to jetset down to Hawaii to enjoy some sun and fun. Unfortunately Scott had had some drinks (of the alcoholic variety) and was arrested by airport police for being publicly intoxicated. He was barred from boarding the plane because of his "boisterous" and "antagonistic" behavior. Then (and this is my favorite part) Stapp demanded a breathalizer test, which he failed.

EXHIBIT B:
Scotty too hotty is asked to come in to tape an episode of "Casino Cinema". The show is one of the many tired celebrity poker shows popping up all over the place. Scott was asked to come on the show and Scott loves poker so at that moment Scott was doing well.
-THEN-
Scott shows up on set and is obviously drunk (as fuck). He slurs his words, curses, claims Dave Grohl has "a little cock" and demands a kiss from the shows female cohost.

EXHIBIT C:
Scott Stapp meets 311 in a bar. He approaches 311 and tells them he is a fan. 311 and Stapp enjoy a fleeting moment of (drunken) conversation. At that moment Scott Stapp was doing well.
-THEN-
Stapp utters, "311, I am ready to fight," and the highly publicised bar fight between 311 and Stapp starts.

EXHIBIT D (my personal favorite):
Scott Stapp and his band Creed were enjoying success so they decided to go on tour. At that moment Scott was doing well.
-THEN-
During a gig in Chicago for the "Weathered" tour Stappy made some mistakes. He drank half a bottle of Jack before the show and then staggered out there to greet the Creed faithful. He got all the words wrong on five songs and then left the stage. He was certain that the show was over. He went backstage and laid down on a couch. His bandmate, Mark Tremonti, had to tell the crowd of Chicagoans that he'd "be right back" while he went to fetch Stapp. He got Stapp back on stage and the problems just escalated. Stapp removed his shirt and shoes (but not his socks) and laid on his back. He fell over a monitor while walking backwards and singing at one point. He also mixed up the lyrics of the two hit Creed songs, "With Arms Wide Open" and "Higher" and sang the wrong lyrics with the wrong song.


After viewing this information my original belief that Scott Stapp is a total idiot is simply reinforced.
-Derek

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Brokeback to the Basics

Let's get this straight. The movie was fine. A career-defining moment for the director and many of the actors involved. I personally enjoyed watching it. It was well-filmed and rightfully placed in many crtitics' 2005 top ten lists. But please, citizens of the world (and non-JUhS members everywhere), let's not get carried away. It's a movie about two gay cowboys. Respectfully portrayed, a wonderful love story, but ... two gay cowboys. Nothing to write home about, really. It's as if the population has been reduced to snickering pre-teens. Most of us have seen the faux-trailer Brokeback to the Future. Slightly more than mildly amusing, I must admit. But please, I beseech all social editorializers, let this end where it began. There's nothing ahead of us that can't easily be predicted, if we take but a moment. I submit to you a list of what may well be referenced in future Brokeback Mountain parodies. This list will, well ... suck. I present it as a warning. The way I see it, if it's recorded here, it can no longer be an original thought. Feel free to add your ideas to the comment area. It will be for the greater good.

1) Brokeback in the Saddle Again
2) Brokeback that Ass Up
3) Brokeback in the Day (When I Was Young, I'm Not a Kid Anymore, But Somedays, I Sit and Wish I Was a Kid Again...)
4) Brokeback to Back to Back National Champions
5) Brokebackslider!
6) Brokeback Spasms
7) Brokeback to School Sale
8) Brokebackwater Hick
9) Broke-little-black-back Pack
10) Brokeback in the U.S.S.R.


-Andrew
[Proud JUhS member since 2006!]

p.s. - As a follow-up comment to the latest "Through the Aperture of Andy", let it be known that I have never seen Grey's Anatomy. But my girlfriend has, and she loves it. Therefore, his editorial must be correct in all aspects (based solely on this one example, of course). Thank you.

Through the Aperture of Andy: An Editorial

Keys to hit tv show: everyday, normal looking, cute girl...in a hospital with a just out of reach love interest...borderline zany, but heart warming supporting characters...peppered with oh so delicious lines like: "Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."...and coast on appropriately themed indie-pop tracks played in the background. Oh yeah, and set in a hospital.

Holy bleep. That's like trying to give a fried snickers bar covered in chocolate syrup and powdered sugar to a really fat dude who likes sweets. THAT'S how much of a hit you have there with those ingredients. ...And THAT'S what you have with ABC's "Grey's Anatomy".

You know what else you have with "Grey's Anatomy" (or "Grey's")? The most frustratingly, absurdly nothing of a show of all time. Yes, it's the most popular show with girls age 2 weeks to 110 years (I'm not positive on those stats, so don't quote me...but I'm pretty sure they're kind of not too incorrect), but that's just the proof I need that this show sucks. I mean it's full of chick propaganda. The anti-fairytale, fairytale. ...And don't get me wrong...I LOOOVE THE WOMEN...but women are no good at everything (to borrow from Homer Simpson and Brian Fantana....which will get me off on a whole other anger tangent about quoting that movie).

Let me sum up an episode: "Hey! I'm a woman. Not just a woman. A grown up woman. Isn't that redundant? (note - that's where canned laughter would be put in...if there were a laugh track...and where all viewing women pause to reflect and agree with this statement) And not just a grown up woman a grown up DOCTOR woman. And I'm in love. And love sucks! Now let's talk to my co-workers as they talk about their vaginas! Oh gah! I remember when we were kids and we were going to be married! But now, I may not get married. Wow. I hate men. I love making out. I hate me! And that's ok!"

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? What is wrong with women?! Are they all THIS depressed and put-out with life to the point that a whole show about accepting getting crapped on by life but then life hangs a carrot in front of you on a stick and a string like a cartoon donkey and cart only to pull it away from you just when you're about to nourish your hunger and then crap on you again? HOLY CRAP!!! WOMEN! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS!!!

...IT'S FRUSTRATING! And you chicks just eat it up! "OH! THAT'S MY AWAY MESSAGE TOMORROW!" That's an actual quote spoken from the mouth of one female viewer named Liz who shall go nameless, while watching part 1 of the Code Black fiasco. The power this show has! Only 2 things in history have carried more weight: the Bible and Hitler!

Just check out The Facebook! "There's got to be way over 1,000 chicks who put this down on their interests!" exclaimed Derek in reference to just the OU Facebook. And then there's the occasional dude who also says they "like" it. Give it up, assholes. We all know you just put that on there so chicks will go: "Awww." But even then, this damn show should teach them to look out for assholes like that...but they don't learn! What we have here is the new The Notebook. (Except, I admit, I like that...that's a whole contradiction that we'll get into at a later date). It's St. Elmo's Fire set in a hospital. It's ER without any trace of Clooney, Eriq La Salle karate punch, and any action...with the exception of the latest "Code Black" story line...which ended pretty alright...but was still absurd.

I can't fully describe this show. It's not rhetoric. It's not...pretentious. It's just....stupid and frustrating.

All I can say, as I wrap up this entry that I'm sure is out of left field and doesn't capture the fiery passionate frustration I have with this show, is that "Grey's Anatomy" is the most annoying thing on tv.

...That and John Buccigross.

How about this: "What Christopher Carrabba is to Dashboard Confessional, "Grey's Anatomy" and John Buccigross are to tv." Stupid, shitty, and bloated all around...and sucky....and ruining all sorts of stuff.

-Andy

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary Presents: The Finer Things in Life





What's up Pimps and Pimptresses? What it is? Salutations! Hello. Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary here to 'spose you to the finer things in life. Today, I give you: CHAMPAGNE.

Ladies love the bubbly. But Cris is so played out. If you offer champage to your fly brizzle and they turn their nose up at anything less than Cris. You gots da do two thing-things. One: drop that zer-ho and get yo'self a down ass bitch. Two: whip out the NEW CRIS and then enjoy it with your new female companion. What's the NEW CRIS?

Here it is: Marco Bonfante Brachetto D'Acqui a.k.a. - "THE BERRIES"

Tastes like: The Fucking Awesome with strawberries.

Cost: $9-11 a bottle.

With The Berries, you're guaranteed a drinking experience that can only be expressed as Marvin Gaye's and Al Green's love child in a bottle, covered in fruit. What's up?! This here drink can be enjoyed with your wifey, your girl-girl, or your homies while you up in the club, in the studio, or in fronts your plasma.

Warning: When you whip out The Berries, you're guaranteed to smash that!

'Til next time. Keep it poppin.

-Flaunt-It Flaunt-It Gary

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Song of the week.

This week I am giving you guys the new song from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's called "Gold Lion". This song was first revealed to the world through a Diplo Mix. Now that both the real version and the mix version are out people (and by "people" i mean the rampant world of MP3 blogs) are comparing and contrasting the two versions. People are really fond of the Diplo mix. I'm gonna throw them both down there for you guys to listen to and make judgements on. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Thanks to Badminton Stamps and Palms Out Sounds for unknowingly (News of bandwith theft travels quickly) letting me borrow their MP3 links.

Ok, here we go.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion
and
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Gold Lion (Diplo Remix)

-Derek

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Super Bowl Predictions from the Johnny U.

The Johnny Utah Symposium is proud to present the predictions from some of our correspondents. Feel free to give your predictions in the comment section.

Mikey
"Steelers, cause of their steel rims."
PITTSBURGH: 24 Seattle: 17

Andy
"I think Seattle's gonna win but I'm cheering for The Bus and Pimpburger."
SEATTLE: 23 Pittsburgh: 17

Derek
"This game will be decided on the final play, which will be a fake spike touchdown to an offensive lineman."
PITTSBURGH: 17 Seattle: 16

Andrew
"I don't really care who wins, but I get $1000 if the last number in Pittsburgh's final score is 6, and the last number in Seattle's is 9, so ... I'm shooting for that."
PITTSBURGH: 26 Seattle: 19

Sweaty Frank Viola
"Pittsburgh is gonna win on the back of Jerome Bettis' 300 rushing yards and Matt Hasselbeck having 8 of his ribs broken."
PITTSBURGH: 38 Seattle: 34

The Radical Tad
"Mick Jagger is gonna peel off his skin and reveal a scaley demon."
-No score provided-

Yousef the Sun God
"I care not about petty Human games. [unintelligible shriek]"
Pittsburgh: 0 Seattle: 0

Salazar Scuttle
"I'm pretty sure Vinnie Jones is gonna win."
VINNIE JONES: 36 The World: -19

Vincent Gallo
"I'll slit your mother's throat with a piano wire."
SEATTLE: 13 Pittsburgh: 10

Bad Poetry Guy
"The Super Bowl will make my heart whole."
-No score provided-

Kenny Gant
"I just hope someone makes reference to my shark dance"
"Score? Yeah, there'll be a score. 21-7."
-Winning and losing teams not determined-


From these predictions it looks like the majority of the Johnny U thinks Pittsburgh will win. We'll find out tomorrow.

-Gary Gary Bo Barry

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Yousef the Sun God vs. The Radical Tad

So begins this tale...



Yousef, primary Sun God in the 28th Epoch of Solar System 5iXb634 (note: its true name cannot represented to the human brain), is responsible for much of what we now consider reality. Although more widely known under titles such as Ra, Helios, Apollo, and Huitzilopochtli, Sun God adherents refer to his pure label, that which invokes the most power. Much was made of the assertion that this Earth was, indeed, not the center of Solar System 5iXb634, but merely a satellite of its sun. Many wars were fought, intellectuals ridiculed and excommunicated, and lives lost needlessly, all before widespread acceptance of the "truth". This truth, however, has not always been so.

At the end of the 27th Epoch, well before the time of man, the Earth, its sister planets, and its seven moons spun gracefully within a tri-solar field. Yousef, Magathaman, and Jeetu were co-rulers of this society, separately responsible for beings living peacefully on their planets. For a time all was well, as it had been for the greater part of the 27th Epoch. It was eventually to be compared to other great eras of this Universe, well documented in the Galactic Annals. A testament to its greatness was its tri-solar harmony, rarely disrupted and seen as a benchmark for other Sun Gods to follow as closely as they may.

However, the 27th Epoch ended in disarray and strife, as many eras must, for anything that is worth remembering cannot eternally last. Magathaman and his people fell into dark times, abandoned by Yousef (his only fault being his disdain for the weak) and by his former love, Jeetu. The tri-solar tranquility had unfurled, like a tattered piece of cloth, while the remnants of the Sun Gods' followers wandered their worlds, abandoned. Before long the Gods were forgotten, lost even from history's records, and the tri-solar accord met its violent end. The three suns, unstable now as a result of Magamathan's illness, spun in new paths. They clashed frequently, destroying all of their satellites, save for two. Earth and it's moon, Luna, remained. Luna had been seared, its surface destroyed, and all that remained were its deepest caverns, undiscovered to this day. Earth was plunged into an age of darkness, harboring no life of any kind for the rest of the 27th Epoch.

Yousef was saddened, for Jeetu and Magamathan had destroyed themselves in the Final Collision. He was alone, his power diminishing. Yousef, in what has become the most crucial component in the formation of the Earth in its current state, retreated into the deepest recesses of Earth. Its new core. There, he harnessed the last of his energy, storing it within the Earth, waiting for the day when he could release himself once more to sit on his rightful throne. In this act of desperation, the Earth became the first planet to derive its life from within. So ended the 27th Epoch: cold, dark, and awaiting the new life brewing.

And, in kind, so began the 28th Epoch. And it was this way for what would seem like eternity to any other being. The Earth sat alone in what once was 5iXb634, mightiest of solar systems, bereft of a sun, its only moon hanging lifeless to its rapidly deccelerated orbit. But Yousef was not lost, and his energy slowly grew, bringing new life to each layer of the earth he touched, melting its components. New elements were created in the molten depths, those which could harbor a new kind of being: Human. Eventually Yousef expanded, from core to mantle to crust, all the while bringing the hope of life to this new being he had imagined. It was a being containing all that Yousef embodied. Power, beauty, wit, magnificence- and it was good. As Yousef imagined his new Humans, he strength became ever greater and the Earth could no longer contain him. When the first molten root of his expanding power broke through the Earth's cold crust, Yousef brought his being's image into reality, one who could release him to his throne at long last. This first Human was one who would lead all others, bringing the word of Yousef to his disiples- and his first task would be to thrust Yousef into the newly brightned sky. His name would be The Radical Tad, and he was perfect to Yousef.

The crust split, Yousef's long-dormant power burst forth, and its first product was The Radical Tad, the only Human built solely from Yousef's ethereal protuberance. He contained all that Yousef conceptualized, but also some that he did not. The Radical Tad, although not known at this time, also contained Yousef's sadness and anger, and disdain for the weak. And as a new and separate being, he would slowly find that he contained other powers that set him apart from Yousef, some desirable, some not. But such is the life of a being in Creation. And now, at the begining of Humanity, all was good.

The Radical Tad awoke to his new Earth and glanced upon the rent that Yousef had made. He saw Yousef then, for the first time, calling out to him. He then did what he must- reached into the rent, and clutched Yousef with all of his power. With one mighty pull, Yousef was torn apart from the Earth's core and catapulted back into the heavens. The Earth was again cast in brilliant light. Its ice melted and Humanity's new home began to form. The Radical Tad, the first human, walked the Earth alone, putting all in its place. Yousef, his Sun God, returned to his former stature in the sky, rained down gifts of beast and seed. The Radical Tad was happy, and Yousef admired his creation. Soon, however, The Radical Tad became bored with his new life. Unlike Yousef, he did not have knowledge of all Creation. He had not the capacity for it. This made him jealous and angry, and he began to secretly despise Yousef. The Radical Tad created Woman to curb his anger, but even she could not fill the completeness of his void. Yousef was in such awe of his creation, and was engrossed in pursuits designed to please Tad, that he did not detect his anger.

The Radical Tad, temporarily diverted from the duties of leading the new Human civilization, climbed the Earth's highest peak. He shouted to Yousef in a blasphemous tone, demanding to learn all he knew, denying the gifts that he rained down. Yousef was surprised to learn The Radical Tad's thoughts, and did his best to stem his anger, waiting for this mood to subside. But Tad could not be comforted. Yousef, now angered himself, threw The Radical Tad from the summit and leveled the peak with one blow. The Radical Tad's new society was destroyed, along with his numerous Women, and a new concept was born- Hate. Yousef, envious of his new power and unwilling to delve into the Earth's depths to start his project anew, forsook The Radical Tad. He built other planets (Mars was his most favored), created new beings, and watched societies rise and fall. He was proud of this 28th Epoch, but never forgot the time of Magamathan and Jeetu. For all his power, he could not recreate them. And his thoughts never strayed far from his first creation, The Radical Tad. His anger simmered for millenia, but he always resisted the urge to destroy Tad, because he was his finest creation, the only one made solely from Yousef's pure essence.

The Radical Tad, limited by his life on Earth, spent his time rebuilding the Human civilization, all the while striving to gain what knowledge he could, striving to be sure the Human beings did not stumble and fall like Yousef's other creations. And all the while, waiting for the day when he could amass a force strong enough to usurp Yousef and claim his power as his own, so then he could know the knowledge of all Creation. Yousef periodically sent Dragons and other fell beasts to Earth to counteract Tad and his mutinous aspirations. But Tad was powerful enough to hold off these attacks and protect his society. And all the while in Solar System 5iXb634, a storm was brewing, until that one day when the battle would be fought, Yousef the Sun God versus The Radical Tad...

[as written in The Sun Journal of Yousef, Volume XIV, Chapters 47-89]

-The Historian

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Vincent Gallo Presents: How to throw an incredible Super Bowl party

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. Oh, and a special thanks to ehow.com for its knowledge...and its patience.


Uh oh. It's that mother-fuckin' time again. Time for me to help you shits out by teaching you things. This time around I'm gonna give you guys some tips on how to throw a Super Bowl party that is so fucking incredible your friends' heads will explode...or something. On with it then.

The first fucking thing you want to do is get a goddamned life. Remember that this fuckin' "Super Bowl" thing is just a sports game. You could be spending your time doing important things. EXAMPLES: Hanging out with Rick Rubin, walking the streets of New York, drafting anti-immigration policy, kissing, skinning, and writing checks with your mouth that your body can't cash.

If you don't want to listen to my advice then follow these easy fuckin' steps to have a great time on that special Sunday when commercialism and bullshit take over for three fuckin' hours.

1. Decorate the house in the colors of the team you're rooting for. If one of the teams playing is "your" team, put on all your paraphernalia.

2. Invest in a few foam "bad-call bricks" to throw at the TV so your guests can express their feelings about the refs without doing damage to your house.

Ok, hold on a second. I was getting this shit off of a "how to" site on the Internet called ehow.com and I just don't agree with a lot of this. Foam fucking bricks? Are you fuckin' kidding me? Get a real brick and throw it at your wife. Who fuckin' cares.


3. If you're going to have guests who are rooting for different teams, establish an imaginary line (or for fun, "draw" one with masking tape) down the center of the room. Decorate each side in one team's colors.

4. Order a "Super Bowl Party in a Box" that includes plates, napkins, cups and a football snack bowl.

If you have a fuckin' spine you'll also order a "bitch in a box". If you wanna know how to obtain one of these prime items just walk outside your fuckin' bungalow and whisper my goddamn name.

5. Pick up veggie, cheese and cold cut plates and a six-foot long sandwich or two from a deli and have all the food laid out on a table within sight of the TV. Don't make your guests choose between eating and watching the game.

6. Buy several six-packs of beer. Keep the beer in a cooler close by so you don't have to run to the fridge when it's third and inches. Restock the cooler at halftime.

7. Have everyone write down who they think will win and what the final score will be before the game starts. Award a silly prize, like a big football pinata, to the person who comes the closest.

A fuckin' pinata? Give the winner something that's worth two shits...like head. Some fuckin' pussy must have written this bullshit. It is through gritted mother-fucking teeth that I present this information to my loyal readers. You fucks deserve better. Here's a couple of bonus tips that are stright from the mouth of Gallo.

8. Call some girls that you know who have a reputation for looseness. Loose bitches. Call them up and lay out a plan of action. Something like this: Arrive, suck, leave.

9. Get some fuckin' guns.

10. Make a wager. Something like, "if any of the teams in this shit actually score some goals I'll staple my dick to my leg". It'll really spice shit up.

Yeah I think that's enough. Throw a party, and then throw someone out a window. Big kisses.

-Vincent Gallo

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Through the Aperture of Andy

Here's the first in what will be one of my additions to the blog. I'm just hoping to deliver some news you may or may not know about as I do my best Andy Rooney/John Stossel impression. So, let's get started!

NO-Mass Drinking
(AP via Yahoo! News) Remember when those boring nights would come along and they would magically be fixed by saying "HEY! Let's go to UMass and play some Circle of Death!"? Well, sorry Thumbmasters, looks like your next rounds of waterfalls and categories will be found somewhere else as the University of Massachusetts has banned all drinking games on campus. In an attempt to keep Minutemen sober and their livers healthy, the school banned drinking games in dorms, outlawed "taps and funnels" (beer bongs to the laymen), said "no mas tequila" (or Dewers, or schnapps, or Sam Adams, or any alcohol) when 10 or more people are gathered, and (this is probably the biggest kick in the pants)

Students who are 21 or older will be allowed to keep no more than 12 bottles or cans of beer, two bottles of wine or one bottle of hard liquor.
I predict that UMass enrollment will decrease drastically and Harvard admissions will skyrocket as Harvard will come to be known as "The Harvard of Drinking". Or something.

Getting a Dominatrix Off
(AP via ABC News) Tie 'em up, strip 'em down, whip 'em good, die of a heart attack (oops), panic, have your boyfriend chop 'em up and dump 'em in a dumpster. Who else needs a ciagarette? 56 year-old Barbara Asher (aka - Mistress Laura M - yeah, I don't get it either) was acquitted of all manslaughter and dismemberment charges on Jan 30. The Mistress was accused of doing nothing to save one Michael Lord as he was dying from a heart attack while locked in the medieval rack as part of his erotic fantasy (which he had paid Asher to help him act out). However, it doesn't stop there as prosecutors then say that Asher had her boyfriend butcher up Lord and throw him away. Lord's horny remains were never found. Prosecutors say that Asher confessed to all charges during questioning, but they forgot to tape the confession and didn't save their notes? What the hell, bros? To top it off, during his closing arguement, Robert Nelson (the prosecutor) adorned a black leather mask with the zipper mouth and then re-enacted the whole scene for the court. He tied himself to a headboard and then hung his head, as if he was dead (or satisfied). The judge called him back into his chambers and the jury started making out with eachother. Ok, I made that part up. I expect that this will set a precedent for many sexual crimes and make way for new entrepreneurial ventures entitled "Whack and Whacks".


Baseball Season Countdown:
- 31 Days until the World Baseball Classic
- 62 Days until OPENING DAY

And the only things that matter are seen through the Aperture of Andy (or something...I'll work on a sign off that doesn't suck)