Through the Aperture of Andy

Here's the first in what will be one of my additions to the blog. I'm just hoping to deliver some news you may or may not know about as I do my best Andy Rooney/John Stossel impression. So, let's get started!

NO-Mass Drinking
(AP via Yahoo! News) Remember when those boring nights would come along and they would magically be fixed by saying "HEY! Let's go to UMass and play some Circle of Death!"? Well, sorry Thumbmasters, looks like your next rounds of waterfalls and categories will be found somewhere else as the University of Massachusetts has banned all drinking games on campus. In an attempt to keep Minutemen sober and their livers healthy, the school banned drinking games in dorms, outlawed "taps and funnels" (beer bongs to the laymen), said "no mas tequila" (or Dewers, or schnapps, or Sam Adams, or any alcohol) when 10 or more people are gathered, and (this is probably the biggest kick in the pants)

Students who are 21 or older will be allowed to keep no more than 12 bottles or cans of beer, two bottles of wine or one bottle of hard liquor.

I predict that UMass enrollment will decrease drastically and Harvard admissions will skyrocket as Harvard will come to be known as "The Harvard of Drinking". Or something.

Getting a Dominatrix Off
(AP via ABC News) Tie 'em up, strip 'em down, whip 'em good, die of a heart attack (oops), panic, have your boyfriend chop 'em up and dump 'em in a dumpster. Who else needs a ciagarette? 56 year-old Barbara Asher (aka - Mistress Laura M - yeah, I don't get it either) was acquitted of all manslaughter and dismemberment charges on Jan 30. The Mistress was accused of doing nothing to save one Michael Lord as he was dying from a heart attack while locked in the medieval rack as part of his erotic fantasy (which he had paid Asher to help him act out). However, it doesn't stop there as prosecutors then say that Asher had her boyfriend butcher up Lord and throw him away. Lord's horny remains were never found. Prosecutors say that Asher confessed to all charges during questioning, but they forgot to tape the confession and didn't save their notes? What the hell, bros? To top it off, during his closing arguement, Robert Nelson (the prosecutor) adorned a black leather mask with the zipper mouth and then re-enacted the whole scene for the court. He tied himself to a headboard and then hung his head, as if he was dead (or satisfied). The judge called him back into his chambers and the jury started making out with eachother. Ok, I made that part up. I expect that this will set a precedent for many sexual crimes and make way for new entrepreneurial ventures entitled "Whack and Whacks".

Baseball Season Countdown:
- 31 Days until the World Baseball Classic
- 62 Days until OPENING DAY

And the only things that matter are seen through the Aperture of Andy (or something...I'll work on a sign off that doesn't suck)