JUhS All-Stars (A New JUhS Bit)
Layoffs. Firings. Retirements. They happen every day, however, never are they more publicized than in the arena of professional sports. For years now, Derek and myself have played a “game” in which all newly retired or cut (fired for the un-sportsy) sports personalities would find themselves up for a job at the McKinney YMCA (don’t ask). For example, about a year ago Jerome Bettis retired from the NFL. He was then up for consideration as the starting running back/athletic director for the YMCA. Many a player and many a coach from many a sport soon found themselves newly employed with the McKinney YMCA.
Well, Derek and I, now being fully employed by the JUhS (check out the Rovers and Maybachs), have left the McKinney YMCA. However, sports dudes continue to retire and get all fired every of these days (?). These dudes need new employment as I, being the economist I am, will not tolerate them being a strain on the economy with their unemployment and welfare sucking. So, HERE! TODAY! I would like to announce the establishingment of the JUhS All-Stars! Due to newly freed cap room and that room of cash we discovered the other day while wondering around the JUhS mansion, we can now afford to field our own teams of sports stars (across all sports in the sports galaxy) who will do battle against the best other planets can offer (as well as staple and colate important JUhS documents, plunge JUhS office and mansion toilets and groom the pets).
Now, where to begin. This is going to be tricky because we find ourselves in a very odd part of the sports calendar where we find only the Association of Basketball National in season. This means that many a day has passed since football and baseball seasons ended so that means we have missed quite a few firings and retirements. So, I’m going to gently ease us into the water here and throw a couple of nominees out there for your consideration. Remember, this is just to start, later we can go back and find some new candidates. This is how it will work: I’ll throw out the names, I’ll make a couple of pointers about said names, we will vote, I will keep track on my JUhS issued computing machine (given by the Heavens) and make updates as necessary! Let’s play ball…
1.) Bill Parcells - Head Football Coach
Real Name: Duane Charles “Bill” Parcells (How he got the name “Bill” and shed the often criminal elements and stigmas of the name Duane is a mystery and should be enough to hire him)- Nickname: The Big Tuna
- Accolades: 2 Super Bowl Titles; 183-138-1 Record; Asstons of Coaching Awards; Responsible for 7 Current Pro and College Head Coaches; Awesomely round belly
2.) Jake Plummer - NFL Quarterback, Avid Beard/Mustache Supporter
- Real Name: Jason “Jake” Stephen Plummer
- Nickname: The Snake
- Accolades: Nothing Much More Than Extremely Sweet/Psycho-Looking Facial Hair Patterns and Growing Abilities; Led Some Teams to the Playoffs; Gives Fans the Finger
9 comments:
I support the appointment of the Tuna Grande as the head coach. He is a proven winner. I'm not too sure about The Snake though. While I love his fervor for facial hair the fact that he is just a loser sits large in my mind. The only teams he ever took to the playoffs were the Denver Horseys and they've got a running back system and a perpetually stout D. In his Zona days he couldn't win a game if his beard depended on it. He's not a winner and right now, at the start of this new and throbbingly exciting sports revolution that is the Johnny All Stars, we need a winner at field general.
So I present, Joey Harrington. With the herbal and illegal supplements we traffic in and use daily we can have Joey H throwing the oblong sphere like it's the year 2000 again. Back in his Oregon glory (Glorygon?) days when he was a winner. Plus he's not a cantankerous dickweed like Plummer. Harringpimp will not flip off the butlers in the Johnny Mansion if they don't maintenence his bidet properly (though that'd be jusitified) where as I fear Plummer would. Plummer would wander the halls chomping on triscuits, talking about Pat Tillman and massaging his unfortunately unpanted crotchal area daily. He'd be the houseguest who doesn't leave.
So, to sum up. Tunage is in. Snake is out with a newly juiced Joe Joe Harringpimp in as his replacement.
Yes.
OOOOK.
1 Vote for Tuna
1 Vote AGAINST Snake
Proposal of Harrington.
We await the votes of others...
Oh and Derek, what about Oreglory?
Sure, Tuna Grande is a "proven winner." But he hasn't really done any proving in a while. The JUhS should be all about the here and now. And the here and now tells us Parcells is an overweight, unemployed burn-out with a penchant for first round playoff losses. While the JUhS mansion is a far superior gig than ESPN, I say let the worldwide leader keep him.
As for Jake the Snake. Well ... I'm giving this post the magnificent facial hair tag, and him my vote. Triscuits are the balls.
Oreglory. Hmm ... let's make a list:
1) Don't forget the Ducks' bunk win against OU last year
2) And their truly awful uniforms
3) Joey wasted his chances with Roy Williams
4) He plays the piano
5) As far as I can tell, he had no hot ass in tow (a la Brady, and to a lesser extent, Leinart - feel free to prove me wrong on this one)
6) When he went to Miami, Detroit made a pre-game film solely for the purpose of mocking him. This is the Detroit "Worst team in the league/Kitna is our QB" Lions. Not good.
That's a vote against Harrington, by the way.
I have no others to propose at this time.
A-Drew,
It's not the most awesomely bearded all star team it's the Johnny All Stars and in this game/league/way-of-life it takes a lot more than some Bernanke caliber face pubes to get a job. It takes a resume of some girth and strength. I'll accept your rejection of Harringpimp but I will not stand for your nomination of The Snake. A happy medium between these two incredibly average quarterbacks is out there, we just need to find it...and give it the keys to the Johnny Villa.
As for coach, I think you're being a real dickturd for referencing Parcell's career under the scope of the last few seasons with Dallass. Look at his entire career and see that, even in the case of Dallas, he improved every club he touched. He's a winner and he has the heart of a champion.
However, because I want to assemble a team that will make the Johnny Dads acquiesce in a resounding tone I will throw out a new coaching candidate.
DENNY GREEN
What better coach is there out there right now? The overlooking of Denny on Andy's part when intitally crafting this post makes me question his commitment to crazy coach antics and awesome huggyish dudes everywhere. He wants to "Crown They Asses" and I want to crown him as head coach of the Johnny All Stars. I suggest we lock him up for like the next 12-17 years before some rival blog's all star team gobbles him up.
"THEY ARE WHAT WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!"
Triscuits are the balls? Gross.
Drizzle,
"AND WE LET 'EM OFF THE HOOK!"
I will now smash the proverbial microphone stand of acquiescence in response to your Denny Green suggestion. An inspiring choice. We don't want a hard-ass like Parcells running the Villa. Denny is perfect - a generally pleasant demeanor, but watch out, cause he can feign outrage with the best of them.
I think I have an answer to our QB dilemma: AARON BROOKS. He's out of a job, right? Anyway, he's the most averagely mediocre quarterback we've seen in a long while. And undisputed master of the backward pass (look under the NFL Career section).
And EXCUSE ME for holding the head coaching position to a high standard. The JUhS has a spotless reputation of quality to uphold. There just isn't a lot of talent out there, so we have to be careful with this decision. All I'm asking is, what have you done for me lately? Bill grew Mickelson-boobs and underperformed with the roster he had. Denny was a few ill-timed rushing plays away from upending the eventual superbowl runner-ups.
And he went on an amazing post-game tirade, to boot. Parcells was all "no comment" this "I'm not here to talk about it" that. When we have kick ass press junkets at the Mansion, do you really want Parcells leading them?
Didn't think so.
And triscuits are amazing. Don't slight the triscuits.
Derek - like I stated in my introduction of said Johnny League All-Stars, so much has happened over the past months that I was smack dab in the middle of and drowning in a sea of offseason moves. I was overcome with names and being in Dallas, was blinded by the big burning sun of the Big Tuna.
Andrew - Aaron Brooks? Screw off.
I remove my vote for Parcells.
3 Votes for Denny Green
2 Votes for Jake Plummer (1 vote against)
This is what I have tallied thus far. And remember, there is NO job security whatsoever on the JUhS All-Star rosters. Now, where do I stop taking votes? With Michael Thomas?
Merely a suggestion. If Favre would hurry up and retire it'd be a much easier decision. For now, I stand by Jake.
I think we can safely say that, after we hear from Mike, no one else will be commenting. No really people ... please don't comment. We know the readers are out there in droves, waiting to cast their votes, but don't. This is our blog. We'll only make fun of you.
Except for the Poetry Revolutionist. He's cool.
Gentlemenlies, we are doing a radical job keeping our own blog afloat.
This comment section is buoyant and strong.
Oh, and if I have any sort of Johnny Founding Padre Dude Veto Power Action Button I will be pressing it on The Snake. To be honest, before the events of this afternoon I may have been able to tolerate his presence at QB, but not now.
Why you ask? What happened? Well that bag-a-douche called me today and "chewed me out" for like ten minutes before asking me if I wanted to invest on the ground floor of a plumbing business he's starting Yes...he chose plumbing because of his last name. I was confused at first though. I asked if it was a business where a collective of people led by him and his face hair grew and distributed plums. I told him I'd like to invest in something like that. I even told him that such a specific fruit distribution system had never been done before and that if his business model matched his marketing gusto I was in. He then corrected me by telling me that his business "wasn't about no damn fruits, it's about fuckin' pipes and waters and shit(s)".
From there I told him I was not interested in the "incredible opportunity" that he was presenting me and he became further enraged. He claimed he was going to "hijack" the "John House" (I think that's his way of describing the Johnny Mansion...but it may be slang for any bathroom in America....not sure) and use it to grow his plumming...oops...plumBing business.
The man is a plague. And a dick.
If I have veto power I will use it. For the good of the Symposium.
I also got a call from Aaron Brooks. He's a nice guy. We're gonna have a meeting on Saturday to discuss possible options for him on the Johnny All Stars. He said he doesn't have to QB, he just wants a job on "a winner" again.
LOTSA GOINS ONS.
Veto confirmed - Jake is off the docket. I'm still up for talks with Aaron Brooks ... but let's think about this: Bledsoe anyone? Anyone?
Post a Comment