Vincent Gallo Presents: How to throw an incredible Super Bowl party

EDITORS NOTE: This column features offensive material. It is being presented without edits at the request of the author. The author is one scary dude. Thank you for your understanding. Oh, and a special thanks to ehow.com for its knowledge...and its patience.


Uh oh. It's that mother-fuckin' time again. Time for me to help you shits out by teaching you things. This time around I'm gonna give you guys some tips on how to throw a Super Bowl party that is so fucking incredible your friends' heads will explode...or something. On with it then.

The first fucking thing you want to do is get a goddamned life. Remember that this fuckin' "Super Bowl" thing is just a sports game. You could be spending your time doing important things. EXAMPLES: Hanging out with Rick Rubin, walking the streets of New York, drafting anti-immigration policy, kissing, skinning, and writing checks with your mouth that your body can't cash.

If you don't want to listen to my advice then follow these easy fuckin' steps to have a great time on that special Sunday when commercialism and bullshit take over for three fuckin' hours.

1. Decorate the house in the colors of the team you're rooting for. If one of the teams playing is "your" team, put on all your paraphernalia.

2. Invest in a few foam "bad-call bricks" to throw at the TV so your guests can express their feelings about the refs without doing damage to your house.

Ok, hold on a second. I was getting this shit off of a "how to" site on the Internet called ehow.com and I just don't agree with a lot of this. Foam fucking bricks? Are you fuckin' kidding me? Get a real brick and throw it at your wife. Who fuckin' cares.


3. If you're going to have guests who are rooting for different teams, establish an imaginary line (or for fun, "draw" one with masking tape) down the center of the room. Decorate each side in one team's colors.

4. Order a "Super Bowl Party in a Box" that includes plates, napkins, cups and a football snack bowl.

If you have a fuckin' spine you'll also order a "bitch in a box". If you wanna know how to obtain one of these prime items just walk outside your fuckin' bungalow and whisper my goddamn name.

5. Pick up veggie, cheese and cold cut plates and a six-foot long sandwich or two from a deli and have all the food laid out on a table within sight of the TV. Don't make your guests choose between eating and watching the game.

6. Buy several six-packs of beer. Keep the beer in a cooler close by so you don't have to run to the fridge when it's third and inches. Restock the cooler at halftime.

7. Have everyone write down who they think will win and what the final score will be before the game starts. Award a silly prize, like a big football pinata, to the person who comes the closest.

A fuckin' pinata? Give the winner something that's worth two shits...like head. Some fuckin' pussy must have written this bullshit. It is through gritted mother-fucking teeth that I present this information to my loyal readers. You fucks deserve better. Here's a couple of bonus tips that are stright from the mouth of Gallo.

8. Call some girls that you know who have a reputation for looseness. Loose bitches. Call them up and lay out a plan of action. Something like this: Arrive, suck, leave.

9. Get some fuckin' guns.

10. Make a wager. Something like, "if any of the teams in this shit actually score some goals I'll staple my dick to my leg". It'll really spice shit up.

Yeah I think that's enough. Throw a party, and then throw someone out a window. Big kisses.

-Vincent Gallo